shrink no longer needed
Date: Aug 24th, 2008 1:43:49 am - Subscribe
Mood: triumphant
reading these, after finding an old journal, it's really weird. i feel like i've had a revelation. people [including my old self] take themselves way too seriously. if you fuck up your life, that's fine. millions of people do. you'll probably just come back as something or someone else, and if not? you have less than one hundred years left. fuck everything else; i'm having fun.
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in short. ha
Date: Aug 24th, 2008 1:22:11 am - Subscribe
Mood: manipulative
in short, everyone that i have ever liked has left for school. or is leaving within twelve hours. i think i'll miss ben the most. ben's my best friend and we're not even that close. he's just the one who means the most to me. last night he came over and just hung out with the family, ha, and let me shave his legs. i love boys who shave their legs. i think i must be pretty manipulative, as zach also let me shave his legs last year. also, sometimes people [the boys i hung out with at camp] call me master. camp was fun for me. i didn't meet one girl. i don't know how i feel about that. i met a pair of twins though, and they were the funniest kids i ever met. one of them, brett, my interest, actually tried to break dance in front of the entire camp. i think he actually thought he was good, but i was just laughing at him the entire time. so hard. i always laugh way too hard at things. like this one time, it had to have been my second week in rehab, and we had a psycho yoga instructor come in, and after yoga we were painting, so she says to us, "oh, i remember what it was like to be your age. everyone wants to sit so close to each other." and by this point, in rehab altogether, i mean, i'm really not saying much. i don't know the people, i'm acting pretty shy. but i just thought that this had to be the funniest thing i had ever heard. so i start literally dying of laughter, to the point where i'm actually crying. people though i was out of my mind. no one else even found it funny. all right, so back to people leaving for school. ha. so i can't even imagine what i'm going to do. really, i feel like i only talked to members of the class of twenty oh eight. that's why i'm leaving twenty ten and graduating in twenty oh nine. [it's much easier to type it out phonetically so i don't have to blindly search for the numbers in the dark.] i can't wait. i don't have any idea about what i'm going to do, though. i just watched office space, well part, and hypnotherapy is the only thing that interests me. if it's even a logical thing. also, brown is the only school that i can imagine myself attending. too bad i discovered drug-induced euphoria last year and screwed myself over.
anyways, back to camp. okay so this one night, the last night, [it was only three nights] i was with drew, this boy that i've been talking to for like. two months. but only on the phone, since he lives an hour away. so obviously i'm not that into it, but apparently he is. he's like, "oh my god, i'm so sorry we couldn't hang out sooner, blah blah." so then we're sitting together at the fire, he's all over me while brett [remember, my interest and the twin] sits across the fire and just watches. ha. so then we have to go to bed. we're all in our cabins and everyone else is sleeping. [footnote: all the coaches found me and drew making out under the pavilion. hahaha] and naturally, thanks to the fact that i must be nocturnal, i can't sleep for anything. i'm like, "HEY. I"LL GO GET BRETT." so i sneak out of the cabin and make a stop at the bathrooms first. wouldn't you know it, a skunk runs not two feet in front of me. i just about pass out. so i go to the bathroom and leave through the back door. i'm walking away when wouldn't you know it. a skunk runs about ten feet in front of me. i threw up. metaphorically. so now i'm like, shit. guess i'm walking around the entire pond. so i do. and it's about thirty degrees and three thirty in the morning. and finally i getting close to the boys' cabins and i hear animal cries and screams. like skunks are fighting. meanwhile, i'm scared to death that i'm about to encounter the camp maintenance worker, goose. the ninety year old, two hundred and fifty pound hunchback with missing teeth. but finally, shivering, i get up to his cabin, and wouldn't you know it. the door's locked. i'm like, this is unreal. so i so i walked home, on the way having, not one, but two more encounters with the god-forsaken skunks. what a nightmare. the next morning, while everyone's packing up, brett comes over to my cabin and i'm telling him all about my night and being attacked by one hundred and fifty skunks, and he says, "one hundred and fifty skunks and a boy named drew. god, rough night." hahha. so that went really well. somehow he took my time spent with drew to be completely out of my control. needless to say, my good luck cancelled out the nightmare from the night before.
then i came home, and zach was leaving the next day. how weird it's going to be without him. i can't even begin to imagine. i dont' even want to think about it, actually. but i got to spend his last night with him. god, i don't want to think about it. today, going through my computer, though, i found the funniest things. he had "painted" [as in computer paint] me these pictures, and the one, it's like him standing in the bottom left and me sitting on a cloud in the top right, with all these weird designs in between, and it says, "not even big, creepy stars or rips in the sky could stop me from getting to you." and a bunch of other cute, funny pictures. i miss him, already. at least he's nowhere near alaina.
so anyways, i'm a senior! can you stand it? yeah, me neither. but, unfortunately, as i got caught by my parents shit-faced, i'm grounded. hence the nine o'clock entry on saturday night. so sad. eh, i couldn't care less, i don't know what it's like to be ungrounded. fuck the free world. okay, this went from a cheery entry to a pissed off entry pretty quick. i guess i should stop. night.
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am i so lame
Date: Aug 16th, 2008 4:26:15 am - Subscribe
Mood: annoyed
am i so lame that my blog entries have succumbed to boy troubles? god, we're back to zach. so he im's me via facebook chat. because, naturally, my phone has been taken away. so he says to me: "why didn't you respond? why haven't you left me any messages?" now, normally, i would have taken this to be meant as an antagonizing question. however lately, i've come to find that i've given zachary a lot of undeserved credit. he's not as bright as i once thought. after all, the message that i hadn't responded to consisted of three letters and one mark of punctuation. "sex?" even worse than the message itself, he actually expected an affimation. [side note: recently i've also been hearing from several of my friends that he'll text them late at night and ask them to 'hang out.' keep in mind that he's been seeing alaina (crazy bitch) for nine months. six, if you subtract the three months we overlapped. ha] incidentally, i im him back, because i can't help myself. it wasn't always this way, and it's easier to remember the good than forget the bad. it goes on for a while, and bam. goal accomplished. i get pissed off enough as to where he can sense it through the computer screen. and just like that, it's over. it just doesn't make a lot of sense. actually it does, and there can only be one explanation. he is the biggest bastard known to mankind. it isn't that he doesn't care that it hurts me. it's that he knows how much i still care about him, so he goes out of his way to hurt me. we used to have reasons for this kind of behaviour. approximately a year ago, i would have accepted and even expected this. [explanation: while we were happily together, three of his five best friends set me up with a fourth best friend. obviously, the friendship (which had begun at age five) was temporarily destroyed, thanks, in large part, to me.] now, however, after long hours of research and thought, i can truthfully say there isn't a single statement that could justify this treatment.
in my wildest dreams, the only point i can anticipate him pressing is that he finds it necessary to degrade me in that [and i am 85% sure that this is true] i am the only instance in which he has been unfaithful. [in the least humane definition of faithful.]
seven days from now he leaves for school. putting him three hours away.
everything i've ever done, i've done because i love you. silly you should ask. i'm afraid that i'll spend the better part of next year scared that i might need you. bring me down and i'll feel again.
it's kind of funny how things work. one day, you aren't sure if you could ever be happier. you almost don't care that he's still practically married to another girl. he professes his love for you over and over again, and that's all that seems to matter. then, just like that, you can't help but hate him with every inch of yourself, because he's tossed you around like this before. and you fell for it again. and through all of it, you know, deep down, that if you could go back to how things were, you'd let yourself fall for it a hundred more times.
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i'm looking for a straight-line-smiley
Date: Aug 9th, 2008 5:31:38 am - Subscribe
Mood: insignificant
i'm new. i can honestly say this is my first ever blog. and continuing with this said honesty, i can admit that my motives for joining are similar, if not identical, to those of everyone else: i'm ready to complain. not to say i'm not a seasoned complainer already, just lately i could use a venting source.
that's where you come in, newest friend, aeonity. all right, i guess, seeing as you're my newest friend, i should introduce myself. [politeness and manners-priority numero uno] ready, go. i'm sixteen i live on a cruelty-free diet i live in a little town with seven thousand people i'm probably equally liked and hated, ha. it's tough summing yourself up into a paragraph, so i quit. i guess the entries should give you a pretty clear insight? tomorrow we discuss dilemma #1.
psyche. i'll do it now. all right, so the most pressing matter first. zach. the messiest situation i can imagine. so yeah, you could even use the word 'infatuation' to describe this relationship. [and by relationship, i do not mean we're together. think relationship in the sense where you have a relationship with your mother, shrink, neighbor, neighbor's pet cat. the word for the interaction, i'd say.] i might not even defend myself. i've been thrown into the role of 'the other woman.' fuck. when you spell it out like that, it's so much worse. i'm talking to him right now. at a time, it was a very sensual, generous relationship. one in which i was THE woman, not the OTHER woman. recently however, meaning the past week, our conversations have been reduced to the most demeaning of levels. [courtesy of zach, obviously.] recently a message was sent to my facebook account: "text my phone for a quick fuck. all code-like, just in case." he even had the audacity to include one of those retarded smileys. bastard.
infatuation and hatred. it's a tough battle.
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