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I did this to myself...

Jul 25th, 2006 7:36:36 am - Subscribe

Today I feel awful. Awful. Confused. Scared. Unsure what is to come for me. I should replace that fucking James Frey memouirs book with one of my own. I would call it A Million Fucking Disasters That Fuck Up My Life.

I hate what I am. I hate what I do. I have a hair pulling disorder and I have a huge bald spot on top of my head. I can't stop. I feel urges. It is an impulse disorder. I also have tons of stress and depression at basically every moment of the day. I take medicine and it doesn't help. It only makes me feel sick. It never makes me feel better. And I can easily say this shit I have to go through is ruining my life.

When this school year comes around I will only get made fun of. Laughed at. Ridiculed. I won't be able to hide it. I will have to defend myself, alone. School is what I fear.

Yesterday I did 3 terrible things. Things I thought might take the pain away. I smoked a cigarette and now I plan to get more and smoke. I had beer and I hate the taste of it. I shoplifted just because I had the oppurtunity to. Now don't get me wrong, I feel bad about these things but I need anything to escape the pain I bring to myself and my family. I don't want to see my pshycologist tomorow, I'm scared, and I don't like him.

I'm in even worse pain because I am in love with someone who probably doesn't know I exists or probably thinks I'm a freak. I have never been in love before but I know it is love because of the way I feel.

All I feel like is I don't care if they hate me or love me (I wish they would love me) but if them being happy means being with someone else, that is what I want for them because I love them so much. I've never experienced so much love until now. I would give up my life for this person. I would give up everything I own for this person. I would do anything for this person. Even if they don't notice me I want them to know just how much I love them and how it will never change. How even if I'm with someone else I'll never fully feel complete because I'm not with them. And even if they came to me in crisis I would listen and be there for them and not question them. I would listen even if it took days. I would listen if it took months. I would be there for that person no matter how I was feeling or no matter how much I wanted them for myself. Because I want them to be so perfectly happy. Even if it means me feeling miserable I would do that because just being in their presence makes me feel a little better, even thinking about the smallest memory of them makes me smile. I sound crazy but I can't help the way I feel. I don't even want to feel this way because I know I won't suceed I only fail in the end. Love only ends up hurting me.

God get me a cigaret.


mood: horrible
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