I guess when i left for housesitting things had sorta gone down a fair bit at home, and as lonely as i knew housesitting would be, anything was better than being at home. and it was, i mean, i was a whole lot less lonely than i expected, and it gave me heaps of time to think, and write. In the end, as much as i craved my own bed, and human company, every single time i was home for even a few minutes, it was like my heart was being torn apart, and so when it came time to leave, and move back home, its possibly the worst feeling ive ever had. Nothing has changed. Maybe my parents have been treading on tip toes around me, just because they know im THAT close to just leaving and never coming back, but none of it is to any avail... nothing is to any avail. i feel so down. I want to know what i can do, i want to know what im here for, what i should do. I just want answers, i want to feel loved, and i want to love myself. If there is anything i learnt from the time living by myself, its that im not happy. im not even anywhere near happy. I am lying to myself, but not only that, im lying to everyone around me. And some of them are actually believing the lies.
And yet it feels like im always saying this, and im always begging for help, and in the end i know that i probably am, and i probably never will get help because i will never help myself. I guess there is a part of me that wants to be screwed up, wants to be upset, even wants to take it all out on myself, simply because its my way of handeling things. But in "handeling" these things, im not handeling them... and i know that makes NO sense, but this is where im at... im not handeling anything...
Im not crying, im not smiling, im not truly connecting with people around me, im blank. i feel blank. i feel like there is nothing, that im nothing, i see this life, i see everyone around me and its all happy "lalala" and i desperately want that, i want that more than anything, but its like looking out over a cliff, and seeing a cliff facing me with a massive great divide, valley thing, and there is NO way of getting there, and ive been trying to figure out how to get there, and all i can think of is to stretch my wings, and fly, but i cant do it... i cant.
I want this thing that i cant reach, and i see everyone at that point, and im not jealous, i just want to know how to get that. and i see people wanting to get where i am, and i dont know how to help them, and it tears me up inside that people could be in a worse position than me, but it tears me up even more that i have no way of helping that. and im all torn up, torn between trying to figure out how to get what i want, what i NEED, and trying to figure out how to help all these people get what they want.
And i just feel like im losing my mind.
I started smoking again. It took my so long to quit, and only ten minutes to be fully and completely addicted to them again. Not in the general smoking addiction form, but the addiction to being in control. The addiction to doing something that i know is bad, just because i get away with it. The addiction of knowing that i can put myself in a place of complete relaxation and still be in total control of what goes on around me.
I know that sounds crazy. Ive heard all the statistics. realistically i know that i need to quit again, and straight away, and i need to deal with all the issues that im once again pushing aside to put this as the front and foremost in my life, but right now, this is what i see, and this is my way once more, of handeling things. And i guess, in reality, i know so much now, and i know what im doing, and yet im still completely lost as of how to help myself, and how to get back out of the dark hole ive fallen into.
In worse news, my car died today. Which is possibly the worst thing that could happen to me because it is my freedom in driving that helps me relieve the pressures of upsets of the day, and helps me to prevent myself from doing anything worse.