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We took a ride on a boat over Lake Windemere and to Ambleside for a walk. On the way back, it was cold so we went to the lower deck, leaving my family up top. He noticed something was wrong and asked. Eventually I said something along the lines of "I don't ever want to feel how I did before". He promised that I wouldn't because he'd always be here for me, to make me feel wonderful, to stop me feeling like that. I need him now. I could phone him but I can't afford a huge phonebill this month, my parents are keeping tabs each time I run over my contract. I just spent purged, not vomiting, but excessive exercise. It made me feel better... for like 5 seconds. I just need someone to hold me right now I think. But. Someone who knows why I need comfort. There aren't many people who can do that for me, there's only one person I could possiby reach to do that right now and it's far too late to go round their house. Maybe I just need to cry and I'll feel better? I feel so useless or something, like I'm not doing anything anymore, I'm just some lazy good-for nothing fat slob who has no purpose in life. I should have started my maths revision by now but can't because everythings still in boxes and I can't therefore reach my desk. I started clearing it but it got too late to continue and I wasn't feeling so good anyways so I stopped. I guess that's what I can do tomorrow. I don't even feel ugly or anything. I feel fat, and sick, but I doubt I'll ever grow out of that, not for a long time. Even when he was here I often felt it, it was just muted some. I wanna go to bed now but I need to talk to him before I do I wish I'd asked him to stay for a while earlier instead of being on Fable, then maybe I'd have felt better, not just sitting around waiting for him to come back. I hope I feel better tomorrow, 'cos this really sucks v.v; |
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The world is as it should be That's probably far from true But it's certainly how it feels to me I'm happily surrounded with good memories and anticipation It's such an incredible thing, to love and be loved in return. My feelings still get stronger and stronger, even though I've thought time and time again that it ould be impossible to love anyone more than I already do love him. All of my worries seem insignificant And I remember that life is best lived alive Also, as always, I get motivation on a nighttime (when it's pretty useless me doing anything because I'd be too tired XD) and tonight I feel like that once more. I want to turn my life around for the better Feels like some kind of divine inspiration but who knows? XD I hope this feeling doesn't fade for a long long time. It's amazing. |
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Hector posted a comment on one of my deviations recently: It's like what I say "Lonelyness: They didn't forget about your existance, it's just that they never cared about it" I wish I'd stop dreaming about my college "friends", leaving me behind as they always did. It's getting real old now, and tbh I'd rather just not dream at all. I don't remember much except towards the end, we were all in some rpg thing, but somehow I'd ended up without any weapons or means to defend myself so I was just taggng along so I wouldn't be killed really. Anyways, something happened and we were all running away, and of course I tripped. Oliver came back to pick me up and helped me along a little ways but then when everyone else was laughing and stuff he just left me and joined them, and I fell over again and just ended up laid on the pavement watching their backs as they walked off (by this time we'd stopped running). I need to get over the fact that they weren't ever really friends with me, they only talked to me out of necessity for the performance exam. I can't understand why I'm still upset over it, it's stupid, it really is, but I thought I'd at least made some friends while I was there, I guess I was just telling myself that so things wouldn't seem as bad. I just wanna get back to school already and maybe I can get over it. On another note, once I get up and dressed I'm gonna be doing everything I can to get outta ths bad mood, I'm not gonna let a dream ruin my day >=T |
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As much as I hated it, some good did come from it. I'm closer to Mam and Nat again. Mams started being a lot more respective of my privacy etc. Nat, well, lets just say that the apocalypse will involve zombies raining from the sky, exploding cats, glittery rubber ducks and cute girls spewing clouds. In other news. A week till school o.o I wish it'd just start already, I'm bored. I should get these boxes moved from my desk and stuff but there isn't anywhere else to put them since Dads so insistent that I can't have anything ontop of the wardrobe ¬.¬; I wanna start judo again or something similar. I really miss it. But, the club I used to be part of was for 16 and under so I'd have to go somewhere else though, but I don't know where there are any other local clubs Maybe I'll get myself down to the northern academy of martial arts, see what they do on nights that I'm free =/ |