A word, a sentence, a hug, a smile. Fall in love, Fall out of love. Hate, anger. Everything is complicated. Everything is confusing. Nothing makes sense. They all tell you its part of growing up, they all tell you that this too shall pass, but you know, you just know that this isnt normal. You know there is something more. There must be something more. A deeper reason, a bigger meaning. Search. Dig deep.
Its like sitting in a dark room, locked up, screaming and screaming and screaming, but no one can hear you, no one is listening. For miles around you there are normal people going around living their lives. Kids going to school, parents fighting, people getting jobs, people losing jobs...but for you time stands still. You kneel down lay your hands by your side and tilt your head towards the roof, looking up you let out one last cry...Will anyone listen. Does anyone hear. Is it part of being young, to be ignored? Not trusted? When are you "old enough" for people to notice you...when are you "old enough" "mature enough" "good enough"
Is this all we are here for, to walk around like endless souls. Like robots. programmed to just do things. No matter how much it hurts, no matter what happens, we keep going. And... we think we have the answer. all by ourselves. We just see the answer there. We say we can handle things, but who wants to handle things alone?
Without love none of us would be here today, so where is our love. Teen suicide. Where is their love? Murderers. Where is their love? Rapists, Druggies, where is their love?... If these people know what it was, if these people understood what they were here for then would they be the same as they are now? Or is the reason the way they are because they dont know what they are here for. And because they dont know, they make their own way, except they cant do it. They cant. They think they have the answers, but they are wrong.
But if we all knew the truth, if we all knew, then not any single one of us would ever be upset again...
But thats never going to happen... Is it...?
But you know thats where we come in. If youth is the future of the world, then this world is screwed. I mean people say that the way things are going when we are adults we wont be able to afford houses. well you know what, the saddest thing is, our kids probably wont make it to adults. Because this world is so screwed up, they think things are bad now, but without making a change then nothing is getting better is it? But when is it time to make a change, how many people have to die before the world goes into panic.
And that whole time there is that one person who suddenly see's, and suddenly understands, but kneeling there in that room, head tilted upward, screaming out for the last time, just hoping, praying that one person heard, that one person heard that could make the difference. And collapsing down on the ground. and ending things there just for another to take up where we left off.
Its time to scream your heart out until someone hears you, until someone realizes...
After all that had happened with lisa i spose i ought to be upset, and just forget about anything, but working in the same place as her, it just doesnt happen. im surrounded by her everywhere i turn. she is there, telling people things, people go from being friendly to ignoring me. and, i should let it go, i should just pretend its not happening, but its hard to pretend when if any single one of them knew the truth then it wouldnt be me they were ignoring. and i could do it, i have the power, to make her life a living hell. but i dont, and yet she continues. i really just dont understand what ive done to deserve this.
when was i a bad person? when did i do the wrong thing? when in the months, and even years that i stuck by her side even through what she was doing, even through her using me, i stuck by her, when did i earn this treatment?
Come December i will be housesitting, alone for almost a month including christmas. I wont have internet, my cellphone will have stopped working altogether by then, and im working the day before and the day after christmas on 4am shifts. which means going to bed around 6pm and getting up around 3am. Just to make my christmas seem extra exciting, my mother announces that, the whole family [aunts, grandparents, uncles etc.] have all discussed things and decided that there is no point in giving anyone presents anymore and so nobody is.
And then i remember that its almost a year ago that my boyfriend broke up with me, and... i promised myself that i wouldnt be single this year for christmas.
Oh great, not lets add all this up again
No Christmas Presents
Yep, i can definately see a "merry" christmas for me.
next year my family will announce im not even invited for christmas lunch.
Oh but wait... thats right.... IM ONLY 17 YEARS OLD ITS NOT LIKE IM GROWN UP
So, overtired but ontime, i arrive at work to realize i forgot my hat and apron, both being rather important things in a bakery, Steve rushes off to get me a new set [cos he is nice like that] I quickly realize on my first break that im running out of drink and i have no money... so i txt my father, who i know is going into town, and ask him to drop off my drink, a few hours later, my second break comes around, im majorly dehydrated, extremely hot and tired, and i collapse into my car [where i like to sit on my break on warm days] to realize, my drink isnt there. so i txt my father who says "oh sorry i forgot" but doesnt offer me any way of getting a drink in the near future... infact pretty much doesnt care. 6 hours and no drink later, im almost in tears from the pain of having to slice bread for 6 hours, i collapse into my car and drive home. My parents arrive, and i calmly ask my mother what on earth possesed her to adjust the length of my trousers when i had clearly told her not to. at which point my father startes to yell and scream and swear at me.
Im shocked and angry, and immediately say to him, calmly, "we dont swear in this house" to which he throws something at me, tears out my internet router, disconnects me and walks away, screamed and swearing once more. My mother tries to console me with a "he was already angry" "it wasnt your fault" but deep down... its just another scar.
I get my internet back up, just for him to scream at me some more.
The last few weeks he has been angry, cos i never let him touch my arm. or even be close to me, i never hug him anymore, or even hardly look or talk to him. he complains that we arent close like we used to be. and doesnt understand why i dont want to be close to him.
but its times ilke these when i just want to leave when i want to get away and never come back. its the scars that are keeping me away from him. how can i be close to him when im constantly waiting... preparing myself for the next time he will hurt me...
Im terrified. of him.