\'your anesthetic voice
Date: Jan 2nd, 2006 6:17:10 pm - Subscribe
Mood: bipolar

is autographed
upon my bones'

this is my vow
for the new year
and for the rest of my life:
i will not live my life like her.

there has always been
that one person
in my life.
she was always there
to be a downer
and to bring negativity
into my life
as well as everyone else
around her.

by seeing her utter disrespect
for others,
i have learned the
true value of respect
watching her bring people down
makes me want
be able to be
a more positive person.
watching her lie
and live a life so terribly trite,
i have learned that i want
always to be an honest person.

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i didn\'t write this
Date: Jan 1st, 2006 8:12:27 pm - Subscribe
Mood: changed

this isn't mine, but
it was written by
an amazing person
that has inspired me
to an extent that cannot be
illistrated with words.

"2005. Thanks for the memories, please move along
If I really pause to think about the past 12 months of my life, it's easy to get lost. What a war of a year; every second of it. 2005 has lingered in a way I didn't know time was capable of. Still, these slow seconds have reinvented my world and everything in it. When I got sick and my body started to go I kind of stopped looking in the mirror. There was something about watching myself change so dramatically in such a short time that made me wish I hadn't ever seen my own reflection. Today though, I took a good look. I surveyed the damage; Three scars on my chest, one from the catheter that dangled below my left collar bone for several months, the other two from when I became so sensitive to the tape used to bandage the catheter site it finally pulled the skin away in two spots of my sternum. The scar on my right arm from the semi-permanent IV that delivered my first 6 days of chemotherapy and countless blood transfusions. My nails, a few of which have split or are splitting in the middle. A band of red skin that begins in the center of my torso and wraps completely around my right side to the center of my back where the shingles once staged their attack on my nervous system. My feet aren't so swollen anymore, but they are mostly numb from the cyclosporine I take daily to mitigate the engraftment of my new stem cells. I'm thin, very thin. Still, in the short time that has passed since these wounds were inflicted they are healing...noticeably. Below the splitting nails are new nails, strong and clear. The scars and redness seem to fade a bit with each new day or at least I don't seem to notice them as much. I have re-grown most of my hair. My beard is thick with blonde, red and white hair. I'm no longer bald, though I tend to hide my head below a knit cap because the transplant has made me hypersensitive to the cold. This transformation is like being born with a memory. A memory that will ride with me everywhere I go. And with these memories of such crazy days I woke up in a new year this morning. I drove to the harbor, which has served as my touchstone for nearly ten years and I walked. I walked more than a mile today. An accomplishment that may seem small to many, but in light of the past months was a lot like completing a marathon that I had trained my whole life for. Walking there today, something struck me. People. More people than I had ever seen there before. Walking dogs, reading, taking pictures, sucking up sea salt and life like they had just discovered it for the first time. I realized that a new year really gives people hope. For a second it felt like a civilization was waking in the face of my brutal year. Who knows if they'll keep on returning to the harbor as the Sundays pass through this New Year, but I hope they do. Today I felt like a part of something awesome, the human race. I know it can be ugly; it really is in so many ways. But today there was nothing ugly to see, just people trying to be better. And maybe that’s the key. Not resolutions and forgotten promises, but instead a commitment to do this year a little better than the last. I'm feeling good about this one. I really am. "

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\'say hello to good times\'
Date: Dec 31st, 2005 3:42:04 pm - Subscribe
Mood: a little bit sore

resolutions, anyone?

mine (if anyone gives a shit):

- Learn to be more accepting.
- Travel someplace i've never been.
- Stop buying leather products all together.
- Try not to lose my temper with people.

'i always believed
in futures'

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\"you whispered softly
Date: Dec 30th, 2005 5:34:21 pm - Subscribe
Mood: dancy

in my ear
'the birth of morning
is on us, dear' "

Earl Grey tea
and a little bit of sunshine
this morning.
goodness, i have never seen
so many pop-ups
attacks my computer all
at once.

i think it might
rain a little tonight.
and when the birth
of morning
is upon me
the sky will be a soft grey
and the cement will be
just a shade darker
than usual.

i had the strangest
dream last night.
it was a very simple concept
yet incredibly difficult for me
to put into words
for you.

but what i remember is
i was by a fire
like a campfire
i felt protected
by a stranger nearby
and safe
for no apparent reason at all.
i didn't know that person
i don't think i could
even recall what his face
looked like.
i just remember
that i felt like somebody
was there to protect me.

what is there to be
about today?
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