in times of serious crazies i tend to throw an entry down on my old friend, Aeonity.
the sparse manic entries that i scribble
i miss writing, i want to write
I recently subjected myself to an ordeal of patience, compassion and enlightenment.
"Be careful what you wish for," or some variation of the proverb.
Enlightenment whooped my ass. Exhausted physically and mentally. Stability has been a day to day, hour to hour mystery.
Anxiety can strike like those expensive military drones. A missile of fast breath, tight chest and confusion.
I think anxiety is a respectable opponent. A dirty weapon, not to be underestimated.
Those peddling fear know the power of anxiety.
Fortunately, though, fear is hollow.
Pushed back by the flame of a pure heart. Shattered by the piercing blow of sharp intellect. Softened by compassion. Defeated with patience. Outwitted by simplicity.
Fear has no place in my life, cast aside with hope. Neither have substance, and I will not cling to either.
Been up late for too many nights in a row and I feel pretty damn tired finally. I hate when things catch up to me. I run run run, push push push, try to get away with as much as I can.
Pushing limits of my sanity, society and political correctness on a daily basis.
It isn't that I am extremely active and busy, I just cannot get the rest I require even for my lazy lifestyle.
Anyways, although much of my current physical status is due to lack of sleep I am also guilty of a few things I want to change. I need to eat healthier, stop smoking and exercise.
Typical things most people want to do, things that I need to do. My body has changed in the last 2 years and it bothers me more than I let myself think.
Step 1: Get proper rest. If I could get my sleep schedule straight I would actually have time for eating better and exercising.
Those three things would help my life so much, physically and mentally. It would make the bi-polar more friendly too.
I have had a nauseating vortex of thoughts lately. I cant focus but I ponder over fleeting ideas for a few moments before the next idea or distraction.
I guess I am coming to accept that bipolar is real. I am doing pretty great the last few months though. I have learned how to do this without medication pretty well.
I decided that it is part of who I am and I don't want to take pills to change that.
Writing my thoughts seems to be an effective way for me to cope. The things I wouldn't burden a friend with or don't care to discuss with people I know can be thrown off into the void of the netz. Sure some people I know might read it but it's on their own time and effort. I can be sure I am not being a downer to them.
As soon as I can concentrate again I want to plan a day to take photographs somewhere. Not sure where yet but I need to take more pictures.
I will be 23 years old in a month and a half. A sense of urgency to take more steps towards my goals is grabbing hold.
I feel motivated to pursue my goals now that I am less upset over the premature ending of what I thought was a nice relationship. I was her first boyfriend so I was silly to think we would make any real connection after all I've been through.
But that motivation thing. I am having non stop day dreams about photography, my media company I am working on and it excites me.
I need to go go go and realize some of these dreams once all the holiday madness dissipates.
Normally I am not hostage to the festivities but my life has become so social as of late that I am low on energy and time for myself.
Time to regroup and re-focus on what I love.
..and everything felt good until I fell asleep. There in my dreams I was vulnerable and haunted by the painful memories of bad things that never happened..
...another piece of my heart handed away. The hole left behind to be filled by her love. Instead darkness sinks in, cold tendrils of despair tighten. For it isn't her that the boy desires now...it is a longing to love and to be loved...
Never been led on this bad.
I knew better but I fell for her anyways.
The saddest part?
I will let it happen again and again and again with each girl I fall for.
Where are the girls that are meant for guys like me?
...or is that just a dream I will chase to my grave...
Well it's that time of year again.
Friday nights are pretty low key around the apartment. For me it's the end of a long 6 day work week. I would say I look forward to enjoying my day off (saturdays) but it's always the busiest day of the week.
Getting a new bed delivered, need to do some shopping to support the economy, er...christmas.
OH....and I am going to meet my girlfriends parents. This has never phased me in all my life....until now. Usually I get away with meeting a girls parents the first few times in passing...a few brief chats when i pick a girl up for a date.
This event is some sort of making cookies and hanging out for the day shit and its a bit of a thing because her sister is in town for the holiday.
WHO WILL BE MY GET AWAY DRIVER?!
No good excuses lined up for leaving if I get awkward. I guess it's because i have been feeling pretty 'emo' the past few days and not interested in chatting up parents.
WISH ME LUCK. I'm sure my charm will kick in. It always does.
For sake of simplicity I use Safari.
It has a nice little favorites bar.
This Blog is on that bar.
It's crazy how I can see something everyday and not really notice it or give real thought to it.
Today was weird for me. I convinced myself of something silly. But I held to my decision about silly thoughts like that, which is not to get carried away by them.
Go figure that I was right and that i was thinkin crazy thoughts. Closer and closer to handling my feelings I am.
Soon my roommate will be home. Hello Duvel Golden Ale and dicking around on my iPhone.
Well, Open Office should be downloaded by now (Was super slow to getting it on this comp). Going to update the good ol resume and get busy.
Money is the only thing I like more than women or myself...and the best thing in the world is all of those things together at the same time!
|i know it's been over a year since i last wrote. so it would seem i am already gone..and in lots of ways i am. i really enjoy looking back on my entries of who i used to be from time to time...and other times, my own writing and pain disgusts me. it's strange...yet feels so normal. i've moved on in so many ways so even though i love this place for giving me a secret place to voice all my thoughts, my pain, and my secrets...i think i may be ready to start writing again. for the sake of people i know reading what i write. a place where my picture shows up as well as my first name and they know exactly who is writing that entry. for me, that place cannot be this place. this place holds my many secrets from my past...and through this place i met many ppl, who most likely...like me have moved on. so i am moving on and getting a new blog finally, one i will share with others...but this one will always hold my past, my anger, my hurt, and my pain...i will forever miss this place...but i will be back, time and time again...to look back on my past and who i used to be. thank you for being there in a time of my life when i needed it...and for saving this part of who i used to be...i look forward for the first time in my life, to what the future may bring for me..|
Past week has been interesting. I went and talked to a couple mormons yesterday, they seemed interesting. Basically they said that the book of mormon is not an addition to the Bible, but they didn't say it was part of it either. It's mostly about how after Jesus died and was resurrected, he came to "the americas" and taught the natives about him so that everyone could know about Him. The Book of Mormon states that when you read it and pray, God will show you the truth about whether or not the book is true. I don't know what it is, but every time I read that book it sort of freaks me out. It's a feeling I get, more than anything. Something tells me that that phrase is the only right one in the book of Mormon.
My mom freaked out at me when I told her that I talked to them. She threw a fit and told me "as long as you live under this roof you will not associate with mormons!" I laughed. That strikes me as so ridiculous. I get a craving to learn more and more about God and faith, and she freaks out and tries to stifle me.
As far as my faith goes, I know that the Bible is the ultimate truth, the ultimate authority. Anything that contradicts it is wrong. Exploring my options is a healthy thing to do, as long as I am grounded in my faith. But who knows, maybe I'm not grounded. My faith seems to be evolving by the day... I know very few people like myself who share my same beliefs. I have no problem dropping an F-bomb and I smoke cloves occasionally, but I won't kiss until marriage or participate in anything even remotely sexual.
|Not really sure how to start this. It's more of an emotional thing than a physical thing. It doesn't make me feel better as much as people say. It's more accurate to say that it makes me feel nothing. I am numb. Sometimes for a few hours, and if I'm lucky, the rest of the night. But there is a difference between feeling nothing and feeling peace. Peace is a specific feeling, similar to happiness, but mixed with serenity. Numbness is never a good feeling, but it's not that bad of a feeling either. I'm done with this.|
I've been busy. No clue where to begin.
Today is day 103, woot me!
I was praying today in chapel at SU and just talking with Him about how sexually frustrated I am. I felt Him telling me to strive for Him even more. I only have a little bit more time before she enters my life, and when that happens, my spiritual life will not be my own. When I start dating someone, it's going to be completely based on Christ, and I feel like our spiritual lives will merge. He told me to enjoy where I am now. The privacy of my spiritual life. Also, I'm not going to have to search for her. He's bringing her to me on a sliver platter. Hell yeah, I'll have to work for it, but... I won't have trouble figuring out who.
I also posted this as a FaceBook note:
Burn The Church
Wednesday, March 25, 2009 at 2:57pm
Hear me out before you stone me.
Television is a freaking god in America. People use it for everything, especially as information source. They watch the news and political shows and base their political beliefs on what they see rather than getting up off their lazy asses and doing their own research. Read? Who wants to read when I can just sit there and watch information be fed to me?
The problem is that TV is a tool controlled by other humans. Other humans decide what to broadcast and what to hide. Because of this, they can make the TV say virtually almost anything they want, giving a heavy, but often unnoticeable slant to any information broadcasted. They can choose to broadcast the good parts or bad parts of the Iraq war. They decide whether or not there were WMDs. They create their own reality based on a few seconds of film footage and a cheap script, and a huge amount of people accept anything the news says, no questions asked. They don't want to put out the effort to do their own research.
There are so many similarities between TV and The Church. Many people I know go to The Church on sundays and are spoon fed their faith, then spend little or no time in the Bible the rest of the week. They're too busy during the week to do their own reading, so they go to The Church once or twice a week to catch up. Unfortunately, The Church is also a man-made system, a human organization prone to error. There is no deity in The Church. And much like TV, The Church can twist the Bible to make it say anything they want.
I was reading through 1 Corinthians a couple nights ago...
"Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." Ever heard that before? I've heard people quote that passage and use it against swearing, drinking, smoking, gaging ears and piercings. Later on in that chapter, it talks about how the body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, which is another verse that is used against smoking, drinking, tattoos, etc. But every verse in between and after those two verses is about sexual immorality. It says nothing about drugs or tattoos.
One huge problem I have with The Church is that, rather than basing their beliefs upon the Bible, it often develops its own morals based upon a mix of cultural rules and ultraconservative traditions, then looks to the Bible to defend its views. It's so backwards.
Here's what I'm talking about: According to (much of) The Church, it's a sin to drink alcohol. Forget moderation, any consumption of ethanol is sin (tradition). Gluttony on the other hand, isn't even talked about, and obesity is completely acceptable. Forget the fact that the risk of heart disease is multiplied tenfold along with a multitude of other health problems, it's culturally unacceptable to talk about weight publicly, so it's avoided (culture). On the other hand, using, or even purchasing any tobacco products is a terrible sin partly for the health reasons, and partly for the possibility of addiction (tradition). Caffeine however, is also quite addictive when not used in moderation, and a huge amount of churchgoers are completely addicted to coffee. And it's completely acceptable in The Church (culture).
Homosexuality is another subject that frustrates me in The Church. While part of The Church completely accepts the active homosexual lifestyle (which is complete horse shit if you've read 1Cor 6), the majority completely condemns any homosexuality and will have nothing to do with those who practice it. Homosexuals are completely cast out of the church. At the same time, sex outside of marriage is looked down upon by The Church, but often tolerated (especially of older unmarried adults). It’s all sexual sin. Where is the consistency?
Another thing that frustrates me is that The Church’s whole focus seems to be on where you’re going when you die. “You need to believe that Jesus died for your sins and be a good Christian or else you will go to Hell. And you’d better stay good because you never know when you’ll get hit by a truck!” This whole going to Hell theory is based upon a three word phrase in Revelation: lake of fire. Have you ever read Revelation? It’s that weird ass book full of symbolism and metaphors, which are wide open to different interpretations. Personally, I believe that going to Hell is something that The Church blows way out of proportion.
For me, my faith isn’t about avoiding hell and getting to heaven. My faith is about living a fulfilling life and serving Christ. It’s not about saying a magic phrase and spending two hours a week in a special building for the rest of my life so I can get “saved” from hell. There’s so much more to it than that. It’s about loving people. Loving God. Learning about forgiveness, grace, power, justice, and peace. Heaven and Hell aren’t even on my radar. I have no clue where I’m going when I die. I’m not worried about it either. Once you realize what life really is supposed to be about, heaven and hell kind of fade in comparison.
I went to The Church for like 15 years of my life. I stopped going because I got bored. I didn’t enjoy it. That right there should be a red flag. If you’re not enjoying your faith, there’s obviously something wrong with it. For me, the idea of rejecting The Church scared the crap out of me at first. I mean part of me almost feels like I switched religions or something since my life now is so radically different than 5 years ago. It’s easy to follow the crowd along with these cultural and traditional rules. Breaking out of that a couple months ago was super scary at first, but I’ll never go back.
I feel like my faith was completely wiped out and I have go back to day 1. Everything I knew about God and the Bible was filtered to me by The Church. Reading the Bible without that filter is like reading a whole new book. My body as a temple doesn’t necessarily mean avoiding anything I don’t like. Divorce isn’t an option (don’t even get me started about divorce in The Church). I’m not supposed to tolerate sin amongst brothers, even if it’s culturally acceptable. Pressing on towards the goal takes on a whole new meaning.
So that’s about it. My own personal 95 thesis. The Church is a sham. A ludicrous, hypocritical sham.
Jenna Curato likes this.
Amy Saito at 6:48am March 26
So much of what you say reflects what I have seen in the church as well. Any time you get a group of people together, there is going to be inconsistencies, failures, mistakes and just really stupid stuff. The American churches need to STOP taking verses out of context. Part of it, as you pointed out, is due to our culture. We like everything bite sized, including our theology.
Without critical thinkers in the church, however, what will happen to the church? do you think that as people who see the disparity between church and the Bible leave, the state of the church worsens?
Cory De Silva at 8:27am March 26
so. what you should do Chad is found a really strong relationship with God yourself---just you and him. It sounds like you're doing that. Once you've got a great, powerful relationship, then you need to surround yourself with powerful Christians who will raise you up, keep you accountable, and strengthen you in the lord. I agree with much of your thesis: especially the obesity, and the drugs thing as well as some of your church stuff but at the same time, a man can't do it alone. I don't care how strong you are in the Lord. You have to be around strong Christians who are doing the real thing. Otherwise you will fall away. I've seen it time and time again. "Where two or more are gathered..." there the Spirit of the Lord is (I forget the verse). You should at least be part of an on fire home group for Christ if you're not going to go to Church that meets every week. Another thing that Church can do is keep you updated at what God's doing in the world around us. Be connected in some way.
Chad at 12:05pm March 26
Cory: I think the verse you're looking for is in 1 Corinthians 5. The entire chapter is about expelling the immoral people in The Church who claim to follow Christ (swindlers, sexually immoral, idolaters, etc). The Spirit of the Lord is present, giving them power to throw hypocrites - people who continue to live in sin regardless of the teachings of the Bible - out of the church. Although I don't think this verse is in the correct context, I do agree with you fully that believers getting together is vital to the survival of each person who follows Christ.
Chad at 12:20pm March 26
Amy: As far as what will happen to The Church? I think it needs to be completely torn down and restructured. As far as church politics go, I'm not a complete anarchist, but I am an antifederalist - that is, I don't think one man should have too much power. I don't think a bunch of believers getting together to listen to one man interpret the Bible for them is what Christ had in mind when he established The Church. Bible studies are excellent ways people can connect to God on their own time, then come together with other believers and discuss what they read and how to apply it to life. Bible studies encourage STUDYING the Bible. From my experience, Church sermons spoon feed you what the pastor wants.
I think it'd be great if people came together on Sundays in worship, but then broke off into consistent small groups afterwards and studied the Bible. The entire congregation would be encouraged to study the Bible throughout the week, and contribute on Sundays...
Chad at 12:21pm March 26
The relationships developed within the small groups would be so much deeper than the "turn to your right and to your left and greet the people next to you" philosophy that many Churches have adopted. Accountability partners could actually be found. Going to Church would be a learning, interactive experience, rather than sitting there and listening to some guy talk for 40 minutes. Did you know that in college after 30 minutes of lecture, the student brain is paying attention to less than 50% of the lecture? Instead of the focus of the entire congregation being on one man (who, all in all, is only human and just as prone to fail as any of us), the entire focus would turn to the Bible. The Word of God instead of the words of man.
Amy Saito at 12:47pm March 26
dude that's genius. I love that idea. all of those ideas.
Cory De Silva at 2:42pm March 26
i don't know what the verse is. Maybe that's the one. I like your ideas, however dark and cynical they may be.
Megan Flores at 10:04pm April 5
I really like this,Chad...although you already told me what it says before I read it
I agree with pretty much everything you've said, and I'm happy to know that I'm not the only one who's been questioning the church as it now stands.
Read Hebrews 10:19-25 (the one I was trying to find early this morning, lol). These verses, for me, are the reason I don't agree with the church, but can't abandon the idea of church. Verses 19-23 talk about God being the one and only way. Jesus made the final sacrifice, so that the priests who used to offer sacrifices are no longer necessary. Jesus has become our one and only "High Priest" over the House of God. As Christians, we draw near to Him. Verse 23 says "Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering;(for He is faithful that promised).." The way that church-goers go into a church and listen to their pastor and then depart to continue putting other things above God in their lives, is what I'd consider "wavering".
Megan Flores at 10:28pm April 5
I don't believe that God has called us to perfection, but He HAS called us into a deeper relationship with Him, as individuals, not depending on other Christians, or on a pastor, or on a program, or sermons. His Word is continually pointing us to our need for a direct, and open, and unwavering hunger for God. Meeting every sunday has become so ritualistic for sooo many "Christians" that it is comparable to the sacrifices that were made routinely before Christ made the ultimate sacrifice, wiping out our need for the sacrifice of animals.( Hebrews 10)
Verses 24-25 talk about our need for fellowship with other Christians, something that we're told not to "abandon". To me, I can't give up the IDEA of church because of the way we're told to meet together, to motivate and encourage one another. Looking at today's church though, it's become about other things, and so my idea of church remains just that...an idea.
[You: "I think it needs to be completely torn down and restructured.]
It caused a bit of drama with my family, but I meant every word of it, and I'll never turn back.
I burned all my stuff that had to do with Dana. It wasn't much... a sickeningly sweet
thank you note for taking her out for her birthday, the stocking, and candy. It wasn't a bitter feeling or anything. It was burning my ship to Tarshish. I swore that night that I'd never turn my back on Christ again. It was freaking awesome.
Lately God's been telling me to respect authority, which has been rough. I wanted to go drink with a couple friends, but I'm not 21. I'm going to Simpson next semester, so I'll have to give up my cloves. Mostly just a bunch of small rules that I don't like following. But I'm working on it.
So that's where I'm at now. I'm happy. Very happy.
I suppose I'm well overdue for an update.
Another girl has entered my life. Girl I work with. She's beyond gorgeous, makes easily twice as much as I do, and is 23. But she doesn't exactly hold the same beliefs as I do and doesn't practice abstinence. So if we did end up together I'd give myself less than a week before the whole abstinence thing got thrown out the window haha.
So that's not an option... mostly because I know I've been called not to date right now. But still, it's been a struggle fighting it off. I almost asked her out the other night. That would have been dumb as shit. And I know it makes me a total douche, but I'd pretty much be the biggest pimp ever if I dated two different servers at my work =P
I haven't struggled s at all lately, which has been really nice. My main struggle hasn't really even been not asking her out. It's been not dwelling on the thoughts of doing so, or being with her. I find myself often speculating about how I would go about asking her out, where I would take her, etc. But this isn't good at all to think about, since I'm doing my best NOT to let that happen.
Had an odd dream about Dana last night. We were on my couch and she kissed me and told me that it wasn't working out with mike. I ended up making out with her. I pray for the best for her, I honestly do. Every part of me hopes she'll find Christ. I almost feel arrogant saying this, but for some reason, something in the back of my head tells me someday she'll call me up and want me back. For her sake, I hope she never ends up like that, but if she does, at least I'll be prepared.
I'm finally to the point where Dana isn't on my mind constantly. Daily, yes, but not on an hourly or minutely basis. I suppose time does help heal. I realized today that I only have like three weeks left until I hit day 92, which is the longest time I've ever gone without any sexuality. Crazy. Here I come.
I have a lot of things on my mind, and I need to write them out so I can deal with them logically and one at a time.
Biola: I want to go next semester. But it's probably a better idea to finish my AA then transfer there rather than just dropping everything I'm in the middle of and signing up. After this semester I'll have nearly 60 units, but a lot of them are biology and chemistry units, which I won't be using. So I don't know if that means I need to get more classes that are geared towards psychology or what.
I want something new. I almost feel like I'm running away to Biola. Maybe if I completely separate myself from everything I know and am familiar with, I can grow in Christ unhindered. Maybe I'd be more at peace without having to work with Dana or deal with the haunting memories I have in certain places with her. Living on my own with other men and women of Christ, on the beach, studying psychology... ah, how it sounds like bliss. *sunsets on the beach*
I have a few things I want to do before I hit Biola. One thing that would be nice is if I sold my MacBook Air and got the new MacBook. It's a lot more well balanced computer and more realistic for a student. This is purely a desire though and in no way a need.
One thing I NEED to do is stack up a bunch of money. My car will be paid off a year from now. Books are pricey and I highly doubt I'll be able to get a job down there where I get tipped. Once I hit Biola, my expenses should be almost nothing, especially if I leave my car in redding. Tuition, rent, and food will all go on loans o.O. So I hopefully should do ok financially.
Deanna: ah, I want to help her so much. But I can't if she doesn't want to commit to Him. We're going on a walk tomorrow, and I'm planning on asking her if she's fully committed or if this is just a halfway thing. But I tend to rarely stick to a plan, so we shall see what happens.
I might sell my wii. It's started to be a hindrance to my walk with Him and my motivation in general.
I have homework and I'm tired. But all I want to do is think about and plan for Biola. Damn.
So apparently when I'm not close to God, I avoid blogging too, since that forces me to look at my life from a spiritual perspective. I have quite a bit to catch up on.
I strayed from Him. I just got busy and lazy and stopped journalling for several days. I was watching a movie a couple times and I should have looked down at certain parts, but didn't, which fueled my sex drive even more. But the other night I picked up my Bible, got bored within 5 minutes, so I went on a walk with Him, in the darkness, wind, and rain. It was beautiful.
I prayed for Deanna mostly, and texted 5 other people to do the same. She needs Him so much. It pains me to see her struggle with the same pain I did mere weeks ago, but on a larger scale. I texted back and forth with her for an hour or so afterwards, just sending messages of encouragement, which were returned with depressed, and once even hostile responses. She said God can't take all her pain away. I know that's not true. Letting go of pain, anger, and sadness isn't easy, but I've seen Him move mountains and wipe out armies with a blink of an eye, so I know that it is possible. I just wish I could somehow show her that.
...I have no doubt that she likes me. But I can't fall into a relationship with her. That's not the position I've been called to be in. At least not now, not for a long time, if at all. I'm not even really tempted. I just can't see us together like that. But I have so much love and compassion for her. I want to be there for her, but I know that if I'm constantly there, she'll become dependent upon me instead of Christ, which would destroy any meaning of me in her life. I text with her frequently, but I only want to meet with her a couple times a week to make sure that doesn't happen.
Andrew and Peta... two of my best friends who are dating. They make out, which I'm not a huge fan of, but that is between them and God, so I refrain from making too much noise. But Andrew told me the other night that Peta said she wouldn't care if he felt her up. I pretty much flipped out.
That was the single aspect of the relationship between Dana and I the burned me the most. It fucked me up beyond words. Getting sucked into an addictive sexual relationship, then having it instantly cut off was devastating on my mind and heart. There's no way I'm letting my best friend get sucked into this.
As for Peta... I don't think she understands how guys work. I was pissed as hell at her for a bit, but then I realized that it was pure ignorance (I don't mean that to be condescending). Her mom is a crackhead and her dad died of cancer a couple years ago, so I can't really stay mad at her for not understanding how guys think.
So I talked to Andrew, and he's going to talk to her about that soon. I'm not leaving him alone until he does haha.
I'm limiting my time on my Wii. It became a distraction over the past week. One hour a day, at most, and not until I've spent time with Him. Damn that makes me feel childish... setting limits on how often I play video games... -_-
I might go down to Biola next semester as a psychology major. They make really good money, so student loans won't be that much of a hindrance. I'm prayin about it. That would give me such glee.
I was on the bluff watching the sunset an hour ago... I randomly decided to text Dana to tell her to look at the sunset. Within five minutes she showed up. That was freakin weird as hell haha. I guess she was driving by and knew where I would most likely be, so she dropped by. We talked for a half hour or so. It was good. I get more and more comfortable each time we talk. I should pray for her and Mike.
Praise Him. He is good.
Sweet girl. So after day 50 I backed off quite a bit. I didn't want to get too close and lead her on or anything. I didn't actually see her until last night.
We were hangin out at Jay's house. Movie night or something. It was more like hang out time with a movie in the background. There were half a dozen people there, and the only one I really knew was Deanna, so I spent most of the time talking with her and hanging out on Jays couch. One thing lead to another, and we ended up cuddling for a while and she fell asleep in my arms. It felt damn good to sleep next to someone again. And all the while I had that nagging voice telling me not to pursue her.
We woke up around 5 am or so... mostly because the couch was pretty uncomfortable. We both sat up and stared at the heater for a few minutes. I knew why I hesitated to return to the same position, but was curious why she was as well.
"What happens now?" she asked.
I told her I wasn't ready for this. That I had just gotten out of an unhealthy relationship a couple months earlier and was still dealing with the pain it had brought me.
She told me she had just gotten out of a relationship a month ago and was doing the same. Turns out that she's going through some of the same shit I am lately. She got cheated on. She got too physical with him. She went back to him when she knew she shouldn't. The difference between us is that she is holding on to her hate, and I have let mine go. My first instinct was to try to help her leave that behind, but she said something that made me realize that her bitterness is the very thing that is keeping her from going back to him.
I don't think it's healthy to harbor bitterness. But it's odd to think that that is the one thing that is keeping her from going back to him. I guess my best plan now is to pray for her healing, as well as mine, pray that we don't get sucked into co-dependency, and pray that I can show her His love.
I'm going out with her tonight. I'm probably gonna show her a blog or two about what happened between Dana and I so she gets the full gist of the situation. From there, I have no idea what to do. I'm bringing my Bible. Speaking of which, I need to pick that book up more often. I don't feel dependent upon it anymore, which makes me uneasy.
Well, it's 12:01. Today was day 50. No sexual contact with anyone or anything. I honestly never really thought I would get to this point.
I've realized that I'm not invincible. As long as I stay close to Him, fighting temptation becomes much easier, but if I leave His area of protection, I can be swept away as easily as I was a few months ago. This makes me nervous because the past few days I haven't been very close to Him. I'm going to read my Bible after I finish this.
I met a girl a couple weeks ago. She's cute, sweet, wants to adopt, and gives back massages. I also have that specific, constant feeling in me that says DON'T PURSUE HER. Her name's Deanna. Deja vu, eh?
I took her out last night. It was a pretty stupid idea. All my other friends went to bed because they had homework and stuff, so I texted her and we met at Denny's and ate food. I ended up paying too. I didn't really mean for it to be a date, but it sorta turned into that. She texted me later that night and thanked me for dinner and said she had a great time. Ah... I'm gonna back out of that one like there's not tomorrow. (wait, that makes no sense... lol)
My own humanity fascinates me. I jerk off, and I feel good for mere seconds, then I feel like shit for a while and it's not worth it. Then I repeat it over and over. You'd think after once or twice I'd learn. Same with this situation. Another Dana is coming right at me and I know it. And yet, I'm actually tempted to continue on like this. Amazing. I'm still feeling some mild repercussions from my last relationship that I knew wasn't right, and yet here I am, thinking about starting this whole painful process over again. Even rats can learn by shock therapy. What is it in me that makes me want to screw around when I know I'll bleed from it later?
I got some powerful imagery in my head today.. not sure where it came from. I realized that when I ran to God, He set me on fire. That's often used as a positive thing in the church... being on fire for God, share light with your fire, or whatever the hell they say these days. But for me, it wasn't some glorious experience or spiritual high that left me feeling fantastic or light headed.
Being set on fire was painful. It burned. My heart ached. Ever watched a movie where they soak someone in gasoline and light a match? Yeah, that's pretty much what it was like. True, everything that was not of God was burned away, but the heat from that fire still scorched my skin and bones. And as the weeks passed, there was less and less hatred, lust, and sickness to burn away, and the fire eventually died down. Hell, I felt like all that was left was my inner core, a small fragment of humanity that had been lost and forgotten about. Spiritually I pretty much had to start from ground zero.
But now that most of the pain is gone, I have a new life. I'm not the same person I was 2 months ago. I'm not controlled by my lust. I'm not driven by my greed. I'm not a slave to my lazy nature. I'm driven by Christ. I've developed a passion for Him. I want more and more. I go to chapel at Simpson and bethel whenever I can now, because I hunger for Him. I love Him.
I can clearly see why I felt moved to start up my blog once again. Seeing Him move into my life, wipe out everything that was, and build something completely knew is so... mind boggling. It's good to go back and look at the individual days and see where He helped me and when He carried me.
Yes, in His great mercy, He lit me on fire. But I was not alone even while I suffered. He was with me every step of the way. Even now I feel His presence. I love Him.
This was supposed to be a 10 minute blog. haha... I'm going to watch the sunrise in the morning... assuming it's not rained out. We shall see!
So I was in my psychology class, and my professor was talking about how we live in a very sexually repressed society.
I also remember reading somewhere that sex is generally healthy and good for stress relief.
So this got me thinking... is a life of abstinence truly healthy? On the other hand, my past semi-sexual experiences have fucked me up pretty good, so I'm at an impass. Even if I was to abandon my faith and my abstinence, I have no clue who I would screw with. Casual sex just doesn't seem like my type of thing. But maybe it would be if I tried it. Who knows.
I'm glad I didn't think about this a couple months ago.
Past few days have been ok. I realized last night that I'm slowly slipping back into that lazy stage where I do nothing productive and don't listen for God. I did nothing yesterday. Nothing. So I decided today would be different. I did some homework this morning, and now I'm gonna go meditate for a bit before school at 11.
I hate tuesdays. It's the very end of my weekend. I work wednesday through saturday. I'm not a huge fan of the shack anymore. Loads of memories with Dana which I'm trying to burn from my memory. After all, that is where I first met her, talked to her, where we hung out a lot, etc. God help me through these four days.
He's calling me. I gotta go. Maybe I'll post more later.
God grant me a passion for you.
I was watching braveheart the other night... it's a damn good movie. In the first half hour or so, William's father and brother are killed, and he is forced to leave everything he knows and loves to follow his uncle.
At first he fights the idea of leaving his home. But that night he has a dream. In his dream, he is with his father. His father looks over at him and says,
"Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it."
His uncle teaches him to become a great leader. A great warrior. One who fights with passion. One who will not back down, even when vastly outnumbered.
Praise the Lord, O my soul, all my inmost being, praise His holy name.