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The Truth. Jun 27th, 2010 4:36:43 am - Subscribe
Mood | burned-out
Music | So Cold - Breaking Benjamin

This is the truth.

My life hasn't been an easy one. In everything I've struggled, and at every turn I come under the scrutiny of my family. The judgement. Why am I not better than who I am? The truth? They couldn't handle. The people I've lived with. The things I've dealt with? Sometimes even I don't even want to know.

I stopped "Living" at home when I was about 15. Everything I owned was still there, but I had license, and friends, and things with my family were going downhill. So i just stopped living there. It started with staying at a mates. for two or three weeks at a time. Sometimes more. I would come home for a week, and go away for four. I suppose it didn't help that I had quit school.

I turned 16. I got a job, and a car. I started housesitting. My grandparents went away when my grandfather was having chemo. I housesat. For six months. Bought my own food. etc. Everything. I guess I got the taste. By 16 I was a regular smoker, and I certainly wasn't a stranger to alcohol. My family? Back of my mind. Coming from a strong christian upbringing, i was breaking free... and in all the wrong ways.

At 17 I got myself a really good job in the town over from mine. I got on really well with the people I worked with, and soon moved in with a workmate, sleeping on a mattress in the living room for 3 months. Chain smoking, smoking pot, and drinking was a daily occurance.

Not long after my 18th birthday I moved into my first official flat. I was living with a girl. Lets call her "Sarah"... She seemed pretty cool, and in fact we got on like a house on fire. All her friends were straight away my friends, and I even began to call her mother "mum". Unfortunately the financial pressures of having a big house for just the two of us started to kick in and we decided to find another flatmate. A guy moved into the two bedroom sleepout outside, lets call him "Joe". He was straight. I mean so straight, I actually thing he might have been gay. His parents were rich, and constantly gave him everything he needed. I soon found out that "Joe" like "Sarah" was BiPolar. Neither of them felt like having a job, so both of them spunged off the government. It was alright to start with. I would get up at 6, be at work at 7, finish work at 5, and have tea, and go to bed. On the weekends we would get on the piss, and go out town. We started having parties. The parties were epic. To start with. They wen't downhill. The people got seedier and seedier, there were burns all over the carpets, from dropping spotting knives, the ceilings, once white, were now kind of brown from all the smoking, and there was rubbish everywhere, and there was NOTHING I could do about it. Of course during this time I had met "David".

It all came to a head when "Sarah" got particularly mental and I announced I was moving out. She went bitchy on me and psycho, and I hurriedly moved in with "David".

BAD MOVE!.

Everything was fine in the start. I lived with him, and in the house also lived his sister and her fiancee, and a friend of theirs. We all got on really well, and we all liked each other, and we had some amazing parties. Unlike parties at my old flat, the property was never damaged. There was no drugs, and there was no fights. It was great. Unfortunately I had got really sick, and lost my job, and was regularly having seizures. This i know put a lot of stress on "David". He got his dream job back in the town I had just moved from, and we moved back. We moved into a flat with two girls that just seemed awesome when we met them. Turns out its because they were drugged up to their gills. It gets worse.

Not only did they do every drug known to man, but the dealt half of it as well. We had parties. (come to think of it now, our partying was probably half the problem). The night never ended well, and within a couple of months, after only a year and a bit together, "david" and I broke up, caused, in part, by "Sarah", who I had tried to be-friend once again, who aparently was more interested in "david" than me. The day we broke up my best friend moved me into her house. Me and my cat Kiera, who I had gotten just after I moved in with "david" thrived in the new environment, and despite being heartbroken, and regularly taking way to many sleeping pills with wine, Things started to look up.

I was going out 4 nights a week, getting home trashed at 4am, sleeping til 3pm, and starting all over again. I was still sick, but i was improving. Christmas came and "David" and I started talking. we had both come to the decision that there was nobody else and on new years we got back together. at the same time I was well enough to start work, and i started looking for a job. Unfortunately my relationship with my best friend was deteriorating due to our rediculously different personalities constantly being shoved together, so I also started to look for a new place to live. I got a job and moved out in the same week.

I moved in with an older lady. I decided that if I wanted a more relaxed situation, then I would need to live with someone more mature. Not long after I moved in she announced she was a lesbian and her partner was moving in. I was slightly weirded out, but I was alright with it. Drugs re-rared their ugly head. The partner was a heavy pot smoker. Well I don't know why, but one day, six months later, the partner decided she didn't like me living there, and the lady asked me to move out. So i looked, and advertised for something LONG TERM. I was sick of moving. I was sick of uprooting my cat! Every time she got comfortable in a situation we would be moved on.

I found a place. It seemed nice. The guy was lovely, he had four daughters, and it was an enormous old house. I had my own entrance, my own carpark, my own bathroom/toilet, and the kitchen was right outside my bedroom. It wasn't to be. First of all the girlfriend turned out to be psycho, and came to me in the middle of night whenever they two of them had a fight, and the kids turned out to be demons!. They would use my toilet, and not flush it, and use all my shampoo, conditioner, bodywash etc. And once again, he constantly smoked weed.

When he started being awful to my cat, then I started getting uncomfortable, and it got to the stage where I was sneaking out first thing in the morning before anyone got up, and coming home extremely late at night when I was sure they were all in bed. I was terrified of seeing him. I was terrified that something would happen to my cat, and I was exhausted. For three months.

My best friend and her mother came to me and asked me to move back in. They love me, they trust me, and they hated their new flatmate. They were going away for 9 months and didn't trust him not to steal everything. So i moved in, and they left. A few weeks later he moved out. A couple of weeks later, i got a new kitten.

Now my life is good. I live alone. I have my cat and kitten to keep each other company when I'm working, and I see "david" regularly. I don't have to clean up after anyone, hide when people come to the door, or pay other peoples bills.

Finally. I'm in a place where I don't need to be ashamed.

And "david" and I are celebrating our 3 YEAR anniversary next week. happy.gif

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Amazing Feb 3rd, 2009 7:33:57 pm - Subscribe
Mood | strong

Reach inside of me,
Far beneath the encasing of ashes,
Bleeding red,
Still showing signs of life,
Remove the darkness,
Take me away.





Just....Beautiful <3

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Love Conquers All Jan 6th, 2009 11:16:55 pm - Subscribe
Mood | beaming
Music | Killing In The Name Of - Rage Against The Machine

Omnia Vincit Amore
Love Conquers All


Around a year and a half ago i met a guy. We were like instant best friends, and within a month of meeting, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. 6 months down the track we were so serious about each other that we moved in together. Life was oh so good. I was in love, and he loved me. We had our fights, we certainly weren't perfect, but we loved each other.

His family never liked me. He told me not to worry, that they never liked any of his girlfriends, that they just always put his girlfriends down because they were never good enough, but that he loved me and that was all that mattered. I accepted that. They were nice to my face, and that was all i asked for.

Well eventually we moved to a new town because of a job he got, and i started study. Money was tighter and we started having more arguments. He started working more, and spending less time at home, and his social life got busier, and i was included less and less. I spoke to him about it a few times, but it was a hard subject, which we both had trouble talking about, and it would always end up unfinished.

Eventually, all the stress and pressure and arguments started to form a crack in the relationship and four months ago we broke up. He made up a story about cheating on me, because he was afraid i didnt love him anymore, and wanted to give me an easy out.

I was heartbroken. I started drinking all the time, and taking sleeping pills night and day. i would sleep, and drink, and sleep more. I would go out four times a week and drink til the pub closed, and then come home and take sleeping pills.

After a couple of months he emailed me and tried to explain how sorry he was, and the truth of why he did what he did. How much he was hurting. But by this point my anger had hit. I didnt want to hear a word he was saying. He gave up.

A week before christmas we started talking again. I decided that since i still loved him, and he was such an amazing person, i wanted to be his friend.

He invited me to have coffee with him, saying he missed talking to me, and he wanted to salavage our friendship. I was so happy to hear it. We spent a couple of hours chatting, and it made me feel so much better to know that we could be friends again. So we hung out a few more times.

Then we had a massive argument, because he talked about wanting me back, but i got the wrong idea by it and got angry, and everything was all misunderstood.

Then we had a breakthrough. Thats when we finally admitted that we still loved each other, and after some tears, and a whole lot of talking, we decided that we were going to give things another go.

So we have started from scratch.

We've never been closer or more in love, and I've never been happier

Omnia Vincit Amore
Love Conquers All

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Musicians Apr 16th, 2008 6:02:55 am - Subscribe
Mood | misunderstood

Its like a whole different world... wake up in the middle of the night and write a song, play guitar til 3am, and practice some more when you get up in the morning. I admire it and yet I hate it so. Okay so it was my choice to move in with him. I knew all along what he was like, and i knew that it would be hard for me, but I love him, and i knew that no matter what it was going to work because we were right.

Was I right? i guess in a way I was... then again... maybe not. Our relationship? stronger than ever. Our finances? lower than ever. I suppose the sickness hasnt helped. if i was able to work we wouldnt be in such a financial rut... Or maybe if he payed for more... but i darent ask him to pay for food or power or rent or any of the bills because i know how much this band means to him and how he already wishes he could put more money into it. but when he gets over $600 and I only get $180 i do wonder why it is that im left to pay for everything.

When do i get my break. When do i get to buy cool stuff? New clothes. i only have one pair of pants. one jersey. two pairs of socks. My underwear has holes in it and is falling apart, my only pair of shoes have holes in the soles... When do i get a break? every week i spend every cent i earn on food, and rent, and power, and petrol... to drive him to work and back, to keep a roof over his head... to keep him from starving.


I feel like im drowning, and yet in a way ive never been happier. i couldnt imagine being without him, i love him so much, and when i look at him i cant help but smile.


Does he hear me cry at night? Does he see the tears prick at my eyes as i hand over my last few coins to buy groceries, or petrol. Does he realize how stressed out and upset I am? No... because i keep it together for him. I just want him to have things good. I want him to feel secure, and I want him to think that everything is okay and he can take that time if he needs to to relax, and de-stress.

I THINK IM GOING TO EXPLODE =[

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Just an old blogger returned Apr 14th, 2008 7:46:09 pm - Subscribe
Mood | chilled

Wow blogs aye. the older you get the less time you have to update them.

So im 19 now. It sounds better than it feels although im pretty sure i couldnt handle my life situation a couple of years ago.

So things happened at my old flat and a few months ago i moved in with my boyfriend, which i have to say might have been the best decision ive made thus far because no matter what happens ive always got him beside me to hug me and tell me everythings going to be okay, which in reality could be a lie, but its okay cos its one of those things that makes you feel better anyway. And I live with a bunch of uncomplicated chilled out people who do complain and fuss but not to the point where i feel like pulling out a gun and shooting them all, or myself. Haha, okay so nothing has gotten that bad. Okay so its a bit of a struggle, i mean what with rent and food and power and phone, and internet, for two people on the tiny amount I get off my sickness benefit and what he gets from his work its really hard to live, but we are still happy, and thats al that really matters.

Oh yeah did i mention my sickness. I got glandular fever awhile ago, i quess it was rather serious, but i was getting better when i started having seizures, so to make a long story short ive had about 7 months off work and had to be on the sickness benefit. and through several bad reactions to medications, possible liver failure, and a few other shocks, things are finally starting to get better.

i got a kitten, a cute one. okay theyre all cute. but she is awesome... cept she has just started pooing in the house which is kinda a disaster, especially if the landlord finds out....

and i got my tongue pierced. which hurt less than i expected and yet i must say hurt way too much for my liking lol, and still hurts when i eat spicy food, but its got a cool ball on it now, and it never ceases to keep me amused during bored patches in my day....

i dont really have much to say, especially since my bf is looking over my shoulder and calling me a geek cos im blogging, and until now he hadnt really realized how much of a computer nerd i really am. anyhow i spose i should go cos there is always work to be done.

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One Life, Many Stories Dec 16th, 2007 2:10:23 am - Subscribe
Mood | Loved

Its so great isnt it, when things suddenly feel like they are falling into place. Theres nothing like that feeling of waking up beside someone you love... that first kiss in the morning, getting up and going about life knowing that when you go to bed that person is going to be beside you.

So i did it. I took the leap. Yes ive slept with him, and ive basically lived with him, and ive talked to him almost every day for the past 5 and a half months, but i havent ever said the L word... I was too scared. understandably, after all the hurt, and betrayal, and everything i have been through, i was just too afraid, and yet, unknown to me, all he needed was for me to say it, to break through the boundary of fear that was stopping me, and okay, i was drunk, and i would have said just about anything...but i didnt say anything... i said i loved him. And he said it back...sure it stopped the sex we were in the middle of, but it also opened up this whole new fountain of amazing feelings. just knowing that he loved me, and knowing that he knew i loved him, made me feel like my life was so whole...

His sister, earlier in the night, before either of us had had alcohol, told him that she used to think he should never reproduce, not because of him, but because of all the chicks he used to go out with, and what they were like, and then she looked at me and she told us both that now she could really see us being together forever, and that she was expecting me to have a lot of kids, except not for a very long time, and instead of getting embarassed, or disagreeing, he just smiled...

I could write a story about my life. It would be a lot like one of those stories you read that people who dont give a damn about proper spelling, and just tell things how they are write. about teenage girls... and about what they go through. and what ive gone through... It would include the throwing up, and the cutting, and it would tell about falling in love... and my life sorting out... and finding my nook... where i really belong...

and most of all it would tell about life... and that everyone goes through these things. that anyone can come out the other side...you just need to help yourself... its you and you alone

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The Big Update Dec 5th, 2007 11:48:33 am - Subscribe
Mood | Accomplished
Music | Lips Of An Angel - Hinder

Whoa, so time flies huh?
About 8 months ago life took a turn for the better when i made the decision to move out of home...It hasn't been easy that is for sure, but it was well worth it. I've met some awesome people, and some horrible people, and some people who have just taught me a few things about myself. Sometimes I've wondered why i did it, sometimes I've been lonely, sometimes I've thought if only I had done things differently, but here I am, and i wouldn't change anything.

When I first moved in, it was just me and this girl, and we got on incredibly well, and although its been slightly rocky at times, we still do get on really well... Well she told me to join this dating website. Although it wasn't really my style, and i had just gone through a painful breakup, i joined, just for the hell of it. I talked to old guys, creepy guys, young guys, and guys that maybe should be removed from existence, but there was one guy i talked to, who i got on with quite well, and we became friends. He would txt me, or we would talk on msn, we didn't meet, there was just no need to, we were friends.

Well exactly 5 months and 1 day ago i invited him around for a party...and now i wouldn't be without him for the world.

4 months ago i caught Glandular Fever, and it hit me in one of the most severe doses that my doctor had ever seen, and to this day i still haven't quite recovered. I got my first ambulance ride, and spend the night in hospital and suddenly had everyone that now lived with me doing everything for me. Hiring videos, making food, buying orange juice, and apple juice, and fruit, checking on me day and night... and most people would enjoy that, but for me, who has always been extremely healthy and independent, it was just frustrating. And my slow recovery was even more frustrating.

Well about 3 weeks ago i had finally started to feel almost normal again and my boyfriend and I were on our way to his place with my driving (because nobody drives my car, i love it too much), and as i was driving i had a seizure, and my boyfriend had to grab the steering wheel and the handbrake. I was quickly rushed to the doctor who ordered a CT scan. A week later as i was laying in bed, had just woken up I turned over to talk to my boyfriend and i had another seizure. I made a doctors appointment, and slept for the rest of the day. A week later i went to the doctor, who sent me straight to the hospital, now worried that i had a brain tumor of some sort. I was let out that night and i went home with my boyfriend. Three days later i was once again sent into the hospital to have my CT scan, which although was scary was manageable. The next day i was at my boyfriends talking to his sister, and his flatmate and i started to feel ill, so i went outside to sit on the deck. A few minutes later i started throwing up blood. His sister and his flatmate ran to get him out of the shower and they all crowded around me, but i refused to go back to the hospital again. Two hours later i threw up again, with a lot more blood, and this time his sister didn't hesitate to call an ambulance.

7 hours later i was discharged from hospital and my boyfriend drove me back to his house where he could look after me if anything at all happened. Whilst I was at hospital they got the results of the CT scan which cleared me of having a brain tumor but now leave epilepsy as the only other option...

Through all of this I've managed to quit smoking!

I'm just taking each day as it comes. It's not easy, I'm in a lot of pain, i feel very sick, and i desperately want to smoke, but I'm finding that i can do it. I am stronger than I ever thought i could be.

=]

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Men...! Sep 29th, 2007 3:38:06 pm - Subscribe
Mood | confused

When James and i got together it was just accepted that we would take things slowly. Especially since, for me, this was the first really serious, grown up relationship i had been in. And don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I'm happier than I have ever been in my life. I can truly say that i have the best boyfriend in the world. It's only been just over three months, but i know deep down that this is something that could last for a long time, and I love that. I feel safe and secure. I'm not afraid of where this relationship could lead, although like i said we are taking it slowly, so I am hoping that it isnt planning on leading anywhere too serious in the next few months!

Oh but of course, there must be a catch, with all this happiness. Well i don't want to hurt him, or make him feel that i don't want to move on. Last night i was at his house, and he had his arms around me, and I had to leave, and he said to me, "I don't want you to leave, you should live here." Now I'm pretty sure he didn't mean it seriously, and although i didn't want to leave, my mouth shot off before i had time to think. I giggled, gave him a big hug and said, "yeah, that really wouldn't work..." I mean in reality, his town is an hour away from mine, and i have work, and my doctor, and it would be hard from my point of view, and beside that point, i thought he said it non-seriously. But it took him a minute to reply. He said, "Nah, you're right it wouldn't." And laughed.

Now maybe I'm reading too much into this, maybe i should chill out. We both know we aren't ready to move in with each other and he was joking... right...? I guess i just really don't want to screw things up with him because he is the most amazing guy I have ever met...

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Life in the fast lane Sep 27th, 2007 1:20:18 am - Subscribe
Mood | Pissed off

Six or seven months ago i moved out of home. Best decision i ever made. It was just me and a chick, and it was the happiest, funnest, most relaxed time of my life. Then Nathan moved in. That was okay... you got used to him after awhile. I mean i spose it took awhile, but he is alright. Then carlton, nicole, and matt moved in. Suddenly the house was overcrowded, Lorilei changed, stopped caring. My boyfriend was my one escape. the one thing that kept me happy. And Kris... its always good to have someone to go to coffee with, who understands Lorilei, and flat life when you're the only one who works or cares about sleeping.

Last night i went to bed early, and this avo Kris came over and said that after i went to bed, Lorilei, my so called friend, was bitching about me, telling all sorts of lies, and gloating that she was in a band with my boyfriend when im not. She knows i was offered a place in the band. I turned it down, im quite happy not being in the band.

So now i need a new job AND a new place to live... and i feel so young and kind of scared. I really wish i knew what to do... where to go.

I know that if i go back now i will blow up. explode, possibly physically hurt her... or even worse... myself...

What should i do sad.gif

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Overlooking Life Sep 17th, 2007 1:58:52 am - Subscribe
Mood | Contemplative
Music | Operation Ground And Pound - Dragonforce

Its been a long time.

So the other day my mother was talking to my boyfriend about what a good writer i used to be, so i decided to look up some of my old writings. Instead of finding stories, i found blogs, blogs that damn near made me cry. Never before have i realized how hurt, and upset, and terrified of life that i was just a few months ago. I look now at how much my life has changed. Now i live in my own place, and have a nice car. Now I'm in a secure relationship. But i have to wonder, even though all this has changed, am i happy? I know now that not one part of me wants to die. That im no longer afraid to live, but knowing that i havent dealt with any of these feelings, any of the underlying causes of these feelings, what if things change. Will those feelings come back? Or am is the new found happiness here to stay?

I guess i havent changed that much, i still wonder what could have been. or what might be. I still wonder what will happen to me, and what i'm here for.

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