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uncalled for, one might say. that was unfair and not to mention inappropriate. what must i do now, sir? there are so many things i wish i could've said but now, i can't look at you. i'm not sure if it's guilt or frustration or fear but i just can't talk to you. i can't see you. this is one for the books. you drive me insane. and more than i could have ever fathomed. you're one persistent cookie, dear. you make it so difficult. i don't wish to blame you. you didn't mean for things to pan out this way. i just wish you didn't give in. i just wish i didn't give in. you made everything so much more difficult. you have implanted the thinking of a possible huge regret. although luckily, i stand firm. now it's upto the monkey man to save me from the tall dark trees that seem to loom and crowd around me. it's left to him to keep me grounded. it's left with him to seal the deal. god i hope i did the right thing. the monkey man has not yet failed me before. except for that one time. i was practically hanging for dear life on that lanky yet proud tree branch. fortunately enough, he caught me before falling completely. it was one of the hardest things i ever had to do, letting go. a small part of me still wishes i never did cause though the tall dark tree scares me, it still proves to be stable and strong and at times, more of a refuge than a big ass annoying tree in the middle of my shit forest of young adulthood. it's too soon to tell but it looks like things are looking up. let's just see if the positivity keeps up with me. let's just hope mr. monkey man doesn't choose to just chop down the trees... what's a forest without it, right? |
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i was hurt. more than i can ever explain. it hurt so much to the point of not wanting to move or get off my ass to eat something. i tried to put up a front when speaking with him. i tried to be strong. but hearing his voice just felt like repeated stabbing of my heart. it just continued to make me aware that i would never hear him say that he loves me or that he misses me anymore. every time he'd call would break me even more but i thought, well this is the only way i'd be able to keep him as close as possible, to be able to hear his voice even if he was talking about someone else. it hurt so much. it was hard to breathe and i'm a smoker. imagine how hard it was on my lungs as is then he had to go take every inch of will power in me to breathe. i wanted someone to hold me. then when i'd finally have that someone, it made everything worse because i knew that this person i have chosen to take me into his arms is not the person whose arms i wish were holding me. i gave him my heart and it was the first time i ever gave someone my heart. i trusted and loved him so dearly thinking that he would never hurt me. he broke it. he let it die. i never thought he'd be the one who'd hurt me. he wasn't happy with me. although just earlier on, he told me how he could see himself marrying me and how i was the best thing that had ever happened to him. i fell to floor and i could my feel my chest throbbing. the tears wouldn't stop. i was just there hoping, waiting for when he'd come back and save me. hell tends to crash down on me a lot, especially because of the family i was born into but no matter how bad that got, he made everything better.. he made everything worthwhile. he was what i believe god gave me as a gift. making him happy was something i knew i was doing right in my life..and then he took it all away.. |
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soon there after, he would come running back to me and i'd be thrilled. i love him. of course, i'd want him back. he did this thrice.. and left me thrice..for her.. he poured his heart out to her, he told her she was beautiful and she was amazing.. he tried to offer her his heart when i thought all the while that his heart belonged to me.. i was crushed. i let him go for good then. but we had a deal that when he and i would end, i would sing to him one whole song and that he would slow dance with me throughout a whole song. neither of which we ever accomplished during our 17 months together. it was the hardest thing i ever had to do. he was holding me, swaying me back and forth while i sang. we were both crying and it was very hard to sing with his grip so tight. i thought for a second that that meant he did not want to let me go...i guess he was just more of guilty than sad about losing me.. i'd come home wishing that i would find some sort of sanctuary, it wouldn't work. i'd go out finding comfort in friends, it wouldn't work.. then he calls and i feel the safest i've ever felt in my life but also, i'm scared shitless of how i'd handle sleeping when he puts the phone down.. i was lost and i was not sure of how i'd find my way back. if i were to journey back to my old ways, i would lose ever winning him back completely. but if i were to continue to be the better person i became with him, it would hurt knowing that he's not there to root me on anymore. he tells me to keep my chin up and smile.. hearing that from anyone else though would just destroy me.. how can i be strong when he was my strength? ..i'm still in recovery and hopefully this long overdue rant works as some sort of therapy.. |
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that was heart pounding. seeing you again after everything you've said. seeing you again after totally wrecking friendships. we are one sick and twisted duo, sir. although you couldn't look at me. is it wrong to say that hurt? i don't expect you to be the total cheese ball you were before but hey, it's me. i mean, i know that's probably not the right thing to say to you given everything that's happened but come on..please?..don't hate me.. we both knew this was to happen someday, our encounter. did you expect me to just pretend like i didn't see you? pretend that you weren't there? that's dumb. look, i tried to say hi. i tried to wave. what the hell did you do? you hopped from front seat to back seat and what you're like 6 feet tall? that's not easy to do for a guy with your stature. and don't tell me you not minding me was a good thing. do you honestly think that that decision of yours will make it easier for you to gain peace of mind? if there was an exchange of any sort of acknowledgement at least both of us would know that there is chance for reconciliation. i know we need time and i'm not rushing it but that was just so sad. it was all messed up. you won't believe how much my heart was pounding knowing that you'd be in the car when we walked her over there. it was so unbelievably awkward! your vocalist acknowledged me and octopus boy rolled down the window and asked me for a hug. it was so weird.. not a word from you, not even a glance. i'm feeling incredibly guilty. i'm feeling like i've hurt you so much so that there is no more for us but to be mere memories of former friends. it sucks! i wish there was a way that we can undo everything. or at least a way to ease the process of getting back on track. i actually do think about how much i'll miss you, you know. which i will, and perhaps already do. damn fuck, this is a difficult situation.. |