When *he* asked me out he said we would make it work, he said not to worry, that no matter what it was that we could work through it. He told me he loved me, and he wanted it to work. He said he loved me. When he started on drugs, i accepted it. I didn't ditch him, even though everyone around me told me to. I didn't give up on him when he ignored me for two weeks, and then when he suddenly asked for his jersey back after not speaking to me, i accepted it and just let him be. When i got sick of this i asked him what was up and he said we had to end it. That it wasn't working. That he loved me but it wasn't going to work. He said he loved me. *love* doesn't give up. Love. If he loved me he would make it work.

What did i do wrong? Why am I not good enough.

This evening i started cutting again. This time worse than before. i felt so out of control. Like i really couldn't stop, and when i had finished, it was only then that i realized what i had just done. Overdosed on some painkillers, covered up my wrist, and told myself no one would notice my smeared makeup, and the blood on my jersey.

People noticed

Nobody helped me. Nobody offered to help me. No one asked what was wrong.

I just want to be loved. To know what i did wrong. For the first time in my life i felt like i had really met someone who i could imagine being with for a long time. someone i wasn't afraid to be myself around. Someone i wasn't ashamed to be seen around. Someone i wanted to tell everyone about because i cared about him so much. Someone who's family i wasn't afraid of. Someone's who got on with my family.

Why do i always screw up?

m honestly so upset right now. I just don't know what to do.

When i first started going out with michael things were so perfect. And i just wanted some security in my life, and things felt so right with him, so i guess i became attatched far too quickly. But you know when he met my whole family, when he introduced me to most of his family, i just felt so at home, and comfortable with him and our relationship. I guess when he met all my mates, and ps. phil, and said they were cool, i felt realy encouraged that maybe this time i had found someone who i could stay with for even awhile.

When he ditched me and started ignoring me i knew drugs were involved, but when he told me, and promised he wouldnt any more, i felt hope... and then he said he would make it up to me, and said he would come on wednesday, and i felt even better, but when he turned up stoned, i felt like i had died. And so when he apologized the next day, and really made a break through and promised me that it really wouldnt happen again, i really felt like he could be serious.

Now ive just got suspicious again. hearing that he is with ben, knowing taht he isnt talking to me, it just terrifies me. and upsets me more than anything because i really felt like i had finally found someone that wasnt going to hrut me. I just feel like im not good enough. that ive done somthing wrong. that ive screwed this up for us. I just felt like somehow this one was right, and now he isnt talking to me, and i havent seen him, and i just want him so bad.

i really felt like god was saying it was right. and now i dont know whats happened.