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aya back on my feet - Subscribe
its been a long ass time. longer than i've ever gone without writing. my life turned upside down and over in the span of 3 months. however, this time around..my sudden fall..well, was not one i'd think of as depressing.

there was a break up between me and my love. my forever love. i thought that that was it. last straw. the three year marker got to me. and from what i've learned through my friends and family, at 3 yrs is when you decide to make or break. so i believed that was it..i worked immediately and almost unconsciously to get over and move on.

and yes..as expected..a break up cannot ensue without the drama. drama that usually is brought about by the estranged ex..although to my surprise, some very unlikely proposals were made and i jumped at the chance of possibly finding a "transition" guy. i created my own drama. i dated. i played. i had fun that was half baked and yet thrilling all the same.

only to find..that well..i still love my forever..and he felt the same.

we went back to being the "we" we were after a good amount of time a part and i have been happy since. things have been good. which can be considered new to me. happy, yes but perfect? never. i may regret not putting too much thought into my lack of being ideal but my personality just can not bring me to think otherwise and actually do something about it.

love is tricky. i must admit. sometimes it can just consume you. and a lot of my falls are because of all this crap. but hey, at least i can say i've grown. now more so than ever, i can say i have grown.

my previous entry, before this one was written to what could've been. and i would like to express my feelings towards the one that was but did not blossom.

i owe you a letter too..
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Mood: and running

aya this one's for you Nov 29th, 2009 - Subscribe
so..to you, mr. lawyer

i had so much fun with you. and the fact that there was an agreement between us made everything so much more..mm..naughtier? forbidden?..i'm not quite sure how to put it..but if you read this, i bet you caught my drift.

although you did provide me keys to the v.i.p., i can't say i liked who i was when with you. we were all play..all experimenting..no love..no beyond physical attraction..you signified everything i wasn't when i was with my forever.

and i don't blame you for being the way you were with me. i was like that. i can be like that. and you are not the first. i can be quite loca when i don't wanna take things seriously. i forgot how it felt like. to be bad. to be wanted. to be single and milking it.

and though i may have seen quite game and overly willing then. it might have just been because i was forcing myself to become a person with no remnance of the forever. i wanted to be someone who did not remind me of him. so i became a someone who was appropriate for you. a penny lane. a liv tyler in aerosmith's crazy. rock and roll, baby.

but no..i'm not that anymore. and i dont wanna be..i can't deny that a part of me that is ms.tyler is alive and kicking but she is put into good use in my relationship now. gotta keep things spicy, y'know.

so i guess..i'd wanna thank you and apologize. i am sorry for using you as a tool, although i wasn't aware of it then, i know now that what i wanted from you is to help me realize what i really wanted. we may have had an agreement but still i am sorry for having to introduced to that side of me. who you now probably think of as some wild woo girl who would climb on a mechanical bull just for the hell of it.

i thank you just the same. for being my drug. despite all the shit going on that i refused to see, you kept me sedated, you kept me motivated. may have been for the wrong reasons but from what i've heard, your forever is back in your arms as well. we were each others' "transition" people. its quite sweet if you think about it.

that's all. i'm just voicing out. we never got the chance to end things on a good note. not that my anonymous blog would change that but this way, i'm acknowledging it. still,i wouldn't have done anything different. no regrets.

you have a good one! and hey fyi..when i see you, a part of me still feels like i'm walking on the moon..happy.gif
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Mood: my was that fun

aya from a friend Nov 29th, 2009 - Subscribe
a quote i do not want to forget so i have to copy paste it..haha..

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. so don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze her and don't expect more than she can give. smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.

-bob marley
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Mood: a love quote that i like..or maybe i like just cause its by bob marley haha!