Regarding food.
Date: Jun 29th, 2009 10:28:00 am - Subscribe
Mood: weak
I'm scared to eat now.
Whenever I do, it tastes so lush, I love it, I just keep wanting more and more and more and more until I can't stop.
But. Then I feel sicker and sicker and hate myself, I feel the disgust bubbling inside my chest until it releases itself in my head, angry thoughts flying around, attacking me. Telling me that I should starve. That I don't deserve this food.
All the fat, clinging to my skin like a parasite, feeding off me, making me an ugly monster. I feel, that I don't deserve the food because I let that fat thrive, that I shouldn't be allowed to eat anymore until that fat goes away and nothing is left but beautiful skin and bone.
I only feel free when I'm starving. Sure, hunger hurts, but starving gives me this strange euphoria I don't get with a full stomach, and it makes me feel so... amazing? No. I still feel like a fat ugly pig, and I feel that I should keep feeling the stomach pains that accompany starving as a punishment. Punishment for what? I... don't know. All the little things I do wrong that shouldn't have gone wrong. All the times I've upset people. All the times I've pigged out. All the times I've made a situation awkward or boring just by being there. All the times I've cried without good reason when there are so many people worse off. All the times I was me.
But, anyway. Starving makes me feel... In control. I can focus on that instead of any self-loathing I have. Just focus. On. Not. Eating. Don't. Eat. All the people around. All so fat. Because they're eating.
Is it possible to self harm through food? I think that's what I'm doing. And what I've been doing for years. Except, binging when upset rather than starving. Now it's tipped the other way. I wish I could eat normally. But I never have and find it hard to forsee a day that I will. I always turned to food for comfort when I was younger and now I'm turning to starvation. At least I'm not getting fatter this way.
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