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Rawr

Jan 8th, 2007 5:50:35 am - Subscribe

Mood	\|	Tired
Music	\|	Face Down - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Long time no blog.

I guess when i left for housesitting things had sorta gone down a fair bit at home, and as lonely as i knew housesitting would be, anything was better than being at home. and it was, i mean, i was a whole lot less lonely than i expected, and it gave me heaps of time to think, and write. In the end, as much as i craved my own bed, and human company, every single time i was home for even a few minutes, it was like my heart was being torn apart, and so when it came time to leave, and move back home, its possibly the worst feeling ive ever had. Nothing has changed. Maybe my parents have been treading on tip toes around me, just because they know im THAT close to just leaving and never coming back, but none of it is to any avail... nothing is to any avail. i feel so down. I want to know what i can do, i want to know what im here for, what i should do. I just want answers, i want to feel loved, and i want to love myself. If there is anything i learnt from the time living by myself, its that im not happy. im not even anywhere near happy. I am lying to myself, but not only that, im lying to everyone around me. And some of them are actually believing the lies.

And yet it feels like im always saying this, and im always begging for help, and in the end i know that i probably am, and i probably never will get help because i will never help myself. I guess there is a part of me that wants to be screwed up, wants to be upset, even wants to take it all out on myself, simply because its my way of handeling things. But in "handeling" these things, im not handeling them... and i know that makes NO sense, but this is where im at... im not handeling anything...

Im not crying, im not smiling, im not truly connecting with people around me, im blank. i feel blank. i feel like there is nothing, that im nothing, i see this life, i see everyone around me and its all happy "lalala" and i desperately want that, i want that more than anything, but its like looking out over a cliff, and seeing a cliff facing me with a massive great divide, valley thing, and there is NO way of getting there, and ive been trying to figure out how to get there, and all i can think of is to stretch my wings, and fly, but i cant do it... i cant.

I want this thing that i cant reach, and i see everyone at that point, and im not jealous, i just want to know how to get that. and i see people wanting to get where i am, and i dont know how to help them, and it tears me up inside that people could be in a worse position than me, but it tears me up even more that i have no way of helping that. and im all torn up, torn between trying to figure out how to get what i want, what i NEED, and trying to figure out how to help all these people get what they want.

And i just feel like im losing my mind.

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*yawn* guys

Dec 13th, 2006 10:06:10 am - Subscribe

Mood	\|	Confused
Music	\|	I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing - AeroSmith

Its only 11pm. Im absolutely exhausted. I spose its stupid that i wonder why. My eating habits havent exactly been normal lately, and i know they're just getting worse. That seems to be my addictive personality coming through again. I know that i keep telling myself that when im thinner, then they will love me, then i'll be accepted, then ill be cool enough. but you know, its not true. It just isnt true.

He said he would call me. Does that mean i should trust that he really will? does that mean he has broken up with his girl and suddenly im cool again? does that mean he is actually interested in me after all. Or is this just another one of his "games" Because i let myself fall for him once before, and im not in a place to let myself get hurt again. I know that im already falling low and if i let myself get hurt again, it could be the final blow.

I know... im going to stp asking for help soon. im going to stop admitting i have a problem. I just wish someone realized and helped me. Because im never going to have the courage to get help.

When did i get so far into this?

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Pro Ana

Dec 9th, 2006 4:25:29 am - Subscribe

Mood	\|	spent
Music	\|	Hate [I Really Don't Like You] - Plain White T's

So I guess recently I've started to go on a downward spiral. Everyone has their moments. It is always hard to admit to oneself that you need help, but even when you do, its harder even to know where to go for that help. Or then you realize that you don't want help. You have gone so far down a path that you have decided that you are happy on the path, and no matter how many people tell you that its dangerous.

I'm addicted. The websites. The pictures. The tips. The ideas, the motivation. I guess its basically the more pressure that gets put on me, the more pressure i put on myself. The more pressure i put on myself the more i realize i'm not coping. So maybe this is it. this is my way of coping. I can handle this. I could say i wont cut anymore. I wont feel the need to cry all the time. I will be happy. but even I know thats not true.

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Temptation

Dec 1st, 2006 11:11:07 am - Subscribe

Mood	\|	Subdued
Music	\|	Metro - Vincent Black Shadow

You are innocently sitting with your two mates at one of their houses, watching House, and you see a blade laying on the floor, and, your mind switches over, its like you don't even notice anything around you anymore, all you see is this blade laying on the floor. As covertly as possible you reach down and grab that blade sliding it up your sleeve so that your friends wont see you as you pick it up and put it in your bag. It consumes your mind, suddenly just the want to feel good, the want to feel better, the want to feel that blade run along your skin. You get home, and first guilt runs through your head. Will they notice? Will they know that the blade is gone? Will they wonder where it got to? Will they think to ask you?

Then as you pull the blade out and look at it you suddenly see all your pain disappearing, all your promises to yourself gone, you lay it down, and start to cry. You are confused, now knowing what to do, what the right decision would be. You tell yourself, one more time. Just one more time, just this one more time to help you get through the night. And you surrender to the power of that blade held in your hand.

Just for one more time...

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Take me away

Nov 26th, 2006 2:27:05 am - Subscribe

Mood	\|	Upset
Music	\|	Walls - Emery

I got awoken around 2:40am by someone i hardly know telling me that someone i kinda know is going out with someone i dont know, and he is in love with her. Having to get up for work at 3am, im less than pleased at being awoken, and dont reply til after 3. I replied with my condolences to which he laughed in my face and said "what, huh? nooo no... this was a year ago" okay... so.... WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TXT ME AT 2:40AM TO TELL ME ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED A YEAR AGO...

So, overtired but ontime, i arrive at work to realize i forgot my hat and apron, both being rather important things in a bakery, Steve rushes off to get me a new set [cos he is nice like that] I quickly realize on my first break that im running out of drink and i have no money... so i txt my father, who i know is going into town, and ask him to drop off my drink, a few hours later, my second break comes around, im majorly dehydrated, extremely hot and tired, and i collapse into my car [where i like to sit on my break on warm days] to realize, my drink isnt there. so i txt my father who says "oh sorry i forgot" but doesnt offer me any way of getting a drink in the near future... infact pretty much doesnt care. 6 hours and no drink later, im almost in tears from the pain of having to slice bread for 6 hours, i collapse into my car and drive home. My parents arrive, and i calmly ask my mother what on earth possesed her to adjust the length of my trousers when i had clearly told her not to. at which point my father startes to yell and scream and swear at me.

Im shocked and angry, and immediately say to him, calmly, "we dont swear in this house" to which he throws something at me, tears out my internet router, disconnects me and walks away, screamed and swearing once more. My mother tries to console me with a "he was already angry" "it wasnt your fault" but deep down... its just another scar.

I get my internet back up, just for him to scream at me some more.

The last few weeks he has been angry, cos i never let him touch my arm. or even be close to me, i never hug him anymore, or even hardly look or talk to him. he complains that we arent close like we used to be. and doesnt understand why i dont want to be close to him.

but its times ilke these when i just want to leave when i want to get away and never come back. its the scars that are keeping me away from him. how can i be close to him when im constantly waiting... preparing myself for the next time he will hurt me...

Im terrified. of him.

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Loneliness...

Nov 24th, 2006 4:20:32 am - Subscribe

Mood	\|	Upset
Music	\|	Slow Bleed - Thousand Foot Krutch

Its like this...

Come December i will be housesitting, alone for almost a month including christmas. I wont have internet, my cellphone will have stopped working altogether by then, and im working the day before and the day after christmas on 4am shifts. which means going to bed around 6pm and getting up around 3am. Just to make my christmas seem extra exciting, my mother announces that, the whole family [aunts, grandparents, uncles etc.] have all discussed things and decided that there is no point in giving anyone presents anymore and so nobody is.

And then i remember that its almost a year ago that my boyfriend broke up with me, and... i promised myself that i wouldnt be single this year for christmas.

Oh great, not lets add all this up again

Working
Living Alone
No Internet
No Cellphone
No Christmas Presents
No Boyfriend

Yep, i can definately see a "merry" christmas for me.

next year my family will announce im not even invited for christmas lunch.

Oh but wait... thats right.... IM ONLY 17 YEARS OLD ITS NOT LIKE IM GROWN UP

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Blue hair and sad wishes

Nov 20th, 2006 7:24:07 am - Subscribe

Mood	\|	upset
Music	\|	Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

So i dyed my hair blue. shockingly, awesomely, permenantly bright blue. and im more proud than anyone can imagine, its given me a confidence that i havent had in a long time.

After all that had happened with lisa i spose i ought to be upset, and just forget about anything, but working in the same place as her, it just doesnt happen. im surrounded by her everywhere i turn. she is there, telling people things, people go from being friendly to ignoring me. and, i should let it go, i should just pretend its not happening, but its hard to pretend when if any single one of them knew the truth then it wouldnt be me they were ignoring. and i could do it, i have the power, to make her life a living hell. but i dont, and yet she continues. i really just dont understand what ive done to deserve this.

when was i a bad person? when did i do the wrong thing? when in the months, and even years that i stuck by her side even through what she was doing, even through her using me, i stuck by her, when did i earn this treatment?

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Searching For Answers

Nov 3rd, 2006 9:50:13 am - Subscribe

Mood	\|	Cold
Music	\|	Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

Life is so unpredictable...

A word, a sentence, a hug, a smile. Fall in love, Fall out of love. Hate, anger. Everything is complicated. Everything is confusing. Nothing makes sense. They all tell you its part of growing up, they all tell you that this too shall pass, but you know, you just know that this isnt normal. You know there is something more. There must be something more. A deeper reason, a bigger meaning. Search. Dig deep.

Its like sitting in a dark room, locked up, screaming and screaming and screaming, but no one can hear you, no one is listening. For miles around you there are normal people going around living their lives. Kids going to school, parents fighting, people getting jobs, people losing jobs...but for you time stands still. You kneel down lay your hands by your side and tilt your head towards the roof, looking up you let out one last cry...Will anyone listen. Does anyone hear. Is it part of being young, to be ignored? Not trusted? When are you "old enough" for people to notice you...when are you "old enough" "mature enough" "good enough"

Is this all we are here for, to walk around like endless souls. Like robots. programmed to just do things. No matter how much it hurts, no matter what happens, we keep going. And... we think we have the answer. all by ourselves. We just see the answer there. We say we can handle things, but who wants to handle things alone?

Without love none of us would be here today, so where is our love. Teen suicide. Where is their love? Murderers. Where is their love? Rapists, Druggies, where is their love?... If these people know what it was, if these people understood what they were here for then would they be the same as they are now? Or is the reason the way they are because they dont know what they are here for. And because they dont know, they make their own way, except they cant do it. They cant. They think they have the answers, but they are wrong.

But if we all knew the truth, if we all knew, then not any single one of us would ever be upset again...

But thats never going to happen... Is it...?

But you know thats where we come in. If youth is the future of the world, then this world is screwed. I mean people say that the way things are going when we are adults we wont be able to afford houses. well you know what, the saddest thing is, our kids probably wont make it to adults. Because this world is so screwed up, they think things are bad now, but without making a change then nothing is getting better is it? But when is it time to make a change, how many people have to die before the world goes into panic.

And that whole time there is that one person who suddenly see's, and suddenly understands, but kneeling there in that room, head tilted upward, screaming out for the last time, just hoping, praying that one person heard, that one person heard that could make the difference. And collapsing down on the ground. and ending things there just for another to take up where we left off.

Its time to scream your heart out until someone hears you, until someone realizes...

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Writing again.....*shrugs*

Oct 25th, 2006 9:18:59 pm - Subscribe

Mood	\|	lost
Music	\|	To The Moon And Back - Savage Garden

Im not sure where this is heading.. or if its even heading anywhere.

Her eyes slice through the dark like a sharp knife, rain falling like a thick blanket, wind tearing through the trees. Looming ahead the outline of a building, A small light, swinging violently in the wind, shines out faithfully, guiding the way. Weary, cold, and wet, she pushes on, eager to get to the comfort of the building ahead of her.

Pushing open the heavy wooden door, she instantly is overcome by tiredness, and barely manages to push on. Her eyes heavy, and her body weak, she searches cupboards, and rooms, for a bed, and some blankets. One room leaps out to her, seemingly to invite her in, she feels warm and comfortable, finding a blanket in the closet she curls up on the bed, and closes her eyes. Sleep takes over.

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Teach me not to fear

Oct 18th, 2006 7:33:27 am - Subscribe

Mood	\|	serious
Music	\|	Ill Be Your Crying Shoulder - Goo Goo Dolls

I guess its gone on awhile. its hard to see where it started, but its even harder to see when it will end.

For so long, all ive felt is like a screw up. not good enough. worthless. fat. ugly. and for as long as i can remember ive been treated that way. I could blame people, but Ive treated myself that way. I cant pin blame on any one person.

I could blame my parents, for fighting. I could blame my ex for ignoring me in public and making me feel horrid. i could blame another ex for ditching me cos "my sisters hotter than me." I could blame my sister for being thin, but none of that is going to get me anywhere. None of it is going to make me feel better.

All i know is that the fear i hold, is greater than anything ive felt before. fear of love, fear of change, fear of FEELING. fear of losing.

but in being afraid, it causes me to make bigger mistakes, tell bigger lies, and do more things that i promise myself i never should...

when you constantly get asked certain things, you soon begin to think thats al you are worth, and if thats what its gonna take to keep friends, to stay feeling secure, no matter how much it hurts for some reasn you go with it.

When does it change? How does it change?

How can i learn to trust again? Myself....as much as anyone else

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