xbang_bang
Love doesn't exist. - Subscribe
Figures.
As far as I am concerned love doesn't exist.
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xbang_bang
Love doesn't exist. - Subscribe
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Ray told me he never wanted to see me again. Figures. As far as I am concerned love doesn't exist. |
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xbang_bang
All the good ones. Aug 10th, 2008 2:58:36 am - Subscribe
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Pounding, spinning, slow. Churning growls louder than my jumbled thoughts, getting blocked out by snippets of television every now and then. Slow and steady. Relax. I cry. Deep breaths. Slow and steady. I need someone more than ever but there is no one for me. Where have all the good ones gone? |
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xbang_bang
Boys hit girls. Aug 4th, 2008 9:56:20 pm - Subscribe
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Him: Drunken anger, hatred towards me, love for his brother. He doesn't listen to anyone I tell him not to, more like beg. Me: Sober, scared, screaming. "Stop don't do this your brother will be home soon he isn't going to like what I tell him, don't make it worse" He hit me once. I hit him back. He hit me twice. Unconscious, bleeding from my mouth. On the cold hard floor. Bouncing around I hear crying pushing my hair out of my face with a wet face cloth wiping the blood from my mouth. Ray is bent over me crying, Amanda is driving somewhere. Concord hospital, empty I'm cold. Ray has his arms wrapped around me, where was he when his brother hit me? I need six months of dental work and now I have braces on my once perfect teeth, I have a concussion, and I need to have surgery on my septum. I probably shouldn't have stood up to him. Damn my stubborn confidence. |
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xbang_bang
I'm doing... Jul 28th, 2008 2:43:17 pm - Subscribe
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that thing again where I think entirely too much and all my thoughts get jumbled and lost... bad ideas are starting to sound like good ideas even though I know they are probably bad ideas. I am thinking about school and everything. I was thinking of taking some time off and joining the peace corps. But I don't know I am doing so well in school as it is. But I want to start over somewhere new, somewhere where I can recreate myself and meet new people. I was also thinking about moving away on my own, getting a full time job saving up some money for a year and then heading back to school... I feel like that would be a good idea. I want a different school because I am bored with the life I have now, I am sick of who I am. I want to move somewhere new, totally different from where I am now. I want to move to the midwest where there is no beach or mountains. Where I will sound exotic because of my thick Boston accent and people will wonder where this girl came from. I want my own apartment with roomies I have never met before in my life. I want to be a mystery. I want to move somewhere weird, like Wisconsin, Minnesota, Washington, or Kansas. Somewhere people wouldn't normally want to be. I just want somewhere besides here where I can be me. I know I am going to think more about this and I am going to realize that it is a bad idea because to be quite frank I don't have enough gall to go out and start new. |
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xbang_bang
Why does this happen to me Jul 28th, 2008 2:17:00 pm - Subscribe
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Jeff keeps playing with my head. He knows I love him more than anything, but he tells me he doesn't know what's going to happen, he keeps telling me he still loves me but doesn't think it will work right now. We were perfect for three years. That's a really long time. I've built my life entirely around him, we never ever fought not even when we broke up. How did this happen? Where does love go? How can you love someone so much and they don't want anything to do with you? I can't keep him off my mind. When I wake up he is the first person I think of, when I go to bed I end up crying because he isn't laying next to me. I want him to want me. I don't want to be lonely anymore. |
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xbang_bang
The fast lane. Jul 24th, 2008 4:26:15 pm - Subscribe
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We live fast. Going from one party to another, days without sleep. We take our Zoloft with vodka, but we don't talk about our feelings. Shopping on Newbury St, clothes we pretend to afford. Sky high heels, pearls, and a sleek black dress. Don't forget the wine and we're out the door. Look but don't touch, we change our names, Amanda is now Mandie, Johanna is now Jonie, Antonia is now Torie. Smile big, bat your eyelashes let them think they can have you. This isn't a life I lived a year ago, it was a life I thought I wanted. |
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xbang_bang
It hurts. Jul 24th, 2008 5:23:25 am - Subscribe
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Why is it that I want him so much and he doesn't even give me the time of day? Why does it hurt so much? |
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xbang_bang
Karma. Jul 18th, 2008 1:06:40 pm - Subscribe
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I find it funny how a guy can play two girls that have never met against each other and expect them not to find out. What is funnier is when the two girls meet to have coffee downtown and realize that their friendship has a better chance of flourishing than the relationship each started with the boy. One word: Karma. |
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xbang_bang
It's inevitable Jul 13th, 2008 2:48:21 pm - Subscribe
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I've come to terms with the fact people change, and sometimes it's for the better and sometimes it sucks, but one thing is inevitable and that is love. You will always love, whether it's yourself, your friends, your dog, flowers, or another person. There will always be love in your life you just have to realize it when it's there. |
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xbang_bang
Liquid Amnesia. Jul 11th, 2008 12:44:10 pm - Subscribe
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Flow through me, light brown, sweet, warm liquid. First sip: Man up it won't kill you... I closed my eyes smelled my bitter-sweet enemy. Put the bottle to my lips, one sip down. Shuddering, and convulsing almost. Nothing as bad as lost love. The warmth takes over my body and I am starting to feel happy. I am taking a walk through the streets of Lowell. The night is cool and I have goosebumps, I don't want to get too cold. Second Sip: The second is never as bad as the first. I knew what to expect and didn't care. Down the hatch. Forgetting the cold, and enjoying the cool air. Heritage Dr. the houses are a lot bigger here, homes to dentists and doctors. Probably mine. Everyone dreams of that life, the big house in the quiet neighborhood. But there is a house wife or a stressed out lawyer doing the same thing as I am. Trying to forget their problems. Because life isn't as good as it all seems. The Merrimack River runs high this time of year, rushing over rocks and the little islands. It rose one day after a few storms. Taking away the homes of whatever lived on those islands. So in the memory of their pain and suffering I take a sip. Third: Doesn't even phase me. Slides smoothly down my throat, the sips getting bigger than the one before, and now I am forgetting your face. Fourth: I take another right after that without even a pause, and I am forgetting your name with every swig. I walked back home because I can't drive. I go into my house and take every picture I could find of you, everything you ever gave me and I put it all in a garbage bag. I finish off the pint and I put that in there too with a note to myself. I go out to the back yard and I dig a hole and I bury it down there. Maybe this will help. |
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Sheldon Construction has been installing the sewer in my neighborhood. I'm sure they do an excellent job, but they leave destruction in their wake. Over the span of two weeks, this is what occured: 1. Early one morning Sheldon Const. cut my cable line in two. (The cable company later tried to charge me two service fees because they didn't make good notes on the problem) 2. A few days later, Sheldon Const. hit a water line. When I came home, I had air/mud in my lines for several hours. I probably have some leaks now although I'm not yet aware. 3. A few days after that, Sheldon Const. knocked out the power to eight homes in my area. 4. Two days later nature (NOT Sheldon Const) happened upon my house. I was on my bed when I saw lightning strike my house seven feet away at my window. My phone/internet was knocked out for 2 1/2 days. 5. Five days after the lightning strike, Sheldon visited me again. I came home Thursday night to find my cable line had been ripped off my house! haha Cable came out on the 4th of July and fixed it. I only have one untouched utility: GAS Let's hope nothing happens there...we would not want that 
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xbang_bang
Dancing on the corpse's ashes. Jul 7th, 2008 1:29:53 am - Subscribe
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Tonight I can't sleep, and it's not the hot sticky New England summer air that is keeping me up. It's all the words you have ever said to me. I am not hanging on every word, I am just hanging on to their meanings. I am overanalyzing and over thinking because it's what I do best. I found myself today standing on the balcony over a wishing well with all the coins I could possibly find. I threw my last one in and then I realized I was wishing for the wrong thing. No matter what I do you're always on my mind, no matter how much you change or how unattractive you get. The boy in my bed isn't you. It doesn't matter who it is that is burying their face in my hair and playing with the rings on my fingers it's still you I think about. It's the meaning of it all. That is what gets me because you always seemed to be more into it than I ever was, it's funny how things work out this way. I am going to toss and turn in my bed most likely by myself and you are going from girl to girl trying to forget about me. |
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I got a Holter Monitor put on yesterday. I have to wear it for 24 hours. I can take it off today at 2:13 PM I hope it caught my heart doing crazy stuff! I do NOT want to have to wear this monitor again. It was only for 24 hours, but it was a real pain. I couldn't sleep well because I was worrying about it all night lol |
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xbang_bang
Start over. Jun 17th, 2008 11:26:29 am - Subscribe
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I simply can't take this anymore. I love you more than you could even imagine lets make this perfect again. |
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xbang_bang
Thunder and lightening. Jun 16th, 2008 9:10:47 pm - Subscribe
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I wish I could fast forward time to see what will happen at the end of the summer, I hate waiting for endings. More than that I hate thunder and lightening. They go together like we once did. Will you please put the thunder back into my life? |
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xbang_bang
Forever is now. Jun 12th, 2008 4:09:30 am - Subscribe
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Do you know what it's like to lose a part of your life? Unwillingly at that. When you've fought so hard... just to get it all ripped away. Now I am drinking away my problems with a friend who I havn't talked to since sophomore year and we are sitting on the train tracks over the river. Watching the water run beneath us it's not moving fast but it's moving.. the same with my life lately. I lost him... I hope not forever. We were meant to be. He was the one. He still loves me "More than a friend but not as much as I used to". It's all my fault, I let him go the first time. I've cried for over twenty four hours straight my eyes are swollen and I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to cry or think about him either. It shouldn't be this hard ever. I want to go back in time I love him so much. I get so frustrated. Okay so I am drunk and this is why I am telling you all this but I don't think anyone knows what it's like to be me lately. Nothing in my life is what I thought it was. Everything is falling apart and I can't put it back together. I am trying so hard. I just need a little help. While we were sitting on that bridge we were talking while drinking down beer and sipping cheap vodka, you know the kind you buy for about ten dollars and you just mix it with gatorade like it's high school all over again. We were just sitting there on the tracks taking rocks and seeing how far we could throw them... not as far as our softball days. We were talking about life, boys, school, and the past. And then we both got really quiet not an awkward quiet but a peaceful quiet. And then I found myself thinking how I wouldn't really mind all that much if a train came right now... I would do one of two things. I would either sit there with my head down and drink my bud light or I would step aside and jump on it and go where ever it takes me. Far away hopefully. I would love to disappear for a while and show up a whole new person, learning from different experiences. I want to work on a farm and fall in love with someone random just to leave a few days later. I want to kiss a boy from every state, and meet a cute stranger in the train station and have him buy me dinner... I want to make someone fall in love with me and ruin them the way you did me. Ruin them for anyone else so that they can never love fully again, you stole my heart and not in the cute sense of the phrase. But you stole apart of me and I want it back. |
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xbang_bang
I'm too scared. Jun 2nd, 2008 1:51:56 am - Subscribe
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I just don't even know what to say. I don't know where to begin. I've made mistakes and their solutions are much easier said than done. I thought we were done but then I realized I can't live without you Jeff, and now I have this other boy who is in love with me and I don't love him back... but I don't want to break his heart because he is the fragile type. I am not really fond of those kinds of boys but I couldn't help it. I just want to run away to the mountains... you know that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind? Yeah well I want to do that. I want to erase everything and everyone from my memory and I want to move to the mountains of Colorado or the beaches of somewhere small and tropical and start everything over. I think Jack Kerouac said it the best: "I like too many things and I get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another until I drop." |
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Hey! I just read The Bitch Posse. It was the best read I've had in a long time!! Go out and read it today! SOOO GOOD! Here's the synopsis: These are the confessions of the Bitch Posse. Cherry, Rennie, and Amy were outcasts, rebels, and dreamers. And their friendship was so all-encompassing that some would call it dangerous. This is the story of three women — as seniors in high school and as women in their mid-thirties — who formed a bond in order to survive the pitfalls and perils of their lives. In the present day, one of them is a wife and mother-to-be, trying to live a "normal" life. One of them is a writer who engages in a number of self-destructive relationships. And one of them is in a mental hospital — and has been ever since that one fateful night fifteen years ago, when a heart-wrenching betrayal and the unraveling of relationships led them to a point of no return, where their actions triggered unimaginable consequences. These secrets have torn them apart while inextricably binding them to one another. What happened to them? And can they survive their shared history, even today? The Bitch Posse is an anthem for friendships that defy society's approval or disapproval. It's a novel of secrets, courage, sacrifice, and hope against the odds. It is both a journey back to being a girl on the verge of adulthood, and a journey forward, showing how the events of our past can unearth the best in us today. Dare to jump in. |
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xbang_bang
Fucked. May 16th, 2008 3:05:00 am - Subscribe
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Jeff and I have been broken up since Septemberish... it was my fault. I have regretted it for a while. But we were like in one of those "It's complicated" type of relationships. It seems when one person is ready for a relationship the other isn't. It's funny how things work out like that. Today we were at his house just hanging out and we started talking about us. What is going to happen why is it weird? Can we fix it? His idea was to break up for good and see if we can fix it that way but I told him the truth, if you break this up for good I won't be able to talk to you for a while. I mean a while. He didn't like that idea. He said "I love you, I want this to be better, and I need you in my life but I am not ready for this relationship to be real again because we both have to figure ourselves out". I agree. I cried, a lot. He did too. We realized breaking up wouldn't fix us. We had to let down our walls. What happened to us over this past year. We spent three years happily together. We never even fought. We were perfect. I still think we can be. |
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xbang_bang
I don't know what it is. May 14th, 2008 3:42:48 am - Subscribe
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Being late is never a good thing. 5 minutes, an hour, a day, two weeks... You think, and think, overanalyze a little and think about everything. Prayers, wishes, hopes, and tears. Just swallow your pride. Test yourself. Everything is alright for a few moments. What can be the problem? I don't know what it is anymore. |