~written yesterday...computer problems~
i came home today.
i was going to stay with lisa til sunday, but a
change of plans made me decide to come home a
little early. but now i know why i wasnt here.
less than half an hour after i get home, my
mother is yelling at me and calling me
inconsiderate, and selfish, and comparing me to
my sister, and suggesting that im getting as fat
i freaked out today. i went shopping, and i had
re gained another size. while i was away i was
eating, and cos there was no pressure from my
parents, and no one telling me not to, i was
i threw up an hour ago.
I thought that after a few days away from my
parents i would be more able to handle them. but
aparently not. i just hope i can sleep in in the
morning, because i have hardly slept the last
i might go on msn, yim, and aim in the morning.
although i fear i wont have anyone to talk to.
oh well. im going to try sleep.
for some - Love you - for others - goodnight
these pics are pretty scary, and they are from the last few months, and i think a couple of a year or more ago, but you can see me, and im a bit fat, but im sure you will get over that.
i am so close th giving up right now. the fear that i hold, and then anger and the rage, and the hurt right now is enough that i just want to die. now.
i cant see a reason to live. to love. to breathe.
i dont want anymore. i dont want anymore yelling or complaining or being treated like im stupid or dumb. im sick of my mother complaining about everything all day and making everybody else in this house feel worthless and no good.
i want to die.
i cant go on like this anymore. i have to have a change. i have to make a change. i dont deserve to live.
yesterday, when everything happened, i took off. just after writing my last entry, i just walked out. i didnt tell anyone where i was going, mostly because i didnt know. i made it to the park just down the road where i fell off my bike and just started screaming and crying with anger rage terror and a million other emotions that i cant even express. half an hour later, i got back on my bike, and took off up another road. thats when i saw a message on my phone from my mother. saying sorry and where are you and u were right and all that. i ignored it, and just managed to cross the experssway when i once again just started screaming and crying, but i kept going faster and faster and faster becaue i ffelt like i was leaving it behind.
i kept going and going and going the long way al the way past the back of the race course to the center of town, then past pac n save to cornwall park. i was at cornwall park for around an hour probably. i layed on the grass in the middle of an open area for ages. then i got up and moved towards the entrance. while i was there, a guy walked up to me. he asked me why i wasnt at school, and i said i didnt go, and he asked if i worked, and i said no, im looking for a job, and he asked, full time or part time, and i said full, and he said, i have a part time job going, would you take that, and i said yes. he got my number and things will go from there.
ten minutes later my father called an picked me up. he drove me to harvey norman, and told me to choose a cellphone. so i did and he bought it. and while he was buying it, he went and bought me a webcam. when my mother came home after i got back home, she didnt say much to me. she hardly looked at me. she cooked dinner, and she and dad, served it too me. its like, they were rtying really hard to make up for it.
i dont know how or why. but things have changed BIG time. the ball is in my court now.
why is it that im always the one left sitting in a hall way by myself watching or listening from afar where everyone is out having fun.
no one knows. no one sees.
and yet sometimes im told to stop doing what i do. why would i stop? no one has seen me yet. no one thinks im cool. no one wants to hang out with me. the only friendship i have that makes me go places is with a girl that still hurts me badly when i am around.
after yesterday. im feeling worse not better. because i cant hold back the tears any longer.