|In my shame i want to run and hide myself... away
||Jan 16th, 2007 11:37:50 pm - Subscribe|
I've lost complete touch with my feelings.
||I Need You To Love Me - Barlow Girl|
I started smoking again. It took my so long to quit, and only ten minutes to be fully and completely addicted to them again. Not in the general smoking addiction form, but the addiction to being in control. The addiction to doing something that i know is bad, just because i get away with it. The addiction of knowing that i can put myself in a place of complete relaxation and still be in total control of what goes on around me.
I know that sounds crazy. Ive heard all the statistics. realistically i know that i need to quit again, and straight away, and i need to deal with all the issues that im once again pushing aside to put this as the front and foremost in my life, but right now, this is what i see, and this is my way once more, of handeling things. And i guess, in reality, i know so much now, and i know what im doing, and yet im still completely lost as of how to help myself, and how to get back out of the dark hole ive fallen into.
In worse news, my car died today. Which is possibly the worst thing that could happen to me because it is my freedom in driving that helps me relieve the pressures of upsets of the day, and helps me to prevent myself from doing anything worse.