chronic pain syndrome
Date: Jan 23rd, 2018 7:27:42 am - Subscribe
It is like there is this pain lodged in my chest that I cannot budge no matter how hard I push.
I am so tired of trying and trying without any result.
Everything in my life is exactly the same it was years ago. Every word, every comma of this story feels the same. I don't feel the pain as intensely as in those years but it is more like a chronic pain, a constant dull ache that won't recede, I want to unfeel it. But I don't know how to erase this stain off my mind.
Will I forever feel this way? Swimming against the tide and never finding a shore? Will there ever be any light? Even a tiny sparkle of a firefly would do. I don't want much, I never needed much but still it feels my whole life has only ever taken from me more and more. I am tired of the emptiness, of the holes in me. Please no more, life.
grief and Phoenix
Date: Jan 18th, 2018 12:24:31 pm - Subscribe
Let it out.
all the pain you keep hiding
all the grief you keep holding inside
if the grief claws out of you
even if feels forever
even if it feels infinite
even if it feels too much
it will pass
you have hit lower before
and you had risen like a phoenix then
you will soon again.
Date: Dec 17th, 2017 11:33:37 am - Subscribe
"If you can't change something, then you should change your reaction to it."-Unknown
I have been trying to change myself. How I behave around him. It is not easy but baby steps.
Few days back, I read this book The Girl on The Train, it was a book about this woman Rachel, who was distraught, depressed, bitter, after her husband left her for someone else. I realized once I was Rachel for someone too. Only once but sometimes once is enough to ruin you forever. Ever since then I vowed I'd never be a Rachel. No man, no human would have that much power over me.
Sometimes I feel almost changed, but sometimes my doubts, insecurities will still resurface. It's especially hard on the days I do see him. It doesn't happen immediately, but over time builds up and crashes all over me. In those times, I tell myself, I won't be a Rachel or who I used to be. What bothers me most is the feeling of something unresolved. If I don't think of him, spend time with him, I will still see him in my dreams and I hate my subconscious for it. I feel I'll not have closure because of this unresolved thing, because I never told him how I feel so I wish these feelings would just begone and never resurface or make my heart twitch for something I can never have.
In my heart, I know, I am absolutely sure this is for the best, and perhaps this is the only thing that has held me together all this time, our worlds, minds are poles apart. We would have been a disaster together. I try to not think of a utopian world where it wasn't so. But it is what it is and I have come to accept that. May be not fully yet, but I am half way there.
I am fine
Date: Nov 22nd, 2017 10:10:39 am - Subscribe
You ask me what is wrong.
I imagine blurting out the truth to you
and see its aftermath wreak havoc in both of our worlds, and lives.
So I gulp down the words that I know once spoken I cannot take back, that I know would make you wish I had never uttered and I lock them away in my heart and say to you, "Nothing. I am fine."
Date: Jul 12th, 2017 10:27:26 pm - Subscribe
These days I feel so low, I feel as if someone has reset my brain structure and chemical balance.
Everything I had become since J left, this heartbreak has undone it all. I am back to my crazy self.
I hate the chemical structure of my brain. I hate how sensitive I am. I hate my empathy. I hate my strong conscience. I hate how repressive I have become over the course of my life. I hate my self worth that if it comes to ending me in order to protect someone I will always make the sacrifice. And mostly I hate this fucked up, cruel, cold world that feels so indifferent to my lifelong struggle to be myself, for making me feel I don't belong here. I will never belong here. I cannot survive here.
Date: Jul 12th, 2017 10:20:50 pm - Subscribe
All around me I see heartbroken people, stressed people, always struggling with one thing or another. Is there any happy people in this world? I wonder, where they are.
May be there are no happy people but only happy moments in our lives and we have to make the best of it.
Date: Jun 26th, 2017 6:16:29 am - Subscribe
Remember when festivals actually used to be fun, and something you used to look forward to?
Well not anymore. Everything is the same except time. Boy does it change things. I hate festivals aka social gatherings. I would rather be on my own than in a room full of wrong people and lately that seems to be the norm everywhere I go. May be mom is right when she says I am a misfit in this world. And guess what? it doesn't even bother me anymore. I don't know how the change in my brain happened. Before in my life I used to think it's all my fault somehow but lately I don't do that anymore. I used to be all like "I ruin everything I love/touch" but now it's changed to "people ruin things" so I'd rather be on my own. I don't pretend. I don't demand. I don't give people false hopes. I don't fake life/feelings/anything. I try to be kind. I try to be polite. I try to forgive. I go out of my way for people who don't even deserve it. So yeah not my problem. I don't know if this new found change in me is healthy or another unhealthy coping mechanism I have developed. /endofrant
Date: Jun 16th, 2017 10:49:07 am - Subscribe
I can't dream of you
I can't wait for you
I can't have you on my mind
I can't be in love with you
I can't feel this way for you
I can't feel anything for you
Please just go away.
Date: Mar 25th, 2016 12:36:28 am - Subscribe
I wish you were here..I wish I could remember what I felt for you..what I felt after you left vividly so I don't make the same mistake twice. But I am afraid my heart has already committed that mistake, even after all my efforts to keep it safe. I didn't expect someone like him to come into my life and unravel me as easily as that.
This feeling of falling in love..of this rush of euphoria, it is also so familiar to me. I am terrified of love more than of death.
The story of a heart
Date: Mar 9th, 2016 7:11:27 pm - Subscribe
Would you hold her heart in the palm of your hands and not let it break?
Would you take care of it as if it was the most precious gem of the world you found?
Would you look after it for the rest of your life so the light of her heart never went out?
Or would you be like the rest before you who got bored of it after a while and neglected it, until it stopped shining and grew cold like a stone?
The Girl Who Lived
Date: Jan 28th, 2016 11:48:38 pm - Subscribe
At the end of my life
I may not be someone famous
Or someone filthy rich
I may not be anyone to the world
But I was someone
Someone who loved
With everything she had
I was someone who fought
Either with herself
Or the entire world
Just to be myself
Without giving up
At the end of my life
I may not be anyone
But I was someone
To the fullest
Just to live.
There is peace
in knowing I had lived
before I died.
Date: Jan 14th, 2016 10:00:04 am - Subscribe
"You are still on the outside
but you are restless on the inside."He spoke to her in a language that left her tongue tied.
She wrapped herself up in such a way from the rest of the world so no one could get to know her well enough to hurt her, yet he seemed to notice her, know her, get her, dissect her in ways no one else could.
She wondered if he also knew how much of the restlessness in her was attributed to his presence. She wondered if he could guess that at all.
Date: Dec 24th, 2015 10:39:36 pm - Subscribe
I can stand loneliness, it barely moves me. But incompleteness, that is a whole different story. It keeps pushing against the walls of my heart until it stretches and explodes in all the repressed longings, blurred memories and dreams that will never be real, experiences I will never get to live. I can stand loneliness but not incompleteness.
Give Me Thunderstorm
Date: Nov 8th, 2015 10:41:19 am - Subscribe
I don't want rain
I want thunderstorm
I want hails
I want to hear
The roar of thunders
Reverberating through the sky
I want to see the sky
Explode in fireworks
Out of lightning bolts
I don't care for the rain
I want thunderstorm
I want to see the world
In all its glorious darkness
The very darkness
That I am made of.
Date: Nov 5th, 2015 9:50:53 pm - Subscribe
You restless bird
Why would you
fly to that field
over and over again
hoping to find something
to see if a flower
has bloomed or two
to the same place
where there is a field
but of abyss
you will not find
your nest there
you will only
hurt your wings
still you keep
revisiting the place
of your ruins
why don't you ever learn
Date: Oct 24th, 2015 4:00:25 am - Subscribe
Perhaps once in a decade
Life introduces you
To someone who shines
As bright as the sun
You can't help but be touched
By their light
And when you're touched by them
You can't but help
Be molded into kinder, better human beings
And you wish more than anything
To keep that light in your sight
But you can't keep them forever
For they are from a different world
A different galaxy
Just passing by yours
Illuminating your life
Only for a short while
But the good thing is
Even after they're long gone
You get to keep their light
Shining in your heart
For as long as it beats.
Date: Oct 22nd, 2015 10:34:35 pm - Subscribe
She longed to be set free
From what you may wonder
There is nothing binding her
You don't see the shackles
She is imprisoned by
Look at her wrists closely
And you will see
The marks left upon them
From struggling to break free
She wants to cut all the strings
That binds her here
And fly away
To a place she can finally belong
You see perhaps her soul
Wasn't meant for this earth
She had such a delicate soul
It couldn't bear this world
She felt too much
It was constantly chaos in her heart
All the feelings vying for her attention
She wanted freedom from those too
She was bound by the world
And she was bound by her heart
When all she wanted was be unbound
So she could finally be herself
And don't think for a second
She wasn't brave enough
To try and be herself
For every time she tried
It was either the world
Or her own heart
That would tear her apart.
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