food not bombs / philly's pissed / microcosm / instructables / patty o'lantern

wouldn't it be nice

08/06/09 8:59am - Subscribe

mood: nervous
music: beach boys

dragged through the mud and then some.

i could barely survive boys as ways of passing the time. i should have known i would never survive really falling in love.
but oh boy, did i ever fall in love.

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give it back

27/04/09 1:59pm - Subscribe

mood: glowing
music: defiance, ohio

i spent 3 nights in the short-stay unit at the mental hospital where i live. this is the diary i kept while i was there. i'm pretty embarrassed about it. short-stay means 3-5 nights just to be safe or be kept under control for a little while. i was under close observation most of the time. i was admitted myself voluntarily. weird combination. i can't have a real coffee mug, but i can sign my own release papers and slit my wrist in the parking if i want to.
i'm feeling a lot better now, and i'm glad that i went. i'm following through with my psychologist from before and am going to be accepted into a trauma program. tragic breakup, still no word on that yet. i'm getting through, though. i really am. i am strong and beautiful and full of grace. and i really believe that this time around.

letters from room one-oh-one

i only have a couple days before i am kicked out of the home that puppy and i built together. i imagine that it is still pretty early in the morning and that he isn't even awake yet... but i hope with every part of me that he will come to visit. and i hope that he will see how silly it is for us to go on hurting alone. we love each other and should be there for each other. maybe he will see the magnitude and weight of my love for him. never before have i loved like this. he is the one. the closest to my heart and soul. he makes me happy.

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this is a strange process to be put through... i believe that they care very little about my actual well being and are more concerned with preserving the life status of "middle class white girl." if i killed myself they'd chalk it up to bad chemicals and heartache and while the heartache is very real, it's not as simple as that. this is a life time of damage rearing it's ugly head. how is it that with food and shelter that i can deem life to be impossible?

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everyone wakes up so early here. "aren't you going to eat breakfast? everybody else has eaten theirs."
i thought for sure it must be going for 11:30am. nope, 8:30. my tea tasted like dishwater and my eggs like the sponge at the bottom. there was some type of rolled oats and i'm entirely convinced that it was mucus. a man sitting next to me seemed disgusted because he had not received the same plastic container of phlegm. he seemed consoled when i offered him the fired mystery meat glaring at me and sitting in its own juices on the plate.
there is one woman who seems very interested in the patient phone and keeps answering. she seems to belong in the upstairs part of the hospital rather than in short-stay...
another woman kept asking if the lpn was a cop. he said no, he just had a short haircut.

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it makes me angry that my life is deemed to be more important than others. when soldiers kill someone from another country it's a number but when i want to take my own life, they will set me up in a room and feed me and have doctors wait on me and check in every 15 minutes (which they definitely haven't been).

i haven't even been assessed by what they keep proudly referring to as "the team." i keep having ideas of a news anchor team and envision lynn burry, fred hutton and tony-marie wiseman coming in my room and asking me to describe how i'm feeling.

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i'm going to try to read walden while i'm here and talk to people only as often as i need to.

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i still love you, julia.
in a sense, i have not betrayed you. it's us against the world, my darling.

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eggs for 3 meals... brilliant. two code whites today. one was very disturbing. i hid in my room while the woman with no teeth kicked and screamed and called the lpn's every profanity in the book. people say that most of those words have lost their weight - but they're still just as scary sometimes. the first woman who freaked out is still here and is upset again. someone cried all night last night, but i'm not sure who. big, long cries. like a whale.

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while i was napping, a thick stack of material on coping with stress and panic was left on my bedside table. i guess it's homework.

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i had blood work done. didn't faint this time.

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egg again. no bath towels here. only hand towels. anxious and excited for patrick's visit.

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the woman (with teeth) named kim (i think) asked my name and how old i am. informed me that i am by far the youngest patient. no duh, lady.

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talked to him on the phone last night. laughed and felt good for a minute. deluding myself, pretending we're still together. seems to sort of work. ignorance and blind hope; beautiful things.

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last night i had to put dressing on a salad for some lady covered in temporary tattoos. "i'm some hungry" i think she was saying.

the girl who always answers the phone is named christine. doing things for her all the time. poor girl couldn't go home yesterday.
kim is allowed her smokes now, hopefully no fits today.

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man came in last night with his million year old mother. he was asked if he wanted some food. the lpn asked his mother if she wanted a cup of tea. "no, but i'll have a glass of milk and a sandwich."

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kim is funny. when referring to her fit calling for a code white kept saying "ohhhh don't mind that."
tall blond alcoholic lady seems rich. nice though.
little blond lady has a kid, heard her on the phone. never comes out of her room. seems nice. she lost her lighter. not good in this kind of place.

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anxious to see "the team" and get it over with. ask about being discharged saturday afternoon. ask about prescription for ativan or xanax.

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want to phone him. taking everything i have not to. might nap. getting anxious. very anxious. miss him and want him to take me home. live together again. build compost bin together. love him so much. it could be so good. i just need the chance. would like to do therapy with him. gonna see jeff again... need to figure out work situation... need to not live at home... need independence and autonomy. need to organize my kitchen the way i like it. need him there with me playing songs on ukulele when i'm feeling sad.

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i never want to see an egg again.

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saving my chocolate bar to share with patrick. he'll be happy that i'm eating. be proud. i'll show him that i can do this. that we can do this, together. trying to be strong for him. in the waterford, for fuck sakes. just want him back.

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they don't check on you every 15 minutes. that's horse shit.

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i'll have some music when patrick comes. not much... but king of the hill too on his black mp3 player. if they don't let me have it because of the cord i'll lose it. i've got a string in my hoodie, just as bad, right?

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my tummy hurts. eating again is hard. would have been easier to just not.

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someone is yelling - i think the new girl who had salad.

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maybe i won't eat for a while... i just don't want to have to shit here. the toilet is always full of feces and piss.

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don't know about "the team." too many students everywhere. makes me uneasy. you never see a doctor here. nurses, nurses, nurses. seem mostly trained to control unruly patients as opposed to understand them.

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getting too nervous. going to try to sleep for a little bit maybe. wish i could go to sleep and wake up in bed at alexander street with puppy next to me. spend the whole day taking care of him and his poor little heart that i hurt. i love that little guy. he has the sweetest little half smile. his eyes are so big and bright. he's perfect. singing along and planning the revolution together. he's all i want. he tells me about the clash and stuff i don't understand about recording that is still way over my head and i tell him better ways to sew patches and about different spices. good night little sweetie pie, sleep well in the night times. life sucks without you.

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my mom is going to get me into a program for trauma. michelle case. my mom is hearing lots of good things about it. going to get a referral now. saw doctor this morning. hardly any questions. looks like i'll be discharged tomorrow if my good behavior keeps up. reallying excited about snuggling matilda. snuggling patrick maybe. must call jeff right away when i get out. appointments again.
wonder if the government will pay for me to live while i'm getting better. ask jeff about that one. excited to get better. good things will follow suit, i can tell. patrick will need to come back. that's what being in love means. you have to come back.

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christine might go home today. i'm really happy for her. she watches cartoons all day. i wish that my room weren't so cold. it's unbearable, but christine is always watching cartoons in the tv room and talking and it's too distracting so i can't read.

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i wish patrick were here now. i have so many things to tell him. i hope he wears his green shirt and pink pants. he could wear anything, though. he is so handsome it's unbearable. we're going through hard times but it's going to get so much better... it won't be perfect or easy or anything but we'll have each other and that's what really counts... what is really important. i'll give chris a big hug when i see him and get up and sing the lalalas with the satans (with patrick) and he will remember that he loves me and that we're meant to be despite all the hurt we've caused each other. we can both heal. i still love you, julia.

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he didn't come. i am so filled with rage right now. fuming. fucking fuming. backed out. last minute. fuck fuck fuck. probably going to hang out with her instead while i'm in a bed in the goddamn fucking waterford mental hospital. he doesn't care about making this better. he doesn't. i don't need this shit. and called be back to fucking goddamn fight with me on the phone.

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forgetting about him. lost cause. he must not feel anything for me. helping theresa (woman with no teeth) and christine write letters. this place is fucked. kim is bipolar, she told me. theresa gave herself two black eyes. she freaks out and punches herself in the face. pretty much the only time i cry here is because it's so scary. i can't wait to get out.

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so much waste here. i feel terrible. i can never use anything disposable ever again to try to make up for how much garbage there is here. fuck.

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going home. gave theresa a hug. they weighed me, only 120lbs. now. after eating a bunch of french fries and not shitting in forever. i didn't realize how bad it was.
so committed to getting better now. had a real turn-around. not focusing on him. focusing on me. who is "him" anyway" fuck that shit. i need to take care of bee. start today. there's always a tomorrow. at least until the apocalypse.

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trouble in river city

11/06/08 9:29am - Subscribe

mood: domestic
music: defiance, ohio - share what ya got

i have been terrible for writing, which is really a pity because there are loads of things that deserved documentation. i've been neglecting my paper journal is well, which is good for quick notes and remembering things i would like to 'blog' about later. blogging is good for the inclusion of photographs, which i'll unabashedly provide.
here we go...

career suicide was amazing. the turnout wasn't what it should be and all of my friendships didn't mend like i had hoped, but it was still amazing. during one of the first songs phillips accidentally elbowed me right in my eye socket. luckily i came out without a black eye and my nose wasn't broken, but it still hurts when i sneeze.
to honor john power's wishes, when i was leaving i gave dave brown a big kiss on the cheek. it was the most nerve wrecking thing ever, solely because he is so handsome. alright, alright... i'm boytarded.

i got a little more introverted for a while. everything was a little too fast for me, i guess. i tried to be productive and cleaned my room and sent letters and packages, worked and went to fort amherst one day with phillips when the sun showed it's face.

now jess is leaving way too soon and there has been way too much drama, so i've started to blow all of my money on cover again. dance parties to the gramercy riffs, mercy the sexton, mark bragg, texas chainsaw, the kremlin, and (shame shame shame) even the idlers. stephen dunn also left, so i went to his party and we went downtown and danced and then when everybody found their way home, stephen and i found our way to the cotton club. i made friends with a stripper named 'paris' who was from cbs, chamberlains more specifically. we talked about them building new subdivisions in cbs. she offered me a free lap dance if stephen paid $20 to watch. we didn't have any money at all, but when she left she gave me a raspberry in my cleavage. it was unreal.

after one particularly dramatic and dance-filled night, jess and i somehow almost got in a fight, and found jaclyn, jen king and matthew dawe and went to luke major's house for a party. i ended up there until about 5:30am because i never want to go home. daniel banoub walked me as far as his house. a bunch of cop cars drove by and we were wondering what's going on. the story surfaced later that a man killed this woman, amanda power, and put her torso in a suitcase. as far as i know, he is being charged with second degree murder and indignity to a dead body and they are still looking for her extremities.

luckily, to keep me warm at night and to keep me coming home... i have my little baby kitten matilda back.


this is us playing with a hair ribbon in my bedroom. she is very skinny and very skiddish. she still feels awkward in the main part of the house (she lives in my bedroom) and is weary of my brother and mom. she hates my father. when jess and steve (aylward) came to visit the other day she was very affectionate, so that's a good sign.

other than all this, i have done some nice things. jonny and i went to a benefit lunch for building schools. $10 got us two different kinds of curry, basmati rice, dahl, two kinds of bread, sweet and sour chutney, chai tea, and desert. afterwards i walked downtown and then eventually home. stopping along the way so that steve and jess could get french fries and then so we could all get ice cream.
i started my new bank account, so money will be less confusing now.

last night i went to meet jess and erika at the ship to see old man luedecke. they came late and couldn't get in but i managed to get in. even though i feel like his whole personality is contrived, it was really good. i am really scared to walk home, but luckily phillips and neil were out and walked me as far as their house.

xxx,
bee

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best friends with that girl

19/05/08 9:17pm - Subscribe

mood: loyal
music: dd/mm/yyyy

this weekend was pretty good. i thought i would have earlier nights. they were certainly less wild, but no earlier.
thursday, i think i fell in love all over again. maybe. it's a secret though, very hush hush.

friday i slept late and hung out in my pajamas and then went to the dd/mm/yyyy and video hippos all ages. it was really great to see judge dread again. i should brush up my lyrics so that i can sing along for more than just the part that any chump could manage. during crusades, robert broke two mic stands. there were a bunch of kids there that don't normally go to shows/these kind of shows/don't know robert and seemed pretty scared of him. they created one of, if not the largest horse shoe i have ever seen.
the blue leader opened for video hippos. 'we dream of infinite rooms. we are the first person shooters.' video hippos were really great. as if i hadn't been won over already, they had a whole video made based on 'they live' starring rowdy roddy piper.
dd/mm/yyyy had a smart idea and set up in the corner for a more intimate experience. they played a really great set. everyone seemed pretty impressed.

matt, the one i have a huge crush on, fell on my feet and i pretty much melted. handsome boys kill me.
i went to the rose and thistle afterwards for four of a kind, cock sparrer tribute and midnight heat!!!
i was too tired from a late night thursday and a long day of watching bands. i half napped for a while on a bench and watched everyone's coats and bags and only stood up for midnight heat. i liked seeing them play again, but i guess i had really bad anxiety or something. maybe it was just the bar girls dancing up front and trying to get me to dance with them. sometimes i need my space at shows, and everywhere. sometimes i want to just stand at a comfortable distance from someone and not talk to them. sometimes i really like not talking.
phillips and i walked home together, which was nice considering how sketchy my walks home have been lately.

i had work saturday but it wasn't very busy at all. i made a bunch of pita chips for dd/mm/yyyy because i figured they might be hungry. i drew a keyboard on the bag and brought them greek feta and tangy thai sauce to dip them in. they thanked me profusely and i got to hang out with them. i know that sounds lame, but i really like making new friends in other places, even though i end up spending a fortune on postage to keep in touch. i think i like some distance. maybe i'm not as good close up. i don't know.
it was a great show. i kind of feel like i never want to set foot in a bar again, but the ship full of under agers is not as bad. i stuck around until pretty late with the boys. i am usually not ready to go home when everyone else is. party animal. not really. i just wanted someone to tuck me in.

yesterday i worked an excruciating eight hours and tomorrow i work nine and will probably die.
at least i really like my coworkers. tonight kaitlyn and i sat down for an hour and talked about sex. i don't really have any girlfriends that i can talk about sex with like that so it was definitely appreciated. somehow, even though we sat down for so long, and even though it was really busy earlier, we got all the work done by the time i got off.

i have been listening to daniel johnston in my bedroom late at night and also in the day when nobody is home. i sit on my bed and i want to cry so bad but i must have forgotten how.

i embarrassed myself very badly thursday night as well and wanted to cry but couldn't muster it up.

i don't know what the hell i'm doing. trying to avoid being lonely.

handsome boys kill me. they always have great eyelashes and charming smiles and sweaters that you know would be good to cuddle into. they smell like outdoors and scraping your knee and pushing back tears. their hands are rougher than yours and make you feel safe when you put them together. they let you ride shotgun if they drive, or double you up on their bikes. when you show them your bedroom all they wanna do is go through your record collection. they try to not show when they're impressed. they die if you're bold enough to wink.

i just want to be best friends and make out.

xxx,
bee

p.s.



this photo surfaced from 'threaded' at the anna templeton centre.
a. while this photo was being taken, some dickhole was stealing my purse
b. are you ever afraid that maybe you're mentally retarded and nobody has the guts to tell you? photos like this evoke this fear

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go put yr records on

14/05/08 1:54pm - Subscribe

mood: gross

i think i might have seen the end of my wild times and late nights.

i have been staying pretty low key lately. i havne't had my cell phone which allows me to be a little more elusive. however, sunday night thea got a room at the battery for her going away party. somehow, as the only sober person at the party, i am the one instigating everything. some of the more memorable include erika and i working out, 'shoes in the house' which involved everyone switching shoes but was somehow totally chaotic and wrestling with erika and burke. long before the night was over i had burke's hoodie on and then took off my pants. we broke the pull-out couch bed and tried to hide it.

in the morning we tried to clean up the bottles and when we went outside we found the most hilarious sign.

jess, erika and i dropped burke's keys off at his house and got ziggy's and then i went to work. i have never felt so haggard in my life. i caught a brutal cold. for some reason i thought that i had tuesday off when really i had wednesday (today) off. i woke up a half an hour before i was supposed to work with the worst headache of my life. i mean, i could've gotten a cab and just looked haggard as fuck but i was way too sick. i had to call in, which i felt really shitty about. they are totally understaffed there right now since kayla left and kaitlyn, one of the other part time girls is still in high school so she wouldn't have been able to take my day shift. i feel like an asshole. they even gave me friday off this week. they're really nice too...
i'll make it up to them and not use the internet at work anymore and always pay for my food from now on.

i slept all day.
today i'm feeling a bit better but then went out in the pouring rain so will probably feel shitty again soon. threaded is tonight, and i think it should be nice. and the dd/mm/yyyy shows are this weekend as well as midnight heat and he cock sparrer cover band friday at the rose and thistle.

i got paid friday and now i only have a little over $130 left...
one might wonder what a straight edge girl spends all that money on...
- debts to my mother
- birthday present for my little brother
- mother's day presents (i went a bit overboard this year)
- food from work (they are cracking down on free food and half off still adds up after a while...)
- admission to bar shows i don't even necessarily want to go to
- chocolate (chocolate bars and today a $6 piece of cake)
- coffee (banana hot chocolates from coffee&company, soy capps from hava java, regular coffee from everywhere else)
- french fries (celtic hearth and ziggy's)
- tipping (after working in three restaurants, i always tip)
- merch (new at both ends shark attack shirt and demo)
- records (i have such a problem that i couldn't even remember what records i had on hold at fred's)

tonight is threaded at the anna templeton centre which i'm pretty excited about. it should be nice. this weekend should be good too, the dd/mm/yyyy shows as well as midnight heat at the rose and thistle.

going out in the rain was definitely a bad idea.

xxx,
bee

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