Its been a long time.
So the other day my mother was talking to my boyfriend about what a good writer i used to be, so i decided to look up some of my old writings. Instead of finding stories, i found blogs, blogs that damn near made me cry. Never before have i realized how hurt, and upset, and terrified of life that i was just a few months ago. I look now at how much my life has changed. Now i live in my own place, and have a nice car. Now I'm in a secure relationship. But i have to wonder, even though all this has changed, am i happy? I know now that not one part of me wants to die. That im no longer afraid to live, but knowing that i havent dealt with any of these feelings, any of the underlying causes of these feelings, what if things change. Will those feelings come back? Or am is the new found happiness here to stay?
I guess i havent changed that much, i still wonder what could have been. or what might be. I still wonder what will happen to me, and what i'm here for.
Six or seven months ago i moved out of home. Best decision i ever made. It was just me and a chick, and it was the happiest, funnest, most relaxed time of my life. Then Nathan moved in. That was okay... you got used to him after awhile. I mean i spose it took awhile, but he is alright. Then carlton, nicole, and matt moved in. Suddenly the house was overcrowded, Lorilei changed, stopped caring. My boyfriend was my one escape. the one thing that kept me happy. And Kris... its always good to have someone to go to coffee with, who understands Lorilei, and flat life when you're the only one who works or cares about sleeping.
Last night i went to bed early, and this avo Kris came over and said that after i went to bed, Lorilei, my so called friend, was bitching about me, telling all sorts of lies, and gloating that she was in a band with my boyfriend when im not. She knows i was offered a place in the band. I turned it down, im quite happy not being in the band.
So now i need a new job AND a new place to live... and i feel so young and kind of scared. I really wish i knew what to do... where to go.
I know that if i go back now i will blow up. explode, possibly physically hurt her... or even worse... myself...
What should i do
When James and i got together it was just accepted that we would take things slowly. Especially since, for me, this was the first really serious, grown up relationship i had been in. And don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I'm happier than I have ever been in my life. I can truly say that i have the best boyfriend in the world. It's only been just over three months, but i know deep down that this is something that could last for a long time, and I love that. I feel safe and secure. I'm not afraid of where this relationship could lead, although like i said we are taking it slowly, so I am hoping that it isnt planning on leading anywhere too serious in the next few months!
Oh but of course, there must be a catch, with all this happiness. Well i don't want to hurt him, or make him feel that i don't want to move on. Last night i was at his house, and he had his arms around me, and I had to leave, and he said to me, "I don't want you to leave, you should live here." Now I'm pretty sure he didn't mean it seriously, and although i didn't want to leave, my mouth shot off before i had time to think. I giggled, gave him a big hug and said, "yeah, that really wouldn't work..." I mean in reality, his town is an hour away from mine, and i have work, and my doctor, and it would be hard from my point of view, and beside that point, i thought he said it non-seriously. But it took him a minute to reply. He said, "Nah, you're right it wouldn't." And laughed.
Now maybe I'm reading too much into this, maybe i should chill out. We both know we aren't ready to move in with each other and he was joking... right...? I guess i just really don't want to screw things up with him because he is the most amazing guy I have ever met...