It has almost been two years since I have written in here. Amazing how much has changed. I doubt there is hardly anyone left that remembers me.
In the past two years I have found freedom (if that exists) from my eating disorder. Am a lot more happy and content with life. I also moved out of my house (twice), first to go a treatment type center and secondly to move out for good into an apartment. I have gotten back into church. Been dumped by two boyfriends. Made a bunch of amazing friends and then lost them all.
I suppose that is why I am writing in here now. I am so incredibly lonely. My heart longs for human interaction. I want to be accepted and liked and loved for who I am. I want people to leave comments on my facebook and e-mail me! I want people to call me. I want to matter. I want... to be noticed.
Right now I am fighting not to run back to what was my coping mechanism for six years. I know why I want to do it but that doesn't help. I want to do it because I am stressed about finals next week, I am lonely, I am depressed, and I am angry but I don't know what to do about it except run and eat everything I can and then vomit into the toilet for an hour. I am feeling out of control. I am feeling rejected. I am feeling like the life I have serves no purpose at all. I could easily be replaced.
I have not had these feelings for over a year, and yet here they all come- rushing back in. Will I ever truly be over this? Am I just going to use my whole life fighting with food and my emotions? I want to a be a photographer but so what- there are thousands of amazing photographers.
Maybe I am just having a depressed week.
Friends get to read special thoughts
They get to understand the person more than anyone else
They get an insiders view
Don'tchya wanna be my friend.
If you understand this you can read my posts.
hello erry 1 did u miss me lol jk y'all prolly didn't notice but i havn't writen ne thing since september ... ne way
ok theres these dudes that i'm friends w/ and like ... a lot! one is named Larry but i'm not sure if i realy loke him or not. one is named Chris and i
kno i like him...lots... but he has a g/f and stuff... so...yea... ne way the other one is named Mike and i sossosososooo like him an all but i'm not sure if he likes me or if he's just being realy realy flirty. but i dont kno what to do ... and theres more to the story but i'm not gunna get all detailed an what not...
in short ...
*kisses* and have a nice day
omg to day larry played footzeez w/ me and then tried to hold my foot captive!! YAY!!! after skool he kiked me in the butt so i sed " fine i wont give u u'r note!" and he like paniked and sed "WHAT?!!! what note !!?? tell me or i'll kik u again!"
and i was like "G that'll make me give it to u wont it?!" (lol)
and he was like "PLLEEAAASSSEEE!!!!??!!!!"
so i sed in a sigh "fine cry baby! here u can have it. "then i gave it to him and he like jumped in the air and did like a 360 thingy and i was like "a lil excited r we?!" and he sed "just a lil"
well i g2g
OMG!! i was writin a note to B and larrysaw me so he gasped realy loud and sed "r u finally writing me a note?!" am i was like "no, this is 4 B " and he was all like oh i see how u r!" " so i wrote :
then showed him and he rolled his eyes and sed "no i want it long and heart felt!" so i wrote him a 2 pg nnote and he wrote back!!! (yay!!!)
then the that night i was woke up by my puppy (wich we named CODY) and then couldn't go bak to sleep so i wrote him another note and gave it 2 him in 2nd hr 2-day.
and he wrote bak again!!
ne who i g2g l-8-er
oh and that denis dude is more like 16-17 then 14-15 ops!
WE WON!! WE WON!! 46 to 28 YAY!!!
i didn't even watch the game i was all into my lil group of friends that consisted of like 30 ppl! lol lil hu?
oo i gots reall good news 3 of my friends like me!! and i waould date all of them ( not at once) but i only really like 2 of them ....
but they like me back so....YAY!!!
one is like 15-16 and named LARRY!
one is 15-16 and named JUSTIN!
and one is 14-15 and named DENIS!
and i've liked LARRY since 7th grade!
justin was my friend in 7th grade too but he left and just came bak this yr and i've just started to realize how dateable he really is...
....but.... my friend Deana likes him too. and i have really issues bout 'man stealing' what nots!!!
and my rents r sososososos SOOOO racist that it's embarising
and Larrys black! *sniffles*
but i don't care what my rents think and he does...well i think he does cuz he was aktin like he did...
stupid girlly emotions!
any advice? plz help!
my briend B 'S crush jason finally likes her yay!! the excite ment!
i'm srry but 2- day wassn't all that fasinating
i've descovered that i have sirious prblemms and that my life sux and thats about it (yay) not!
Good Day to ya'll lol i've never said that b-4
any who to day was a normal day except 4 the fact that my insides feel like someone is driving a cork srew into them! lol (most girls will understand what i mean)
well this morning in the food place at my skool my Good friend Justin introduced my friend B and me to his SEXY HOT cuzin and MY GOD i now kno exactly y the goth look came to be! lol
well any who that was the high light of my day lol
i'll try to fasinate u all 2-marow kk l-8-er
howdy ya'll sup? lol
well lets see my messed up dream... (flash back moment)
i woke up one day and it wasn't my bed it was like a 4 post bed fm the 'Harry Potter' movies/books it was awesome!!
it turns out that my dad had won 'who wants to be a mill...' like 3 days after my mum had won 'the megga million' lotterie wut not
i was like YEA BABY!!!
wel my dream was like 4 1/2 yrs in the future! it was crazzy!
i had a brand new minight purple camairo
( srry i can'y spell! ) and like all my close friend were in the same colledge as me and we were all in like all of each others classes! it was kik ass!!! an my friend B was ingaged to her curent crush 'jason'
my other friend roz had finally met mr. right in her long time internet friend steven.
and some how the dude i've liked since 7th grd liked me to and 4 like the same amount of time! i was sososo siked! then my obseseve X had to go all stalker and turn my dream into a nightmare! he got overly jelious and tried to kill my friends and me!
talk bout crazzy then he said somthin like
"i'm srry Vanessa (me) i let things get out of control" iwas like "no really? i hadent noticed!" which was stupid of me becuz he shot at B but lukally missed and out of the blue he un tied me turned me around walked away and shoot him self in the head!
my alarm went off
now an'it that a crazzy dream?
hi all who read this! isn't my life fasinating?!lol i am such a man hopper! i like a diff dude each week! but i still like the one fm the wk b-4! i think i need tharapy! lol
......SH*T!! i 4-got what i was gunna write!
i have the memory of a crak baby! lol jk
ok today at school my friend B told me the bestes news!! u see this dude i've liked since 6th grade ( thats 4 yrs!) well he likes me to!!1 YAY!!!!! and well... last wkend or so.. i was talkin 2 him on line and he was all shy and he's not shy ....AT ALL!
and it was weird! then he asked if i was single and i answered then he got of line!!! and he's not the kinda dude who'd leave ya hangin ya kno what i mean?! well to day my friend B walked up to me and said she was chattin w/ him and she finaly just asked if he liked me and he said "yea."and then she typed "i mean like like .....the g/f b/f kinda like!" and he said "....ummmmm....
so she's al like umm! i'm tellin lol and i am sososos excited!! b-cuz he's suposted 2 cum down to the (hell i can't spell it!!) the lunch room (so there! take that!!! lol)
well that way i can yell at him 4loggin off in mid con vo!! and then ask lots of questions!!!lol
my friend (lets just call her B!) B is finally gunna get a b/f and i'm like sooo happy yet at the same time totaly scared!!! well 4 1 thing i've gotta pass notes bak ~n~ forth so i have to make the contact ! y me?!!!??!
4 2 i'm afraid i mifgt start to like him and get in the way of her 1st b/f! i mean he's totally morbid and (4 lack of better words)KIK ASS AWESOME!!! i mean it's so kool that she finally found some 1 4 her but what if my fellings grow??!!
what to do??!!!
what to to do!!??
hey all u boreded ppls guess what i am too so feel not alone lol
any who i'm at my friend bree's house and i decided to get a blog any who feel free to right commments on my "fasinatin" blogs!
|I am extremly hyper! I found out that H.I.M, Finch, and Skindred(dont really care about) is gonna be here on my birthday!! YAY! but I have no one to take me. I mean hello, wake up and smell the coffe it is H.I.M for god sakes. Who doesnt want to go and see 'em. And if someone wouldn't want to see them, well then they sould be hurt till they like H.I.M. I frickin' love there song "Wicked Game" and "Sweet Six Six Six"!|
Like hardley ANYONE commets on my stuff. Like only SHE and bitterXded and some dude by the name of sky_line commets. it gets tireding after only like certin ppl commet. so I would REALLY appreciate oif more ppl would commet!
So Long and Good Night...
Last night we were gonna go to the Motely Crue concert. My aunt went to go and get the tickets and ther were no more. The ngiht brfore there was some but not yesterday when we went to go and get them at like 1:30. So I got to keep all my momney I guess. But i am MAD and REALLY PISSED OFF about not going to the concert. I hvae been wanting to go for the past TWO monthes. Instead went to the mall (me, my cuzin and my step dad). We had funn. I got the old My Chemical Romance cd, I brought uou my bullets, you brought me your love and the H.I.M cd- Razzorblade Romance. so we ened up chillin' at her house but it was fun. WE were throwing crayons at each other.
But we are goin to the renasaunce(?) festival this sunday. and I will beg my mommy to let me get henna. I dont know why shre wont let me. It not like permanent or anything.
OMG today is my world recored for getting up in the morning during summer. I got up at 8:30! Normally I dont get up untill like about...um.....10:30 or so. But I'm also at my cuzins and in the mornming the light can actually get into her room unlike mine. My room is like a cave. All my windows have pillows and blankets in 'em so it is pitch black untill my mom comes into my room and open 'em up and turns on my light. God I hate the light expesially in the morning cuz I am not a heavy sleeper so they slightest bit of light can wake my up.
|Hehehe...you like The 69 Eyes too, eh? What is you favorite song by them? I LOVE "Lost Boys" I know they have a video for it but I can never watch it on my computer cuz my computer is sooo retarted when it comes to watching videos..|
I just got done waiting for my cuzin to get done what she was doin on the computer so I could have my turn. (After typing that part over and over for it to make sence) Today was EXTREMLY boaring untill I got here at her house, cuz we had to go to an *After Baptisim Party* if thats what that is called. There were a lot people I didn't know. They got there, ate, than took off. Wow how nice!
We finally got to hear music from the Murderdolls, and guess what? THEY FRICKIN' ROCK!!! Especially "Die My Bride" That has to be the bestest song from them. We also got to hear music from The 69 Eyes ans they also ROCK!! Especially "Lost Boys". (I am having severe typing problems. So Bree is spelling them out load for my like she is talking to a lil' kid. Normally I don't have this bad of a problem spelling. I betcha I have hit the backspace button about 50 already in the stuff in these parenthases(She typed that last word cuz I messed it up so bad!)) Anyways... Music...H.I.M has this new song out and it ROX!! It is called "Wings of a Butterfly" They have video for it if you wanna cheack it out. Also cheack out the video "Chain Me Free"-The Matches. Also "Gothic Girl"-The 69 Eyes is an awsome song.
My cuzin is petting my leg with her foot.. HELP!!! I'm scared! ::Runs into closet::
So Long and Good Night...
I'm gonna go and get some sleep so I can actually type. Good-Bye!!!