Rage
Date: Jun 6th, 2008 5:26:28 pm - Subscribe
Mood: angry
Currently Reading: Lord of the Flies ( ISBN: 0-571-05686-5 ): Feeling Disgusted
A sickening feeling has started to form in my gut that I'm beginning to lose control. I feel like my anger is getting worse with each passing day, with each negative moment, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I once tried to suppress it and ignore it, but it's gotten so bad that it's constantly in the forefront of my mind. I tried meditation and other relaxation techniques to control it, but I could barely sit through a few minutes to let it work without going on a rage filled tirade over one thing or another. Finally I attempted to accept it as part of who I was and part of what made me human, but that was more or less like adding gas to the fire and before long I found myself getting angry at every little thing that I saw or that happened to me. I have a bloody need to crush and destroy something and often times I feel if I could just crush the life out of one living thing with nothing, but pure malice and hatred as the reason I would feel better, but I'm aware that's not the case. And even so I couldn't bring myself to harm an innocent to quell my rage even though I find myself lashing out verbally at anyone who would be stupid enough to give me reason to.
I never remember being this angry when I was a child. I always thought that I was a fairly happy and easy going person until I got out of elementary school and that's when it all started. Anger at the bullies who tormented me, anger at the teachers who seemed to stupid and incompetent, anger at being forced to attend an institution that I didn't even care for and didn't think was doing me any good, anger at a changing world that I couldn't control, anger at feeling powerless and hating myself for it. And as I grew the list got larger and larger until finally it seems that there are very few things that keep me calm anymore if anything at all. I want to rip my skin off. I want to rip someone else's skin off. I want to smash my computer, break out TV, and destroy everything around me. I want to find an outlet, something I can use this rage for before it becomes consuming.
Is this what being an adult is? Is this what growing up is all about? Learning to deal with all of these overwhelming negative emotions that threaten to bury who you really are? Trying to tame demons that seem so much stronger and more resilient then you? Because if so then I think Peter Pan had the right idea in staying a kid forever.
Also I enjoy how they have every emotion under the sun including schizophrenic listed as an option, but decided to forgo the basic emotions of sadness, anger, and happiness. Seems to make the whole thing rather idiotic and pointless.
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