My Friends: mizzxbitch, makeithurt, xmidnightx, perfect110, silentjade
My Blogs Next Page


perfect110 Over two years ago... - Subscribe
It has almost been two years since I have written in here. Amazing how much has changed. I doubt there is hardly anyone left that remembers me.

In the past two years I have found freedom (if that exists) from my eating disorder. Am a lot more happy and content with life. I also moved out of my house (twice), first to go a treatment type center and secondly to move out for good into an apartment. I have gotten back into church. Been dumped by two boyfriends. Made a bunch of amazing friends and then lost them all.

I suppose that is why I am writing in here now. I am so incredibly lonely. My heart longs for human interaction. I want to be accepted and liked and loved for who I am. I want people to leave comments on my facebook and e-mail me! I want people to call me. I want to matter. I want... to be noticed.

Right now I am fighting not to run back to what was my coping mechanism for six years. I know why I want to do it but that doesn't help. I want to do it because I am stressed about finals next week, I am lonely, I am depressed, and I am angry but I don't know what to do about it except run and eat everything I can and then vomit into the toilet for an hour. I am feeling out of control. I am feeling rejected. I am feeling like the life I have serves no purpose at all. I could easily be replaced.

I have not had these feelings for over a year, and yet here they all come- rushing back in. Will I ever truly be over this? Am I just going to use my whole life fighting with food and my emotions? I want to a be a photographer but so what- there are thousands of amazing photographers.

Maybe I am just having a depressed week.
perfect~
3 Comments
Mood: agitated

xmidnightx hello ? Feb 9th, 2007 1:37:01 pm - Subscribe
whoa
not used this baby in ages!!

been a loooooooooooooong time hehehe

someone comment me back please

to let me know ive still got the whole blogging thing down

hehe



whoa im bored...
0 Comments
Mood: beautiful
: boyjeans and atticus birdie top

makeithurt its official Apr 6th, 2006 12:20:20 am - Subscribe
i am sworn off sex.
2 Comments
Mood: deceived

makeithurt lets go to hawaii ! Apr 4th, 2006 11:34:20 pm - Subscribe
im constantly doing my two sisters's chores. i do them so my mom can come home and relax instead of screaming at all of us for something that isn't done.

and that is the story of my life. im always cleaning up after everyone, trying to hold the stitches of this great big ugly pillow thingy so it wont explode and cover everyone in fluff >=(

i need a vacation.
0 Comments
Mood: abnormal

makeithurt ohhh boy... Apr 4th, 2006 12:21:44 am - Subscribe
he wanted me to promise that i wouldn't be upset.

i could have lied or i could have been brutaly honest with him, but no.

i just skipped the whole thing altogether.

i could have told him i didn't care because, 'hey! its no skin off my back, right?'

i could have told him i was crying the whole way through.

i just changed the subject instead.
1 Comments
Mood: diseased

makeithurt eight Apr 1st, 2006 12:46:44 am - Subscribe
sweet talking him.
buttering him up
& down.
ready to pounce,
ready to kill.
what she doesnt know,
is that i am already
eight lines ahead of her.
0 Comments
Mood: impatient

makeithurt caught. Mar 25th, 2006 11:22:36 pm - Subscribe
i dreamt of him last night,
in a way i never bothered to think of.
like dust blown up by wind,
these dorment feelings have stirred themselves awake-
and are very much alive.
3 Comments
Mood: empowered
: the fine art of making it out alive - boys night out

makeithurt [inwaiting] Mar 23rd, 2006 10:55:03 pm - Subscribe
minutes
tick talk
hours
pressing propelling
forward
through time
2 Comments
Mood: swell
: fever dream - iron & wine

perfect110 Friendss Mar 12th, 2006 9:44:02 pm - Subscribe
Friends get to read special thoughts
They get to understand the person more than anyone else
They get an insiders view

Don'tchya wanna be my friend.
If you understand this you can read my posts.
26 Comments
Mood: lovely

xmidnightx -omg- Nov 3rd, 2005 4:08:43 pm - Subscribe
bless wayney!
he has invited me to his house christmas day! how sweet! my mommy is working you see, bless him!
i love him, i do
proper love
like, proper, proper love
its overwhelming

i miss him, and i only saw him a few hours ago, and i am going to see him in a few hours - but i still miss him

he wants to marry me :p bless him, its way too early lol! we have been going out for 5 weeks, its all happening so fast... but i love it!

i have known that i have loved him from that very first week that we were going out, absolutely positive about it!

i am so happy!
im spending christmas with wayne! grin.gif awesome!

norah jones rocks!

i can't wait to see wayne tomorrow
bella is eating my chocolate porridge! chocolate soya porridge!

he is so gorgeous, and he looked so hot today! ooh he looked lush!

we are the mafia at school tounge.gif
we have our own little "quarters" and everything! wayne is the godfather, i am the missus godfather, mark is cheeko (yes bwoss) we even have mafia sluts, spies, contractors and everything! even a godfather chair! that we snuggle on tounge.gif hehe! its awesome! i love our mafia tounge.gif we have control of the football table (or foozeball to you americans tounge.gif) and the pool table, which is awesome! and its right next to the radiator hehe!

missus heidi holder... aah... bad one there! well im keeping my daddys name anyway so tounge.gif

i wish i could spend every minute of the day with him
ahh im so sickly aren't i! fuck it, i don't care! im in love and i don't care who knows it! infact, i want everyone to know it! aaah!

<3
3 Comments
Mood: loved up!
: Pjs

xmidnightx back from crashage! Nov 2nd, 2005 10:07:22 am - Subscribe
well my internet has been down for a bit hence the lackage of bloggage! lol!
bless wayney! he bought me blinks greatest hits today! it was a pleasant surprise when i got home lol! i haven't listened to blink in AGES! lol! i used to worship them but then i didn't like the self titled album so i kinda went off them but nevermind, i love them all the same lol!
*sings along* woo!

well i have horsey riding now tounge.gif clippery clopperty!

<3 love rocks!
1 Comments
Mood: joyful

xmidnightx heffalump! ^_^ Oct 24th, 2005 10:32:36 am - Subscribe
well...today was okay! first day back at school after half term, so it was abit pissy! but nevermind!
at least i passed my enzymes test! i got an E, but at least i passed it!

psychology was funny, we were talking about art and wayne said i should paint a plectrum, and he said i should go buy a plectrum and i said "i don't need to, i have my own" and so he said he was heartbroken as i had implied that i was too good for him (when i blatently didn't , he was only joking though!) so he carried it on all day! and he made me get on my knees and beg for forgiveness in tutorial! that was funny lol! so it took all day to win him over lol!

he is quite scaring me though, he keeps flirting with mary... i don't like it, nor does she...

boyfriends don't flirt with their girlfriends best maties. they do not touch their best friends ass right infront of their girlfriend. it is wrong.

i don't want to seem overprotective, possesive or psycho but its slightly worrying. i shouldn't be so paranoid, it will split us up, it shall... it shall. so i will be paranoia free... yes thats my plan

i have to go to work in an hour, that is pissy too. at least carl and becks are on, thats cool. carl is awesome, although a little scary sometimes - he calls me gorgeous. and becks is just so fun! she is so hyperactive! ah i love her to bits! i wonder who else will be on? i hope not little joe, hes a cool guy but hes just a little *insert word*. hes a chav, who isn't the cleverest but is in college doing a vocational course, is really quiet but you know he has alot going on in his head, but not in a deep sense.
anyhoo

i am in love <3 and i love it ^_^




i hope he loves me too....








aww he said the sweetest thing yesterday!
"i haven't seen you for 7 hours. i miss you already but thats okay because i will see you again in 11 hours!"



i am going to go and try on an outfit for school tomorrow, i want to wear my new dress and my boots, but i don't know what top to wear underneath my dress so i need to go try some combos on tounge.gif

black and white day on wednesday! hooraah for POLKA DOTS! polka dots rule! tounge.gif i am going to wear:
-black converse (because they have the white rim *thumbs up*)
-black cords
-custard shop belt because it is black and white
-black and white polka dot vest top
-black cross over jumper so that you can see the polka dot top
-black row of sequins
-black hairband

im not wearing enough white! thats terrible!

*rethinks*

i could look for some white ribbon...

yes i will do that! tounge.gif

toodle-oo!
0 Comments
Mood: swanky
: purple doc martens and purple cords (as it is purple day!) smallville top, black wrapover jumper, purple star beads, purple scarfy and gloves, black hairband ^_^

xmidnightx elephants :P Oct 23rd, 2005 12:38:14 pm - Subscribe
hallo all, haven't blogged in a while!
its been half term, i spent most of it at my aunties in the lake district - it was kinda boring, cold and wet, but thats england for ya isn't it!

i went to see bloc party last night

it was awesome

hehe, yesterday was awesome all together! except i have done so much shopping, that my back is killing from carrying all the bags home! im so silly! lol! i bought a beau black wrapover dress, its lush, such nice material! and an awesome bag as my second school bag - hear that, 2 school bags and a locker! thats how much shit i have to carry around with me! its crazy! but im loving school! what else did i buy? a love-er-ly jumper, some coote miffy PJs tounge.gif lol, erm... a dictionary... some school books, erm... and probably lots more that i can't remember!

now i am really tired, well i only got about 5 hours sleep last night, we did fall asleep at gone 2 o clock last night lol! nevermind! tounge.gif it was fun!

don't you just love drinking out of kids plastic beakers... <3



im in love ^_^
4 Comments
Mood: fluffy
: jeans, grey polka dot vest top, wraparound sweater...

xmidnightx diablo Oct 10th, 2005 9:29:33 am - Subscribe
well hello there!
i had an awesome weekend! we went to london and saw we will rock you, the queen musical! ahh! i love queen! freddie rocks! lol! grin.gif
when we got home, we stayed up until probably about 3 o clock just kissing and cuddling! it was awesome, it really was! hehe!

school is awesome - i am loving art with mrs chatterson (or mrs bitch as we all call her)
i want to talk to roon so i can see if he is free on wednesday seeing as i won't see him out of school until... the saturday we go see bloc party so...! i hope he doesn't mind sitting in the car with mom'ma! lol!

i really shouldn't be eating these biccies - my dinner will be ready in five mins! but my tea is too hot and we are out of milk, so its ideal for dunking really! lol

i am in love with dashboard this week! and today, i have been in love with brand new! ahh! old classics! lol

well i best go, dinners ready! and i need to find some chopsticks - i don't know where they have gone! meh!
2 Comments
Mood: shattered

xmidnightx yayness Oct 6th, 2005 10:11:08 am - Subscribe
yay
i am so fucking happy i want to scream!
wayne makes me so darn happy! these days, he gets me to sit on his knee even if there are chairs avaliable and he tells me off if i don't give him a proper kiss! ahh i am head over heels! tounge.gif
today mark said that we look so good together - i am so glad because it feels so right when we are together!
i have lost my pastels and i really want to do some sketching! do you remember when you were a kid and you would lay down loads of pretty colours in cool patterns and then cover it with black crayon, then scratch things into it? well im going to do that as an experiment tounge.gif i am really getting into my david hockney project, its so interesting! i love it! :p especially my little scrapbook!
i can't wait until saturday, we are taking wayne to london for his birthday, but he doesn't know that yet! how awesome! i don't know what the plan is, just to get a train to london, then decide when we get there i guess!
i don't know what to wear, i know i can't take anything bulky to wear on sunday because i will have to carry it around with me all day as i am staying at waynes that evening (we don't get home until 2 am!)

im going to go and eat a cookie now
3 Comments
Mood: different
: black cords, smallville elementary top and black zipthrough

xmidnightx im back and happier than ever! yay! Sep 28th, 2005 9:32:17 am - Subscribe
sorry i haven't updated in like forever! i have very valid reasons, as of which will be explained in the course of this post!

the main reason is because i am back at school now, doing my a-levels! its fucking awesome! i love every minute of it! it also means that i have alot of work, hence the lackage of postage!
in the love department, i finished with duncan because it wasn't working, at least i didn't think that it was anyway! it didn't help that i was fast falling in love with wayne, a guy from school!
we met in psychology, when we sat next to eachother! after a few days of hanging around with him, i had decided that i liked him... alot! lol! we flirted like mad! and eventually we admitted that we liked eachother! and now we are going out! its amazing, i am so happy! lol! we have only been going out for what... 3 days and i am stoopidly happy! i think i might be in love with him - this goes against all of my ideals but i really think i am in love with him! yay! everyone keeps telling us how cute we look lol! i like him so fucking much!
its kinda odd though, being at school - i am yet to adjust! you see, i am quite a hands on person (no pun intended) and i like to display my affections and things like that, but being at school, we can't and it isn't easy! but nevermind - we have agreed to keep the lovey dovey stuff low!
i luuuurrrvvvvvee him! hehe! we hold hands and stuff when we are walking around school, and i sit on his knee in the common room if there are no seats and he always has his arm around my waist and stuff, its sweet! i like him so much!
so yea, i have to go and get some grub and do some work before i go horseriding!
ahh! i have missed you!
i will try and do one a day again i think! grin.gif

grr i think i have to do open evening tomorrow! why am i complaining? i get to do some more art - pssht!

i love sixth form! its so awesome! im doing art, english, psychology and biology! its fantastic! so fun! we have such a laugh in psychology, wayne and i! hehe!

well take care readers!
1 Comments
Mood: fantabulistic!
: old jeans, purple high necked tee with a blue tee on top for warmth lol! and converse of course!

silentjade whats happenend lately Sep 25th, 2005 1:11:35 pm - Subscribe
i've been feeling better since my last post. so i'm happy.

angelia told me she bocked from aim the other day. shes stupid cuz ur not supposed to tell someone u blocked that u blocked. stupid fat bitch!

i was talking to clint the other day and we were talking about his friend anthony and his friend nataile. anthony wants to hook me up with natalie. but clint doesnt want me to cuz shes annoying. its like he doesnt want me to be happy. he was saying that people call her a man with a vagina. trying to not want to meet her. she doesnt sound like my type. and she reminds me too much of rayne but thats alright. i'll just go out with her to piss off clint.

jeremy is sooo depressing. everytime i talk to him he has to be sad. and bitch about a girlfriend he had 2 years ago. "i loved her but she broke my heart". i was going to say get over it its been 2 years. but that would be to mean.

and on friday me and richie were going to the student parking lot and i saw cassie. i told him not to say anything. but he was yelling "cassie shits in bags"(which she really did) i pushed him to the wall so she couldnt see us. i told him she'll beat me up if she found out i told people about that. he said "but your like ten times bigger that her u can kick her ass easily". but i cant im not stong at all.

well theres probably more that happened but im too lazy to tyoe it up.
0 Comments
Mood: cuddly
: death cab 4 cutie-title and registration

silentjade staring an blank tv screen Sep 14th, 2005 8:50:14 pm - Subscribe
these past 2 weeks i havent been that great for me. though i havet told anybody except my friend jeremy. it seems like i can tell him anything cuz he wouldnt judge me. see if i told my other friends they would tell me to shut up and say get over it. but i cant.

clints friend anthony is going to introduce me to his friends. a girl will get my mind off things. even if i wont like her back. ive decided to be empty. have no feelings. i dont care if its not healthy. its better this way.

something that really pisses me off is that i try to tell clint about my problems and her just ignores me and starts talking about anthony. i just want to tell him that hes not in love with him that its a crush that you'll get over it.

my collapsing frame by commander venus is my song right now.

i was so desprete to talk to someone that i even talk to ming. fuck. i cant beleive i did.

right now my only friend is jeremy.
0 Comments
Mood: why do u care
: commander venus-my collapsing frame

silentjade random stuff Sep 12th, 2005 11:04:42 pm - Subscribe
wow i love being random. just something i like to do.

crash was a kickass movie. i need to buy it.

dede how can some that amazing have a shitting name like that??? i feel sad for her

im never taking gicel's advice anymore cuz always wrong. she always fills my head with such lies. that i should have known myself. cuz i know more about it. she says thing that shes not positive over. sure it was nice thinking about it but i know now what s true and whats not. and if she trys to tell me it is again im going slap her in the face and tell her that she doesnt know anything about this kind of thing. im so mad at her. i wrote a message to her on myspace explaining that she was wrong about everything and that if she tries to give me advice again i'll kick her in her face. but maybe i shouldnt balem her its my fault for beliveing her. but im never going to listen to her again.

i just went to one subject to another didnt i.

well i need t go and think things over.

IM NEVER LISINING TO GICEL AGAIN!!!
0 Comments
Mood: ??????
: postal service- nothing better

silentjade tony the pony!!! Sep 8th, 2005 10:19:39 pm - Subscribe
today was eventful. well not really same old boring day at bghs...

today richie and i made cards for chad. we put things like porn is cheaper than dating funny stuff. also richie and i put a sign on ginni's back that says "pony 5 cents per. ride". how does that kid make up these things. maybe cuz he watches t.v constantly.

in health me, richie, and chad were passing notes. the things those guys write r so fucking stupid but i cant help but laugh.

in human relation class we had a sub. we had to watch this movie called Nell. i was bored out of my mind. i was about to fall asleep. if we have to watch the rest tommorow i'll scream at mrs.ironpour.

we took this survey in guitar class so that the school district would give the music programs equal rights as the sports programs. people were getting mad at me because i was reading the questions out loud. and asking what should i bubble in. oh well i dont care what they think cuz there stupid.

-jade
0 Comments
Mood: i never know
: commander venus- we\'ll always have venus