Im an idiot
Date: May 19th, 2005 3:33:17 pm - Subscribe
Ok, so youd think that after the first few years of my life Id get it. Well, youre wrong. I still didnt see it coming. I never get what I want. i dont want to be a selfish little bitch... but I at least want to have something go my way ONE TIME. I dont think that is that much to ask. I try all these self improvement things, Im nice to everyone... and still I cant get a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Yeah, I know some people do like me. But that doesnt mean that I like them that way back. I just can never have something go my way with dating. Sometimes I just want to completely give up. But I know that then Ill feel so alone... which is freakin pathetic. I dont want to feel this way. I dont want to like who I do. Why cant I be happy with someone that likes me? I guess that Im meant to be single for the rest of my life. I guess that Im not meant to ever have a significant other. Perpetually single... perpetually lonely... perpetually unhappy.
Date: Mar 29th, 2005 9:02:07 pm - Subscribe
Holy freakin crap. Crazy crazy story. I went over to David Fassnachts house after school. I love that kid to freaking death. He makes me so happy in ways that few people could understand. But like, at 7:30, I took the Coheed cd he burned me, and started walking home. As I walk home, listening to Blood Red Summer by Coheed, I looked up, and saw all the stars. The warmness of the day caressed my skin, and as I stare into the infinite power of the stars, I was so happy. I dont know why Im so happy, perhaps because I found a friend that will help me get over Paul. I found a friend, not only a friend, but a guy, that I feel like I can really talk to. I have a lack of those these days. Not friends, I have plenty of those. But friends that are guys. Its so nice to be with him. Its so nice to know that hes there. Its so great to know that someone is there for me always. Yes, I do have Bonnie. And I am infinitely grateful for her. But its nice to know that I can connect with a guy. That REALLY doesnt happen often. Maybe thats why I was so sad over Paul. I got attached to a guy, and he ripped my heart out. David wont do that, I know he wont. But I was just so happy. I listened to Blood Red Summer, and Beautiful, by Bethany Dillon. Those two songs make me really really happy. I just thought about what I had done today. I thought about how I had actually lived a day for me. And I loved it. I relished in the fact that I had a day where I could do whatever I wanted with. I loved the fact that I had a day to spend with a new found friend. I remembered when I just liked him, and I was crying my eyes out over Paul. He came up and said "Love me!" and gave me a hug. I know, hes freaking adorable. But it was so hard not to reply with...
"I already do."
He stole my heart. He treats it well. He gives it the attention it craves, he gives it the love it deserves.
Thank you David.
Its about time.
Date: Mar 17th, 2005 6:59:01 am - Subscribe
<Mr Brightside3: Dont know if Ill ever know why, or hear the sound when angels cry....
Shor t post today folks. As I was walking here to the Tech Center, I saw my reflection in a window. I finally like who I am. I like what I am. I like what I look like. Im happy with myself for once.
I freakin win!
Date: Mar 10th, 2005 7:14:55 am - Subscribe
<Mr Brightside3: Do you remember, that cold day in December, leaving everything you knew behind?
Ok, so there was this party. My friend Samantha Lee's bday party. It was really fun, a whole lot of food, a whole lot of my friends were there. Then this guy named Tim came. I cant spell/pronounce his last name :-P I had seen him before, although I couldnt say when. He felt the same. Eventually, we figured out that it was at a cast party from Godspell that we met. We talked about movies a lot. It was great fun. Well, as the day progressed, I thought he was really hott. And I made sure that everyone that knew I was bi knew that. And just about every girl thought he was really hott too. So there I was, sitting, already accepting the fact that he was straight, and that nothing would ever happen. Well, this was Saturday. The same day as the concert, which is still the most inspirational things that I have ever experienced. Today, Samantha came in. She told me she had a secret to tell me. She called me in the choir room, we were the only ones in there. And she proceeded to tell me how Tim was talking to her on the internet yesterday, and didnt want to say anything about it at the party because a bunch of girls thought he was really hott. He is either gay or bi. Im not sure which, the point is though... he likes guys. That has currently made my day. And thats where I get "I win!" from. I mean, come on. I finally get a hott guy. All the other ones are straight dammit :-P So yeah. Its all up to me now. Shes going to try to drag him to this talent competition that Im in today. I think Ill ask him about... stuff there.
On a totally different subject. I got in a fight with Bonnie a couple days ago. And I do feel really bad about the tone in my voice when I said what I did. I think she needed to hear it, but that doesnt mean that it didnt hurt, or that it didnt hurt me. I do love talking to her. I love being with her. I do love her. But Im not IN LOVE with her. There is a distinct difference.
That doesnt make it hurt less.
Date: Mar 6th, 2005 9:29:35 pm - Subscribe
<Mr Brightside3: For the first time, in my whole life, Im not afraid of feeling alive. For the last time, Im falling behind, and NOTHING out there will change my mind.
Unlike the title of this, Im in an insanely happy mood. The bullshit comes from my last post. Disregard it. Im a changed person. I have a newer, rejuvenated look on life. I know that everything is going to be great. Im perfectly balanced. This is the most amazing feeling I have ever felt. Dont go searching for it, because it just comes to you. I have broken the mold of the static, day to day routine, I dont live from week to week anymore. I live moment by moment! I know what I want in life. I know I can get it. I know that I have the best friends in the world. I know that I have all the support in the world. I just know that everything will be alright, I know that everything is going to be the best it can. And I know this because Im going to make it that way. Away with fate. Fate is a fallacy within itself. Fate is what you make it. My life is going to be lived the way I want to! No more doubts about me becoming famous. Thats all Ive ever wanted my entire life. Ive almost conquered this town, and I have my whole life ahead of me. Its not to late.
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