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broknangel this is going to be my post of honesty - Subscribe
i have to be honest here and now.
not that i commonly lie when i write in here, but right now i have to put this down so that it can be on the record.

i may stop writing in this blog. partly because i think i need to lessen my internet useage. and partly because after i write this i may not have the confidence to talk to anyone who has read it.

now, i know that some people think that when writing this i was angry or upset, but i can promise you, im quite happy.

today i lost my best friend. i dont know when i turned into a person that no one could talk to, but aparently i did. im being honest here. all i wanted was a friend. yeh ok, a little while ago things were different. but now things are really different. i can only be glad that i shall no longer burden that person. and many others.

see i am going to push away. it is time for me to be me. i dont know if i will ever get my friend back, but i do know that the only way thru the days is to keep moving.

im going to be on the internet less. infact, tomorrow i may not be on at all. i still want friends. but maybe, if i can screw something up that bad. i dont deserve them

more honesty. im not eating. im not going to start eating. because im happy with what i am doing at the moment. because it makes me happy when i look at those scales and see that i have lost more. i am going to let myself be me.

im not going to let my "friends" hurt me anymore. if they want to treat me like that they can.

all i really am is a burden on society. so i have found out. there is one person in this world who seems to care. but i dont know if she will want to talk to me if her son isnt.

i dont feel angry, or hurt, i just feel....like me. like i always do. no that isnt honest. i feel....i cant explain, im not upset and im not happy.

well, to also be just a tad more honest, my cousin is here, and i really need to pay more attention to her before she dies of boredom.

i may not post for a day or more. i may not be even online. we'll see. i want some people to read this. i will see if they do. especially Kate....

as usual you can contact me on any of my messangers poted in previous posts.

bye all.
Christine.
1 Comments
Mood: unimportant
Music: I\'m Not Okay - My Chemical Romance

broknangel learning to breathe Oct 21st, 2005 4:41:33 pm - Subscribe
ive lost my way
in this world of doubt
ive lost my way
living without
the love and care
that most take for granted
the will to share
has left me disheartened
these things i hide
they leave me so dead
that pain on the inside
all gets to my head
til the day i explode
with anger and hate
and start back down that road
of throwing up what i ate.

i dont even know what is wrong with me, why I am like this. why am i putting myself thru the torture?

i felt so angry yesterday when i went shopping, every top i saw a saw my mother telling me how good my sister would look in it. and i saw how bad i would feel and i felt like crap. besides the fact that im down three sizes in three weeks.

we went to go get lunch, and that is when i realized that people had noticed. i bought a huge lunch, took one bite and gave up. they told me and told me and told me and told me to eat, and i slowly managed to eat that tiny burger. and they clapped me, they were amazed that i had eaten. what i didnt tell them was next toilet i went to it came back up. what have i got myself into?

MSN - chick_in_black@hotmail.com
YIM - broken_angel1605
AIM - brokenangelgirl7

-brokn
1 Comments
Mood: upset
Music: TV actually

broknangel Dont know where this is going or how hard its gonna be Oct 21st, 2005 8:27:47 pm - Subscribe
this is killing me on the inside.
when i found out. the anger that i felt, was the first thing that i got.

then i was hurt. and the anger havent left, but now im just so lost, and confused. i dont know what to do with myself, i want to do something. i dont wanna talk about it. i dont want to face it, i want to run away and bever have to face these things.

Perfect, girl, people only know because im not trying to hide it. im asking for help. im crying out for help. unfortunately. help doest always come when you want it to.

one thing that i am learning over the last few days is that friends always find a way. no matter how bad im feeling, and how much i hurt, i know i have friends, i just need to be reminded of this. especially when the angry hateful side of me comes out. when i am seeming because someone has done something. not even to me. not evn on purpose. just because i read too much into it.

i know what im doing to myself is bad, and i know that, i know it, and im suffering because of what im doing. but i dont care. i dont even know how i can be this person. when i was little food was my friend. i couldnt live without it, i would eat anything, and living in a fairly healthy family, i was a veggie NUT!! so i would eat bowls of raw cabbage as a snack. and now, if i ate a whole bowl of anything in a day then there is something wrong with me, and i will have to go throw it up.

i never looked at it as being used again. i never thought that she was using me, i mean the fact that she told K that she told me because she knew i wouldnt tell, that hurts. because the burden of what she was telling me just brought me down more.

im so alone. honestly right now. im alone. and scared. time for a change. a new me. i need to breakaway.

Christine
0 Comments
Mood: angry, scared, confused, disappointed, stressed.
Music: Welcome To My Life - Simple Plan

broknangel Life. who actually understands it? Oct 23rd, 2005 2:13:22 pm - Subscribe
i didnt write in here last night. and im still not ready to properly talk about what i was feeling. partly because, i dont even know.

aparently L. or K. told C. yesterday that i already knew, so she came up to me to talk to me and to get my side so that they could make sure that they had the story straight.

that scared me, i had a panic attack after that, and i took off, got half way down the street and realized that i had to force myself back, i couldnt run from it this time.

i panicked again when i saw T. and M. walk in. i had promised L. that i would be there for her, but at that point i wanted to step away from both of them and figure out what i needed to figure out. so i ran again. didnt get any furthur when i forced myself back again.

it was so hard. i was crying the whole time. on the inside. i wouldnt let me cry on the outside at that point. i couldnt stand thru the singing and pretend everything was ok. i just couldnt. i walked out a few times. when that was over, i sat down to listen. i was crying properly by then, but so was L. and T. and M. probably. F. had her arm around me to comfort me so i was safe. when P. had delivered the message, i ran again. i came back ten minutes later, my sister just walked out completely. but i knew she was safe because she would go to her BF.

A. saw me walk back in and ran to get me, just put her arms around me and took me to sit down. i would usually resist that, but the mixture of what i was feeling. it was so hard.

i went out with A. and L. afterwards. we talked about it. sat around talkin about it, and i could tell thru the jokes and stuff that L. was extremely bitter. we did other things. but in the end. i left because i told her she had to talk to L. wel no i didnt say that, i told her i was leaving when L. talked to her on msn when she was out talkin to her mother. so when she came in i told her i was leaving. i didnt talk to either L's last night. one said goodnight. but that was it. it was a long day, and i hope today will be better...although, the way i started it. it couldnt get much worse.

-brokn
2 Comments
Mood: numb and still in shock
Music: I Love You Love Me - Ben Lummis

broknangel when pigs fly Oct 24th, 2005 2:08:22 am - Subscribe
WARNING: do not read if you are depressed or want to leave comments about how stupid i am being.












interestin title....thought i would make it entertaining. here is a little of my emotional rollercoster day.

got up, threw up what i had eaten....and drank.........last night and did a few other things. talked to cool people, thought about everything, thought everything would be ok, was alone to think about things all day, tried to eat, had some chocolate, laughed a lot, threw it up. didnt really talk to many people, get really desperate, so posted on prayer requests. talked to a few people. perfect is awesome to talk to. made me feel a bit better, talked to someone else who made me angry at myself again, talked to a few more people who tried to tell me some stupid things, stopped talkin to them, ate a little dinner, threw it up, sat down here, and wrote about my day here.

tomorrow i will go back to not eating. im still trying to evaluate how im feeling. about this whole situation. im not sure i compltely know. i know i tell people im ok about it, but im not. the sense of betrayl that I am feeling, it is crazy.

i will go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Verse 1
I woke up early
And I can't see the light
My back is broke but
It's been a long and lonely night

So what if I'm a fool for even tryin
To right the wrongs when all we had
Is dyin

Chorus
It's easier to leave
Not to face the pain
With everything to lose
Nothing left to gain

Broken
Empty promises you made
Token
Empty gestures that you gave

I'm reelin'
I'm reelin'

Verse 2
Like moving shadows
We danced around remains
Burning ambers
Where once there was a flame

So what if I'm a fool for even tryin
To right the wrongs when all we had is dyin

Chorus
It's easier to leave
Not to face the pain
With everything to lose
Nothing left to gain

Broken
Empty promises you made
Token
Empty gestures that you gave

I'm reelin'
I'm reelin'

Bridge
Oh oh oh
Oooh

So what if I'm a fool for even tryin
To right the wrongs when all we had is dyin

Chorus
It's easier to leave
Not to face the pain
With everything to lose
Nothing left to gain

Broken
Empty promises you made
Token
Empty gestures that you gave

I'm reelin'
I'm reelin'
Reelin'
5 Comments
Mood: confused, hurt, angry, betrayed, disappointed, mad, scared, upset.
Music: Easier To Leave (broken promises) - Ben Lummis