this one's for you
Date: Nov 29th, 2009 - Subscribe
Mood: my was that fun
so..to you, mr. lawyer
i had so much fun with you. and the fact that there was an agreement between us made everything so much more..mm..naughtier? forbidden?..i'm not quite sure how to put it..but if you read this, i bet you caught my drift.
although you did provide me keys to the v.i.p., i can't say i liked who i was when with you. we were all play..all experimenting..no love..no beyond physical attraction..you signified everything i wasn't when i was with my forever.
and i don't blame you for being the way you were with me. i was like that. i can be like that. and you are not the first. i can be quite loca when i don't wanna take things seriously. i forgot how it felt like. to be bad. to be wanted. to be single and milking it.
and though i may have seen quite game and overly willing then. it might have just been because i was forcing myself to become a person with no remnance of the forever. i wanted to be someone who did not remind me of him. so i became a someone who was appropriate for you. a penny lane. a liv tyler in aerosmith's crazy. rock and roll, baby.
but no..i'm not that anymore. and i dont wanna be..i can't deny that a part of me that is ms.tyler is alive and kicking but she is put into good use in my relationship now. gotta keep things spicy, y'know.
so i guess..i'd wanna thank you and apologize. i am sorry for using you as a tool, although i wasn't aware of it then, i know now that what i wanted from you is to help me realize what i really wanted. we may have had an agreement but still i am sorry for having to introduced to that side of me. who you now probably think of as some wild woo girl who would climb on a mechanical bull just for the hell of it.
i thank you just the same. for being my drug. despite all the shit going on that i refused to see, you kept me sedated, you kept me motivated. may have been for the wrong reasons but from what i've heard, your forever is back in your arms as well. we were each others' "transition" people. its quite sweet if you think about it.
that's all. i'm just voicing out. we never got the chance to end things on a good note. not that my anonymous blog would change that but this way, i'm acknowledging it. still,i wouldn't have done anything different. no regrets.
you have a good one! and hey fyi..when i see you, a part of me still feels like i'm walking on the moon..
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back on my feet
Date: Nov 29th, 2009 - Subscribe
Mood: and running
its been a long ass time. longer than i've ever gone without writing. my life turned upside down and over in the span of 3 months. however, this time around..my sudden fall..well, was not one i'd think of as depressing.
there was a break up between me and my love. my forever love. i thought that that was it. last straw. the three year marker got to me. and from what i've learned through my friends and family, at 3 yrs is when you decide to make or break. so i believed that was it..i worked immediately and almost unconsciously to get over and move on.
and yes..as expected..a break up cannot ensue without the drama. drama that usually is brought about by the estranged ex..although to my surprise, some very unlikely proposals were made and i jumped at the chance of possibly finding a "transition" guy. i created my own drama. i dated. i played. i had fun that was half baked and yet thrilling all the same.
only to find..that well..i still love my forever..and he felt the same.
we went back to being the "we" we were after a good amount of time a part and i have been happy since. things have been good. which can be considered new to me. happy, yes but perfect? never. i may regret not putting too much thought into my lack of being ideal but my personality just can not bring me to think otherwise and actually do something about it.
love is tricky. i must admit. sometimes it can just consume you. and a lot of my falls are because of all this crap. but hey, at least i can say i've grown. now more so than ever, i can say i have grown.
my previous entry, before this one was written to what could've been. and i would like to express my feelings towards the one that was but did not blossom.
i owe you a letter too..
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to you, mr. sexy
Date: Aug 30th, 2009 - Subscribe
Mood: cherry cherry boom boom
i know that there's a chance you might read this. i actually want you to. maybe you should. obviously trusted you enough for you to be one of the only 2 people who know about this. so ok..
here it goes
i aint sure your intentions or confessions were as true as i thought they were. i mean, this is what i meant by being ballsy, boy. yeah we aint in no rush but what exactly do i have to hope for if i dont see or feel even the slightest nudge from you. believe you me, you had the upperhand. now though, you seemed to have dissolved. what happened, dear?
i know you may have been busy but a hi or hello should have sufficed. but maybe, maybe it was just some fantasy i conjured up in my head. maybe you are just meant to be my friend. not that that's a bad thing. you're one hell of a friend, y'know. with the drummer boy, now that one as well is quite a mix up. i try to avoid anyone gettin ideas in their heads. the only person who knows i favored you is..well..you haha!..thought that would've been a huge clue...guess not
so i dunno what to make of anything anymore, dear. i'd gladly remain your friend. and the feistiness of the X is soooo rampant, literally working double and over time.
well now maybe i guess i might need to see less of you?? ...i'm not sure!! HAHA!!..BADTRIP!! ..i usually talk to you abt these things...damn...ok...well cause if i really do wanna work this out with the X, i cant keep thinking of you being my what if..the X is showing the fight..which is what i wanted..i know it sounds soooo conceited but understand how maybe i wanted to feel worth it, worth effort..i was havin my fun single yeah..but at the same time, totally dismissin and maybe even undermining myself..and yea, the events on my bday proved how i felt pretty worthless :|
there's the drama yo..HAHA..gotta love it
...you're the what if that didnt exactly try, man..next time you like a girl..and by any chance she's a lot like me haha!..have a little more fight..i'm a little crazy that way, i dont mind the rough around the edges and the mud on my jeans 
but yea.. we cool it aint too late or anything...gaad see not wuite sure why i said that but did anyway :|..i dont know!! its YOU!! of all FUCKING people! you dont know your hold on me, man I SWEAR!...
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FAIL!!
Date: Jun 17th, 2009 - Subscribe
Mood: my first attempt to write teen movie/ meg cabot type of literature
it seems like with every breath i take, the louder my heart beats. i feel like the blood is rushing to my forehead. i know for a fact that i am all red. this is never a good look for me. my round face when red looks so much like a tomato with eyeballs.
i try to walk over again. it is so difficult. one whiff of his scent and again i'm hurrying back to my nonchalant corner of the restaurant with my verbose yet very amusing best friend, lexy.
"Go talk to him!," lexy says again. she doesn't get it. she never gets it. her quirkiness is so overwhelming that even when rejection does come her way she's too high on her on explosiveness that she doesn't even notice.
Maybe, if i try a more coincidential approach. I BUMP HIM! i wait for him to leave his table..oh but then he might be in a hurry to go somewhere..no no no..maybe when he gets up to the bathroom..no then i'd be stalling his pee break..mm..or maybe..maybe i just...arghh..maybe i just sit here and wallow as lexy goes on and on about her tales of sex and margharitas.
he's leaving!! come on, nerves we got this!..ok...breathe..god, lexy has to shut up! she's messin up my gameplan...oh god..slowly...slowwwwlllyyyy...now i'm right behind him...god, he smells good!...his stopping to put coins in the tip jar..my, he's so much taller up close..here it goes..
i tap his shoulder...he yelps!! starts to groan!!..oh fuck!!..i guess i was too mesmerized to notice his arm in a sling! probably a dislocated shoulder....fuck..and i guess my nerves too tightly bound caused a stronger tap than i thought..he's grabbed a hold on his arm..still slightly groaning in pain.. he turns around and sees me..me and my tomato head with a jaw dropped to the floor...i say quickly and in a pitch only heard by dogs, "sorry!" ...and i rush back to lexy, who is laughing her ass off at this point....
oh shit....fail....fail fail fail!
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utol
Date: Jun 11th, 2009 - Subscribe
Mood: i could only take so much
i'm turning 21 but you make me feel like a child. you get what you want with a snap of your fingers. and here i am again giving into you.
its because you're perfect and i hate it. you've got the legs and the waist. you're beautiful and you know it. its not that i'm jealous. i don't need to be able to wear your skirts and make up. i hate your perfection because in his eyes you are still a doll. i hate sometimes how even my own love finds ways to sneak and flirt with you in front of me. i understand though. you are quite hot. they all love you. testosterone. estrogen. it dont matter.
i'm still the tomboy, i just never grew out of it. sometimes i really wish i could but i get so uncomfortable. i wish i can be as skinny you though. i wish also that maybe once in a while i'd splurge on something a girl is supposed to splurge on..i just..there's this fixed mentality i have that when i find something i want but is out of what to me is a considerable price range, i look, imagine and keep walking...whatever i do manage to purchase, more often than not, is from my own money..saved up...you just show your interest and you got it...its yours...his credit card is at your beck and call, dear..and my do you abuse it to maximum..but he doesn't care does he?...you're the angel..
words spit out of my mouth. i sound like a sailor. i do not know how to shop for bras or anything actually!! i STILL have no poise!..man..oh but i try...but no matter what i do,you got the genes..you got it all..i'm outta luck in that area..and you're not dumb either...god...i must look like a sack a shit beside you huh?
i hate this self pity thing...but i've been fighting it for so loooong now...and i'm tired...and now that i found this one thing..twas supposed to be mine..my keepsake...still you take it away.. AND WHY IS IT THAT I GIVE INTO YOU?? ...GOD...i got so used to you being the one with everything... you, the princess. you, the gorgeous one. i didn't even fight anymore..take it..i have no energy to fight anymore...
maybe someday i'll find something that is my own. something you wont copy or take away from me...maybe someday i will have the kind of love and admiration you receive..maybe someday i can actually stand up to you
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