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I have 3 blogs on the go at once (4 if you count tumblr, though I don't), all for different things. And I always come back to this one when I'm feeling crappy about my self image. Force of habit, perhaps? I feel like phoning in ill at school tomorrow but just remembered that Mam wants me to take a note in to explain why my little bro will be off, so I guess that's not happening. I suppose I'll go for the "I'll bring it in next lesson" excuse for homework, give me a couple extra hours to do it. I had a coffee to try and stay up and do it now but being up so late is just depressing somehow and old thoughts are creeping back, which isn't good. I've put on so much weight recently and I just want to cry about it and not go out in public. Well, I say "so much"... it's only a couple of pounds, and my Mam was even convinced that I'd lost weight yesterday... but I can't stop criticizing myself at the moment. I went to the gym with Carolyn the other day and it was good fun, so I'm planning on going regularly with her. Less awkward than with Dad. I really need to get hold of the hours it's open. I don't have any piano students right now. The last one stopped because she wasn't practising so her parents didn't want to pay for her lessons anymore. That's fair enough, but it's a pain keeping my Thursday nights free when I'm not even teaching anymore, just incase one of those new students decides to actually start instead of saying for weeks on end that they will then just not. I can't wait for Wednesday, to see Sue and set a price on my weddings. It'll feel like a step in the right direction at last. Even if people ask for styles other than classical that I'm not entirely comfortable with, it'll be good. £25 is reasonable, I think, I mean the organist at Bex's wedding charged £80 and only played 2 twice. And I mean, even if I only get 4 over the next year, that's an extra £100, right? I just bought about 6 scores that I need for music. £30. It pains me to use so much, but I needed them. The photocopies that the teacher gave me are hard to read and lacking in bar numbers and just in general unpleasant to use for studying purposes. I'm sick of needing money to spend on my singing. It's another £25 for masterclass with Claire Weston that my singing teacher arranged, £25 for the NEYC, and that's just this month, however much it was to enter the Ryton festival (About £29ish I think? And they didn't even send us the programmes which I gave the extra money for), and then I've bought an Elijah score, since I'm doing solos from it atm and will be doing the piece at the proms in August. It's painful to see so much go, even if I need these things. I wonder if I'll ever save enough to visit Keegan. I hope I find a job next year. I wonder how much I'll get paid for job seekers allowance? Not much, I think. I'm going to quit Rock Solid. There's no point in it anymore, they don't need me. I'm rarely given anything to lead anymore, I pretty much just watch and make sure the kids aren't doing something ridiculously stupid that could hurt them and then help clear stuff up at the end. Why did I even agree in the first place when it's a Christian youth club at a parish that I've grown to despise? Quitting so much (RS isn't the only thing I'm thinking of leaving) scares me, I've always kept myself busy beyond belief. But I think I need it now. Except when I'm not busy, sometimes I just sit and let myself wallow in frustration or whatever negative emotions may have been passing through my mind at the time. So I need to make sure I'm focused on my studies. A2 music makes me want to cry. I'm expected to know 8 chamber music pieces in excrutiating detail to get a decent mark in my essay and I'm not allowed the scores in my exam. Thankfully my teacher has organised extra lessons for me. I'm awful at learning song words and need to spend more time practising. But I just find myself overwhelmed with schoolwork/weekendschoolwork/extracurricularstuff/otherthings that I don't put enough time in it. It's like I can't decide what's most important so I do nothing until I have to do everything at once and all last minute. I don't really want to go to Antonias drinking thing for Magens birthday. But I've agreed now. And I promised myself I'd keep in more contact with my friends. I think I need some new friends. S,M,A: Only want to go drinking or cinema to see films I don't care about C: Only wants to go to the gym or shopping K: Only wants to sit and watch anime online, or for me to walk her to school ...:Oh wait. That's it. It's depressing when I realise there's no-one else I feel comfortable enough to spend time with. I thought I was making friends at the Sage, and I guess I am, but they all live far away - 2 are from Skye, a 9 hour+ drive, 2 are from Middlesbrough, not so far, but they aren't that close anyway... well, I guess the other people I've made friends with are quite young and wouldn't be interested in contact outside the sage. I'm getting closer to people at youth choir, but who wants to spend time with someone who rarely speaks? Besides, going out anywhere is too expensive, no matter the activity. But I digress. I secretly hope that I can't get a lift back, because then I can't go since my parents are away and I'll have no means of getting home. I don't understand the obsession with going out and getting drunk at a nightclub. I guess it's fun dancing and things but... I don't even know. I guess it's just not for me. Maybe I just need to try harder to talk to people from choir, outside of choir. School is shit. I don't talk to anyone there anymore. Shaun says hello, Gavin will give me the occassional word in psychology and I sometimes manage to add something to the ridiculously stupid conversations in French that they have when the teachers out of the room instead of doing their work (and then they wonder why they fail?). That's pretty much the extent of my interactions with anyone at school anymore. I guess I could try harder, maybe even stay in school in my frees as the psychology teacher suggested at the start of the year, but there isn't anyone there that I relate to anymore. The girls just gossip about parties and drinking or bitch and moan about it, and the lads, well, it's just awkward to be with the guys I used to be friends with since I broke up with Richard. And all they do is drink, too. Whenever music is mentioned (normally brought up by the teachers) there's an awkward atmosphere like... I'm not sure, kind of "Oh god. Not talking about Charlottes fucking music again. We don't give a fuck." and it's embarassing and awful. It's even worse when I bring it up. In French we're choosing what to talk about in our Oral Expose, and were told if you know what you want to do, say straight away because we can't have two of you doing the same thing. Of course no-one else would be doing the music of Amelie, I was stupid to even think of it. But it's always fun to just make everyone just go completely silent and glance at each other like "not music again. we get the point." Little kids still make operatic noises at me in the corridor and burst into laughs, unable to understand why I could possibly want to sing or even listen to classical music, whilst thinking they're oh so fucking tough to take the piss out of a sixth former. I wish I was at a school were music was appreciated. I guess that weekend school is my escape for that. Also the French teacher still seems to hate me. I think she just hates everyone. But it's fucking annoying when I get in trouble for being late but if the others are all late but come together they don't get in trouble... but I get wrong for sitting there waiting for them! Like "Why aren't you doing something useful >:C" well, sorry, maybe I could be if the rest of the class was here on time? I can't wait to finish the year and be done with school. On the other hand, I feel like I need another half a year to learn everything that I'm going to need for these exams. Oh, but there's one good thing about school right now. After March 10th, if my exam results are crap for general studies, I don't have to do it anymore. Which means no more awkward times with Richy. And no more learning things that I don't give a fuck about. And no more panicking about an exam that I've proven several times, I can't do. And no more bad memories of how it was at my last 6th form, and what it started. I swear, I better have gotten an E, maybe even a U, in that exam, I /need/ to drop this subject. I want to keep writing and writing but I think it's time to stop now. |
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I hated todays group rehearsal for Saturday's concert. I forget how far I have to catch up before I'm at the right standard to get to a conservatoire sometimes. And it hurts when it hits me like that. I feel sick. I wanted to eat all my emotions a moment ago, though I didn't, now I just want to throw them up. I think I'll just get some water then go to bed. I'm sure I'll feel better after sleeping. I feel like my A-levels are so hard right now. If I'm finding this so hard, what is university going to be like? I don't want to think about it. |
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Is the 18th of February. It's gonna be a long, probably painful day. And I'm going to go and buy a load of drink the day before and if nothing happens, I'm getting myself absolutely pissed. I figure that it's ok this once, even if I don't usually like to. |
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Last night I dreamt, but I remembered it more than usual. Which means I'm letting stress get to me. Probably should sort that out. I dreamt that I was in a ballet. I was a fat frumpy character who didn't need to know ballet at all and was in fact ridiculed by the other ballerinas for not knowing it as part of the show. All I wanted was to play another part, any part, so I wouldn't be ridiculed anymore. So I resolved not to eat. I hate my subconscious. |
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I'm with Keegan, in this dimly lit place. I vaguely recognise it from past dreams. It's hard to describe. I'm entering a singing contest there. I'm singing "Che faro senza Euridice". I'm breaking down in tears, though appropriately to the songs context, but I'm also losing my voice and unable to sing it fully. However, I've been singing it in the nude and when I finish I spot myself in a mirror. My stomach is covered in bloody scratches and I realise that I made them myself at some point. I realise Keegan has gone without a word and I'm searching desperately, crying, trying to find him again. He refuses to look at me, ashamed and dissapointed. I wake up and hate myself. v_v; "Che faro..." is from an opera which follows the greek myth of Orpheus and Euridice. Orpheus follows Euridice into the underworld to get her back. Hades agrees but he isn't allowed to look at her until they get out of the underworld, or he will lose her forever. However, she begins to doubt his love as they are returning - why won't he even look at her? So she is upset with him. Eventually, he gives in to her pleas and looks. Of course, she is returned to the underworld and lost forever. "Che faro..." is just after this, when he is desperate and mournful - what will he do now that his love is gone? Is there nothing he can do? How will he live without her? |