b14d3's Blog

Why do I think!?!
Date: Feb 28th, 2005 8:10:52 am - Subscribe
Mood: defeated
<Mr Brightside3: I took a walk down a country road... I know. It might sound dumb maybe but I was all alone. Its a long and lonely road, if you dont like it, then you dont take it, its a long and lonely road.

Ok, so yeah, I was thinking again yesterday. About me and Bill, and me and Paul. No, I was not thinking the pity-me depressive crap that I was before, this time its still depressive, yet it really has to do with other people... or another person rather. Ok, so lets say that next year, I have a friend who is like me. Like, exactly like me. Like me and Bill are. Like me and Paul are. I just dont want to have to be on both sides of that conflict. I think that it would like, almost kill me. I honestly dont know what I would do. I hate this. I hate having to consider other peoples emotion. Although due to who I am I could never let that go. Its like, I would love to give a sophomore that kind of connection, I know that I sure relished in it. But like, I dont want to have to leave that person. I dont want to put anyone through what I went through. Im not a radicalist like Dani, and I will hang out with my friends. She stopped hanging out with her friends so that they wouldnt miss her. I want people to miss me. I want people to remember me. But like, I dont want people to be as sad as I was over Bill.

And another thing, about Paul that I dont think anyone really realizes. Yeah, during the school year when he was still here, I think I talked to him a total of maybe 3 or 4 times. I never really got to know him. Like... I knew him, but I didnt KNOW him like I do now. And what people dont seem to understand is that while yeah... I am really attatched to him, I didnt get to spend as much time with his as I did with Bill. So yeah, I had another best friend for like... a week. Then he left. That hurts so much more than if I would have gotten to know him over a long period of time. I regret any time that I was not with him. I regret the fact that school was in the way. I just want to be with him all the time. I want to see Bill all the time. There are so many things I want, and I might be being selfish, but yeah. I dont care. I want people.

Speaking of being selfish. Allison has been lately. She is currently trying to blame us for our problems with her. Granted, it might be our fault. But ya know what? If she didnt do things we disapprove of, like weed... underage drinking... sex... then she wouldnt have to deal with it. So yeah.
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Merh
Date: Feb 22nd, 2005 8:03:33 am - Subscribe
Mood: loud
<Mr Brightside3: Hawk Nelson ~ From Underneath

I may never know how it feels to stand, beside you... and take your hand. When I need some direction. And I may never know what its like to see you smile back at me. Or know youd be proud of me. From underneath, I promise to, erase the past and let my past forgive the former you, replace the dark of old and start brand new. I never though Id see the day Id walk towards the light and turn the other way. Do you remember, that cold day in December, leaving everything you know behind....
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First Time
Date: Feb 15th, 2005 9:00:28 am - Subscribe
Mood: lucky
<Mr Brightside3: For the first time, in my whole life. Im not afraid of feeling alive. For the last time, Im falling behind, and nothing out there will change my mind.

Yet another Hawk Nelson song that is inspiring. Its very "carpe diem"-esque. Its about taking risks, its about keeping up with other people, and enjoying life as you know it. Simply amazing. I think Ill try it.

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Take Me
Date: Feb 14th, 2005 8:31:06 am - Subscribe
Mood: complete
<Mr Brightside3: Cause from the window where I sometimes cry I just, wanna see your face tonight, and Im willing to lose everything I am. Cause I need you more than ever...

A great song by Hawk Nelson. I love it soo much. Everything, well almost everything, that is said applies to me. Mostly from the beginning. If you will all recall something for me, mainly the part where I was talking about Paul and I said that I wanted to be here, waiting in my window, looking adorable. And I did. And then I got the Hawk Nelson cd, and I listened to the whole thing through. And then as I was listening to this song called "Take Me" there was this series of lyrics that embodied me and all that I am. "Cause from the window where I sometimes cry, I just wanna see your face tonight, and Im willing to lose everything I am. Cause I need you more than ever." And I was like "Oh my freakin God!" and yeah, if that doesnt describe me, nothing does. So yeah, if you all can get a chance, buy the Hawk Nelson cd, they are amazing beyond words. And then, the chorus to that very same song is what a lot of people need today, trust me, Ill quote it. "Take me under your wing tonight, make me so perfect in your eyes. Hold on, cause itll be alright. Youre not alone." Yeah, Hawk Nelson rocks. I know.

So I used to think that the song that embodied what I felt for Paul was "True" by Ryan Cabrera. But its definetly "Take Me" by Hawk Nelson. I miss him so much. I dont think that I can ever live without him. I dont know if its really HIM that I miss, or if its the feeling that he gives me. He makes me feel accepted, he makes me feel like he loves me, because I know he does. I know that he does no matter what he might say. That is the greatest feeling of all time. To know that someone loves you unconditionally, and that I love him uncoditionally. Hes like.... the older brother I never had. The best guy friend I always wanted. The guy who would change my life so dramatically that I will love him forever.

And I will.
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Sentinel, Martyr, Friend, Healer, Bard
Date: Feb 7th, 2005 8:28:24 am - Subscribe
Mood: I may never know how it feels to stand beside you and take your hand. When I need some direction. And I may never know what its like to see you smile back at me. Or know that youre proud of me.


Yeah. I miss him. A lot. But you see, I guess I kinda switched my views on things. I used to be all like "OMG, I miss him, hes going to come back I know, but he takes to damn long." Now my view is "Wow, I miss and love that kid. But Im right where I should be." I know that I should be here. Waiting for him. Missing him. Its what I was meant to do. Long for people, and comfort them in the fact that they know that someone is longing for them. Comforting people is what I do. So I dont know why I make people comfort me. I dont need to be comforted. I need to comfort people. Take Paul for example. I think he would be worse off if he thought that no one here really cared about him the way I do. He himself said that the fact that I really want him physically makes him feel good about myself. I know nothing will ever happen in that department, and I accept that no matter what my mind tells me otherwise. But I guess the strength to accept that comes in the fact that I know that he cares about me. I care about him. Ill comfort him for as long as he needs it, and Ill do it with a smile.

So yeah, Paul introduced me to this girl named Tasha. And I kind of like her. Granted, I have a girlfriend. And now I feel like a freakin slut and I know I shouldnt. I mean, Im so used to having all of my feelings sorted out. And then I turned bisexual. And I like 2 girls, and want quite a few guys... but yeah. I like knowing that Im ok. I like knowing that I know what the crap is going on. I like knowing that I am loved. I like knowing that those that I love know that as well. And Bonnie loves me. Yeah, I guess I kind of knew it for quite a while. But like, I dont feel like anything is there. I feel bad because she herself said that if I said that she would have a hard time accepting it. Well, I dont mean to sound cold or anything, but thats what I feel. You have to accept it Bons. I DO feel sorry. I DO feel bad. But I dont feel anything there. Im sorry.

So Im going out with Katie. But I like Tasha too. Confusion. But it happens. I guess I do believe in fate. I guess I do believe that everything is going to work out the way that it is supposed to. So I guess thats where my philosophy comes from. Im right where Im supposed to be. Things are working exactly how they should. Things are going to work exactly as they are meant to. Im going to sit here, let things happen, and only intervene when someone gets hurt. I guess Im going to live life as a Sentinel, a guardian of peoples hearts. And Im afraid that I have to hurt people in order to get that way. A Martyr, hurt myself for others. A Friend, care for people in their time of need. A Healer, make people better. A Bard, use my voice to make people feel better, and feel strong even when their bodies feel week. Thats what I am.

Sentinel, Martyr, Friend, Healer, Bard. Im here, might as well make the best of it.
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