You and him
Date: Oct 22nd, 2019 10:19:15 pm - Subscribe
I was surprised to get your message today. To get the confirmation memo that you haven't completely forgotten me after all. I wanted to ask you if it was my dreams that pulled you towards me. I wanted to tell you that I saw you in my dreams few nights back but I felt it was something too personal to share. Even though it was you in my dreams, they were after all my dreams.
Once again you appeared in my life when I was at my low. I was depressed, more like numb and empty the last few days. Even with so much going on for me, even with all the love, I don't know why I am filled with this emptiness. It always makes me want things that have no place in my life, it makes me miss him, it makes me yearn for a home, for someone I can call my own, someone I can love freely and with every right. Yesterday was such a day when I was at my lowest and asked God that not a lot, but just a little bit of love I wish he had kept for me in this world, not too much happiness but just a little respite from this pain I wish I had. Brokenness can be exhausting.
When I saw your message, it felt as if God had answered my prayer through you. Sometimes, there are incidents, miracles that almost make me want to believe in a god again like the day I first met you and like receiving your message today after so long and other miracles. Sometimes I wonder if these are random coincidences or there really is a god who wants me to believe in him again but I can't , something always stops me- the memory of that pain, the emptiness in me, the strength I had to muster to live on after him, I can never forget or forgive or understand. I know there is a lot in my life that others don't, I have so many blessings, so many people who love me, sometimes it almost feels as if it is His way of trying to compensate for the one love He couldn't give me. And I'm sorry too that all the love in the world seems to fall short in front of the love I felt for him. I loved him too much. More than too much. I used to think I can't live without him. I can't go on a day without talking to him. My mornings used to start with him. My nights used to end with him. He was the sun, the moon, the stars, the entire freaking universe to me. When he left it literally felt like someone had destroyed my whole universe, there was no meaning to life at all. Only I know how many times I died in those days and nights. Only I know how I learned to live without him at all. And look at me now, after learning to live without him, I feel like I can live without everyone, I can live with my loneliness, my pain, my emptiness, my brokenness, I can live with it all and live without needing anyone in my life, even you.
Meeting you in life was the only exception but by the time we met it was too late for both of us. You already loved someone else and so did I. You never felt the same for me, I would have never been enough for you and I was done trying to convince others to love me for who I was not. It is a shame you will never know that you were the light to my darkness, the one who made me feel anything at all after him, the one who made me wish to believe in God again.
We will always be only this. Nothing more than an unnamed could be.
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