An entry
Date: Aug 6th, 2009 11:57:25 am - Subscribe
Mood: depressed
We took a ride on a boat over Lake Windemere and to Ambleside for a walk. On the way back, it was cold so we went to the lower deck, leaving my family up top. He noticed something was wrong and asked. Eventually I said something along the lines of "I don't ever want to feel how I did before". He promised that I wouldn't because he'd always be here for me, to make me feel wonderful, to stop me feeling like that.
I need him now. I could phone him but I can't afford a huge phonebill this month, my parents are keeping tabs each time I run over my contract. I just spent purged, not vomiting, but excessive exercise. It made me feel better... for like 5 seconds. I just need someone to hold me right now I think. But. Someone who knows why I need comfort. There aren't many people who can do that for me, there's only one person I could possiby reach to do that right now and it's far too late to go round their house. Maybe I just need to cry and I'll feel better? I feel so useless or something, like I'm not doing anything anymore, I'm just some lazy good-for nothing fat slob who has no purpose in life. I should have started my maths revision by now but can't because everythings still in boxes and I can't therefore reach my desk. I started clearing it but it got too late to continue and I wasn't feeling so good anyways so I stopped. I guess that's what I can do tomorrow.
I don't even feel ugly or anything. I feel fat, and sick, but I doubt I'll ever grow out of that, not for a long time. Even when he was here I often felt it, it was just muted some.
I wanna go to bed now but I need to talk to him before I do
I wish I'd asked him to stay for a while earlier instead of being on Fable, then maybe I'd have felt better, not just sitting around waiting for him to come back.
I hope I feel better tomorrow, 'cos this really sucks v.v;
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