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end-of am not - Subscribe
too much is
the lack,

and I curl
my body, a fist

around my
clenched heart.

look down,
walk straight

display armour,
inside whisper

you are loved,
you are loved —


but I’m not.

I am not,

and the lack
is too much.
0 Comments
Mood: spiky.

end-of curve. Mar 14th, 2018 4:10:41 pm - Subscribe
I’m not about
straight lines,
never was.

flawless
is not my kind
of beautiful.

I dwell in the
curves, in
the corners;

I’m alive in
the gradient
of light,

the elliptical orbit,
travel of shadow,
circuit of seasons.

I’m not about
the angle,
never will be.

what is
is what is
beautiful to me.

seek and find
along gentle hills,
in uneven riverbeds:

moss-soft wind,
houndstooth leaf,
full, round flesh.

I never was
about becoming
smaller.
0 Comments
Mood: warm.

evie For the record Feb 15th, 2018 1:05:22 pm - Subscribe
I'm hoping this isn't a full blown depressive episode. Felt a bit manic a few days ago but nothing too destructive. Now I'm not eating because I feel too overwhelmed to go to the store. I'm not particularly busy or stressed, just withdrawn. I have a date on Sunday but it's just kind of dissolving into the sea of all the guys who have been pressuring me to see them again. There really isn't anything I want to do or anyone I want to see. Things just feel so much harder than they are. My apartment has been a mess for a few weeks now. Knitting, cooking, reading have all been on the back burner for a couple days. My mind races and I can't focus. I just can't right now.
0 Comments
Mood: jaded

evie Last of the Acid Jan 21st, 2018 9:13:19 pm - Subscribe
Perched upon my mountaintop.
Looking down at all the people I once knew.
My influence is so weak, yet here I sit, watching it all. I know more than everyone but my voice isn't loud enough. I can tell everyone what I know but I'm too far away.
They see me here. They wave.
I wave back.
They love me.
But they're so far away.
So far away.
0 Comments

evie Deflated Mattress Dec 12th, 2017 1:58:02 pm - Subscribe
Lately things have been great. I wake up early and do little things to stay busy. I buy groceries, meal prep for the next few days, do dishes, put things away, do puzzles, yoga, drink countless cups of delicious tea, check the mirror to track my weight loss, enjoy the shows and hobbies that I put off while I was too sad to focus. As I leave for work in the evening, I look around my apartment and think "I'm nailing this."

I write down positive affirmations and short term goals. I'm rested and content. I'm ready for visitors at any given moment.

Not today.

Today my insides are screaming. I'm exhausted and lonely. I can't even get in the shower so I just washed my bangs to look presentable for work. I probably smell bad. Nothing is wrong or different. I'm just not okay today. And that is okay.
1 Comments
Mood: tranquil

evie Shh Oct 22nd, 2017 8:48:48 pm - Subscribe
I once slept with a married man in my old life, in a different town and state. He stopped by once again. I was his indulgence. An escape from his reality. He made plans to see me, now, in a different state, a different part of my life.

And cancelled.

My past is so foreign. Even the oddities and novelties won't approach me.

I have no idea who I was or who I've become.

I have always been a secret.
3 Comments

end-of in the shadow of the moon Aug 21st, 2017 10:54:51 pm - Subscribe
the god in you
gently brushed closed
the sun’s eyelid.

the god in me
spent her daytime hours
pulling us back

from underneath
the deep shadow
of the moon.

the god in the earth
held her breath,
only hoping —

at times, faith
is all we have
to fall upon.

the gods in us
in half-light stood,
a pinhole crescent;

and the god in me
bathes, relieved
in the evening glow.

the sky again
unencumbered.
the sun is free.
0 Comments
Mood: contemplative.

evie 319 Jul 8th, 2017 10:01:31 am - Subscribe
A light sandwich and an orange for lunch
Twenty minute nap
A handful of peanuts for a snack

Example was his only means of authority.
Never reckless
Never a raised voice or fist
His absence was never a result of anger.

Provide
Protect

Numbers and logic
rather than emotion and gossip

I can only cite a few of his countless accomplishments
And acts of kindness
From the tear stained words of strangers.
Never mentioned within the house
Not for fear of boasting
But because restoring a historic hotel
while cradling the dumb, derelict, and dying
are as obligatory and trivial to him as paying bills and folding laundry.
We never knew
but were never surprised
when the neighbors told us how much his actions meant.

I want to beg him to stay.
He has to because I still need him.
But I won't let him know
he failed to prepare me for this.

These things don't happen to men like him.
I should not have to accept his Ninth Step.
I don't want to admit that I deserve it.

1 Comments
Mood: fragile

evie Unlocked Jun 26th, 2017 9:49:50 pm - Subscribe
Tannar
Zach
Gregory
Hillary
Lucas or Bill
And Alex.

But still no job.
0 Comments
Mood: bruised

evie Apps Jun 15th, 2017 9:17:11 pm - Subscribe
Sometimes tinder dates lead to streaking with your hookup's girlfriend in a rainstorm.

I'm less unhappy than I was a few days ago.
0 Comments
Mood: worn

evie Never Have I Ever May 22nd, 2017 4:49:55 pm - Subscribe
I've never felt so sad, tired and lost that when a cop aimed his gun at my face I thought to myself, meh this is fine.

[Drinks]
5 Comments
Mood: intrigued

evie Updates Dec 15th, 2016 3:17:47 pm - Subscribe
I spent ten years of my life finishing my degree, working in housekeeping, and living in less than desirable apartments. Friends have come and gone. Mostly gone. Romantic relationships have ranged from complicated to abusive. I can't remember a time when I had confidence that things would be okay.

Three months ago I moved to South Dakota. My boyfriend graciously allowed me to move in to his small apartment for the time being, and to keep my boxes piled high in his living room. The boxes do not contain anything valuable. Useless antiques, dresses that don't fit, craft supplies, and a ridiculous amount of makeup that I bought during a manic episode over a year ago.

I was optimistic. I have a college degree and proof that I'm a hard working, loyal employee. I had no doubt that I would be able to get a decent job right away.

I applied to over thirty jobs since I got here. Mostly receptionist jobs. I don't want to be a receptionist. I want a career that I care about. I want to work for an organization or a non-profit. I want to help the mentally ill, disabled, addicted. I want to assist the marginalized, the ones society gave up on. I want to go to bed at the end of the day and feel like I made a difference. I want to matter.

No one will hire me. I've had four interviews out of the endless applications that I filled out. Only one hired me. I couldn't commit to that job. I couldn't justify putting that much of myself into something I didn't care about. I don't want to go back to housekeeping. That's not why I came here.

I kept looking and applying. It was the first time in my life that I didn't immediately give up.

Now I'm giving up. I feel worthless.

It's so cold here. Trump is the new president. His cabinet is full of garbage. Standing Rock won a small victory only to have their water destroyed by an existing pipeline. I have no hope. The country is dying. Racism and misogyny are fighting full force.

I'm losing my health insurance next month. I'm running out of money. Food doesn't taste good. I haven't slept in my boyfriend's bed in weeks. I don't sleep well anyway. I'm stuck inside my head day after day, and I can't stand the person in the mirror. Every second that I'm awake and sober feels like an hour. I don't know who I am or who I want to be. I'm running out of options. I'm so tired. I feel like letting go.
1 Comments

end-of ten years. Jul 16th, 2016 6:12:50 pm - Subscribe
I was the same soul
when this began

the words in my veins
never change;
but more arrive
every day

ten years slipped
past like a wave

there was always
a home for me
in poetry and in
this imaginary place

this decade is
the one I am built on

ten years from now
I will still be
this soul, this
human, this sister

I will still be a dreamer
you'll know me

recognize me
by my words
and my seasons
if we ever passed

I will know you by
your constant light

my love songs are
for the ocean and
for you, if you
still remember

meet you ten years
down the road.
5 Comments
Mood: joyful.
inspiration: I've been writing here for a decade. thanks for existing <3

evie Utilitarianism Jun 13th, 2016 6:24:01 pm - Subscribe
I never mean to hurt people. It just happens. I know my actions cause pain. Things aren't black and white. There is no longer a right and wrong like there was when I was a child.

Don't take things that don't belong to you.
Share with others.
Don't say mean things.
Keep your hands and feet to yourself.
Don't cut in line.
Treat others the way you want to be treated.

It was simple. Don't hurt people. There is no longer a line separating the two. Now I try to go by the rule of "cause minimal suffering."

There are not enough words in the english language to describe different types of love or the way it can change over time. People can fall in and out of love. People can love people they never thought they could love. Love can fluctuate rapidly over periods of time. Love can surprise and frighten us. People can love multiple people equally. Some people only love themselves.

I loved someone but not as much as he loved me. Some days I felt like my love for him could grow into what he felt for me. I just needed more time, I thought. There was not a single thing I disliked about him. We didn't always see eye to eye and I didn't see a future with him. I knew my heart wasn't in it but I didn't want it to be true. I wanted to feel the same way. I felt defective. While I felt comfort, I wanted passion. When we were together, I wanted to be alone. When he initiated sex, I wanted sleep.

He told me it was the worst thing that anyone ever did to him. He called my friends "faggots" and accused me of wanting to have sex with an asexual. He told me I "shit on" him and repeatedly asked why I was doing this to him. He told me I was phony and that I am a different person around my friends. He said I try too hard to be cool. He said I used him. He told me to fuck off too many times to count.

In three months, he gave me too much power. He expected too much. I didn't mean to hurt him.

I believe everything he said. I feel like an uncaring monster.
0 Comments
Mood: unstable

evie Dear Diary Mar 13th, 2016 5:37:26 pm - Subscribe
Things really fell apart these past few weeks. I tried to cut ties with a toxic person who was sucking the life out of me when she announced that my best friend raped her.

I tried to comfort her. I offered to take her to the police station. Though her story changed several times, the details didn't add up, and it was drastically out of character for him to do such a thing, I believed her. Unfortunately, his side of the story made more sense. He didn't change the details or the sequence of events. He showed me text messages that contradicted things that she told me.

She threw a fit when I told her I needed space. I never told her that I doubted her story, rather that I was having trouble dealing with the fact that someone I knew and loved for six years is a rapist and that this was just too much drama for me to handle right now. She accused me of abandoning her and screamed about the fact that he and I referred to each other as best friends. I suddenly realized that she was completely obsessed with me and this was her way of getting him out of the picture so that I would have more time to take care of her.

I'm terrified of her now.

Meanwhile in my life, I finally decided to stop doubting the state of my relationships, to simply love my significant other and trust that he loves me. It was time to end the relentless distance and move in with him. I had never been so ready for anything. It was the first time in our relationship that I ever made a decision without first begging for reassurance. It felt like a major milestone for me.

He broke up with me while I was driving.

I cried for hours, knowing that our good times together had to come to an end, but also mourning the life I had envisioned for myself, escaping this town and becoming the person I honestly believed I could be, relaxing into stability and comfort of the only man I ever truly fell for.

Instead I reverted back to my old ways. I smoked dope, popped pills, and drank with Keli, like I always do when I can't handle the truth. I slept with old friends and bartenders. I'm the same person I was before I met him. He was a five-year pipe dream.

It seems as though my life has completely fallen apart. I'm stuck. I will never have enough money to leave this place on my own. The most important person in my life finally realized that he is better off without me. My best friend may or may not be a rapist. I unintentionally hurt an obsessive, unstable woman while trying to do what was best for my well-being.

When I told Bartender that I don't have any friends left, he said "Sure you do." I looked into his eyes, pleading for compassion. He pointed to my drink and said "You have a friend right there in front of you."
1 Comments
Mood: shattered

end-of after. Feb 20th, 2016 4:24:28 am - Subscribe
after.

it's always
after
that the full
impact hits.

it's later,
in the quiet.

it's not
when I am
in it
that I feel it:

it's after,
on my own.

in memory,
I want all
the wanting
that I

could not
allow

with you
right there
in reach.

I never
reach
for you.

instead,
after
you go,

when I
am alone,

I tremble
and spin
in currents

too strong;

I ache,

but only

after.
0 Comments
Mood: aching.

end-of February Feb 8th, 2016 6:27:01 pm - Subscribe
it's better
than words,
and I am

lost in it,
spellbound
I'm dreaming

memory plays
while I wander
in its haze

and follow the
shades of you,
echoes of us

blind to the
night roads
the grey sky

what I see is
your smile and
your dark eyes

laughing with
the past, I
let time slip

turn a corner
step into the
february flurry

swirling cascade
of a million
blushing petals

from tree limbs
austere and bare
one week ago

the air is alive
with these threads
of tenderness

beginning
rains down
onto me and

I can't help it:
shut my eyes
and hope hard

this is better
than words and
I'm lost in it.
0 Comments
Mood: brave

end-of other stars. Jan 31st, 2016 6:57:17 am - Subscribe
ten years ago

one clear
mountain night
we watched
orion rise

in the firelight
I fell and fell
in love
the first time

ten years later

worlds apart
I ran beneath
the night sky
in all your stars

and all along
you were
over my
shoulder

I thought
it was to
cast my path
into darkness

to show me
my own
shadows
ten years later

orion holds
in the east
all along you lit
the way for me

as if I
could go
back to
the mountain

the firelight
to that night
could touch
our young faces

could say
yes. yes
love is real
love is worthy

it is all,
it moves
the sun
the other stars

ten years later
orion holds
worlds apart
we collide
2 Comments
Mood: nostalgic.

evie Interpretations Jan 10th, 2016 10:09:18 pm - Subscribe
Last night I had a thickly veiled dream about Hays. I was sitting on my couch watching a movie when Frank tapped on my window. My heart raced and I jumped up to let him in. I'm always excited to see him. But as I made my way to the door I saw Chris's van parked out front. I looked out the window and saw Chris grinning and waving at me. I asked Frank what the hell he was doing there and he just kept insisting that I let them in. I stood at the window, conflicted. If I allow my old friend Frank to come inside, I would have to let the worst human being possible inside as well. I closed the blinds and paced around my apartment, unable to make a decision.

Frank represents the comfort of staying in Hays. He never changes. I'm never disappointed because I never expect anything. Our relationship never blossoms into romance, which means he can never let me down or hurt me. There are no risks with Frank.

Chris is my shitty job, shitty apartment, racist coworkers, all the people that I run into on a regular basis, but wish I could never see again. He is the bad experiences and the complete lack of growth.

If I stay in Hays, I cannot have one without the other. I can't allow one in while slamming the door on the other. If I take a risk and leave Hays, I'm leaving behind the comfort and familiarity of a place I've called home for nearly ten years.

But I would also leave behind this lazy, unambitious person I've become.

0 Comments
Mood: apprehensive

end-of reflection Dec 21st, 2015 1:22:49 am - Subscribe
I was made
for the empty
bloodless hours

I was a temple
to memory
a reflection

I was born for
thin shadows
winter moonlight

I understood
solitude at the
intrinsic level

I was meant
to hold hands
with ghosts

I was less
a person, more
a hypothesis

I was the one
holding on
to the past
0 Comments
Mood: watchful.