epic fail
Date: Jan 14th, 2009 - Subscribe
Mood: fail fail fail
i chose not to write for so long to avoid the bursts of emotions i so faithfully try to bottle up. i believe that my mind plays tricks on me, forcing, pushing that i ought to think one way and yet i feel the other. guess my attempt of creating a lighter, easier, optimistic online journal was a waste of time.
i'm a drama queen minus the flash, grace, and femininity. i'm a poet, a broken heart, a curious cat, a whistler, a beat down, a girl, a secret. i refuse to allow anyone in. i prefer the persona everybody has adapted to. no way would i have been misconstrued. i think it's better that way.
i wish i could be more of what's expected of a "woman." even the way i talk is harsh and unruly. i don't always mean to but the dialect i prefer is my native language. i guess for an english speaking country, the only proper way to converse in a mature and intelligent manner is to keep with the english and the soft spoken tone.
i also have to learn how to sit and lose the chub i got. i ain't big. i just got the unwanted flabs that just add to this insecure little whiny baby in me...haha!..guess, i'm just really good at hiding things.
oh but except from the commander man. he knows. and it bugs me that he does. i want to hide it. damn it. he can tell. he can sense. we're getting too close...haha!...it's funny..we're too close but i miss him like crazy..i think i lost him a long time ago.. the person he has become is someone i don't know...and again, another funny..this person i don't know is the very person i love with everything in me...i'm on a roll,boy
i miss him. us. whatever the hell we were when we didn't have a care...after he messed up it never was the same...something died in me...and i'm just not who i used to be...we're strangers in love..or well at least i know i'm in love...i always will be...i have a good heart, i know that now..it's my blessing and my curse...
i keep moving. he breathes down my neck
shivers down my spine, i freeze.
he leaves, i crumble into the usual wreck
i chase. i love. he's my tease.
takes my hand. a kiss. a slap
a warmth i long for and yet..
i spiral then fall into a trap
mine, his, i'll never forget..
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damn son
Date: Jan 14th, 2009 - Subscribe
Mood: freaky deeky
back to drama and again with the explosions. it's like new year's. loud. hectic. relentless. and you do not sleep. astounding.
i was never fond of the noise. the sights, gorgeous. the noise, too much. guns fire and children die. it's not quite the celebration when you risk losing fingers.
i hate. i love. i hate. i love. i don't understand. i want to get away. i love.
which sucks cause it drives me up the wall and around and around. i vomit a little in my mouth and deliberate for a good minute or so on whether or not i swallow or allow the spew.
i can't sleep.
what once was such refuge is now torture. it's like replacing a cheap ass, ratty, yet beloved teddy bear with a stainless, new, expensive, state-of-the-art knife. one's worth more than the other and for sure, much more useful.
although, which exactly would one like to sleep with?...but who sleeps nowadays...
i laugh. i cry. i laugh. i cry. i smile, half a smile. i quiver. i cry. it's not much fun when you don't know what's up ahead. imagine the world's greatest roller coaster ride but the only thing visible are the carts and the few meters of track before entering a cave of mystery and horror. would you ride it not knowing what you're in for? let alone, knowing if it's safe.
new years is a bust when your's is too heavy and you slump forward when you walk. the weight of the moon balloons doesn't help much with the oxygen flow to my brain.
could it be why i can't sleep?
i give in. i give up. i don't remember anymore why i'm here. i'm lost and he ain't helping. so why do i strive?
maybe a knife and a teddy bear makes sense to the slit freaks and emotards but i refuse to entertain such a combination
so i play the game i refuse to play. unfortunately, to bench is not an option. what to do when your in the way
of a heart that has lost its caution
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take me for a ride aladdin!
Date: Nov 27th, 2008 - Subscribe
Mood: psssshhh
ok..so i will tell a story..a dora loves a diego..then the diego chooses to lie to the dora about countless things and dora is left all distraught. how sad. a dora is not one to mope but because of certainties, she allows herself to be miserable. a diego is not one to work on his mistakes nor make up for them. ayayay and ariba ariba!..and the plot thickens..chickens
i am a wreck. i wish i had alcohol or maybe even a spooning buddy to get over everything. the latter, an exaggeration of course. or is it? i wish i had a magic carpet! (which is still, by the way, the main component of my sexual fantasy)..you know what else would help distract me from my shit telenovela? a horse. if there was a big horse in the room, now that would be wild.
on a lighter note, i just came from the NU rock awards. twas kickass, as expected. i was able to watch all the bands i wanted to watch plus cheap booze. the awardees however..eh..
hguoht ereht saw he
oh well
i'd love to work as an organizer for events like that. it would be the best! i wouldn't have to be a groupie to be a part of that sorta scene. free concerts, performances, and a few freebies here and there. that's the shit, man.
wonder if my course covers that field. multimedia arts. hmm. sounds like it would.
well, i'm pretty much at a loss for words. exhausted and hungry too. dang it. that's it, i'm good. i'ma head off to my magic carpet dreams, if ya know what i mean 
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help..start reading 12345
Date: Nov 23rd, 2008 - Subscribe
Mood: badabing badaboom
my my, now where do i start? i find there's more for me to do nowadays than ever. i have encountered many surprising advances as well as lashed out at crazy bitch girls who i'd love to just pile drive into mounds of cow shit..but other than that, i'm pretty damn good.
i've been trying to just relax. avoid the drama. new tactics for my 20 year old self. instead of using this as a portal for my excessive rants and banter, i will make this more of an opinions column. or even sex column. or even, hmm..iunno..sports column.
i've gone a long way. i used to write poems and short stories here. that ended and then became this drama log. now, well..let's talk about..mmm..randy couture
i'm not like other girls. i don't shop, don't know how to put on make up, i curse like a sailor, and i don't own a dress. the only girl thing that i actually make sure to purchase frequently are sanitary napkins..
anyway, couture fought against lesnar about a week or two ago. AND GOD, that sucked. i mean, yes, obviously i'm a couture fan but c'mon, the fight could've gone so much better! randy couture looked tiny in lesnar's guard. lesnar's huge! do you know that they have to custom make his gloves cause none of the standard sizes fit his gorilla fists?? he's like a...XXXXXL?!?!
oh but lesnar's strong. i can admit that. and FAST for such a big guy man geez. when randy fell, then brock started to just pound his face (which really did look as if he was jacking off randy's face) it looked like his fist covered half of randy's head. it was a disappointing match, i thought that it would go on for at least 3 rounds. even joe rogan sounded disappointed..haaay..next time
brock looks like a baby. with no eye brows.
12345
my project for my design concepts class is to do a mini-thesis on any topic you like. my topic that was approved was on body art. now i'm not sure what that entails. tattooing, piercing, branding..does it include that suspension thing where people are pierced through their backs and chests to hang from wires? or is that performance art.
i'm trying to avoid making my topic too broad but i must know which too include. i have to do so much for this actually. i have to come up with a story board for a TV commercial, a script or audio ep for a radio commercial, a poster, a flyer, a billboard design, and several promotional items.
god i hate school
it would help though, if i got opinions from other people. i know i don't got much readers but to those who come across this and decide to comment, THANK YOU!
Now, just lemme know what your take is on body art. tattoos, piercings, whatever. if you have any, explain why you got them and what is the sentiment behind them. oh and lemme know if i should also write about the suspension thing.
i'm out. adios
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imagination oblation
Date: Oct 4th, 2008 - Subscribe
Mood: i'm a day dreamer..err..day nightmare-er
kablam, boy. i haven't been here in a very very long time. my computer got fucked and well, didn't have time to really find somewhere else to do my ranting. well haven't had much to really write about.
well no, that's a lie. there have been days that i was literally itching to just let it all out. i get so weird at times and i tend to think way too much, so i'm there mindlessly grinding my teeth till i hurt myself.
my mind thinks in alternate levels and i feel like i have to catch up with myself sometimes or even pin down my restless thoughts. when my imagination gets wild enough i even imagine myself doin' a tombstone pile driver on my subconscious ass.
i imagine the guinea pigs. i wish them well yet i don't consider returning to my once sanctuary. i feel that it would be too much for me to take once the emotions start kicking back in. plus, concrete has become so unappealing to me.
i imagine at times if the beats ever went away. i imagine sometimes what it would be like with that one. i continue this imaginary world til half way through i see him and everything freezes. i then imagine how horrible it would've been if he were gone.
i imagine her. i imagine girl. i imagine woman. i imagine what there would've been. i imagine how it would work. i spiral out of control and then freak myself out with these raunchy thoughts...now this is where the tombstone pile driver comes in...
after regaining composure,
i imagine him hurting me again. i imagine him imagining her imagining if they were wrong about each other. then i imagine him imagining me imagining whether or not i'm paranoid enough to spy and catch him.
i drive myself completely insane. it's 4 am and i'm still clawing my way into bed..
ciao!
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