Inexorable Fuckshit
Date: Aug 15th, 2007 2:19:32 pm - Subscribe
Mood: #%@&$!
Okay, you guys, (jswhitni, and tron especially) I gave in and called Jen lastnight.
Rachel, my brand spanking new girlfriend of all of ... Fifteen-hours, tipped the scales and actually threw the phone at me saying, "I will never talk to you again if you do not call her!"
So, I sucked it up and I called her.
Yeah ... I'm shaking like a fucking leaf as I'm typing this and I've thrown up a couple of times thinking about it.
Before I tell you what IT is I'd like to let you in on a little secret.
When jswhitni mentioned HIV I freaked out. I literally FREAKED THE FUCK OUT! I could just see that happening, so when Rachel threw the phone at me I didn't hesitate I dialed Jen's number from memory, a memory I've tried desperately to block out but have been unable to do.
It rang fifteen times before someone answered.
I could hear the TV in the background playing something that sounded like Sponge Bob (Yes, I've watched Sponge Bob before, mostly when I'm really tired or a little drunk)
But I could hear the TV and then this little voice says "Hello?"
And then I hear Jen's voice really close by and my testicles kind of rose a little.
"Baby, give mommy the phone."
...
I managed to retain my macho exterior for about five seconds before I burst into tears.
Our conversation went something like this;
"You said it was life or death?"
She kind of hissed and I heard a door shut, kind of like she'd shut herself in the bathroom like I do sometimes when talking on the phone.
"Hi, Paul."
"So what's with this life and death shit, you don't have like some horrible disease do you?"
"No, I don't ... I just needed to talk to you. It's kind of important."
I wanted to scream 'well then fucking spit it out and stop this damned suspense I can't take it!' But I actually said, "What's so important that you had to track me halfway across the state?"
"I'm getting married, Paul... His name is Dennis and I need to clear up a few things before we tye the knot."
Then I did slip up and shout at her, "Fuckshit, Jen, what is all this about!"
...
And she told me.
REWIND!!!
Last time I told you how Jen's brother Alex sent me a message saying that Jen was recovering from an abortion?
Well, she never had the fucking abortion and there is a VERY good chance I have a four-year-old daughter named Nevaeh.
Do you understand why I threw up?
She's either mine, this guy Dennis' or (BIG SHOCK) Charlie Hammrick's.
It turns out she had just come from Charlie's when she found me that night in November.
And the life or death part of it??
UTTER AND COMPLETE BULLSHIT!
And because Charlie is currently on one of his 'Runnings' across the US in his little motorhome, me and this Dennis have to go to Charleston and have a DNA test to see who is the father of this little girl.
I FUCKING BAWLED MY EYES OUT after I got off the phone with her! She had four YEARS to tell me and she didn't...
Maybe it was my fault for not talking to her...
Shit...
Rachel had to stay over to make sure I didn't break my vow and go drinking again. (I've been alcohol free since August 1st.)
I know what I'll do if She's mine. It's the only thing I can do. I'll step up, I'll be a man about it all. I'm not scared about that... Not really.
The only thing that really scares me is that Nati got pregnant twice durring the durration of our marriage. The first time she had a miscarriage. The second time, she lost the twins in a car accident, the same car accident that rendered her unable to have children and ended our marriage. (But that's a different story.)
I have a thing about kids. I'm afraid of them. I'm afraid of how fragile they are and I'm petrified that if I ever have on it will end up making the same exact mistakes I've made and end up in a world of hurt.
...
Can you say paranoid delusional?
...
I don't know what to hope for... If Nevaeh's mine then OK, she's mine and I'll take full responsibility for her.
But if she's not ... If she's Dennis' ... I don't know what kind of life she'll have, if Jen and this guy will be good to her...
God, this is Maury Povich stuff here!
...
I think I'm going to go throw up again. We'll know Saturday or Sunday so... Yeah.
I just really don't know what to hope for...
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