Issue 3, Pages 4-5: Untitled article
3/30/2006 12:09 - Subscribe
Mood: Curious


I am pretty sure that most of my friends do not keep journals or diaries or anything, but I do. It is one of the things that cheers me up almost every time that I am sad. I always wonder what other people think about and what they would write about if they had a journal or a diary or just anything that they would write down to feel better or to stop thinking about it constantly. I wonder if they wonder about the same things I do, like, "What does she write in that little book of hers?" or, "Why does she always take out a pen and paper and scribble all the time?" or even, "Why does she write in such tiny handwriting when she writes in that big marble composition book when it has big spacious lines to fill?" I am curious as to whether they are curious or not. I wonder what they would think if they ever read what I wrote, and I wonder if it would change their opinions of me. I always get excited when I think of happening upon some ancient diary discarded on a park bench or buried in a wall or an attic somewhere. I imagine that people keep the most intimate details of their lives trapped in paper and ink, and that the truest feelings are recorded in words. Maybe that is just the way I do things, but I wonder if other people wrote, too, if it would be the same.



I do not mean to keep all of my truest feelings secret from people; in fact, I write many letters. I do not always send them, but I think writing them down makes it easier to share them if I do want to tell them my feelings. Sometimes it is really hard to do that, though. I always worry that I am not explaining my feelings accurately enough, and I guess that is why I like to write them down more often. I mean, I would not want for someone that I care about and want to talk to about my feelings to not understand, or to get the wrong impression and not want to talk to me any more. Perhaps I am afraid of "pushing people away", as the phrase goes, but I do not think it is quite like that.



What I write about has more to do with curiosity and observations than anything else. Actually, the way I write in my journal or my diary or my notebook or whatever you feel like calling it is a lot like the questions I made up. When I do not want to ask a person a question out loud because I am afraid that they will get the wrong impression, I write it down first. Sometimes, I do ask out loud, and then the answer leads to other questions that I write down later because I wonder but I do not ask.



I wonder if my friends, or other people, want to ask questions, too, but are just hesitant to ask for the same reasons that I am. I wonder if we were able to ask those questions easily, if the asking and the answer would mean as much to us as if the questions were hard to ask and the answers were hard to give. I am not sure that the interaction would feel the same. I imagine that it might be like saying one word over and over again: after a little while, the word starts to not sound like a word any more, and eventually, you start to not be able to say it because it makes you tongue-tied. The point of saying one word over and over again is just to amuse yourself a little, anyway, and I would never want a real conversation with important questions and answers in it to just amuse me a little.



I guess it is a good thing to keep a journal or a diary or something else to write in. I always like to write about things that I am thinking about, and sometimes I like to share them with other people, to see what they think about them. I am always curious. They say that "curiosity killed the cat", but I think that without curiosity, the cat would not even care about anything. It would not care about being killed. I suppose we always need something to wonder about, or some question to be answered. Maybe it keeps us genuine, or something.

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