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I'm finding it harder. Dragging myself to college, that is. EDITEDITEDIT Yeah got rid of most of that 'cos I changed my mind today ^^; Theatre was great. I'm having second thoughts about moving :c I can't decide if my grades or my enjoyment is more important. Maybe I should wait and see what grades I get at AS and only if it's all like Es or something will I move. We were doing a section from "Tartuffe". Twas great fun. Yeah. That's all I'm writing for now cos I need to go get dried off. later nyaah~ |
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I'm turning to food again. For comfort that is. Then feeling like a fat pig. Making me want to reach out for more comfort. I can't have it in moderation. I'm fine when I'm starving myself. Doesn't bother me. But, I can't eat normally, it has to be either excessively or not at all. Ugh. I think I'll fast next week. |
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I'm scared to eat now. Whenever I do, it tastes so lush, I love it, I just keep wanting more and more and more and more until I can't stop. But. Then I feel sicker and sicker and hate myself, I feel the disgust bubbling inside my chest until it releases itself in my head, angry thoughts flying around, attacking me. Telling me that I should starve. That I don't deserve this food. All the fat, clinging to my skin like a parasite, feeding off me, making me an ugly monster. I feel, that I don't deserve the food because I let that fat thrive, that I shouldn't be allowed to eat anymore until that fat goes away and nothing is left but beautiful skin and bone. I only feel free when I'm starving. Sure, hunger hurts, but starving gives me this strange euphoria I don't get with a full stomach, and it makes me feel so... amazing? No. I still feel like a fat ugly pig, and I feel that I should keep feeling the stomach pains that accompany starving as a punishment. Punishment for what? I... don't know. All the little things I do wrong that shouldn't have gone wrong. All the times I've upset people. All the times I've pigged out. All the times I've made a situation awkward or boring just by being there. All the times I've cried without good reason when there are so many people worse off. All the times I was me. But, anyway. Starving makes me feel... In control. I can focus on that instead of any self-loathing I have. Just focus. On. Not. Eating. Don't. Eat. All the people around. All so fat. Because they're eating. Is it possible to self harm through food? I think that's what I'm doing. And what I've been doing for years. Except, binging when upset rather than starving. Now it's tipped the other way. I wish I could eat normally. But I never have and find it hard to forsee a day that I will. I always turned to food for comfort when I was younger and now I'm turning to starvation. At least I'm not getting fatter this way. |
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I. I gave in. For a couple of weeks now. Whenever I've eaten. I've had this mad urge to go purge, go get rid of it all. And last night. Last night, I did. I didn't manage to get much up; it was a while after eating (I'd been fighting with myself whether too or not) but it became unbearable, I just had to. I felt so fat and ugly, and as though getting rid of it was the only thing that would help. If I'd had more time I would have kept going till I got it all up, but was scared incase Bex or Mam heard me, and I'd left Keegan a while and didn't want him to worry. Even now, I feel so sick, I haven't eaten anything, but the food I ate last night that I didn't mange to get out is lingering on my mind. I'm going to starve myself today for binging yesterday. If I binge after I'll have to put up with the consequences. I'll probably end up trying to make myself sick again. I can't fight it anymore. I feel so weak against it. I need to tell someone now but I'm so scared to. If my parents find out, what is they refer me to a mental hospital? They scare me so much, I've been scared of them since being a kid, scared of having to go to one. Even if it's just, say, half an hour a week to see someone to talk about it, I'd find it so hard. I want to tell Keegan but I'm scared he'll suggest the same thing, or decide I'm mad or doesn't love me anymore because I hate myself too much or that he won't talk to me unless I stop or something >.< It's not as simple as just stopping though. I want to but I just relapse into a cycle of hate or disgust with myself becaus I feel like such a pig. And I know I'm not. There are many people worse than me. But I feel it anyway. I started a book to try and help me, writing down how I feel whenever I begin to feel bad about myself, and it helps a little, but I can't always use to it when I need to. I should probably be doing something more positive like writing good things people have said about me instead of the bad things I feel, but I find it so hard to think of things when I'm feeling so lacking in confidence. It alleviates when I'm talking to Keegan, he makes me feel so amazing about myself, and gives me confidence that I need so badly. But, I need to find something to help when he's not there. Something safer than counting calores or purging. Singing used to help, used to be my life, but now I get nagged so much that I should be practising more, it's turning into something my parents want me to do instead of what I want. Just like every instrument I've tried. They can't just leave me be, let me explore my passion by myself, no, they have to tell me that I should be doing more. Always more. I haven't done enough at college this year. I'm dreading results day. I think I've gotten a C in performing arts, B/A in music and D/C in theatre. I. I would be happy with that. That's great to me. Even if I got all Cs, I'd love to get all Cs. But they're gonna be so dissapointed in me. I'll tell them my results, and just like Macbeth they'll say ".Oh." and continue with what they're doing. But before that Mam'll get worked up, and start telling me I better get As. And Dad won't say anything, maybe he'll even tell her to stop, but he'll be secretly agreeing, and if I get less he'll be regretting letting me dop French so much. There's so much more I want to write, but I'm going to leave it at that for now. I need to break this purging thing before I get dragged to far into it. |