Its like a whole different world... wake up in the middle of the night and write a song, play guitar til 3am, and practice some more when you get up in the morning. I admire it and yet I hate it so. Okay so it was my choice to move in with him. I knew all along what he was like, and i knew that it would be hard for me, but I love him, and i knew that no matter what it was going to work because we were right.

Was I right? i guess in a way I was... then again... maybe not. Our relationship? stronger than ever. Our finances? lower than ever. I suppose the sickness hasnt helped. if i was able to work we wouldnt be in such a financial rut... Or maybe if he payed for more... but i darent ask him to pay for food or power or rent or any of the bills because i know how much this band means to him and how he already wishes he could put more money into it. but when he gets over $600 and I only get $180 i do wonder why it is that im left to pay for everything.

When do i get my break. When do i get to buy cool stuff? New clothes. i only have one pair of pants. one jersey. two pairs of socks. My underwear has holes in it and is falling apart, my only pair of shoes have holes in the soles... When do i get a break? every week i spend every cent i earn on food, and rent, and power, and petrol... to drive him to work and back, to keep a roof over his head... to keep him from starving.


I feel like im drowning, and yet in a way ive never been happier. i couldnt imagine being without him, i love him so much, and when i look at him i cant help but smile.


Does he hear me cry at night? Does he see the tears prick at my eyes as i hand over my last few coins to buy groceries, or petrol. Does he realize how stressed out and upset I am? No... because i keep it together for him. I just want him to have things good. I want him to feel secure, and I want him to think that everything is okay and he can take that time if he needs to to relax, and de-stress.

I THINK IM GOING TO EXPLODE =[

Wow blogs aye. the older you get the less time you have to update them.

So im 19 now. It sounds better than it feels although im pretty sure i couldnt handle my life situation a couple of years ago.

So things happened at my old flat and a few months ago i moved in with my boyfriend, which i have to say might have been the best decision ive made thus far because no matter what happens ive always got him beside me to hug me and tell me everythings going to be okay, which in reality could be a lie, but its okay cos its one of those things that makes you feel better anyway. And I live with a bunch of uncomplicated chilled out people who do complain and fuss but not to the point where i feel like pulling out a gun and shooting them all, or myself. Haha, okay so nothing has gotten that bad. Okay so its a bit of a struggle, i mean what with rent and food and power and phone, and internet, for two people on the tiny amount I get off my sickness benefit and what he gets from his work its really hard to live, but we are still happy, and thats al that really matters.

Oh yeah did i mention my sickness. I got glandular fever awhile ago, i quess it was rather serious, but i was getting better when i started having seizures, so to make a long story short ive had about 7 months off work and had to be on the sickness benefit. and through several bad reactions to medications, possible liver failure, and a few other shocks, things are finally starting to get better.

i got a kitten, a cute one. okay theyre all cute. but she is awesome... cept she has just started pooing in the house which is kinda a disaster, especially if the landlord finds out....

and i got my tongue pierced. which hurt less than i expected and yet i must say hurt way too much for my liking lol, and still hurts when i eat spicy food, but its got a cool ball on it now, and it never ceases to keep me amused during bored patches in my day....

i dont really have much to say, especially since my bf is looking over my shoulder and calling me a geek cos im blogging, and until now he hadnt really realized how much of a computer nerd i really am. anyhow i spose i should go cos there is always work to be done.

Its so great isnt it, when things suddenly feel like they are falling into place. Theres nothing like that feeling of waking up beside someone you love... that first kiss in the morning, getting up and going about life knowing that when you go to bed that person is going to be beside you.

So i did it. I took the leap. Yes ive slept with him, and ive basically lived with him, and ive talked to him almost every day for the past 5 and a half months, but i havent ever said the L word... I was too scared. understandably, after all the hurt, and betrayal, and everything i have been through, i was just too afraid, and yet, unknown to me, all he needed was for me to say it, to break through the boundary of fear that was stopping me, and okay, i was drunk, and i would have said just about anything...but i didnt say anything... i said i loved him. And he said it back...sure it stopped the sex we were in the middle of, but it also opened up this whole new fountain of amazing feelings. just knowing that he loved me, and knowing that he knew i loved him, made me feel like my life was so whole...

His sister, earlier in the night, before either of us had had alcohol, told him that she used to think he should never reproduce, not because of him, but because of all the chicks he used to go out with, and what they were like, and then she looked at me and she told us both that now she could really see us being together forever, and that she was expecting me to have a lot of kids, except not for a very long time, and instead of getting embarassed, or disagreeing, he just smiled...

I could write a story about my life. It would be a lot like one of those stories you read that people who dont give a damn about proper spelling, and just tell things how they are write. about teenage girls... and about what they go through. and what ive gone through... It would include the throwing up, and the cutting, and it would tell about falling in love... and my life sorting out... and finding my nook... where i really belong...

and most of all it would tell about life... and that everyone goes through these things. that anyone can come out the other side...you just need to help yourself... its you and you alone

When James and i got together it was just accepted that we would take things slowly. Especially since, for me, this was the first really serious, grown up relationship i had been in. And don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I'm happier than I have ever been in my life. I can truly say that i have the best boyfriend in the world. It's only been just over three months, but i know deep down that this is something that could last for a long time, and I love that. I feel safe and secure. I'm not afraid of where this relationship could lead, although like i said we are taking it slowly, so I am hoping that it isnt planning on leading anywhere too serious in the next few months!

Oh but of course, there must be a catch, with all this happiness. Well i don't want to hurt him, or make him feel that i don't want to move on. Last night i was at his house, and he had his arms around me, and I had to leave, and he said to me, "I don't want you to leave, you should live here." Now I'm pretty sure he didn't mean it seriously, and although i didn't want to leave, my mouth shot off before i had time to think. I giggled, gave him a big hug and said, "yeah, that really wouldn't work..." I mean in reality, his town is an hour away from mine, and i have work, and my doctor, and it would be hard from my point of view, and beside that point, i thought he said it non-seriously. But it took him a minute to reply. He said, "Nah, you're right it wouldn't." And laughed.

Now maybe I'm reading too much into this, maybe i should chill out. We both know we aren't ready to move in with each other and he was joking... right...? I guess i just really don't want to screw things up with him because he is the most amazing guy I have ever met...

Six or seven months ago i moved out of home. Best decision i ever made. It was just me and a chick, and it was the happiest, funnest, most relaxed time of my life. Then Nathan moved in. That was okay... you got used to him after awhile. I mean i spose it took awhile, but he is alright. Then carlton, nicole, and matt moved in. Suddenly the house was overcrowded, Lorilei changed, stopped caring. My boyfriend was my one escape. the one thing that kept me happy. And Kris... its always good to have someone to go to coffee with, who understands Lorilei, and flat life when you're the only one who works or cares about sleeping.

Last night i went to bed early, and this avo Kris came over and said that after i went to bed, Lorilei, my so called friend, was bitching about me, telling all sorts of lies, and gloating that she was in a band with my boyfriend when im not. She knows i was offered a place in the band. I turned it down, im quite happy not being in the band.

So now i need a new job AND a new place to live... and i feel so young and kind of scared. I really wish i knew what to do... where to go.

I know that if i go back now i will blow up. explode, possibly physically hurt her... or even worse... myself...

What should i do

Its been a long time.

So the other day my mother was talking to my boyfriend about what a good writer i used to be, so i decided to look up some of my old writings. Instead of finding stories, i found blogs, blogs that damn near made me cry. Never before have i realized how hurt, and upset, and terrified of life that i was just a few months ago. I look now at how much my life has changed. Now i live in my own place, and have a nice car. Now I'm in a secure relationship. But i have to wonder, even though all this has changed, am i happy? I know now that not one part of me wants to die. That im no longer afraid to live, but knowing that i havent dealt with any of these feelings, any of the underlying causes of these feelings, what if things change. Will those feelings come back? Or am is the new found happiness here to stay?

I guess i havent changed that much, i still wonder what could have been. or what might be. I still wonder what will happen to me, and what i'm here for.

When *he* asked me out he said we would make it work, he said not to worry, that no matter what it was that we could work through it. He told me he loved me, and he wanted it to work. He said he loved me. When he started on drugs, i accepted it. I didn't ditch him, even though everyone around me told me to. I didn't give up on him when he ignored me for two weeks, and then when he suddenly asked for his jersey back after not speaking to me, i accepted it and just let him be. When i got sick of this i asked him what was up and he said we had to end it. That it wasn't working. That he loved me but it wasn't going to work. He said he loved me. *love* doesn't give up. Love. If he loved me he would make it work.

What did i do wrong? Why am I not good enough.

This evening i started cutting again. This time worse than before. i felt so out of control. Like i really couldn't stop, and when i had finished, it was only then that i realized what i had just done. Overdosed on some painkillers, covered up my wrist, and told myself no one would notice my smeared makeup, and the blood on my jersey.

People noticed

Nobody helped me. Nobody offered to help me. No one asked what was wrong.

I just want to be loved. To know what i did wrong. For the first time in my life i felt like i had really met someone who i could imagine being with for a long time. someone i wasn't afraid to be myself around. Someone i wasn't ashamed to be seen around. Someone i wanted to tell everyone about because i cared about him so much. Someone who's family i wasn't afraid of. Someone's who got on with my family.

Why do i always screw up?

m honestly so upset right now. I just don't know what to do.

When i first started going out with michael things were so perfect. And i just wanted some security in my life, and things felt so right with him, so i guess i became attatched far too quickly. But you know when he met my whole family, when he introduced me to most of his family, i just felt so at home, and comfortable with him and our relationship. I guess when he met all my mates, and ps. phil, and said they were cool, i felt realy encouraged that maybe this time i had found someone who i could stay with for even awhile.

When he ditched me and started ignoring me i knew drugs were involved, but when he told me, and promised he wouldnt any more, i felt hope... and then he said he would make it up to me, and said he would come on wednesday, and i felt even better, but when he turned up stoned, i felt like i had died. And so when he apologized the next day, and really made a break through and promised me that it really wouldnt happen again, i really felt like he could be serious.

Now ive just got suspicious again. hearing that he is with ben, knowing taht he isnt talking to me, it just terrifies me. and upsets me more than anything because i really felt like i had finally found someone that wasnt going to hrut me. I just feel like im not good enough. that ive done somthing wrong. that ive screwed this up for us. I just felt like somehow this one was right, and now he isnt talking to me, and i havent seen him, and i just want him so bad.

i really felt like god was saying it was right. and now i dont know whats happened.