Archives: May 2008, June 2008, July 2008, August 2008, September 2008
My Blogs Next Page


cambion Back Pedaling - Subscribe
Of all my greatest social pet peeves the act of back pedaling is by far one of the worst. We're humans and therefor prone to making mistakes. Even the most kind and loving of us will eventually fall prey to their natural feelings of anger and resentment and act upon them in an undesirable way. We can not watch our emotions and actions constantly and we will eventually end up saying or doing something that hurts the people we care about and in the case of back pedaling more often then not it was undeserved. Such unintended cruelty is fine so long as the aggressor is willing to admit their mistake and apologize for it, and if the victim is a true friend and cares as much about their aggressor as they claim then they should have no problem forgiving. Of course this is assuming that the nature of the incident is mild. A harsh word here or there. Worse circumstances however might not be so difficult to smooth over.

Yet it seems that very few people are willing to admit their mistakes and apologize for them. It seems as if the majority would rather die then admit their imperfections and that they're prone to hurting those closest to them without meaning to. Indeed instead of admitting their faults they would either deny that they ever did anything wrong ( which is reprehensible in and of itself ) or they will attempt to back pedal.

They will claim that, that wasn't what they meant, that it was merely a joke, that they weren't being serious, that it was taken out of context, that the person is being over sensitive and they didn't mean to be that serious. They almost seem to place blame on the victim and their lack of ability to understand 'what was really said' while making themselves out to be the real victims of circumstance. It's far more reprehensible then just trying to brush it off as if they haven't done anything in the first place.

People need to start learning to take responsibility for their actions. If you make a mistake then you must admit it and take what punishment you will for your actions. If I get a ticket for speeding then it's my own fault for breaking the law and not the officer who is doing his job ( reguardless of any hostile conduct he might show while doing it ). Likewise if I insult a friend either without meaning to or on purpose I need to take responsibility for that. I must admit that I was the one in the wrong and I should be the one to deal with the consequences of my words and actions. I'm tired of seeing fools trying to pawn off their cruelty and incompetence on others. This goes far beyond just friendship as well yet I would prefer to hold off on that for another time. This is about back pedaling and there is a whole other tangent I could go off on taking responsibility. In the end back pedaling is just a way to avoid that which is what makes it so angering.
0 Comments
Mood: annoyed
Currently Reading: Lord of the Flies ( ISBN: 0-571-05686-5 ): Watching: Law and Order

cambion Rage Jun 6th, 2008 5:26:28 pm - Subscribe
A sickening feeling has started to form in my gut that I'm beginning to lose control. I feel like my anger is getting worse with each passing day, with each negative moment, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I once tried to suppress it and ignore it, but it's gotten so bad that it's constantly in the forefront of my mind. I tried meditation and other relaxation techniques to control it, but I could barely sit through a few minutes to let it work without going on a rage filled tirade over one thing or another. Finally I attempted to accept it as part of who I was and part of what made me human, but that was more or less like adding gas to the fire and before long I found myself getting angry at every little thing that I saw or that happened to me. I have a bloody need to crush and destroy something and often times I feel if I could just crush the life out of one living thing with nothing, but pure malice and hatred as the reason I would feel better, but I'm aware that's not the case. And even so I couldn't bring myself to harm an innocent to quell my rage even though I find myself lashing out verbally at anyone who would be stupid enough to give me reason to.

I never remember being this angry when I was a child. I always thought that I was a fairly happy and easy going person until I got out of elementary school and that's when it all started. Anger at the bullies who tormented me, anger at the teachers who seemed to stupid and incompetent, anger at being forced to attend an institution that I didn't even care for and didn't think was doing me any good, anger at a changing world that I couldn't control, anger at feeling powerless and hating myself for it. And as I grew the list got larger and larger until finally it seems that there are very few things that keep me calm anymore if anything at all. I want to rip my skin off. I want to rip someone else's skin off. I want to smash my computer, break out TV, and destroy everything around me. I want to find an outlet, something I can use this rage for before it becomes consuming.

Is this what being an adult is? Is this what growing up is all about? Learning to deal with all of these overwhelming negative emotions that threaten to bury who you really are? Trying to tame demons that seem so much stronger and more resilient then you? Because if so then I think Peter Pan had the right idea in staying a kid forever.

Also I enjoy how they have every emotion under the sun including schizophrenic listed as an option, but decided to forgo the basic emotions of sadness, anger, and happiness. Seems to make the whole thing rather idiotic and pointless.
0 Comments
Mood: angry
Currently Reading: Lord of the Flies ( ISBN: 0-571-05686-5 ): Feeling Disgusted

cambion Getting Bitten Jun 10th, 2008 11:59:02 pm - Subscribe
You think that working with dogs the way I do I would be more appreciative when my animals were gentle and good natured rather then mean spirited and vicious. The truth is though that I'm more nervous around the 'good' dogs then I am the 'bad' ones.

When I see the bright orange sticker on an animals file that says May Bite is a small source of comfort. That one little sticker tells me all I need to know about the animal. I'm aware that if I touch it or look at it wrong then it will try and hurt me. I'm aware that it's mean and will defiantly turn on me if I don't watch myself and take precautions to protect myself. Without that sticker I'm flying blind.

Even the most good natured dog has a weak point. They have a tick that sets them off and changes their behavior. For some it's their feet, for others their face, still others their stomach or back or tail. Some dogs don't like being brushed others don't like being shaved, but reguardless of which it is there is always something that a good natured dog doesn't like and each of them deal with it different. That's where the problems come in. I can always trust a mean dog to bite me when it doesn't like something, but I can't always trust that a good dog won't. There's the issue of predictability that can make a situation more nerve racking. Over time I've learned to ignore that risk and take it as it comes, but there are other aspects of life where the same principals apply, but are much more difficult to ignore.

I don't trust the police, and I take the same attitude with them as I do with dogs. When it comes to criminals I know that they're out there to hurt me. I know they wish to cause me pain and take what isn't theirs be it something as simple as money or objects or something more severe like my life. I can trust their actions and intentions to be about the same, but what about the police?

They start us out little telling us that the police are our friends. That we should trust and honor them and that as long as we don't break the rules ourselves we have nothing to fear from them, but as we grow up we learn that isn't completely true. We learn that police like the rest of us are human and there are good ones and bad ones. There are ones that fulfill their jobs and obligations with respect and integrity and there are those that allow the power and control they gain to get to their heads. There are those that become police because they wish to help people and put away the bad guys and there are those that want to wear the badge because they want legal power over other human beings.

Of course I don't wish to be taken the wrong way. I don't view all police as bad. I don't see them as unnecessary and I don't wish for them to be disbanded. I'm not raging against the machine and other then one police who was a jerk while giving me a speeding ticket ( which I will fully admit was my own fault and no one else's ) I've never had a bad experience with an officer of the law. Rather it's the exact opposite just about every cop I've had a run in with has been very kind and helpful towards me. However I take the same stance with officers, and really anybody with more power then me, as I do with my dogs. I trust that for the most part they will be good and helpful towards me, but I'm aware that they're not perfect and not gods and eventually I will encounter one that will try and bite me. I should never give them my full and unconditional trust and should never let my guard down around them no matter how kind they seem unless they have proven themselves to me. I think there are only two police officers that I know that have done this to my satisfaction both of whom have helped me and my family since we first moved here from giving us a hand when our heater broke in the middle of winter to aiding me during my first car accident.

Just remember that the thought should not be complete distrust, but trust with caution and awareness.

And on a last note excited is another word that they probably should have listed, but for some reason don't.
0 Comments
Mood: excited
Currently Reading: Lord of the Flies ( ISBN: 0-571-05686-5 ): Watching Without a Trace

cambion Little Dahlia Jun 11th, 2008 7:46:16 pm - Subscribe
Recently I once again braved the waters of motherhood and in celebration of an apartment that doesn't require a deposit to own animals I bought a kitten from my local vets office that I had, had my eye on for some time. A beautiful little medium haired, tabby colored kitten that I have lovingly named Dahlia.



Her mother came to our little clinic as a stray undernourished and uncared for with a litter of kittens ready to be born. One of those kittens was my precious little Dahlia and from the moment they put her in the front cage for adoption I knew that I had to have her. She was spritey and playful, a very kind cat that loved people and purred whenever you so much as looked at her. Immediately we started to bond and every day before and after work I would go to her cage, retrieve her from her brothers and sisters, and spend what little time I could playing and loving on her.

However it was a bitter sweet connection as I knew that eventually the poor little dear would be adopted out to some family that wouldn't love her half as much as I did already and there were no other kittens in the bunch that interested me. Even if there were I had no place to take them as my parents were not to into a full time commitment of having a kitten in the house and I was sure that any apartment I would find would have a strict no pets policy or it would be expensive to keep one.

I can't tell you how excited I felt when I realized that the apartment I had finally chosen had a landlord that didn't care if you kept cats in the rooms and didn't require an expensive deposit for the animal so long as you agreed to pay for any damages that they caused. Immediately I scooped her up, dubbed her Dahlia ( a tribute to one of my favorite unsolved murders the case of The Black Dahlia though not to be confused with the movie that I haven't seen ) and took her home to acclimate her to her new surroundings. She took to our home like a fish to water and with my parents good graces since they knew that she would be leaving the same time that I did.

I have to say that there is no greater feeling in the world then having something so small and precious to love and care for. To have something depend on you and need you so fully to love it and keep it safe. To tend to its every need and make sure that it wants for nothing. I never want my precious little Dahlia to feel unloved or unwanted nor do I wish to ever see her suffer the same neglect that her poor mother did ( who thankfully now has a good home with one of our techs ). I have every intention of giving her everything that she could want and have the thrill of knowing that in return I'll have her love and acceptance and the knowledge that she's happy and healthy. It's such a strange and wonderful feeling to want to keep something safe. To keep something loved.

Now I just have to find the energy to keep up with the little bundle of fuzz.
0 Comments
Mood: affectionate
Currently Reading: Lord of the Flies ( ISBN: 0-571-05686-5 ): Chasing her kitten

cambion Wasted Time Jun 14th, 2008 2:11:45 am - Subscribe
There are very few excuses that I accept for people being late to appointments or in some cases just never showing up. My time is valuable. My time is money. And the only person in the world who should be allowed to waste it is me. When I get up at 8:30 in the morning and go into work I'm not doing it for my own health and enjoyment.

There are countless other clients that I could be seeing at that moment. There are other people who could be offering me their money in return for my services and I could have accepted any one of them. Yet I didn't. I accepted one person and put all others aside so if that one person doesn't show for their scheduled appointment that means that I'm out for the income of that slot. It means that I got up when I didn't have to, wasted gas when I didn't have to, and sat around twiddling my thumbs while waiting when I could have been doing a thousand other more productive things.

Being late is also an inexcusable act. If one is late it can set me back and give me undo stress and aggravation, again wastes my time, and the chances I could have used on a more reliable client or doing more productive things.

Of course life throws lemons your way. There are some things that can not be helped, but most of the excuses that I have been thrown have been deplorable.

~ There was heavy traffic / I was stopped by every light on the way / There was an accident / Insert other traffic related gripe here

I'm sorry, but I do not accept this as a valid excuse. When I make an appointment I am sure to give myself plenty of time to get out of the door and drive to where I'm going. Traffic problems are very common and one thing that you should always account for. Even if you end up having to wait a little longer for getting there earlier it's better then putting back the person who was kind enough to offer you their services and a chunk of their life when they could have been sleeping in that day or seeing other clients.

~ My alarm didn't sound this morning

I don't care. I've had the power go out in my house and my alarm fail me in the past yet I still manage to wake up and you know why? Because it's another simple problem that one should account for. Set two alarms, arrange for a friend or relative to call you and wake you up, set the alarm on your cell phone if you know you have an appointment the next day that you need to keep. How in the world do these people survive in the working world anyway? I can't imagine that your boss would forgive you if you tried to pull that excuse for being late why do you think it should work for me?

~ I forgot

Get a calender or even a piece of paper and a pen and stop whining. It's not that hard to remember a date and time. And if you forget before you can get home and write it down don't guess. Call the place. I don't know about other places, but I'm more then happy to remind clients of the appointments they hold for me. I'll even call people the day before their appointment to remind them assuming they didn't make it that previous day.

Or in my case if you're really bad about remembering times wake up early and call them to remind you. I know that tomorrow I have a vet appointment, but I can't remember if it's 8 or 9 so I plan to wake up at 7:40 ( the vets is only five minutes away ) to ask them which it is. If it's 8 I'm up and ready on time and if it's 9 I got back to sleep for an hour.

~ I couldn't find my cat/dog this morning ( in case of animal related appointments )

Again I don't care. I've never had this problem. If I know that I have a vet appointment the next day I make sure to find the animal that's going and put them somewhere where I can easily get to them the next morning. It won't hurt your cat or dog to be locked up in a room for one night. And it's not as if their litter box, food dish, or water dish are nailed to the floor and can't be moved.

Of course there are valid excuses for being late or not arriving. Emergences are one. No one plans to have an unexpected emergency and I would never fault someone for being late or missing an engagement due to one nor would I fault them for not thinking to call. If a loved one has a heart attack or breaks their leg the last thing on your mind is going to be to cancel all your previous appointments.

Unbreakable engagements are another. There are some situations that we simply can't get out of even if we had prior ones. However in this instance I have trouble forgiving people who forget to call. If someone you know needs you to pick them up from the air port when you're supposed to be getting your hair done you can't exactly leave them there, but you should at least have the basic human decency to call your stylist and cancel your other engagement. Don't just not show up.

Car troubles I guess fall into emergencies though in this instance, assuming it isn't an accident, it's always polite to call the place and inform them of what's going on and that you're either going to be late or not arrive at all. I've actually had this happen to me. Someone made an appointment, but called me thirty minutes before informing me that she couldn't get her car to start. While I might have already gotten up and headed into work for her appointment I was able to go home and get more things done that day rather then wait around for an hour ( hour and thirty if you count the fact that I arrive at least thirty minutes early ) for someone that wouldn't show. She gave me all the notice she could and that's all I ask of people.

I'm a generally lazy person. I like doing things on my own time taking however long I please. Unless I feel that something is important enough to merit immediate attention or I truly enjoy what I'm working on I won't put much effort into its completion. However while I have no problem wasting my own time when I see fit I would never waste that of another persons. It's not in my place to do so and it's incredibly rude and callous of me. I make sure that I don't do it very often, but being human I do slip and when that happens I don't try and make excuses for my actions. If I'm late or don't show up it's of my own fault and there's no reason for it. I just wish that others took the same consideration for me. I wish that I didn't have to threaten to block clients because they miss so many appointments without informing me thy're not going to show.
0 Comments
Mood: tired
Currently Reading: Lord of the Flies ( ISBN: 0-571-05686-5 ): Taking Pictures