-Lucky
-Brand New World Revisited
-Lullaby
-Hairstyles of the Damned
-Haunted
-Invisible Monster
-Water for Elephants
Read to keep your mind off of reality.
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(no specific order) -Lucky -Brand New World Revisited -Lullaby -Hairstyles of the Damned -Haunted -Invisible Monster -Water for Elephants Read to keep your mind off of reality. |
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Well, I decided I'm going to use a bunch of quotes from my favorite songs, or my favorite books, or just anything, to make this entry. "Trapped in my thoughts, you repeating like a machine gun. Phantasmagoria. The time pelting me, pelting me." ' Sadness gave way to isolation. Isabel constantly felt as if she were on the outside looking in. As if she wasn't quite a participant in everday life, but a sleepwalker ' "So now I don't say nothing at all, I just bow my head to the battle. A thousand miles above our heads, they are weaving, giant currents around the sun. If you're brave enough you'll just let it happen, if youre brave enough you'll just succumb. " ' Here was the thing called depression that was not definable in any sort of concrete way (was it bigger than a breadbox? Smaller then an armoire? animal, vegetable, or mineral?) that had simply taken up residence in my mind - a mirage, a vision, a hallucination - and yet it was creeping into the lives of everyone who was close to me, ruining them all as I was ruined myself. ' "Oh, if you would and you could, straighten my new mind's eye." " Let me stretch upon your carpet, let me hear the rain tap on your street. Knowing I am safe on the inside, blankets wrapped and drifting off to sleep. " ' When I lay down in bed at night, I put on the Billie Holiday record, and I started reading the book of e. e. cummings poems. After I read the poem that compares the women's hands to flowers and rain, I put the book down and went to the window. I stared at my reflection and the trees behind it for a long time. Not thinking anything. Not feeling anything. Not hearing the record. For hours. Something really is wrong with me. And I don't know what it is. ' " When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend. I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations. I see the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection. The mask I polish in the evening, by the morning looks like shit. " "Feeling yourself disintegrate. " "Then any fool can, easy pick a hole. I only wish I could fall in.." "Go back, go back, just get away from me." Well, that only took me forever. But, it's not like I was doing anything else. Those still aren't enough for me to describe things. I'll never be able to explain my self fully though, I know. Blog fin. |
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And I did nothing. I got up this morning, took a shower, sat next to my wood stove and said to myself, "Fuck this, there is no way I'm going to school." So I gave myself the day off. I needed it. But I'm so tired still. I don't want to go to school tomorrow either, but I guess no kid really wants to ever go.. I knew this was comming. I can't hold myself up much longer. It's getting pretty sad, really. I'm trying so hard, but I don't know how strong enough I can be anymore. I used to deal with things so well. I used to know what to do, and what to say, and how to feel. I don't know anymore, I just don't. Blog Fin. M E L T D O W N . |
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It's sad not having a special someone on my mind constantly. It's even sadder to know that I'm not that special someone on anyone else's mind. This is the winter of loneliness. This is the winter of sorrow. Blog fin. Looking for faces in the clouds. |
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^How something can change your entire mind set.^ Somethings in life are truely a blessing, while others seem to be a curse. I'm thankful for the experiences I've had, and for the people who have shared these times with me. I'm beginning to get positive, relax, and to let go. I'm finding somethings are getting easier, while others seem to be getting harder by the minute. BUT, I'm trying. I'm dealing. I'm living. Blog fin. Just. let. go. |
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I'm cold. I'm distant. I'm untalkitive. I'm unemotional. I'm unimaginative. I'm sad. I'm vulnerable. I'm tired. I'm used, yet useless. I'm starving. I'm confused. I'm dizzy. I'm uneasy. I'm violent. I'm alone. I'm bitter. I'm unhappy. I'm back to what I used to be. Love me. Adore me. Hold me. Don't forget me. Blog fin. Intoxicate me. |
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Things haven't been going so nice. Family, school, relationships, etc. I'm sick of being stressed. I want to be happy, I need to be. If things don't get better, I'm going to shut down. I just know it. blog fin. |
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And I can't sleep. I'm so drained. I need to get some rest already. This whole day I felt like I was forgetting something, something bad. I really hope I'm not.. I'm hoping tomorrow goes well, I really am. I can just see something going wrong.. Eghhh, I should lay down... Blog fin. PS- This has been one hell of a week, I'm glad it's almost over. |
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And there is no one here to catch my fall. THESE ARE ALL RANDOM THOUGHTS, AND I MIGHT JUMP AROUND. SORRY, I'M THINKING ALL OVER. I'm really thinking about my first reaction to the news. It was unreal. It seemed impossible. I was devastated. DEVASTATED. As was my mother. Her and I both dropped to the floor, while the tears streamed out our eyes and the screams squeeled out our throats. It was too much for me to handle, far too much. A couple days later, my mother hits the family with another bomb. The word 'divorce'. One word that describes the seperation of a family, and many months of unhappiness. She managed to make it worse, by saying that she'd stay. That she wouldn't leave my father. I'm not stupid. I saw everything as I was growing up. My mother is probably one of the hardest people on the planet to make happy, and sadly I think I take after her in that way. This is why, I hate liars. And why I don't give a damn if I lie to my parents. Moving off of my parents.. How can a heart with so much love in it just stop? HOW? It shouldn't be allowed. fhdjshajklas fuck it, fuck it, fuck it. Blog fin. My grandfather was the gluey frosting that held my families gingerbread house together. With out him, the walls caved in, and my family was broken. |
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To write something beautiful. I have a headache, so I can't really think at the moment. Christmas is a bust, it is probably the worst christmas day yet. And wednesday is going to be horrid. I don't even want to see my mom then. It's been five years, wow. Five fucking years with out you. You deserve to be here, you need to be here. Everyone misses you, and everyone needs you now more than ever. It's been tough with out you, extremely tough. It's not the same anymore. Holidays have almost no meaning anymore. Not to me, anyways. When I think of christmas, I think of when you left that night. Did you know I would never see you again? You hugged me and told me you loved me. And you spun me in a circle, just like I was 5 again. I thought nothing of it. Looking back, it seems like you did know. I want that moment back so bad right now, I would give anything to just.. see you for one second. You made me, me. I've fallen apart with out you. I've managed to put myself back together, but I'm still not fully fixed. I don't know if I ever will be. galghfjklahgjklfa hakld. I can't think right now, I'll finish this in the future. Blog fin. I need you. I miss you. I love you. |
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Wasn't all too bad, I guess. My friends all seemed to have a pretty good time, which it was nice to see atleast someone happy. Sorry for being such a downer at somepoints, I really just didn't want to be there. I tried not to show it, but my fake smile really doesn't fool anyone.. so I really didn't bother with it. I had both high and low points during the night, which was expected. I guess I felt pretty. Quite a few people actually told me a looked good, which it was nice, cause I really thought I was going to look like shit.. My hair really wasn't working before the dance, I was definitely not having the greatest time getting ready, but in the end.. I looked better than I thought I was going to, and once again.. I'm sorry for being bitchy to anyone. Dancing insane was fun, as usual. I probably looked like a freak, heh. Oh well though, it was nice getting down and silly. Dancing at school and dancing at the club are two totally different things though. Heh, it's weird because I saw some girls that were dancing so gross.. but then I was like waittt... I pretty much dance like that at the club.. but still everyone dances like that at the club, you really shouldn't do that at school..imo anyways. I got a couple boys to booty dance with me, and it was pretty hilarious. But, I'm sure I looked pretty silly too. I actually like it when guys can just get all silly, and don't care. shrugs<< I really got happy when they played U & Dat though, because I was waiting for it the whole night. hehe. They really didn't play any slow songs, maybe like 5 at the most. Which I donno, slow songs sort of put me in a worse mood, if I wasn't dancing with anyone during them.. I donno it was weird just standing there watching everyone. I actually really like slow dancing.. possibly more than freak dancing.. I guess it just depends on my mood really, which I was in the mood to slow dance that night. So it was nice to get a couple in with a few different people. It was cute seeing all the couples together dancing. I was happy for my friends. But I have to laugh, because when the dance was over.. my one younger guy friend comes up and I give him a hug, and he totally touched my butt. And I was like "wtf, you just touched my booty!" and he's just like "Ohhh, did I?" and he gave this little smirk. I donno why, but it cracks me up. Little perverts. I think the ending of the dance was alright. I actually felt better when I left, I donno.. I guess I just felt sort of satisfied knowing a couple things. Afterwords I thought we were going to a party.. but sadly that didn't happen. It sucks that we can't drive yet, and that we have few friends who can take us places, and get us fun things... Oh well. I mean, we'll be older soon enough. So we just had a girls night in, haha. We watched some christmas movie on mute, and were making the story up.. about Santa having buttsex with little children HAH. Yeah.. fun stuff fun stuff. So this was an extremely long entry.. so kudos to anyone who actually read the entire thing. =D (P.S.- my body is going to hell, so if you see some random body parts on the street.. they're probably mine, so if you could return them to me that'd be nice. =P lol) Blog fin. "Carve your number on my wall, and maybe you will get a call from me. If I needed someone." |
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I hate feeling it. Blog fin. (it's weird how where I'm supposed to select my mood.. it always has the right one on it already.. if you get what I mean.) |
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| ..that my feelings seem to change everday? |
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I really just want to say fuck it. I really, really just want to say fuck it. But at the same time I don't. I really, really don't. Maybe I'm just an impatient person? Blog fin. "Must there always be a catch? What we really want is just ahead, just over that hill. And the more i learn, the less i try.. to climb. The more we change, the more we wish we stayed the same, the more we try to fake ourselves into beliefs: 'the grass must be green somewhere!' " |
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| I'm afraid.. I'm not special enough. |
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Well, I had a great ride to work and back. On the ride there, we were going about 80.. and "Today" came on. It was such a good song to listen to, while speeding through the streets. =D Then this Beck song came on, again it was great for cruising at fast speeds. After a good, 40 minute ride to work, we were there. Work isn't bad, it's a pretty easy 20 bucks. After work, we turned on this phenomenal song that lasted the WHOLE ride home. It was the backround to some video game, I'm assuming it's an awesome game.. because hell, the music was amazing. So overall, work was made by music. I got excited while working, because a couple beatles songs played in the store. I like dancing as I mop and sweep up the floors, it makes things so much more enjoyable. And I heard someone might be fired.. which is good news for me, because that could mean I'd be getting more work time in! I'd really like to get a steady job though, so I can atleast get a cellphone.. because I really need one. Blog fin. "Robbed of ration, instinct gives rise. Robbed of ration, audacious and precise. The body lunges forward. Defeating.. time. You can find it if you.. Just let go, let it go, just, let it go!" PS- I love movies that have the ability to blow your mind. |
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Takes deep breath<< It's been a long start to the school year... Finally, the first marking period is over. What a relief it is, 1/4 done. The only class I am really worried about grade wise is Chemistry. Which, I've said all along that it's really not looking on the bright side for me. So, I'll just have to wait and see what comes on the report card. School is pretty tiring, but I guess that should be expected. Old news, but the strange dreams continue. I think I'm telling myself I can't deal with everything, and that I'm too stressed lately. I'm trying to relax and keep it cool, I think I'm just really tense. I need to loosen up a bit more, everything that's happened since the summer really changed things for me. I'm still adapting to it I think. No school tomorrow, which I am looking forward too. No school = sleeping in. Which, I really am looking forward to most. So, I just wrote a whole paragraph explaining about some opinions people may have, but I decided to just leave it at this: Your opinions are your opinions, I have my own, and you have your own. Ahhh, so the social anxiety continues. Which stinks also. I always feel like I'm saying the wrong thing, I'm tempted to just keep my mouth shut from now on. Maybe it'd be better for everyone if I did? I donno.. We'll just have to wait and see I guess.. Welp, hopefully this weekend is a good one. Blog Fin. |
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on my mind, to write with an on screen keyboard. -_- blog fin. |
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I knew it would be. Blog fin. |
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| Hm. So there isn't much to update. I guess? Nothing too much has been happening for me. I really want to see a movie, I'm not sure for what reason. So if you're up for it, don't hesitate to let me know. =) But yeah. Being at school sucks. It reminds me of how much drama there is everyday. This is the last weekend of work. Yay. I think I am going to finally buy an iPod with some of my money, just because I can. I am in desperate need of a back massage, it sucks. Oh well. Blog fin. |