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broknangel
Ugh=[ - Subscribe
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Life is so up and down these days. Lets quicky re-cap on the last week (this could get me into trouble...i hope people have stopped reading my blogs) Thursday: I didnt have my car, so i went to napier with kirstin. that was a good time. Friday: Didnt do anything much, wasnt in much of a mood, even youth group was a drag. wait...not that thats anything new Saturday: Sat around and slept mostly. Tired and just not in a good mood. Sunday: Work...My friend took party pills. offered me some. Monday: realized what a screw up i had once again become Tuesday: created enemies Wednesday (today): wondered how i turned back into the person i was a a year and a half ago In all seriousness i know how this started, and once again i know where it will end....but will it end? Every day is like a huge test, and every day i fail that test and im getting more and more frustrated and angry at myself for failing that test that each and every day i break a little more. and i fall a little more, and the less i believe in myself the worse i do. No one seems to unerstand what i go through on a daily basis. like living at home... no one understands at all. when i write about death, its because there are times when i wish i was. i can go through tuns of stuff, and still have a smile on my face, and still act like nothing is wrong. and still fool people. This explains me better than i will ever be able to explain to people ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ parent SCREAMING you fill in the blank with latest mishap--"WHY DID YOU DO_ _ _ _ _?!?!?!?!?" you -- " I don't know." and you truly mean it, you don't know. Then they begin to rant and rave, you retreat inside...the eyes are still open but you're on a different planet, they go on forever and then something in their voice clicks a switch you know there running out of steam and about done and so you come back the present reality and do one of two things either play it cool as you can and try to get out of the area or before you know it you smart off at them or try to defend yourself and it kicks off again...when you're finally able to disengage you stomp off fuming that nobody understands you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Its just so hard. when people treat you like you intentionally didnt do something, when you genuinely have no memory of it. |
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broknangel
petty fights Aug 8th, 2006 4:44:32 pm - Subscribe
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Im over family life. Every tiny little thing turns into a screaming match between whoever is involved at the time. My sister eats out with her boyfriend most of the time, so she insists that she shouldnt have to wash dishes. BUT she has eaten here, and used dishes, so my mum wants her to dry the dishes. So she starts screaming at my mother about how unfair she is (SHE IS ALMOST 19 YEARS OLD) and so my mother starts screaming at my FATHER about how my sister and I wont do anything and so my father starts screaming at ME to do the dishes. but im sick, and dont want to put up with it, so once again i zone out, and stop listening. My mother then, decides to go on "strike" not wash, or dry the dishes, and not cook either. This doesnt worry me, cos its not like i was gonna be eating. My father comes home and has to make himself tea. he is hacked off, and starts once again yelling at ME to do the dishes, even tho, i cant even stand up without collapsing cos im SICK. My mother gives in and washes the dishes, and pretty soon every bench top in the house is covered in washed dishes that need drying and putting away. My sister comes home and starts complaining that she has nowhere to do anything...at which point my mother goes mental and tells her to put some of the dishes away, my father once again hears, and gets pissed off and leaves, then, my sister says, just freaing hurry up and make christien do them, you are her mother, not the other way round, and im sick of coming home and not being able to do anything. At which point i feel like killing someone, because i havent eaten here in five days, and so if she shouldnt have to do them then neither should i and she has used more dishes than me anyway, besides that i already know taht im gonna end up doing them because in the end i always end up doing them because my sister wont ever do them and my mother is too afraid to fight her. so i dont even know why anyone is fighting cos everyone knows in the end i will clear up the dishes, and cook tea, and vacuum, and do everything else, and everyone will be oh so happy again for another three seconds. |