Rage
Date: Jun 6th, 2008 5:26:28 pm - Subscribe
Mood: angry
Currently Reading: Lord of the Flies ( ISBN: 0-571-05686-5 ): Feeling Disgusted
A sickening feeling has started to form in my gut that I'm beginning to lose control. I feel like my anger is getting worse with each passing day, with each negative moment, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I once tried to suppress it and ignore it, but it's gotten so bad that it's constantly in the forefront of my mind. I tried meditation and other relaxation techniques to control it, but I could barely sit through a few minutes to let it work without going on a rage filled tirade over one thing or another. Finally I attempted to accept it as part of who I was and part of what made me human, but that was more or less like adding gas to the fire and before long I found myself getting angry at every little thing that I saw or that happened to me. I have a bloody need to crush and destroy something and often times I feel if I could just crush the life out of one living thing with nothing, but pure malice and hatred as the reason I would feel better, but I'm aware that's not the case. And even so I couldn't bring myself to harm an innocent to quell my rage even though I find myself lashing out verbally at anyone who would be stupid enough to give me reason to.
I never remember being this angry when I was a child. I always thought that I was a fairly happy and easy going person until I got out of elementary school and that's when it all started. Anger at the bullies who tormented me, anger at the teachers who seemed to stupid and incompetent, anger at being forced to attend an institution that I didn't even care for and didn't think was doing me any good, anger at a changing world that I couldn't control, anger at feeling powerless and hating myself for it. And as I grew the list got larger and larger until finally it seems that there are very few things that keep me calm anymore if anything at all. I want to rip my skin off. I want to rip someone else's skin off. I want to smash my computer, break out TV, and destroy everything around me. I want to find an outlet, something I can use this rage for before it becomes consuming.
Is this what being an adult is? Is this what growing up is all about? Learning to deal with all of these overwhelming negative emotions that threaten to bury who you really are? Trying to tame demons that seem so much stronger and more resilient then you? Because if so then I think Peter Pan had the right idea in staying a kid forever.
Also I enjoy how they have every emotion under the sun including schizophrenic listed as an option, but decided to forgo the basic emotions of sadness, anger, and happiness. Seems to make the whole thing rather idiotic and pointless.
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Back Pedaling
Date: Jun 2nd, 2008 7:31:50 pm - Subscribe
Mood: annoyed
Currently Reading: Lord of the Flies ( ISBN: 0-571-05686-5 ): Watching: Law and Order
Of all my greatest social pet peeves the act of back pedaling is by far one of the worst. We're humans and therefor prone to making mistakes. Even the most kind and loving of us will eventually fall prey to their natural feelings of anger and resentment and act upon them in an undesirable way. We can not watch our emotions and actions constantly and we will eventually end up saying or doing something that hurts the people we care about and in the case of back pedaling more often then not it was undeserved. Such unintended cruelty is fine so long as the aggressor is willing to admit their mistake and apologize for it, and if the victim is a true friend and cares as much about their aggressor as they claim then they should have no problem forgiving. Of course this is assuming that the nature of the incident is mild. A harsh word here or there. Worse circumstances however might not be so difficult to smooth over.
Yet it seems that very few people are willing to admit their mistakes and apologize for them. It seems as if the majority would rather die then admit their imperfections and that they're prone to hurting those closest to them without meaning to. Indeed instead of admitting their faults they would either deny that they ever did anything wrong ( which is reprehensible in and of itself ) or they will attempt to back pedal.
They will claim that, that wasn't what they meant, that it was merely a joke, that they weren't being serious, that it was taken out of context, that the person is being over sensitive and they didn't mean to be that serious. They almost seem to place blame on the victim and their lack of ability to understand 'what was really said' while making themselves out to be the real victims of circumstance. It's far more reprehensible then just trying to brush it off as if they haven't done anything in the first place.
People need to start learning to take responsibility for their actions. If you make a mistake then you must admit it and take what punishment you will for your actions. If I get a ticket for speeding then it's my own fault for breaking the law and not the officer who is doing his job ( reguardless of any hostile conduct he might show while doing it ). Likewise if I insult a friend either without meaning to or on purpose I need to take responsibility for that. I must admit that I was the one in the wrong and I should be the one to deal with the consequences of my words and actions. I'm tired of seeing fools trying to pawn off their cruelty and incompetence on others. This goes far beyond just friendship as well yet I would prefer to hold off on that for another time. This is about back pedaling and there is a whole other tangent I could go off on taking responsibility. In the end back pedaling is just a way to avoid that which is what makes it so angering.
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Anonymity
Date: May 31st, 2008 2:39:16 am - Subscribe
Mood: agitated
Currently Reading: Lord of the Flies ( ISBN: 0-571-05686-5 ): Playing on Youtube
The anonymity of the internet has become one of our greatest tools for the expression of unpopular opinions and allowing us the freedom to express ourselves without fear of persecution from those who would wish to cause us unfounded harm. Yet as with everything that humans do indulgence is taken into excess and excess soon turns into ignorance.
Ignorance that believing just because we are hidden in the shadows that human decency and civility should be thrown out the window forgotten as we tear to pieces those we feel deserving of our scorn. I can not even begin to describe the ugly scene that major forum, chat, and video sites have become because of the sheer number and stupidity of its users.
They are indiscriminate of their prey. Ravenously they sink their teeth into anything that moves caring little one way or another for how it would taste. Anything from innocent children who never had the opportunity to alter their circumstances and should be helped and held up so that they may flourish into productive and maybe even exceptional members of society to fellow fools and idiots who deserved the misfortune that has come upon them and the scorn that they are presented with. It is ludicrous to treat the performer who injuries himself in his act the same as one would treat the fool who became injured trying to break into another's home. Yet this is exactly what is happening and it is far beyond sickening.
Their attacks and jeers are not even executed in a graceful manner. I can say there is nothing more amazing then watching a natural predator hunt down and kill his prey. I'm particularly fond of the skill and efficiency used by piranha while taking down their food. Yet seeing these internet junkies there is no vicious beauty in their words nor grace in their insults. Children could be far more cruel, and execute that cruelty far better then most of these hacks.
If these fools were to be ripped from their shadows, torn from the safety of their anonymity, I would love to see how long they would last against a being who truly knew how to break a persons soul. For without those shadows these people would be nothing more then rotten husks, yipping dogs trying to puff themselves up to look bigger then they actually are. They are the true beings in our society that need to be brought down and ripped out as if nothing more then a disease.
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Breaking the Cage
Date: May 30th, 2008 3:51:23 pm - Subscribe
Mood: changed
Currently Reading: Lord of the Flies ( ISBN: 0-571-05686-5 ): Reading
Since I was old enough to string two words together I've had a talent for writing. Not speaking so much, but given adequate time to think and an open word document I've always been good at expressing my thoughts, feelings, views, and painting a rather vivid picture for anyone who read my work. Over the years I spent my time developing these skills mostly through poetry and short stories, entering various contests and winning a good deal of them. My English teachers encouraged me and my family gave me ample support to perfect my talent.
Yet as with anyone blessed with any sort of skill I felt like it was squandered. Our inadequate school system here in America attempted to cage the skills I had worked so hard to learn. To force it into a small box that better suited their desires and needs for sheep like conformity rather then diversity and creativity. There was a plan, a structure, a format and anything outside of it was wrong, wrong, wrong! A slap on the hand for anyone who dared to say otherwise.
Few of my teachers struggled and fought to help me, and others like me, from folding over with the pressure. From inside their own little boxes ( for the students are not the only victims of public schools herd like mentality ) they would push us and provide us with whatever resources they could scavenge to remove the poison slowly being injected into our thinking processes. Unfortunately for me it wasn't enough.
Through my own cowardice, self defeat, and ignorance I drove myself to my own destruction and allowed the poison to control me. I lay down in my nice little cage and let them close the latch effectively killing my ability and desire to write. But that was then, and this is now, and I'm tired of the slob that I've allowed myself to become. I'm ready to break out of this cage and regain what I once had. My hope is that with this blog I may practice my rusty skills and regain what I allowed to be taken from me.
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