chizel's Blog

purge.
Date: Jun 29th, 2009 10:36:42 pm - Subscribe
Mood: overwhelmed


I.
I gave in.

For a couple of weeks now. Whenever I've eaten. I've had this mad urge to go purge, go get rid of it all.

And last night. Last night, I did. I didn't manage to get much up; it was a while after eating (I'd been fighting with myself whether too or not) but it became unbearable, I just had to. I felt so fat and ugly, and as though getting rid of it was the only thing that would help.
If I'd had more time I would have kept going till I got it all up, but was scared incase Bex or Mam heard me, and I'd left Keegan a while and didn't want him to worry.

Even now, I feel so sick, I haven't eaten anything, but the food I ate last night that I didn't mange to get out is lingering on my mind. I'm going to starve myself today for binging yesterday. If I binge after I'll have to put up with the consequences. I'll probably end up trying to make myself sick again. I can't fight it anymore. I feel so weak against it.

I need to tell someone now but I'm so scared to. If my parents find out, what is they refer me to a mental hospital? They scare me so much, I've been scared of them since being a kid, scared of having to go to one. Even if it's just, say, half an hour a week to see someone to talk about it, I'd find it so hard.

I want to tell Keegan but I'm scared he'll suggest the same thing, or decide I'm mad or doesn't love me anymore because I hate myself too much or that he won't talk to me unless I stop or something >.<
It's not as simple as just stopping though. I want to but I just relapse into a cycle of hate or disgust with myself becaus I feel like such a pig. And I know I'm not. There are many people worse than me. But I feel it anyway.

I started a book to try and help me, writing down how I feel whenever I begin to feel bad about myself, and it helps a little, but I can't always use to it when I need to. I should probably be doing something more positive like writing good things people have said about me instead of the bad things I feel, but I find it so hard to think of things when I'm feeling so lacking in confidence.

It alleviates when I'm talking to Keegan, he makes me feel so amazing about myself, and gives me confidence that I need so badly.

But, I need to find something to help when he's not there. Something safer than counting calores or purging.
Singing used to help, used to be my life, but now I get nagged so much that I should be practising more, it's turning into something my parents want me to do instead of what I want. Just like every instrument I've tried. They can't just leave me be, let me explore my passion by myself, no, they have to tell me that I should be doing more. Always more.
I haven't done enough at college this year. I'm dreading results day. I think I've gotten a C in performing arts, B/A in music and D/C in theatre. I. I would be happy with that. That's great to me. Even if I got all Cs, I'd love to get all Cs. But they're gonna be so dissapointed in me. I'll tell them my results, and just like Macbeth they'll say ".Oh." and continue with what they're doing. But before that Mam'll get worked up, and start telling me I better get As. And Dad won't say anything, maybe he'll even tell her to stop, but he'll be secretly agreeing, and if I get less he'll be regretting letting me dop French so much.

There's so much more I want to write, but I'm going to leave it at that for now.

I need to break this purging thing before I get dragged to far into it.
Comments: (2)

thehangdog - June 30th, 2009 I wont pretend to know what your going through, but I will reaffirm what you said about writing down positive things about yourself. Its a terrific idea and most people don't even consider it on their own. Its no use to dwell on the poor choices you make. Everyone makes them, you need to stand out by considering what makes your family and friends love you. When I felt down in the dumps, I took an entire pad of post it notes and a pen. Every compliment I could remember went down on that pad, and when I could think of no more, I wrote what I wanted people to say about me. I started every note with my name to reassure myself who it was intended for. I sat in my car and read each one out loud. Later, I stuck my favorite ones around my room in places I would see. Its astoundingly uplifting. Your bright, I can tell. If you don't like my idea enough to try it, I'm sure you can some up with something on your own. -The Hangdog Deviant-

anonymous - June 30th, 2009 She IS bright. Hi, I'm Keegan. She just told me about this problem and I have to say that she's INCREDIBLY brave for telling me, considering how shy and secluded she can be. She's always denying compliments and always being self-defeating, which is no way for someone as amazing as her should feel. x3 She's an amazing singer and person. I love her so much. She's helped me through so much, including the death of my dog and my mothers boyfriend troubles, and she's always there when I need support. Her kindness and willingness to listen to my problems and thoughts always gets me by surprise. I never knew someone could be so great until I met her. Charlotte, know that I believe in you. If worst comes to worst, all you'll need is a psychologist/therapist. Wards are for FAR more severe stuff. I'll always be here for you, no matter what. If you're fat, scarred, mutilated or crippled, I won't care one bit. I love you for who you are. NOT what you look like.....Although you HAVE always had THE most adorable smile. x3 Don't forget I'm not the only one you can go to. You have friends and family that would be MORE than willing to help you. If I'm all you want for help though, I'll do my best to help.

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