Half way
Date: Dec 17th, 2017 11:33:37 am - Subscribe
Mood: reluctant

"If you can't change something, then you should change your reaction to it."-Unknown

I have been trying to change myself. How I behave around him. It is not easy but baby steps.

Few days back, I read this book The Girl on The Train, it was a book about this woman Rachel, who was distraught, depressed, bitter, after her husband left her for someone else. I realized once I was Rachel for someone too. Only once but sometimes once is enough to ruin you forever. Ever since then I vowed I'd never be a Rachel. No man, no human would have that much power over me.

Sometimes I feel almost changed, but sometimes my doubts, insecurities will still resurface. It's especially hard on the days I do see him. It doesn't happen immediately, but over time builds up and crashes all over me. In those times, I tell myself, I won't be a Rachel or who I used to be. What bothers me most is the feeling of something unresolved. If I don't think of him, spend time with him, I will still see him in my dreams and I hate my subconscious for it. I feel I'll not have closure because of this unresolved thing, because I never told him how I feel so I wish these feelings would just begone and never resurface or make my heart twitch for something I can never have.

In my heart, I know, I am absolutely sure this is for the best, and perhaps this is the only thing that has held me together all this time, our worlds, minds are poles apart. We would have been a disaster together. I try to not think of a utopian world where it wasn't so. But it is what it is and I have come to accept that. May be not fully yet, but I am half way there.

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