to you, mr. sexy
Date: Aug 31st, 2009 - Subscribe
Mood: cherry cherry boom boom
i know that there's a chance you might read this. i actually want you to. maybe you should. obviously trusted you enough for you to be one of the only 2 people who know about this. so ok..
here it goes
i aint sure your intentions or confessions were as true as i thought they were. i mean, this is what i meant by being ballsy, boy. yeah we aint in no rush but what exactly do i have to hope for if i dont see or feel even the slightest nudge from you. believe you me, you had the upperhand. now though, you seemed to have dissolved. what happened, dear?
i know you may have been busy but a hi or hello should have sufficed. but maybe, maybe it was just some fantasy i conjured up in my head. maybe you are just meant to be my friend. not that that's a bad thing. you're one hell of a friend, y'know. with the drummer boy, now that one as well is quite a mix up. i try to avoid anyone gettin ideas in their heads. the only person who knows i favored you is..well..you haha!..thought that would've been a huge clue...guess not 
so i dunno what to make of anything anymore, dear. i'd gladly remain your friend. and the feistiness of the X is soooo rampant, literally working double and over time.
well now maybe i guess i might need to see less of you?? ...i'm not sure!! HAHA!!..BADTRIP!! ..i usually talk to you abt these things...damn...ok...well cause if i really do wanna work this out with the X, i cant keep thinking of you being my what if..the X is showing the fight..which is what i wanted..i know it sounds soooo conceited but understand how maybe i wanted to feel worth it, worth effort..i was havin my fun single yeah..but at the same time, totally dismissin and maybe even undermining myself..and yea, the events on my bday proved how i felt pretty worthless :|
there's the drama yo..HAHA..gotta love it
...you're the what if that didnt exactly try, man..next time you like a girl..and by any chance she's a lot like me haha!..have a little more fight..i'm a little crazy that way, i dont mind the rough around the edges and the mud on my jeans 
but yea.. we cool it aint too late or anything...gaad see not wuite sure why i said that but did anyway :|..i dont know!! its YOU!! of all FUCKING people! you dont know your hold on me, man I SWEAR!...
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FAIL!!
Date: Jun 17th, 2009 - Subscribe
Mood: my first attempt to write teen movie/ meg cabot type of literature
it seems like with every breath i take, the louder my heart beats. i feel like the blood is rushing to my forehead. i know for a fact that i am all red. this is never a good look for me. my round face when red looks so much like a tomato with eyeballs.
i try to walk over again. it is so difficult. one whiff of his scent and again i'm hurrying back to my nonchalant corner of the restaurant with my verbose yet very amusing best friend, lexy.
"Go talk to him!," lexy says again. she doesn't get it. she never gets it. her quirkiness is so overwhelming that even when rejection does come her way she's too high on her on explosiveness that she doesn't even notice.
Maybe, if i try a more coincidential approach. I BUMP HIM! i wait for him to leave his table..oh but then he might be in a hurry to go somewhere..no no no..maybe when he gets up to the bathroom..no then i'd be stalling his pee break..mm..or maybe..maybe i just...arghh..maybe i just sit here and wallow as lexy goes on and on about her tales of sex and margharitas.
he's leaving!! come on, nerves we got this!..ok...breathe..god, lexy has to shut up! she's messin up my gameplan...oh god..slowly...slowwwwlllyyyy...now i'm right behind him...god, he smells good!...his stopping to put coins in the tip jar..my, he's so much taller up close..here it goes..
i tap his shoulder...he yelps!! starts to groan!!..oh fuck!!..i guess i was too mesmerized to notice his arm in a sling! probably a dislocated shoulder....fuck..and i guess my nerves too tightly bound caused a stronger tap than i thought..he's grabbed a hold on his arm..still slightly groaning in pain.. he turns around and sees me..me and my tomato head with a jaw dropped to the floor...i say quickly and in a pitch only heard by dogs, "sorry!" ...and i rush back to lexy, who is laughing her ass off at this point....
oh shit....fail....fail fail fail!
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utol
Date: Jun 11th, 2009 - Subscribe
Mood: i could only take so much
i'm turning 21 but you make me feel like a child. you get what you want with a snap of your fingers. and here i am again giving into you.
its because you're perfect and i hate it. you've got the legs and the waist. you're beautiful and you know it. its not that i'm jealous. i don't need to be able to wear your skirts and make up. i hate your perfection because in his eyes you are still a doll. i hate sometimes how even my own love finds ways to sneak and flirt with you in front of me. i understand though. you are quite hot. they all love you. testosterone. estrogen. it dont matter.
i'm still the tomboy, i just never grew out of it. sometimes i really wish i could but i get so uncomfortable. i wish i can be as skinny you though. i wish also that maybe once in a while i'd splurge on something a girl is supposed to splurge on..i just..there's this fixed mentality i have that when i find something i want but is out of what to me is a considerable price range, i look, imagine and keep walking...whatever i do manage to purchase, more often than not, is from my own money..saved up...you just show your interest and you got it...its yours...his credit card is at your beck and call, dear..and my do you abuse it to maximum..but he doesn't care does he?...you're the angel..
words spit out of my mouth. i sound like a sailor. i do not know how to shop for bras or anything actually!! i STILL have no poise!..man..oh but i try...but no matter what i do,you got the genes..you got it all..i'm outta luck in that area..and you're not dumb either...god...i must look like a sack a shit beside you huh?
i hate this self pity thing...but i've been fighting it for so loooong now...and i'm tired...and now that i found this one thing..twas supposed to be mine..my keepsake...still you take it away.. AND WHY IS IT THAT I GIVE INTO YOU?? ...GOD...i got so used to you being the one with everything... you, the princess. you, the gorgeous one. i didn't even fight anymore..take it..i have no energy to fight anymore...
maybe someday i'll find something that is my own. something you wont copy or take away from me...maybe someday i will have the kind of love and admiration you receive..maybe someday i can actually stand up to you
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boys, toys..HOY!
Date: Mar 19th, 2009 - Subscribe
Mood: ****
so conscientiousness does exist. it's more persistent than you think. it may take forever but it gets there. that shoulder angel pops up at the most random of times and before you know it, you're left to make a very VERY dire decision. in which case, a woman of right mind and age chooses to end her purely physical relationship in order to proceed with attaining her love. how does she do that?
i wish i knew
so now there is an issue of whether or not the physical relationship was understood to be just that exactly by both parties. if one were to gain emotional attachment then down the drain you go. how now is one supposed to go about hurting someone who may indeed fallen for you?..guilt? shame?..there is a given amount for how much heartache one can take..how would you know that your rejection won't cause an explosion of epic proportions?
it takes everyone a while to realize what they truly want in their lives. it takes mistakes, different experiences, and much MUCH heartache. it takes longer than you think. sometimes, by the time you actually find out what IS right for you, you have dug up a hole too big to just cover up. even girls have to grow some balls and face their mistakes. after much, maybe too much, of something sinfully right you realize how wrong and sabotaging it is to you and your quest to be the person you idealize. you must learn from ALL mistakes. to become that person you were, that person you despised once again is enough reason for one to label themselves a "dumbass"
you are not to allow yourself to return to your old ways. especially when you now realize after what seems to be forever that you actually love the guy you've been with. but if and when you do return to your drunken, slut 17 year old self, we just hope that you've learned a thing or two then that could be used at your dispose at present. at 21, it is only expected of you to handle this situation a little more maturely and a little less like an animal.
so you end your playtime and get serious
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piss and poop
Date: Mar 17th, 2009 - Subscribe
Mood: FLUSH, bitch!
ok..new tactic..since i obviously cannot escape the drama..i try to create a lighter more optimistic blog and it quickly transforms back into the miserable shipwreck it always was..the saying goes, "if you cant beat'em, join'em"..so here i am..i am now going to write as if i am the carrie bradshaw of online journals..i will discuss everything there is to love, sex, relationships of any level, and maybe even a few catfights here and there..i will keep the drama but present it in a more readable way avoiding all the code names, metaphors, and the like.
first entry as a love columnist..OH! disclaimer, (in case i actually have readers that exist out there) i am not one to give advice..i'm one to rant and speak from experience, but please do not rely on any of my decisions as anything you could use for personal use..unless of course the similarities between our problems are uncanny..well..here we go..
when engaging in acts you know is sinful, when do you finally give it up? if there are instances wherein this deed of deceit and lust is meant to be private, how exactly will that oh so knowledgeable friend everyone seems to have knock some sense into you? you see, i believe that it may just be a matter of how you see things..to be with two guys at once and constantly having to lie in order to suffice your own needs is a definite no no in today's moral society..but if you're anything like me, why let go of all the fun?
here's where is gets tricky..if both are meant to be mere play things then it shouldn't be beating you up so much..but when you know that one of the two is the one you love and the other is for play, that's when you're in a pickle..let's name the one you love number 1, and obviously, your affair would be mr. number 2..this entry is meant to urge your slutty little self to think about doing the right thing..
if number 1, is indeed the one..why is there a need for this number 2 fellow?..could it be a subtle act of vengeance due to heartache caused by number 1? or maybe for the thrill that number 2 is so willing to offer? or maybe even just because number 2 is willing to be just that, your number 2..whatever the reason may be..if your heart's in the right place, you would know for sure that number 2 needs to be dropped..
it gets difficult and lonely being a girl whose number 1 has seemed to fly the coop of love and romance..girls get itchy for a little romp too..hence the right on time number 2..but there is more to this, more than just a little fun to escape a chaotic relationship with number 1..people tend to be selfish..but after so long of being selfless, there will be times that temptation will press their pelvis hard, hard against your side completely compelling your every rational thought and bringing you to your weakest point..and its all a matter of giving in or refusing to be unfaithful..
i honestly believe though, that mistakes can be undone..before going any deeper, you must grow at rapid speed, take a red bull if you must, and develop a sense of justice..there comes a point where you just know that if number 1 were to know any of this, you will lose him completely..and now, imagine that...him gone...and you're sitting there left with a horny number 2 who knows nothing more but to pounce on you..
maturity may come in late for others but in this case it took a detour but ended up right back where its supposed to be..so we grow, and we bid farewell to the other who may ruin you and your love..to cope with heartache is one thing, but to cause it is a whole different story..do you really wanna cause heartache that not only would hurt your distant yet beloved number 1 but destroy you in the process?
we grow from love..it's a shit line..but it's true
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