untitled
Date: Nov 12th, 2012 7:56:44 pm - Subscribe


We wandered into the woods, wishing, dreaming, perhaps foolish in our expectations. The world had left us, had moved on toward things fast and harried, and hurried. But we, quiet in our journey, decided not to think of it any longer. "I'm tired," she said. "I'm tired of this not meaning something more than whether I'm a good this, or a good that." I looked into her eyes and knew, but said nothing.
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courage
Date: Mar 2nd, 2012 4:37:02 pm - Subscribe


maybe, we would find
lost in some field, in the
weeds that grow intertwined
holding us down ‘til we
see, the way
‘til we see, afraid
‘til we seek, to risk it all
to become more

maybe, you would know
how troubled the path would show
to make you throw, away
a glimpse of some day, to
see, the way
to see, afraid
‘til we seek, to risk it all
to become more

maybe, I would see
a dim and hazy scene unfolding
that everything to lose, desperate I hold
fades, dream-like, behind, as we
see, the way
see, afraid
‘til we seek, to risk it all
to become more
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Riding the Elephants
Date: Jan 29th, 2012 1:51:08 pm - Subscribe


My voice was gone. I opened my mouth, but my eyes, my nose, my mouth, all were full of dust. My body flailed as we stampeded forward. I could hardly see or breathe. The stomping. The running. It all was taking its toll. I felt like my bones were coming loose. My mind raced, trying to distract me from the loss of control. I tried to focus on one thing, on something, anything, perhaps the horizon. I coughed again, my body rebelling against the air, the dirt, the sweat. I opened my mouth to try again, but nothing in me could rise above the sound of this chaos. I turned to see if others were next to me, but again the shaking, pounding world kept me from focusing on anything. Maybe there were others. Maybe we were all knowing, feeling, tumbling toward something together.
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The Waiting Room
Date: Jan 29th, 2012 1:48:06 pm - Subscribe
Mood: off


The only sound was the quiet murmur of 6 people in a room. A few looked at the door. Others looked at the floor for a time, then glanced at the door, then back to the floor. Across from me was an older man with a cowboy hat and cowboy boots. He was leaning back on his chair with his eyes closed. I felt some kind of sense of anticipation. I looked at the door, then the floor. I tried to remember what I was waiting for, but before I had thought for very long about that, the door swung open. A nurse with a clipboard stood in the doorway and announced, "Mrs. Pettiford? Is there a Mrs. Pettiford here?" A woman a few seats down from me stood up, looked back at her seat for a moment, then walked toward the door. The two disappeared behind the closed again door.

Back to the murmur. Breathing. An occasional cough. I turned and looked at the door. I looked back at the old cowboy. His eyes were shut again. I searched through my memories for something to help make sense of this. For a moment, I thought I heard a quiet beeping sound beyond the door. Perhaps a machine of some sort? I felt the time inch by. My mind started to drift, but was pulled back as the door opened again. "Sam Millington? We're ready for Sam Millington." A man across the room stood up, adjusted his pants, and followed the woman into the unknown.
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The End
Date: May 20th, 2011 6:49:21 pm - Subscribe


There's a man on the radio who believes that the world will end tomorrow at 5pm. From what I understand, he did some Bible math, adding up some generations, and that's how he came up with tomorrow. I was talking with the guy I share my office with about it. He's of religion 'F'. It isn't mainline Christianity, but it's closer to that than it is to the other world religions. He said the radio man was wrong, and started quoting a few verses. I feel like in moments like these, his reflexes kick in as he realizes that it is a 'teachable moment'. I came back with a few comments about how every generation since Jesus died have, to some extent, thought they were the last generation. The thought came into my mind that I also thought it was a preacher trick to keep people in the pews. Kept that one to myself. He came back with a few comments about this or that sign and that he knew, er, believed, oh wait, knew, that this was coming soon. I was caught off guard by the use of 'believe'. He usually is very firm and confident about these things. He's well trained. He's spent time on mission trips doing his service to God. It poked something in me. I made a note of it to look at later, and we both got back to work.

I know what it is. It isn't anger at his cool confidence. The cool confidence just brings me back to nights of struggling to understand, no, to know what was true. I gave up at some point. It wasn't just a pursuit of truth. I wasn't that pure. But that was the core of what I was struggling with. There was some pride of just wanting to tell everyone I'd been the right one, and they were all wrong. Maybe every believer wants to get to heaven and have their beliefs finally confirmed.

I don't know. Every religion has devout people like my office-mate. Confident. Well-versed in their arguments. It all makes sense to them. But still finite. We're a bunch of finite wiggles chasing an infinite God.

He's a good guy, the guy I office with. I hope he makes it to his Religion 'F' heaven. I have a feeling that a lot of people, assuming we really don't just fizzle out, will be kind of pissed in heaven. "No, God, this is NOT right, this is set up all wrong! Don't you remember what you said in your Bible?"

Crazy stuff. Once again, I can state that I think heaven will be not that different from here - a bunch of finite beings stumbling around, with some trying to move closer to the infinite God that birthed us all, and others, not so much. I'm not sure what to do with hell. I'm glad I'm not the one to decide who goes there. Maybe hell is where lies are no different from what actually is. I still would like to believe that in the end, we choose hell, refusing heaven. It's a death we want to drink deeply, not realizing we're becoming addicted to suffering.
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