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broknangel duuude what is happening to me? - Subscribe
i dont know what is happening to me. honestly. today i dressed up because i knew a guy was coming over, and that is completely crazy, he is just a friend, and he just came to chat and hang out....ok i will admit...i USED to like him......but not now....i mean....im not ready for another relationship.....

or am I? i mean, it has to mean something?

but it was too sweet, he opened the door for me, and the gate, and made me walk thru first, and......ok im going to shut up. im not ready. im not. im not.


*hugs all*

laterz
4 Comments
Mood: amazed
Music: Hilary Duff

broknangel Never Say I Love You Nov 1st, 2005 1:23:10 pm - Subscribe
Verse 1
We had a love you let it go
You were all I'd ever known
What was so bad you had to go
No explanation, not a note

The situation left me numb
I must admit its kinda dumb
What has this love become
It left me alone, the only one

But now I'm standin with the thought in my head
Listening to the broken heart that clearly understands

Chorus 1
That I will never say I love you again
Cause every time I say I love you my heart gets broken
I will never say I need you again
Don't know where to look if I could ever start again

Verse 2
(OOO) I never had lucky hope
(OOO) Until I had a fatal dose
(OOO) That left me here without a pulse
(OOO) I pledged my heart and now I know

That now I'm standing with my heart in your hand
Listening to the broken heart that clearly understands

Chorus
That I will never say I love you again
Cause every time I say I love you my heart gets broken
I will never say I need you again
Don't know where to look if I could ever start again

Bridge
Why can't I just live again
(OOH) Why can't I just trust again
Is my heart listening
(OOH) Why can't it just beat again

(OOH) Every time I wanna love again
(OOH) I see that same thing happenin
Ooohhhhhh

Breakdown
That I will never say I love you again
Cause every time I say I love you my heart gets broken
I will never never say, never never say I need you again
Don't know where yo look if I could ever start again

Chorus
That I will never say I love you again
Cause every time I say I love you my heart gets broken
I will never say I need you I need you again
Don't know where to look if I could ever change again
Change again
3 Comments
Mood: hurt
Music: Never Say I Love You - Ben Lummis

broknangel My Day Nov 1st, 2005 10:33:48 pm - Subscribe
i went out this afternoon.
i cant say it was overly enjoyable, but it was good to go out. i didnt really get talked to much, but i didnt particularly mind about that, because it isnt something new.

i saw some dogs today. man, i really miss dogs. i miss going out with them, and training them, and hugging them. dogs dont judge, they dont care about your past, they give you un ending love, they wont ever break your heart, they trust you, they are one of the greates animals ever...them and horses. i miss horses too.

its so hard. to go out with the youth group and smile, because i look at every single one of them, and imagine that they have felt even a tiny bit of what i have, and i want to cry. it still hurts. i lie in bed every night and i cry, because it just seems so hopeless sometimes. and i know i shouldnt. but i blame myself in a huge way still.

i had to talk to lisa yesterday, and make an excuse not to hang with her, because i need to get everything off my chest before i can face her and pretend everything is all good again.

i love her, and i told her that thru this im still her friend, but it is hard to not be hurt.....
0 Comments
Mood: quiet
Music: Only One Road - Ben Lummis

broknangel -hugs- im scared Nov 2nd, 2005 3:54:20 pm - Subscribe
i have a meeting with her today.....

not that i dont like her...she is awesome, and i trust her. but m honestly terrified. i know that i need it, and that its good for me that i have the opportunity. but im still scared. i know its all good, and i will be ok, and the fact that we are meeting on neutral territory will help. being more comfortable than going to her house first time....that would scare me to the point of getting out of it believe me.

just a small problem i have.....i might be having to go to the hospital....im in too much pain to ignore now. after three weeks plus six months, i have to give up and go. that is it....because i didnt sleep last night. i have to.

anyways, im gonna go....byes
1 Comments
Mood: terrified
Music: Never Say I Love You - Ben Lummis

broknangel what is a good friend? Nov 3rd, 2005 1:52:19 am - Subscribe
can someone tell me how to be a friend?

because, i know that, a good friend forgives. and i really have no reason to judge her because, even i make mistakes. but today, i was asked if the friendship between Lisa and I was good for both of us.

my answer was slow, and thought about.

it is good for Lisa. because i support her, and show her that i still want to be her friend despite her mistakes. but it is bad for me, because it hurts me so much to pretend to be her friend. not that im not. im just struggeling so much with what has happened.

i still want to blame myself. because i could have changed the outcome, i know i could have.....

i dont know what i can do to be a good friend without getting so hurt myself.

how do i stick with it?

i dont know.

im applying for a baking apprenticeship....lets pray i get it...
4 Comments
Mood: discouraged
Music: Complicated - Avril Lavigne