Online traits I hate
Date: Nov 21st, 2008 11:33:55 am - Subscribe
Mood: okay
1. Random people adding me.
2. People who says brb but actually never returns.
3. People who doesn't have the courtesy of replying to a simple "hi".
4. People who leaves in the middle of a conversation. Again, this is rude unless u have a really good excuse!
5. People who multichats.(more than 2)
6. People who takes 5mins or more to reply u back!
7. People who uses monosyllable words to every single chat line.
8. People who uses "lol" in every single chat line!
9. People who signs off without saying goodbye. Is it that hard to type a 3letter word???
10. People who keeps sending unlimited nudges.
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Of Lies & Liars
Date: Oct 30th, 2008 10:30:17 am - Subscribe
Mood: alright
Lies lately I’ve been thinking a lot about this 4 letter word, seeing how lies & deceptions fill my surrounding. These days, people aren’t just double-faced but there are multifaceted people who camouflage themselves underneath mask of being decent & nice.
Superficially, everybody is the same & almost flawless; only after spending quite sometime with an individual does one get a peek on his dark side & suddenly we feel the person has transformed. It makes us wonder if this person was the same person we knew, trusted.
I believe in giving people second chances. I guess my most short-coming is that I believe in the good side of people too much. Everyone knows no one’s is perfect- not you or me. May be I tend to overlook a bit too much. I don’t know.
I’ve always lived my following this one rule- treat people the way they treat you. I think it’s the most right way to justify how others treat you. I can be the nicest person and then again be the as cold as the harsh winter to the same person depending how the other person in question treats me. But there are also exceptions about those who mean a lot to us, and things don’t work out the way we imagined or planned. I’ve seen it- people taking advantage of somebody’s trust. They exploit it, abuse it and break that trust completely without realizing what the person who trusted you would go through once they get to know the truth. And the most unfortunate thing is when we have known a person long enough to know when they are lying or hiding something from us.
Somehow if that happens to me, I usually find out the truth one way or another. I don’t know if it’s God’s will or what, some may call it a gift, but sometimes I wish I were foolish enough to be ignorant of the lies people feed me than to come to the realization that those I’ve trusted never valued my trust. It’s disrespectful and not to mention painful. I can stand hearing an unwanted truth, but I can’t stand hearing the lies. I’d prefer knowing the truth from the person in concern than from any other source. That’s when it hurts and it hurts me a lot probably because when I trust someone I do it with all my heart and I remain honest to that individual on my part.
Trust and honesty are intertwined to each other and in some cases due to lack of honesty trust becomes very fragile. It’s like virginity, if once lost, it’s all gone! And I don’t believe confrontations can help to revive the trust that’s lost; it only deteriorates what is already worse. I can never make someone feel disrespectful because of what they might have done to me. That’s just not me. So I remain numb. It has become like a game for me, a game I wish people would quit playing. I’ve been there down that road God only knows how many times and I’m tired.
Is expecting someone to be honest too much to ask for?
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everydays
Date: Jul 1st, 2008 10:30:40 am - Subscribe
Mood: cursed
I can't get any sleep in the nights!
Last night I was awoke the whole night listening to radio. Than finally Id to take an antihistamine to doze off..practically spent half the day sleeping in the morning!
Then I get to watch tv, though I fabulously hate this activity. I avoid this pc as much as possible trying not to log onto fb!
Than my eating frenzy starts from the late afternoon..I eat anything except the healthy stuffs mom advices me too. I won't be surprised if I get more skinnier than I already am within a few weeks and I already got dark circles in my eyes from my nocturnal insomnia
Ya. I look horrible and I feel infinite times more horrible inside.
I wonder if I did ask for too much in this life. Or if I'd done a lot of bad deeds in this life for which I'm being punished this way.
God help me!Plz 
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Crystal Ball
Date: Jun 21st, 2008 5:10:56 pm - Subscribe
Mood: all right
Something I can relate to:
The Crystal Ball
Who is the man I see
Where I'm supposed to be?
I lost my heart, I buried it too deep
Under the iron sea
Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Lines ever more unclear
Not sure I'm even here
The more I look the more I think that I'm
Starting to disappear
Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Oh, crystal ball, hear my song
I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong
So put me where I belong
I don't know where I am
And I don't really care
I look myself in the eye
There's no-one there
I fall upon the earth
I call upon the air
But all I get is the same old vacant stare
Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Oh, crystal ball, hear my song
I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong
So put me where I belong
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Transformed
Date: Jun 20th, 2008 5:53:50 pm - Subscribe
Mood: all right
Sigh! Today I discovered a change within me...a change that is not so good.
I was out today..after a long time, and that's because I had been busy with my uni stuffs and also partly because lately I had turned in to more of an antisocial person!
There was a time I used to enjoy going out. (I know unlike most girls I'm not a shopoholic & I've always pride myself in that), still I used to like just by hanging out on those malls, even it was only with my shopoholic mom.
I used to enjoy eating out.
I used to enjoy watching a good movie.
I used to consider these little sources of enjoyment as happiness.
But lately doing these activities does not give me the slightest feeling of happiness. Forget happiness, they don't even make me feek good.
As more days pass by I'm getting more and more detached to my interests, & even from my family. And the worst part is that I'm not even scared or regretful by this new transformation of me.
I feel like I'm turning into a human-robot day by day.
Perhaps it's not so bad...at least this way, I won't be hurt anymore.
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last wish
Date: Jun 12th, 2008 4:19:44 pm - Subscribe
Mood: destroyed
I want to die so much.
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THings I need to abstain from:
Date: Jun 9th, 2008 11:27:29 am - Subscribe
1. Facebook
2. Instant messaging
3. The one person I've come to love.
toughie 
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chai na
Date: Jun 4th, 2008 2:13:39 pm - Subscribe
Allah ato koshto er shojjo hoyna. Amake tumi tule nao.Ami er parchina Allah!
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Your Lies
Date: Jun 4th, 2008 11:19:48 am - Subscribe
Mood: anguished
You did it again today. I don't know why. I guess I'll never understand the things you do/ or say to me. The most unfortunate thing is every time you do it, I can see right through you...your lies. And you know what? I'd rather choose to be a fool than see right through your lies.
Why do you do it?? Why? Is it because you don't want me around in your life anymore??
Let's face it I don't even exist in your life anymore. To be honest you lost me the day you first lied to me. If you think by lying to me you are protecting me from getting hurt..then let me give you the truth--the whole truth--every time you lie to me, it doesn't hurt me as much as it kills me. It kills me to realize that I don't even have that much significance in your life that you don't hesitate at all to throw your strings of lies at me. They hurt as much as a knife would. I can't tell you or anyone what I go through each day of my life just putting up with how I feel for you..and you treating me this way...I can't say how much it tortures me. I didn't want you to become like one of them...and now everyday I see you becoming like them more and more! I think of letting you go...but then there's a void in me that brings me back to you. I can't tell you how much I miss you the days I go by without you. I can't tell you how much dead and miserable I feel inside...I keep praying to God so that He take me away from this world before He takes you away from my life. I can't tell you what I go through. I just wish for it to be over. I don't want to feel this way.
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meaningless
Date: May 31st, 2008 4:28:55 am - Subscribe
Mood: anguished
I wish I could curl up and just die. I can't take this anymore.
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not in the mood
Date: May 25th, 2008 8:45:15 am - Subscribe
Mood: lethargic
I've a class coming up within the next 2 hrs and I hate this course! It's unbelievably boring and the sir is no different either. I wish I could skip this class, but even that's not an option as I've already skipped almost 3/4 classes of the same course. Sigh.
p.s I jut remembered I got 2 quizzes tomorrow. Well I've been trying to study lately and failed miserably in the process. It'll be late evening by the time I'm home and I know after attending this lecture I'm gonna be in a too foul mood to study again. Double sigh.
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trip to san-aventis
Date: May 24th, 2008 4:36:43 pm - Subscribe
Mood: spent
Today, we went to one of the world's top most ranked (#3 to be exact) pharmaceutical company's factory site in our town-the San-Aventis factory located at tongi.
I can't exactly say it was a mind-blowing experience for me! Sure I did like the site more than the factory which was mundanely meticulous in all aspects. I dunno industries never held much appeal to me! Only the high ranked official succeeded in leaving an impression on me.
The whole tour seemed wearisome as we inspected room after room, and changing clothes in the process...not to mention I hate closed spaces like those ones! Only had breathe of fresh air (plenty) on the outskirts of the factory buildings which was a sigh of relief!
Anyhow, I would have gone on more and more about the trip but am too tired to type right now! Feel like diving straight for my pillow even though I know no matter how tired I'm sleep would elude me as soon as the lights are off! Whatever! I'm not gonna waste another night sitting in front of this pc...more importantly I'm abstaining (I know this word sounds damn funny here) from msn tonight. Gotta stick to my resolution! sigh
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Miracles
Date: May 17th, 2008 6:20:05 am - Subscribe
I used to believe in miracles.
I believed in my God.
I waited...and waited for that miracle to happen to me and change my life.
It never came..and I got weary of waiting. And then finally I realized, I've stopped believing it.
For you, I hope the same thing won't repeat.
I hope you won't ever stop believing
I hope you wont have to wait for infinite amount of time unlike me for that miracle to happen to you.
And if ever you got tired of waiting just like me..
I want you to know just this one thing...
Even if miracles didn't exist, I do, and as long as that-I'm with you.
So even if you stopped believing in miracles, don't stop believing in me.
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server down
Date: Mar 21st, 2008 8:54:05 am - Subscribe
Mood: pissed off!
I'm so pissed off at my server...can't do a f***** thing online. Surprisingly, I have access to this site. I've been trying to log onto my fb account for like there past 1 hr or so, but it's just dumbly fruitless.
I wish instead I could have gone to the F1 auto fair. Thanks to my mom, even that option is not available to me. 
I'm just sick and tired of everything in my life, Can't seem to find any reason to live anymore. And next wk my mids coming up. I hope not to screw this up like my life.
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so tired
Date: Jan 19th, 2008 3:11:12 pm - Subscribe
I'm so tired. I feel all the energy, life has been drained away from me. I'm tired of this life...of living...of pretending.I can't take all these any more. Right now I don't even see an option for me to get out of my so-called life!
I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! Will my life go on this way forever? What have I ever done to anyone! Why is Allah punishing me this way? I didn't ask for all the happiness of the world, of all the world's love...just a tiny little share of it, just a little bit of his love and look what I got instead! Hurt, lies, betrayals, false dreams and hopes..everything that's just lie. My life is a sham..my living a lie, a pretense.
No one in this world really knows or understands me, even I'm a stranger to myself. I've built a character for myself and my life is my play..the worst joke God ever made. Everyday I play the roles of a daughter, a grand-daughter, a sister, a friend, a student..everything almost to perfection, except for the role of a person who is happy. Content. I can't ever be that person after what I went through...everything keeps coming back like a wave and every time I realize the stinking truth of my life, I keep losing my balance. I keep drowning in that sea where the ever-so demons await to feast on me, rip me apart...defeating me one more time..killing me one more time. But it's never the last time. I've tried it so much, so often to be that person, just like in my childhood days- that little girl whose life may be wasn't complete, yet she was happy and content. I try to remember her, try to be like her..but then I realize I'm no longer HER! No longer the little girl shielded by her parents from all those demons or merry with her little dolls and doll houses and oh! She had DREAMS..not to touch the sky or to hold the stars, but very TINY, LITTLE ones. I've lost it all..but not the memories of it, the ruins of those broken dreams still hurt like knives in my heart. One thing hasn't changed though..I'm still as naive as I was that day. He was right when he said I was childish. I'm really childish! I never grew up; may be that's why even the little things hurt me so much more, just like a child wailing because her parents won't buy her the doll she saw in a shop. Only this time there's no crowd to listen to her wails of misery. No parents to hold her tight and rub her tears away. Just alone in my own losing-battle with these demons!
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At the rooftop
Date: Jan 12th, 2008 1:45:09 pm - Subscribe
Mood: euphoric grateful
After the disastrous concert I went to yesterday, I decided even today I needed to get out of my home and do something..something I know I'd enjoy doing and please no crowds this time!
I finally convinced my mom to let me go to the rooftop by myself (she doesn't cause she's afraid I'd do something real stupid; like jump from it, and seeing my cynical view of life, no surprise there!). Anyway I'm digressing from my blog theme.
We have a huge roof. It's so huge, that a large concert can be held over there. Yes, while there, I was fantasizing about my favorite artists performing right there. To keep me company, I took my N70 filled with my recent mostly listened songs and I enjoyed it! I was feeling a bit wild while listening to one of my fav numbers 'free fall' by In Flames and even head banged..ALONE! I know it sounds crazy. 
My plan was to stay till the sun sets and watch the stars alight in the sky. And somehow I was granted that wish. I know it's such a simple and innocent wish, yet I was thrilled and euphoric after my wish was granted.
I felt ambiguous about everything I saw- a flock of birds were flying above my head at dusk. I wished I could be free like them. I even talked to them when I saw them circle above my head. I queried if they had lost their way back home too just like me. I also wondered if the flock belonged to one family and wished I'd a big, caring family like that too.
Okay, enough about birds! I guess I haven't said about the exquisite lake view I get to see beside this botanical garden we hae a bit distant from our house. There were lots of boats (i think they are fish boats) passing on the lake, lighting their hurricanes. It was amazing! I wish I could have been in one of them.
As the sun was going down, I sighted the moon too and I waited until the sky was illuminated with the twinkling stars. I felt like dancing and jumping around barefooted like a child, and to be honest even did a little bit of them (though I was afraid someone would come up and see how insane I've become) I wish there was a fire built, so I could spend the wintry night under the star-gazed, moonlit sky. I knew I could have spent the whole night there by myself.
After a long time today, I realized the beauty of the world and since long time I felt I was denied that right- the right to feel the beauty of this world. But today I felt it at that moment. And I'm grateful. 
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crying
Date: Jan 4th, 2008 5:36:46 am - Subscribe
Mood: abondoned
I went to sleep last night crying. I woke up in the morning crying, all the while feeling miserable and there's no remedy for this misery.
I still feel like crying my heart out. Even then I doubt how much better I'm gonna feel.
I can't seem to take this anymore. I wish I were dead. Before I used to beg Allah for mercy, to send someone to save me. I guess there is not just anyone like that meant for me. And I don't want to be saved. I want to be dead! Dead! Dead!
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the bad & the good
Date: Dec 17th, 2007 12:12:41 pm - Subscribe
Mood: shifty
I should be partying right now, or at least should stay away from home considering my exams are over! And finally it's semester break. But here I am rusting away my fingers typing the shit of my life!
I should be jubilant after giving a good exam with hard work done for the last couple of days, yet that feeling lasted only for a fleeting moment.
I'm still in a not so good mood and I just don wanna pin-point the reason for my foul mood.
I called him day before yesternight and well he'd his phone silent. I was a lot miserable so I went to IMVU and spilled everything to this guy I know nothing about except he lives in UK and his gf lives in Russia. Still it felt good to have him listen to my sob-story, when most people actually go to that place only for cyber-sex. He must have been god-send!
I still want to talk to him, but I can't do it every time he shuts me out like this. If he isn't interested- fine, I still need a closure, but I just don't seem to get to him.
He picked up the phone in the morn but didn't wanna meet me cause of his stupid band-practice. He didn't come online and when this morning he did, he didn't say anything to me. Ok I've to admit I can think of a couple of reasons for that--for e.g last night I texted him in an angry mood but I wasn't even remotely harsh. The more reasonable reason is-well he's in the office, but then again it's not like he never talks to me in the office! *sigh* This is so insane!
Enough about the bad side of my life.
Before starting this entry I decided I'd end it on a happy note. So here goes- I just got my semester break from today. And guess what! This was the last semester of my 2nd year!
Then there's eid coming too just in the next week and following that one of my friends wedding I'll be sure to attend outside this town. Lastly, I'm hoping by the end of this week, better by the end of today, things will get better between me and him, which is perhaps the least likely to happen. Either way I'm gonna come clean out of this! PROMISE!
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The Lil' Princess
Date: Dec 16th, 2007 7:16:30 am - Subscribe
Mood: sad
My dearest lil' princess
Why do you look so sad
In this world full of joy and cheer?
Why don't you smile like that lil girl
Barefooted on the street
When you have the whole world as your palace?
My dearest lil princess
Listen to me
This world is your oyster
But still why do you feel like it's a fortress?
Make this world your dreamland
Your world of fairy tales
Don't think of it as a prison or hell
Cause if you look through the mirror
You'll see this that world is heaven.
And you are never alone in this world
Cause you have your guardian angel
Always watching over you from the heaven
Cause you are an angelic lil princess,
Full of naivety and innocence,
And not an angel fallen from grace.
The monsters and demons are out there to get you
But don't ever lose faith
Cause fear is your worst opponent
And they are but only fragments of your imagination.
My lil princess why are you still so melancholy?
You know you are not lonely
The world around you sheds it beauty
For you only
Look around you
You'll see
The rose that spreads its fragrance
For you, my lil princess.
When you can't fall asleep at the dead of the night
There's a night angle that sings you lullaby
When you think you are lost,
Look up in the sky
There's a shining star to help you find your way.
Even when you think you are engulfed in shroud of darkness
For you the sun shines its goldness.
Still why do you drop those tears of pearl every night?
Why do you feel so alone?
You have your guardian angel
You have this world's beauty
And you'll always have me.
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untitled
Date: Dec 14th, 2007 4:59:49 am - Subscribe
Mood: disturbed
I cried myself to sleep last night after hours of trying to get to sleep and I woke up in the morning feeling no more better than yesterday.
I've been in this foul mood for the last couple of days. This is suppose to be my birth month and nothing has been all right since the start of this month. What a karma!
He still hasn't called and I guess that's the last reason why I'm upset. I'm missing someone else, the one I know will never return, at least not in my life and he'll be leaving after some month too. Why is it you can't hold onto the people you care for so much?? Or is it just me?
I thought of calling him last night, but then I decided against it. I have still that much pride left in me. I got more upset yesterday after giving a bad exam. It sucked! I'll probably end up getting another B!
Everything sucks in my life. Just everything. I'm trying hard to find something good in my life--but I just hit on a dead end!
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