aya's Blog

utol
Date: Jun 11th, 2009 - Subscribe
Mood: i could only take so much


i'm turning 21 but you make me feel like a child. you get what you want with a snap of your fingers. and here i am again giving into you.

its because you're perfect and i hate it. you've got the legs and the waist. you're beautiful and you know it. its not that i'm jealous. i don't need to be able to wear your skirts and make up. i hate your perfection because in his eyes you are still a doll. i hate sometimes how even my own love finds ways to sneak and flirt with you in front of me. i understand though. you are quite hot. they all love you. testosterone. estrogen. it dont matter.

i'm still the tomboy, i just never grew out of it. sometimes i really wish i could but i get so uncomfortable. i wish i can be as skinny you though. i wish also that maybe once in a while i'd splurge on something a girl is supposed to splurge on..i just..there's this fixed mentality i have that when i find something i want but is out of what to me is a considerable price range, i look, imagine and keep walking...whatever i do manage to purchase, more often than not, is from my own money..saved up...you just show your interest and you got it...its yours...his credit card is at your beck and call, dear..and my do you abuse it to maximum..but he doesn't care does he?...you're the angel..

words spit out of my mouth. i sound like a sailor. i do not know how to shop for bras or anything actually!! i STILL have no poise!..man..oh but i try...but no matter what i do,you got the genes..you got it all..i'm outta luck in that area..and you're not dumb either...god...i must look like a sack a shit beside you huh?

i hate this self pity thing...but i've been fighting it for so loooong now...and i'm tired...and now that i found this one thing..twas supposed to be mine..my keepsake...still you take it away.. AND WHY IS IT THAT I GIVE INTO YOU?? ...GOD...i got so used to you being the one with everything... you, the princess. you, the gorgeous one. i didn't even fight anymore..take it..i have no energy to fight anymore...

maybe someday i'll find something that is my own. something you wont copy or take away from me...maybe someday i will have the kind of love and admiration you receive..maybe someday i can actually stand up to you


Comments: (1)

etoile - June 11th, 2009 you don't know me, but your words touch me. also, i think we're the same age. back in high school i had a best friend who i was attached at the hip with. but she was gorgeous. she was hilarious, and together we were unstoppable. first she was awkward, then she became gorgeous and we became strained. all of a sudden boys were talking to me, to get her number, and it kind of hurt. it hurt to realize that in their eyes i was a step towards her and nothing else. i resented her for it greatly. she was the self-proclaimed pretty one and i was the brains. still am. it got to a point that i stopped talking to her all together, but it was the best damned thing i could ever have done. i found someone to love me and i grew into my own skin. found myself and my own way to be without having to be a sidekick. ...obviously your situation isn't the same. but it just reminded me of that and for some reason i felt like sharing. it might mean something or nothing to you, i don't know. sorry for rambling, haha.

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