Im not sure where this is heading.. or if its even heading anywhere.

Her eyes slice through the dark like a sharp knife, rain falling like a thick blanket, wind tearing through the trees. Looming ahead the outline of a building, A small light, swinging violently in the wind, shines out faithfully, guiding the way. Weary, cold, and wet, she pushes on, eager to get to the comfort of the building ahead of her.

Pushing open the heavy wooden door, she instantly is overcome by tiredness, and barely manages to push on. Her eyes heavy, and her body weak, she searches cupboards, and rooms, for a bed, and some blankets. One room leaps out to her, seemingly to invite her in, she feels warm and comfortable, finding a blanket in the closet she curls up on the bed, and closes her eyes. Sleep takes over.

I guess its gone on awhile. its hard to see where it started, but its even harder to see when it will end.

For so long, all ive felt is like a screw up. not good enough. worthless. fat. ugly. and for as long as i can remember ive been treated that way. I could blame people, but Ive treated myself that way. I cant pin blame on any one person.

I could blame my parents, for fighting. I could blame my ex for ignoring me in public and making me feel horrid. i could blame another ex for ditching me cos "my sisters hotter than me." I could blame my sister for being thin, but none of that is going to get me anywhere. None of it is going to make me feel better.

All i know is that the fear i hold, is greater than anything ive felt before. fear of love, fear of change, fear of FEELING. fear of losing.

but in being afraid, it causes me to make bigger mistakes, tell bigger lies, and do more things that i promise myself i never should...

when you constantly get asked certain things, you soon begin to think thats al you are worth, and if thats what its gonna take to keep friends, to stay feeling secure, no matter how much it hurts for some reasn you go with it.

When does it change? How does it change?

How can i learn to trust again? Myself....as much as anyone else

Im over family life.

Every tiny little thing turns into a screaming match between whoever is involved at the time.

My sister eats out with her boyfriend most of the time, so she insists that she shouldnt have to wash dishes. BUT she has eaten here, and used dishes, so my mum wants her to dry the dishes. So she starts screaming at my mother about how unfair she is (SHE IS ALMOST 19 YEARS OLD) and so my mother starts screaming at my FATHER about how my sister and I wont do anything and so my father starts screaming at ME to do the dishes. but im sick, and dont want to put up with it, so once again i zone out, and stop listening. My mother then, decides to go on "strike" not wash, or dry the dishes, and not cook either. This doesnt worry me, cos its not like i was gonna be eating.

My father comes home and has to make himself tea. he is hacked off, and starts once again yelling at ME to do the dishes, even tho, i cant even stand up without collapsing cos im SICK. My mother gives in and washes the dishes, and pretty soon every bench top in the house is covered in washed dishes that need drying and putting away. My sister comes home and starts complaining that she has nowhere to do anything...at which point my mother goes mental and tells her to put some of the dishes away, my father once again hears, and gets pissed off and leaves, then, my sister says, just freaing hurry up and make christien do them, you are her mother, not the other way round, and im sick of coming home and not being able to do anything.

At which point i feel like killing someone, because i havent eaten here in five days, and so if she shouldnt have to do them then neither should i and she has used more dishes than me anyway, besides that i already know taht im gonna end up doing them because in the end i always end up doing them because my sister wont ever do them and my mother is too afraid to fight her. so i dont even know why anyone is fighting cos everyone knows in the end i will clear up the dishes, and cook tea, and vacuum, and do everything else, and everyone will be oh so happy again for another three seconds.

Life is so up and down these days.

Lets quicky re-cap on the last week
(this could get me into trouble...i hope people have stopped reading my blogs)

Thursday:
I didnt have my car, so i went to napier with kirstin. that was a good time.

Friday:
Didnt do anything much, wasnt in much of a mood, even youth group was a drag. wait...not that thats anything new

Saturday:
Sat around and slept mostly. Tired and just not in a good mood.

Sunday:
Work...My friend took party pills.

offered me some.

Monday:
realized what a screw up i had once again become

Tuesday:
created enemies

Wednesday (today):
wondered how i turned back into the person i was a a year and a half ago

In all seriousness i know how this started, and once again i know where it will end....but will it end?

Every day is like a huge test, and every day i fail that test and im getting more and more frustrated and angry at myself for failing that test that each and every day i break a little more. and i fall a little more, and the less i believe in myself the worse i do.

No one seems to unerstand what i go through on a daily basis. like living at home...

no one understands at all. when i write about death, its because there are times when i wish i was. i can go through tuns of stuff, and still have a smile on my face, and still act like nothing is wrong. and still fool people.


This explains me better than i will ever be able to explain to people
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

parent SCREAMING you fill in the blank with latest mishap--"WHY DID YOU DO_ _ _ _ _?!?!?!?!?" you -- " I don't know." and you truly mean it, you don't know. Then they begin to rant and rave, you retreat inside...the eyes are still open but you're on a different planet, they go on forever and then something in their voice clicks a switch you know there running out of steam and about done and so you come back the present reality and do one of two things either play it cool as you can and try to get out of the area or before you know it you smart off at them or try to defend yourself and it kicks off again...when you're finally able to disengage you stomp off fuming that nobody understands you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Its just so hard. when people treat you like you intentionally didnt do something, when you genuinely have no memory of it.

im so angry, and humiliated, and pissed off and hurt.


I was talking to a friend today, and he arent particularly close, and sometimes his language offends me, but we got on okay.

today while i was on cam he saw my sister and he she went away, and when she went away he said to me
"hey bitch, your sister is hotter"

it juswt made me so angry and upset and hate myself so much

Its been so long since ive been here.

Its 3:35am and im just heading out the door for work, im exhausted, and cold, and i was at a party last night, too which has left me feeling a little extra tired considering i didnt get an early night like was planned.

I should take some painkillers, but i feel ill, and cant stand the thought of swallowing anything, so i will stay in pain until 7:30/8:00am my first break. They say "Take with food" but ive never had a problem. Besides, those replacement drinks practically are food...


My time has run out, so im off to work...

So, in a very...spur of the moment, decision, i decided to move to auckland, 6 hours from here.

I FINALLY get around to telling my parents, and they are totally fine with it. but every single other person ive told (bar one or two) has basically told me not to go, that it would be stupid, that bad stuff would happen, and that i would end up moving back here in no time


does nobody believe in me?

i feel more alone right at this minute than i have in months.

Actually...its me that has the power...but thats a funny story for another day.

Work is getting harder, i know how to do everything therefore im expected to do everything in a very short space of time, which is almost impossile. My legs, bad knee, and feet are aching, and ive got to get up at 3am for work again...so someone remind me again WHY i chose work in a bakery?????

eh. so i have a "meeting" tomorrow. my parents just want to throw me to a counsellor and give up, and its only been five days since they found out. already my mother has overstressed, told me she never should have had kids and been totaly madly angry at me.

I was terrified of them finding out...and now...