AboutToday I am 19 and female. I'm one of those people who never gets bored. Trust me, it's not as good as it sounds.
Jun 18th, 2010 7:23 pm - Subscribe
I'm pretty good at leaving out details...
Jun 10th, 2010 10:17 am - Subscribe
But I'm happy. Last night I realized how much I miss hanging out with people!
My sister and I started watching Lost and it's pretty awesome, though time consuming.
I finally started to catch up on some art projects and I feel so much more relieved. We're leaving to Niagara tomorrow and I'm pretty excited.. can't wait to fall asleep beside Kevin again. <3
May 22nd, 2010 11:17 pm - Subscribe
I get art ideas on a regular basis, and they pile up in my sketchbook and on loose pieces of paper on my desk, but I can't finish all the other things I have to do... so I can't start any new projects.
I can't take it. I have way too many ideas now. It's not even about how great the idea is... I just want to do all my ideas.
I wish I had more time.
Or help or something.
May 20th, 2010 8:53 pm - Subscribe
I understand that they said they gave her three chances to confess about it at the cash register (not sure what they asked) and that she lied a few times.
Still, she has never done anything before, and here she was all shaky and scared with her grandson... they couldn't just spare this one soul? And all she was stealing was laundry soap.
May 11th, 2010 9:32 am - Subscribe
Gotta go get ready to see Kevin! ♥
May 2nd, 2010 9:22 pm - Subscribe
May 2nd, 2010 10:06 am - Subscribe
May 1st, 2010 8:14 pm - Subscribe
but i think...
i think i'm wasting away.
i've accomplished nothing today.
i hope the feeling doesn't stay.
May 1st, 2010 12:57 pm - Subscribe
i usually have plane crash dreams, or in dreams where i go to another country, my dream would skip the plane part! so this was weird.
i have a flower!
gotta stop being so lazy. even my writing is getting lazy.
Apr 29th, 2010 10:47 pm - Subscribe
i'm just going to try my best to be happy. because why not? i already know that if i act upon my crazy thoughts and feelings, i'm going to end up self-destructing. i just have to keep fighting them, all the time.
i like having somebody.
Apr 27th, 2010 10:07 pm - Subscribe
Apr 27th, 2010 9:54 pm - Subscribe
Apr 26th, 2010 11:00 pm - Subscribe
I like days like this because I spend less of my day worrying about my appearance, and more of my day being confidently productive!
I'm really tired though and need some rest.
Apr 22nd, 2010 6:23 pm - Subscribe
Apr 21st, 2010 11:45 pm - Subscribe
Apr 21st, 2010 12:33 am - Subscribe
i don't think i could be what i wanted to be. more and more i just think i'm not capable.
this is what i am. maybe i'll never accept myself. i guess that'll have to be okay.
Apr 20th, 2010 11:58 pm - Subscribe
Apr 18th, 2010 9:56 pm - Subscribe
I guess I forgot to mention that Kevin and I are back together. We're doing good, but I think we're too physical and don't communicate enough - but we're doing something about that.
During the last many months, I've become such a numb person. I kind of lost myself. I kind of got carried away with being a person I wasn't, instead of just completing things one at a time. I think I'm getting better now though. I'm not numb anymore... I can feel a million things again and it's overwhelming. I can listen to a song for the very first time and I can feel a thousand things, experience memories that I've never lived, and feel the strongest feelings. It's so overwhelming, but it's also amazing, and I know that there are plenty of people out there who live completely outside of their mind and they don't feel and experience these amazing things. At least I feel like I have something amazing. I'd definitely prefer having my mind over having a beautiful appearance.
I got asked to be a photographer for my friend's dad's media group and I'm excited but also nervous since I'm clueless. But I guess it wouldn't hurt to try.
I still can't decide what I want to be good at though. I know I want to learn photography... but I want to learn so many other things too. There's too many things that I like. It's so weird, how I changed from being an absolute nobody who did nothing with themselves, into somebody who every day feels like they want to accomplish something.
Today I drew out a little comic book for my friend for school. It was just a favour, and I didn't think it would take so long but it took pretty much my entire day. That's okay though, I'm glad I helped out.
OH! I also just realized.. that since I have so much in my agenda and so many plans, I actually usually end up doing NOTHING. How does that work? Well, I often make lists of the things I want to do.. and then I get set on doing it.. and then while I start, I remember other things I have to do soon - possible more important ones. Or, new ideas come into my head and I always get so anxious to do new ideas first before they die on me. Or I also get other people asking me to do things, like tomorrow I have to make a website for my dad!
Hopefully one day I won't be so complicated.
Apr 17th, 2010 10:44 pm - Subscribe
Apr 15th, 2010 12:00 am - Subscribe
but it's just me
Apr 12th, 2010 12:49 am - Subscribe
Apr 10th, 2010 11:31 pm - Subscribe
there's no air in here.
Apr 10th, 2010 11:16 pm - Subscribe
Apr 8th, 2010 11:24 pm - Subscribe
Apr 2nd, 2010 12:25 am - Subscribe
Mar 28th, 2010 11:25 pm - Subscribe
Why am I so jealous of you and other girls?
Because they smoke pot with you and I don't?
..but I don't even want to smoke pot.
FFS. What a fucking mess.
Mar 25th, 2010 9:43 am - Subscribe
The day before I heard that an older lady was trying to steal something and that she was also sick. Not sure the details on that one.
Also yesterday there was a kid who was about three, loudest most obnoxious kid ever. And he started yelling "fuck you fuck you!" to his parents. Everybody heard. The parents looked like they were bad parents too. Poor kid.
Mar 20th, 2010 2:03 pm - Subscribe
Mar 18th, 2010 11:41 am - Subscribe
I don't even know what to say.
Mar 16th, 2010 9:57 am - Subscribe
I'm posting it too.
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe
Mar 16th, 2010 1:47 am - Subscribe
Mar 14th, 2010 8:29 pm - Subscribe
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Mar 8th, 2010 11:30 am - Subscribe
Mar 5th, 2010 3:45 pm - Subscribe
I'm also an HTML genius.
The weather makes me so happy. Memories of being young. I keep remembering the things that were important to me when I was younger, nature for example. I forgot how I used to love nature, just exploring out in the sunlight alone or with my best friend, into forests and rivers and seeing strange animals. Hearing natural sounds instead of cars. I want to go to a huuuuge field this summer and just lay down and be free.
Mar 3rd, 2010 11:41 pm - Subscribe
I find that really selfish. I don't understand how somebody can't give up an hour for planet earth. Even if they can't participate in the given hour, they could do it any other hour. Anyways, I decided I'm through with people like this. I've got better friends, who are better people. Especially my best friend. I'm so lucky that my best friend wants to change the world because I do too. All the teens in this city are selfish and fucking stupid... I think I've decided that I'm down for moving out in a year or 2. The people here are starting to sicken me.
Mar 3rd, 2010 6:13 pm - Subscribe
Feb 28th, 2010 7:12 pm - Subscribe
Cool, this one's showing stretch mark removal ads! It must have loved my stretch mark entry!
Feb 27th, 2010 12:49 pm - Subscribe
Feb 26th, 2010 11:00 pm - Subscribe
Feb 24th, 2010 10:50 pm - Subscribe
On facebook there's always new groups about teenagers who died. It reminds me about how fragile life is and that any day could be my last day and I won't even know it. It helps me remember that in a life this short, there's no time for sadness or negative thoughts.
I really do think I've grown up a little the past few months. I care more about people, and I value everything more than ever before. It's almost as if I'm "more awake". It's strange though. I'm a lot better at caring for others, but I realized that the people around me seem to care less about me.
Take Bilal for example. After all the ups and downs in our friendship, we finally hung out again (with Douglas) and we chilled in my room for a little. He saw my flikflak watch sitting on my desk (I use it for work) and he asks if he can have it. Although I didn't like the watch a lot, it was a $40 watch, and I just really needed a watch for work, so I told him that. I mentioned that I work in 3 days and he said he'll give me one by then. I let him have the watch, and of course I never got a new one from him by the time I worked again. I caught him online on facebook chat soon after that and I reminded him about the watch. He didn't reply (he seems to ignore me a lot on facebook chat). So after that I decided to write on his wall so that I knew he would see it. The next time I caught him online I clicked on his profile and my wall post was deleted, which is something he does after he reads posts. He didn't reply or anything though.
This whole thing isn't about the value of the watch though, I could get a cheap watch somewhere else. It's about the fact that I reunited with a friend, and we said good things to each other and hoped to both be good friends again. Then he takes something from me, which I made clear that I need, and he ignores me when I ask him about it even though he himself said he'd get me a new one. To me that seems selfish. He's not considering my needs or my feelings at all.
I guess I'm rambling so much because I feel like I set myself up for this one. I completely forgot how selfish and careless he is. I don't think these are the kind of people I want to be friends with. I guess I'm just disappointed. I keep looking for good people to befriend and I just keep finding people who don't give a fuck about anyone or anything. What a great fucking generation.
Feb 22nd, 2010 10:23 pm - Subscribe
Feb 21st, 2010 8:47 pm - Subscribe
Feb 19th, 2010 10:55 pm - Subscribe
My memory still seems to suck. I keep realizing more and more that I've forgotten details to things. Details I used to remember a lot better. And that's just long term memory. My short term memory goes crazy sometimes, but maybe it's because I'm tired. For example at work today.. there were times where I felt like I was in a dream. It was pretty spectacular really, but I felt insecure after realizing I'm actually there. There were other times where time felt like it would skip. Those usually happen when I drift off into a really deep thought and then it often disappears, and I forget what I was doing and thinking.. and the thoughts that left would leave behind a gap in time. I'll admit that sometimes these weird things are enjoyable at work, except when I forget what I'm doing, what I said, which customer I'm serving, who to give the change to, etc.
I'm planning on starting a new public blog about my ideas, art, creativity and also spreading good things such as helping the people of the world, the environment, ourselves, etc. As much as I want to make this blog, I feel so discouraged because I've never learned how to make anything professionally - paintings, photographs, clothes, drawings - and I'm going to look like a huge amateur... but a part of me just says why not? Maybe the experience itself will bring me closer to learning the tools of art!
Feb 18th, 2010 9:55 pm - Subscribe
Later on, I listed my sigmas camera lens on craigslist in hopes of selling it! I actually purchased it off there for $120 but I never used it, so I'm trying to sell it for $80. Hope someone buys it. Also, I just cut one of my t-shirts that I never wear (I hate t-shirts) into a tank top! It's fits nice especially for comfy indoor activities or even as a pajama shirt.
Feb 17th, 2010 11:56 pm - Subscribe
It's a feeling that I'm not going to give in to, but fuck...
it sure is a powerful feeling.
Feb 17th, 2010 2:21 am - Subscribe
Later in the evening, Bilal beat me 3 or 4 times in chess! It didn't make me feel very angry because instead of planning to checkmate his king, I kept eating all his pieces.
I'm kind of annoyed because my college interview is after tomorrow, and the last time I had it the interviewer asked me what the most famous Canadian photographer is and I didn't know. He said he's on all the photography magazines if I remember correctly. I wanted to find out this information just in case I got asked this question again. I couldn't find it anywhere online! I also looked at the photography magazines at Chapters and none of the magazines were even Canadian. I looked in the photography books section and there wasn't anything there that I think would have suggested Canadian photographers.
It really annoys me when I can't find information I'm looking for. I guess I've just gotten used to finding answers to all my questions using Google. It makes me think about how much luckier I am than people who lived a decade ago. Or a century before that. Or cavemen. Then again, sometimes I wonder if maybe in the future things will be even better than now, and the people in the future will be like "Damn, we're so lucky to be born in the year 2090!" and look down upon the 21st century. As much as I like to think that thought, I like to take in consideration global warming, over population, extinction of species, limited resources, etc. Those things make me think about how maybe the future is doomed after all and that maybe we really are born in the luckiest years.
And how lucky am I not to be born in Africa or another third world country? How lucky am I to be born in a good place, in a good family, a good home.
It's crazy how great of a life I have, and how little gratitude I show for it. I'm going to try to change that. The starving children in Africa would be laughing if they knew about the little flaws and "problems" I obsess over in my life and how greatly I can let them bring me down. It's funny how I seem to know what's good for me, and know how stupid some things I do are... yet I still go back to my old ways.
Feb 16th, 2010 10:52 am - Subscribe
Last night was the first night in a while where I slept well and didn't wake up at all! Maybe it had to do with my mood, or all the ticking clocks in my room. Anyways, better start my day before it's gone forever!
Feb 13th, 2010 10:36 pm - Subscribe
I think humanity is sinking lower and lower, along with everything else in this world. We're in definite need of a superman right now - or perhaps a supergirl. I think I'll devote my life to making change to the world. I have a lot of dreams and there are a lot of things I personally want to achieve in my life... but none of those things I need. Change, though, is something the world really really needs. I don't want to be selfish, because I think the majority of North America already exceeds in selfishness. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to achieve anything big yet, but I know I'm going to start small.
Oh no! I just remembered that I was supposed to enter a photo into that photo contest online. Ugh. I'm good at putting things on lists but never actually doing them. Damn, the more I notice my habits and flaws, the more I realize why I'm so fucked up emotionally. I'm always trying to fix my life but my failures always bring me down. I guess I really haven't been giving my all after all. That's okay though..! I think I'm just getting too ahead of myself and thinking that I can make everything better in a day. I have time still.. why do I keep forgetting that? How come on days where I have little spare time, I think of plenty of things I would wish to accomplish in that day but can't.. and then on days where I have the day off, I stray off doing something not productive at all. In both situations, I feel bad at the end of the day.
I've put so much effort into being organized and it's still not enough. I've made countless lists either on paper, on my computer, or in my cell phone. I always forget about them. This list thing has almost become a part of me now. I write them almost on a daily basis some weeks. I can't think of a different solution to getting things done, so I think I have to find a way to make one giant list that I can access anywhere and edit too. I can't use my computer, it's a desktop. I can't use my cellphone because my parents still don't know about it. I'd hate to use paper because all my other lists get lost, messy, crumpled or ripped. If only I had some sort of hand held digital tool!
Anyways, tomorrow is Valentines day and it's going to be the first one where I'll be celebrating with a boyfriend. Well I wouldn't call it celebrating because I'm not really going to be celebrating anything. Even though we're going to be having Dinner somewhere, the best part is that Kevin's parents are on vacation for another week or so.
I hope it's a good one, I can't wait.
P.S. I hate making artwork that doesn't appeal to me. I realized how bothered I am by it. I just made an artwork that I don't really like and I feel like I can't destroy it because I would feel like I wasted my time making it. I'll probably end up fixing it tomorrow. I always do that! During the past few months I've been realizing how much I am of a perfectionist when it comes to my things. I'm trying to change that about me because I noticed on countless occasions where I spent time trying to make something "perfect" or "better" or "my own", even though it was completely fine to begin with.
I also noticed that I blog a lot about getting to know myself better. I guess I could label this a blog about self-discovery.
Feb 13th, 2010 9:33 am - Subscribe
Feb 12th, 2010 10:45 pm - Subscribe
I can be that romantic butterfly you're looking for.
Feb 11th, 2010 7:47 pm - Subscribe
I feel re-inspired. I want to help the environment, I want to help people in poverty, I want to help girls feel pretty, and I want to help all my friends feel happier. I also want to do much more than that! It's strange but I feel selfish and selfless at the same time.
Feb 6th, 2010 4:04 pm - Subscribe
In my dream Kevin broke up with me. Lamesies. We're always arguing anyways. If I'm not mad at him for something, then he's mad at me.
Feb 4th, 2010 10:02 pm - Subscribe
I don't have much to worry about...
..all the problems that would take over my mind, don't anymore. I think being with Kevin helped me block out negative thoughts. There's just absolutely no time for negativity in my life anymore. I've realized how many hours, days, weeks.. months even, I've spent sulking in my mind obsessing over my problems, flaws, regrets.
It's time to let go of that part of me, I really don't need to be that way. Self-improvement: success? Although I'm not stopping just here!
Feb 3rd, 2010 10:34 pm - Subscribe
Aside from laser quest, there are lots of activities I feel like trying either again or for the first time. I've never been so interested in what I do in my life before! I've always been interested the most in what goes on inside my mind. I would be happy spending my entire days thinking about things and not physically doing much at all. I'm kind of happy that I'm finally more like everybody else, but I'm kind of sad because now I'm starting to forget all the important things I used to think about, like death, the meaning of life, being human, feelings, dreams, etc. etc. I know I'm going to get tired of this lifestyle because it doesn't matter what people can or can't experience in life... there's something we all share no matter who we are, where we are or what our life history looks like. We all have minds and we're all capable of achieving amazing thoughts and realizations about what it is to live. I've come so far with my thoughts, and now I'm just putting them aside... and for what? I think I'm becoming somebody I'm not. :(
Feb 2nd, 2010 10:04 pm - Subscribe
Feb 2nd, 2010 11:38 am - Subscribe
Jan 30th, 2010 1:36 pm - Subscribe
I have everything! I'm alive, healthy enough to function, have a home, a family, a job, a boyfriend, a photo camera and ambition. I don't need anything else, really. There are people out there who don't have almost anything, not even their health. I don't know why I get caught up with buying things or trying to look pretty. It's a huge waste of time and I know that.
I need to focus less on my appearance and the materialistic things that I own, and focus more on who I am and who I want to be. I don't need iphones and expensive makeup and designer clothing. Those types of things only make me happy for a day or so... I realized lately that I'm the most happy when I'm doing my own stuff, my own hobbies, artsy stuff, reading books, adventuring...
I just remembered that list I made of things to accomplish for 09/10. I haven't looked at it in a while since I've been making new lists everywhere! I think it's time to combine all my lists and make a giant to-do list and do amazing things!
I'm excited. Anyways, I want to start by signing up for the Mississauga Marathon! I've wanted to run a marathon for a long time.
Jan 29th, 2010 10:15 pm - Subscribe
Fuck, just shut the fuck up.
Jan 29th, 2010 5:25 pm - Subscribe
Edit: I don't know Kyle well or anything, but after driving us around for 3 hours, he couldn't even drive me home just 6 minutes up the street from Allie's house. I'm not complaining, I'm just shocked really. My Dad was complaining to me about picking me up because I figured Kyle would have dropped me off, and I told him that. My Dad was even wondering why he couldn't drop me off because it was so close... he started going on about how Canadians have no courtesy and stuff. Maybe he's right... a lot of younger people are selfish, rude, and disrespectful in Canada.
Anyways, this also reminded me of how a few days ago while at work a customer had asked me where we had a Taxi phone. The lady behind her heard and asked her where she was headed, and then offered her a ride! Also, the lady who was going to take the Taxi was black and the other lady was white. I know there's a lot more racism among older people so this was surprising to me, but it made me feel good and it made me feel like doing something good for somebody else.
Also, today after I missed my bus I went to get pizza because the weather was so cold, I couldn't stand being outside for even a minute! As I was waiting for my pizza slice, a random man gave me two bus tickets. It was weird but it made me feel good.
But like I stated earlier, I think my dad is right that younger people don't do enough good things. I'm going to start doing more good things when I can, and when I can drive, I'm going to give people rides when they need them.
Jan 25th, 2010 10:42 pm - Subscribe
I'm just so good at ruining everything in my life.
I can't decide if I'm supposed to get used to it, or do something about it.
Maybe I'm just not used to these new feelings.
I've always been bad with feelings.. those silly things, feelings.
I know I'm a top expert at pushing people away.. but I think I've decided to keep this one close. Just this once.
Maybe I'll go crazy.. but it's definitely going to be worth it in the end. I can tell.
Jan 23rd, 2010 11:48 pm - Subscribe
I had an amazing time skating again. I made some girl fall, but she deserved it because she was "learning" or something except she was moving her feet 2 cm per minute. Kevin and I went around the rink pleeenty of times before she went around it once.
Anyways, keltic was amazing as usual because I always find people there that I know - oh and I was kind of drunk. I liked the fact that both of Kevin's friends really liked me! One of them is also in Humber so I'll have a school buddy.
Kevin and I got into a huge argument because he told me about his friend cheating on his girlfriend (which I knew) and so I told her the next day. Instead of being mature and telling her what happened, he denied it. Apparently he hates me, and apparently it ruined things between him and Kevin, and of course it ruined things between Kevin and I. They made the biggest deal out of it ever, seriously. It was so dramatic you'd think they were a bunch of girls.
Anyways, the point is I did what I expected to be done to me. If I got cheated on, I would like to find out as soon as possible - doesn't matter from who.
If TJ thinks it's perfectly okay to cheat and lie, then he should expect bad things to happen to him in return. Instead of bitching for hours about how I passed on some true information to someone, he should probably stop and think about the fucking shit he did himself.
I never tell secrets or important information, but this wasn't a secret and it was just wrong. If I hadn't told, he'd probably go back to his girlfriend and fuck her that night. That's disgusting. She wouldn't even know she was getting his ex's germs! It scares me thinking about Kevin cheating.
Anyways, this situation is immature and ridiculous. I don't mind if Kevin doesn't tell me anything anymore, but I'm not going to stop sticking up for what's right. That girl deserved to know what was going on right away.
This had nothing to do with whether or not is was "my business". If I found out somebody had a weapon on them and might hurt someone else, I would definitely tell someone also. I would do the same in plenty of situations. I may not be saving people's lives, but I might be saving people from getting physically hurt, emotionally hurt, lied to, etc. etc.
It may have upset TJ, but maybe he shouldn't have done stupid things without considering that there might be consequences. And after that, he should fucking accept what he did and that this mess started with him.
Sometimes I wish the people around me were better people. It might be one of the reasons why I'm always getting rid of old friends and looking for new ones. I want to be a good person and I want to be around good people.
I'm not going to lie, this whole ordeal made me question my relationship with Kevin and I guess I was considering a break up.
I guess I don't really know what I really want.
I know it can't be wrong if he still gives me butterflies, but our differences are here to stay.
Jan 22nd, 2010 8:29 am - Subscribe
The sunshine is making me even more excited.
The past is just as important as the future, except the past helps me make my future even better.
No, I'm not saying that I'm ashamed of who I used to be, and I'm not saying I regret the things I did... but maybe I should have done a little more.
Either way, it's okay. I have ambitions now, and it's better late than never. I have plenty of time to do the things I want.
I can't decide who I am right now! I can't figure out if I still like parties, or my old friends, or the things I used to do. I feel like my old friends haven't changed at all. I don't mean that in a bad way, because all my friends are great... but all the parties were always the same thing time after time. I'm turning 20 this year, I think I'm allowed to have more mature get-togethers with my friends now. I'm tired of drunks and sluts and people hooking up all around me and everybody discussing stupid, pointless things all the time!
Can we have some smarter parties now!?
Jan 20th, 2010 11:25 pm - Subscribe
Jan 19th, 2010 11:32 pm - Subscribe
Also, I'm almost done figuring out my room setup and it just makes me feel so good now that I have space to breathe, and my own sanctuary back. I can be myself and do my stuff.
I went skating with Kevin today at Gage Park. I haven't skated there since around grade 5 or so.. and I haven't skated in general in about 5 years. It was great, and we were cute.
I should be sleeping, but at this time my mind is always creating the most ideas and new goals.
I'm going to find some new music so that I can hold onto a new lifestyle. :)
Jan 18th, 2010 4:58 pm - Subscribe
I just felt good, that something I said lead to my mom laughing like that. :)
Jan 11th, 2010 10:42 am - Subscribe
I've also been learning to deal with feelings better. I realized that certain things people do would always make me feel a certain way and react a certain way. I think Jamie's note about "scripts" has made me more aware of this. I realized one of the scripts I'm stuck in. It has to do with sexual activities and how I used to get pressured into doing them a lot. I guess because of that, I feel that way sometimes with Kevin, and it makes me wanna push him away. I realized that's not really how I should deal with this anymore. I think I can overcome everything and find out the things I like to do and the things I don't like to do.
Jan 9th, 2010 5:09 am - Subscribe
I've been eating more the past few weeks, trying to gain weight, as I always have. I started to gain some weight at last, but nothing too noticeable.
This morning I found my first set of stretch marks on my body. One on each side of my hips - they're pretty long. I've always hated my body, but now I feel even worse. Stretchmarks don't go away.
By all means, stretchmarks aren't a big deal. I just feel like I don't have anything special about my body anymore - I'm just this giant elephant man now. If this is the price of gaining weight, then I guess I'd rather stay skinny, scrawny and flat.
Edit: I think it might have something to do with the fact that it happened during the time when I was recovering from a UTI (bladder infection) and I was drinking so much more water and juice than usual.
Jan 9th, 2010 3:08 am - Subscribe
Jan 6th, 2010 4:54 am - Subscribe
Inhaling paint fumes, having bad dreams resulting in getting shot, waking up extremely tired even though I had enough sleep, getting up to feel a rush of a huge headache, having no energy.
It doesn't help that my window won't open.
I'm not sleeping in there tonight.
No fucking way.
Jan 5th, 2010 3:35 pm - Subscribe
That is all.
Jan 5th, 2010 5:29 am - Subscribe
It used to be something I love, but that's changing.
I never thought I'd have someone.
I still don't.
Jan 4th, 2010 4:16 pm - Subscribe
i like kevinade.
Jan 3rd, 2010 2:10 pm - Subscribe
o r m
o u s
d r e
a m s
Jan 3rd, 2010 6:43 am - Subscribe
..but we don't look at each other the same.
When I look at you, you're all I see, you're all I hear. You, just you, all you.
When you look at me, I don't captivate you.
You're still more interested in everyone else, everything else around you.
Maybe if I had prettier eyes, that wouldn't be the case.
Jan 2nd, 2010 4:27 pm - Subscribe
I take everything for granted. As much as I've realized the insignificance of our short lives, I still can't get myself to enjoy all my moments. I'm probably the biggest wreck I've been in a long while, but at the same time I can also get more ambitious than I've ever been. I noticed I get worse as time goes on, and I sure as fuck can't wait to see what the fuck happens to me within the next year or two. It's like, when we're little we live in a thousand different worlds and it's okay. We're fine where we are, discoveries have yet to be made. Once we start growing up, learning things, experiencing things... all these worlds start imploding until they all crash into each other.
I think mine are headed for impact real soon.
I don't know what I want out of life anymore. I'm interested in so many things, but I still haven't found anything I'm good at. Could I ever be good at anything? Arts make good hobbies, but I don't see myself making any money out of it.
I think I'm just stuck. I don't know what to do to make this feeling go away. Right now, I just wanna be like them.
Dec 28th, 2009 3:08 pm - Subscribe
Also, something that pissed me off today was that a random customer gave me a stupid religious pamphlet. Religious people waste time, brain activity, and now paper too? What is this world coming to? And then, on my break, an employee asked me if I go to church. When I told her I'm an atheist, she started going on and on and on about how I'm a sinner, and how I'll face God when I die, and how she'll PRAY for me. Go, fucking waste your valuable time on PRAYER. It's not going to magically change my brain and erase my education.
Moving on, Kevin and I are great. As weeks go by, I like him more and feel less needy of him. I feel like we're growing to be more serious about what we have. He wants me to go on birth control. I don't want to, but I'll do all my research before I make a final decision. If I find something that's safe for my body, and I'm able to get it in a way that my parents don't find out, then I don't see why not.
Besides the little things, I've been doing pretty much the same. I think I'm doing a little better than before, and accomplishing more. I'm really excited for the future! I want to make a lot of good art projects and photographs, but I also feel like writing (probably since I've been reading more lately). I don't have as much time to spend with my interests anymore because I spend the majority of it with Kevin, but I guess it's never good to spend so much time all alone. I've been obsessing with my skin lately, ever since we moved into this house! I think it has to do with the lighting in the bathroom. As much as I know it's bad for me to constantly obsess over my flaws, at least it helps me make better food choices. I read that the foods you eat helps your skin.
I like my new cozy room. I like my new amazing boyfriend. I like the money I've learned to save for school. I like the things I like.
I don't need much more than this... ..except maybe snacks and summer.
Dec 25th, 2009 5:23 am - Subscribe
That was annoying.
Anyways, I'll write a catch up blog soon.
Dec 18th, 2009 1:03 pm - Subscribe
Dec 17th, 2009 4:19 pm - Subscribe
I'm awaiting a metamorphosis that might not happen.
Dec 16th, 2009 4:27 pm - Subscribe
pushing you away.
Dec 14th, 2009 4:43 pm - Subscribe
Dec 12th, 2009 2:44 pm - Subscribe
it's about the time we're given
Dec 12th, 2009 2:43 pm - Subscribe
Dec 12th, 2009 10:23 am - Subscribe
Dec 9th, 2009 4:43 pm - Subscribe
How the fuck am I going to do this? I'm seriously running out of hope for myself.
Dec 9th, 2009 6:16 am - Subscribe
Anyways, I feel a lot better now. I can't wait to paint my room and get back on track with everything!
Dec 7th, 2009 5:29 pm - Subscribe
Dec 6th, 2009 4:44 pm - Subscribe
I hate how I always try to help others, just so that they can be my crutch when I become low. Maybe I'm only doing it for a selfish cause, and all this time I didn't even realize it. Everyone's right when they say I only think about myself. I think I'm slowly realizing it. I just don't know how they could see it before I could.
I think last night I realized that if I'm going to be getting these amazing feelings from you, that I should also be expecting the complete opposite.
I wish I could break this obsession already. I'm driving myself nuts, and oddly enough.. even though I'm getting better, I'm also getting worse. :(
Dec 4th, 2009 5:01 pm - Subscribe
Dec 3rd, 2009 5:32 pm - Subscribe
I guess I shouldn't let it bother me so much if the people I care about want to live their life in other ways. Everyone has different dreams and goals, and some people don't have any at all and just turn to other things in life. Even if some of us end up really successful and others not, what really matters is the entirety of the life we lived and whether or not we got what we personally wanted. Some people just want to enjoy every day and even if that gets them nowhere in life, I'm sure they'll happy in life. I know I start a lot of arguments with Kevin, but I do like how he's different than I am. I like the butterflies, and I even liked that strange feeling I get when his eyes turn red. I like how he can say something slightly offensive to me and it burns a giant hole through my body. I like how even when I go a little crazy and push him away, I just end up crying because I know I don't want to lose him, I just really like hurting. I've always been that way, maybe that's something I can't change.
I miss cuddling with Kevin.
Dec 2nd, 2009 4:07 pm - Subscribe
Nov 28th, 2009 7:18 am - Subscribe
Nov 26th, 2009 3:15 pm - Subscribe
The person we are today, right now, is all as a result of change. Every little experience, thought, song, friend, family member, etc. has shaped us to what we are today. We are change.
Change is inevitable. Everything changes, and nothing is permanent either. We change every day - mentally, physically, and emotionally - because every day is something new. We'll learn new information, we'll be inspired by new things, we'll see new sights, we'll think new thoughts, and more.. and then we usually reflect on these experiences and often change who we are: change our opinions, our ambitions, our perspectives, our morals, our goals, our attitudes.
As much as the world around us shapes us, we can shape our own selves just as much. There is so much negativity out there, such as the media and its materialism, television, advertisements, money, money, money - basically a lot of brainwashing. I'm personally not a big fan of people who don't think for themselves, and let this society shape who they should be. I never want to sink that low. Everybody should question what they're being told, and fed by others. A lot of the time, our close friends influence us to act certain ways too. Because we like our friends a lot sometimes, we tend to become more like them so that we could keep them. We might not even realize that the influences that they have on us are negative. Even if we do realize it, sometimes we don't care.
I wish people would care more about themselves, their minds, their futures and their effects on other people.
I think my main point here is that we are in total control of our own lives. We can take ourselves anywhere, we can achieve the things we set our minds on, and we can be the person we truly want to be.
I think one of the main reasons people change is because of the mistakes they make. Some mistakes are small, some mistakes are big and can put people in jail. Either way, I think the advice I would give would be to learn from other people's mistakes. If you can't do that, then the best thing is to think ahead before you do things. People don't think about their futures enough. Some people take on horrible habits, such as smoking. I know that a lot of people try to quit after a few years, but there are some people out there that never start caring about it.
I like to think way in the future, about 10 years ahead or so, and picture where I want to be and what kind of person I want to be. I try to keep that in the back of my mind at all times, just in case I start to stray away from my goal. Honestly, it's just a small thought, but it keeps me going such a long way.
I know everyone does this, but I think I do this more than most people: I like to think back to a month, a few months, a year or even a couple of years, and think about how different I used to be. I change my appearance a lot, my style, but more importantly I had different views on everything. My morals would change and my views on the world. The things that are important to me would change. My friends would change and what I look for in my friends changed too. It's crazy! As much as sometimes I would change in a negative way, I think all in all I'm becoming such a better person. I try to inspire a lot of my friends to keep moving forward and do the same. I guess sometimes people just want to stay the wreck they are. I just wonder how long they can tolerate their lifestyle.
One thing's for sure: we are not made to be a certain person. We aren't genetically programmed to be a certain person. We all start off as an innocent child, a lump of clay. Who we decide to be in the end is entirely up to us. I don't believe that all of us will have the willpower to be great people, in which case, I'd like to stick to those people who will keep me going in the right direction.
Nov 26th, 2009 1:05 pm - Subscribe
Nov 24th, 2009 12:34 am - Subscribe
Nov 23rd, 2009 11:29 am - Subscribe
Nov 23rd, 2009 12:31 am - Subscribe
Those other boys only ever made it worse for me. Boys who try to sleep with you out of the blue, when you show no interest, and outside of a relationship. Ah.. I don't even want to think about the past anymore. The present is such a comfortable place right now. :)
I'm heading out to work soon, I'll finish writing when I get back.
Alright, well aside from having an amazing day/sleepover with Kev, I was late for Allie's birthday party by like an hour and I haven't even made her gift yet. Things got stolen from her house and I feel bad because a part of me thinks it might have been somebody that I know. People are really disappointing sometimes...
The No Frills Christmas Party was pretty sick! The food was decent, and at first I didn't dance with the others. I ended up getting some drinks and felt a little better, and danced away. I'd completely forgotten how much I love to dance! I really need to go clubbing finally.
Anyways, I'm stressed because of packing and having no time for myself. It's like, a whole bunch of feelings molded into one big feeling... and it like paralyzes me in laziness and I can't get myself to do anything anymore. I don't know how to fix that yet.
Nov 18th, 2009 10:34 am - Subscribe
less than three
Nov 17th, 2009 4:47 pm - Subscribe
I'll do what it takes to make you happy.
..even if it means fighting myself.