|I did this to myself...||
Jul 25th, 2006 7:36:36 am - Subscribe
|Today I feel awful. Awful. Confused. Scared. Unsure what is to come for me. I should replace that fucking James Frey memouirs book with one of my own. I would call it A Million Fucking Disasters That Fuck Up My Life.
I hate what I am. I hate what I do. I have a hair pulling disorder and I have a huge bald spot on top of my head. I can't stop. I feel urges. It is an impulse disorder. I also have tons of stress and depression at basically every moment of the day. I take medicine and it doesn't help. It only makes me feel sick. It never makes me feel better. And I can easily say this shit I have to go through is ruining my life.
When this school year comes around I will only get made fun of. Laughed at. Ridiculed. I won't be able to hide it. I will have to defend myself, alone. School is what I fear.
Yesterday I did 3 terrible things. Things I thought might take the pain away. I smoked a cigarette and now I plan to get more and smoke. I had beer and I hate the taste of it. I shoplifted just because I had the oppurtunity to. Now don't get me wrong, I feel bad about these things but I need anything to escape the pain I bring to myself and my family. I don't want to see my pshycologist tomorow, I'm scared, and I don't like him.
I'm in even worse pain because I am in love with someone who probably doesn't know I exists or probably thinks I'm a freak. I have never been in love before but I know it is love because of the way I feel.
All I feel like is I don't care if they hate me or love me (I wish they would love me) but if them being happy means being with someone else, that is what I want for them because I love them so much. I've never experienced so much love until now. I would give up my life for this person. I would give up everything I own for this person. I would do anything for this person. Even if they don't notice me I want them to know just how much I love them and how it will never change. How even if I'm with someone else I'll never fully feel complete because I'm not with them. And even if they came to me in crisis I would listen and be there for them and not question them. I would listen even if it took days. I would listen if it took months. I would be there for that person no matter how I was feeling or no matter how much I wanted them for myself. Because I want them to be so perfectly happy. Even if it means me feeling miserable I would do that because just being in their presence makes me feel a little better, even thinking about the smallest memory of them makes me smile. I sound crazy but I can't help the way I feel. I don't even want to feel this way because I know I won't suceed I only fail in the end. Love only ends up hurting me.
God get me a cigaret.
July 25th, 2006
|I wish I could help you to feel better. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Let me tell you something. My cousin had the same problem about the hair. I forget the technical name for it. Her mum never took her to the dr because she basically distrusted psychologists and the like, but eventually my cousin got over it, and she is a very witty and beautiful young woman now. She's on the depressive side, but hey, anyone who really sees the world has a tendency to feel low. Can I also tell you something else? (And you can feel free to delete this comment after you read it)--please, please don't smoke because it's sooo bad for your health and it's sooo addicting and then it becomes very expensive all the way around. Much better to not get into the habit. The beer is the same thing--and especially if you are young and still in school. Next thing peeps will be trying to get you involved with weed, etc. and when you are in school, it just doesn't work. But the beer is definitely not good. I don't mean to sound like your mum, but I don't want you to hurt yourself.
About this love business, I know how you feel. That's very noble for you to want their happiness first. That's okay as long as it makes you happy, but don't ever let someone hurt you just because you think you love them. People who care about you won't ask that of you. Anyways, please don't be so hard on yourself. Just take things one tiny little positive step at a time. If you accomplish even a very small goal, congratulate yourself and keep on going. You would be uttlerly amazed at how many people feel confused and bad inside and have so many problems to deal with that you might never know they had, so don't feel alone and keep on trying. Things will get better. PS can you tell the dr to give you something else because the stuff you have is making you feel sick?
July 25th, 2006
|I used to feel the same way about everything. I didn't have to take medication, though, and I didn't see a psychologist. My mother couldn't tell that I was secretly abusing myself and pushing myself deeper into a hole.
I think you're lucky that you have a psychologist to talk to - even though you don't like him. I wish I would have gotten the opportunity when I had no one else to turn to.
Just keep your head up - and don't go into the whole smoking and drinking thing. I've also been there, and it ruined my last year of high school because all of the teachers thought I was an alcoholic and they all threatened to call my parents (I went to school drunk a few times... more than a few).
And I agree with Fiona. Don't let someone hurt you just because you love them. It's not worth it. If they're hurting you, they may not be the right person to fall for. I know sometimes you can't help falling, but sometimes you can pick yourself back up by focusing on other things.
Hope things go better in the future. <3<3