... There came the rainbow ^_^
|I'm unable to sleep tonight. It has been like this since my dog passed away a couple of weeks ago. Whenever the clock strikes 1 or 2 in the morning, there will always be a dog or two howling so chilly and loud that you can hardly close your eyes and sleep. I know it sounds rather weird (well, it is, after all), but it has been said that the dogs only do this when they see a ghost. Although I don't have any scientific evidence to support the claim, both my mum and sister reported that they saw Mickey not long after he died. I wonder could it really be him? Looking back, the dog has lived with my family for almost ten years, so long that I forgot his real age already. He was loyal, playful and made a perfect companion all his life. Besides, he was also very protective and watchful of the house. I believe that is the reason why he was dropped down dead with unknown poison on the night of June 30. I had not seen it coming. Nobody in my family did. It just happened so suddenly and very unexpectedly. The sight of his dead body in the pool of blood seeping out of the skin is too painful enough. What has he done to deserve such severe penalty? I miss him, so terribly.|
|Time flies when you're having fun. This saying is pretty much applied to me and the one full year (and a little bit more) that I was away from Aeonity. No, I'm not new here but yes, I do miss the feeling when I poured my endless thoughts into the blog very religiously- how I miss the good old days! Anyway, it is crystal clear to me that Aeonity has changed a whole lot (in a positive way, of course!) and I have to admit that I do like the color scheme that can be changed almost instantly - very cool and responsive, which kind of reminds me about the messenger service of MSN's. Well, it's been raining like nearly every day here and I'm so pleased that my final exams ended a couple of weeks ago (thank God!). For this reason, I'm looking forward to be posting more entries here very soon. Glad to be back =)|
After discovering something, I've decided I will no longer be posting public blogs.
For those of you who decided that it was okay to just copy and paste my thoughts, feelings, life experiences..Thanks a lot. Its nice to know that when I get upset with someone, you'll just copy and paste it into your stupid journal descriptions, websites, whatever...I'm not flattered, just angry. Get your own thoughts and feelings. Use your own words. Get a life.
Been awhile again... Theres just some things i wanna get off my chest and i dont think anyone around me is willing to listen.
Ok... so heres what happened, ive been with my gf for 2 months now, shes 2 yrs older than me.
Well the other day we were talking about kids and she told me that she actually had a kid whos is turning 3 in may. Her daughter lives somewhere else and she rarely ever sees her. She never bothered to mention this before and i dont think this is too fair of her to mention it now.
Iunno... its not that i dont love her, its just that... i dont think this is where i want my life to lead to now, i still think i have alot of potential to do something great. I think if i keep getting involved with her then im just gonna settle down... and i cant do that yet... im far from finished... if i knew she had a kid before we started dating, then i probably would of thought twice about going out with her... I know thats an awful thing to say but... iunno...
Iunno what to do...
Heh... so its christmas time again, I dont do too well on holidays, especially Christmas.
Seems like everyone is mad at me during christmas, especially my parents... the whole day they were screaming and yelling at me to do all these things and it just made me really sad cuz i couldnt do everything they asked and i didnt want to say anything back cuz i just wanted everyone to be happy.
Well after i did all they asked i went into my room and just sat looking at my hands cuz they were shaking alot and iunno... i just really wanted to cry... so as i sat there, my dad walks in and says that he couldnt afford to buy me a gift this year cuz he had to buy everyone else one and there was so much i wanted to say to him but i didnt... i just told him it was ok and that i didnt want anything anyways...
During most of this i waited for my gf to come back from what she was doing and she even seemed mad at me... i really needed her today and now she wont even talk to me.
*sigh* i remember christmas being so awesome for me, being around my whole family and getting lots of presents and now... its just the hardest day of the year for me... i never get to the point of breaking as i do on christmas...
um... but yeah... i think im done
*To Perfect* Hun, your the only reason why i even come to this site, i wanted to wish you a very happy christmas. I hope everything goes alright for you, i love you hun, take care
.. SCHOOL BLOWS.
MY FRIENDS BLOW.
MY FAMILY BLOWS MOST.
.. Oh, and I'm leaving this shit-tastic state this Saturday. This will also be my last blog post, seeing as we don't have the internet out there yet. Hoorah...
.. My stress level has gone up due to a few people. I'm back to my normal days where I fucking cry all the damned time. But, it's mostly one person. =| And he doesn't give a rats ass how I feel. Thanks.
Now, I'm going to bed before I get my ass kicked for being up.
Moving to California sometime this month, can't take it here anymore..
.. I lost my boyfriend a while ago, and today is the first time that I have cried about him being gone..
.. I really miss him eventhough I know he hates me. 3
Nothing much else to say..
Just heading to work..
..... BANDS ARE AMAZING.
I thought, for the longest time ever, that Iowa was a shitty state and no one that lived here was cool.
.. But oh boy, I was proven wrong by two local bands lastnight. They are fucking amazing.
... Slaughter House 6 and P.S.
I like Slaughter House 6 better, don't tell Zane that he might beat me.
.. Alright, I went with Matt, and not may people ended up showing, that we knew anyways. This one boy, Cody, one of Matt's friends showed up. This boy is fucking funny, I love the way he dances, and the way he picks on me. (He's mean, nice, and funny at the same time.)
.. P.S. played first.. I didn't mind them much, I wasn't feeling the beats just yet..
..Then, up next was Slaughter House 6... They made me stand and go up near the stage, where all of the kids were moshing like crazy. .. They rocked my fucking socks off to Hell and back. They are now my second to favorite band, just behing the popular group: Coheed & Cambria.(which Zane likes a whole lot.)
.. When standing in the moshing crowd, I couldn't take my eyes off of the lead singer, Chris, he was soooo amazing, not only his voice, and his moves up on stage, but he was soooo cute. Standing there staring up at him, I seemed to catch his gaze, which made me giddy like no other. Seeing someone like him standing in front of a crowd, singing while staring back at me.. Wow.
He then asked for the crowd of moshers to get up on stage with the band for the last song, I didn't want to get up there, considering I'm so fucking shy around people... I was the only one standing out on the floor, it was weird, but I didn't want to get on stage.. One of the other band members reached out to me and told me to get up on stage, so I took his hand and he pulled me up.
.. Now I was lost in the sea of dancing people and the band, the one that had helped me on stage came up to me while he was playing his bass and was wanting me to dance around with him, I just stood there laughing at him.
... After the song, the members were sitting on the edge of the stage, and the people I was with went up to them and started talking, the band was so cool, I really enjoyed how they interacted with the crowd and such.
.. At the end of the night, Matt and I were going to be stuck out at the fair-grounds.. Not planning a ride home..
.. Thank God for Zane, I don't know what I would have done without him, he drove us home then I sat on the couch and watched cartoons 'till I went to sleep.
<3333 THE END. <3333
...I'm really fucking pissed off today..
..First of all, some fat fuck that's friends with my brother put my tiny little sweatshirt on, he probably stretched it out, and it smells like dog now.. Fucking gay..
..Two, I got called to the office.. I had to wait for over half an hour on my lunch break so that the stupid girl could talk to a fucking teacher while I wasted away my time.. I wasted all of that time just to hear her say that I have four days of detention.. Yay.
..Third, I had to sit through this stupid test deal about our life and drugs and also if we live in a good home environment thing.. Waste of my time.
...Fourth, I had to watch Jenna and John for around an hour and a half, touch, hold, kiss, hug, and tell eachother how much they loved eachother.. Made me feel real awesome knowing the person that I wanted to be with more than anything else, I couldn't be with for a few more months, and that's if his mom allowed him to come and see me..
..FIFTH, AND WORST OF ALL.. I broke up with my boyfriend.. Biggest mistake I'll ever make.. I still love him more than anything.. I told him that, but it doesn't seem to matter to him how I feel.. I'd do anything I could to make it up to him, -anything-.. I only wish that he could know how I feel...
..Oh well for me.. My own fucking fault, I'm the biggest mistake within my mistakes..
.. You know, when I write these, most of the time I can't think of a good enough title. But, titles aren't the important thing right? Damn right, it's the things the body is made of that makes these important..
I just got off of work, it sucked balls. But, a small group of preppy people came to see me, that's something you really want to see you at work. Besides that, I kept being bitched at by this girl that worked there, I really really hate her.
..But.. All of the things I have to go through are worth it, and, as you all might have noticed.. No matter what I seem to write about, it always is drawn back to Nicholas.
Which really can't be helped anymore, when he is -always- on my mind. Right now I'm wishing he was online so I could talk to him, maybe tomorrow we can talk to eachother all day and night, I'm thinking of buying another phone card, or a cell phone this time. Who knows? I really never do.
..And no one else seems to know either.
Anyways, I'm tired as fuck.
So... G'night people.
....I can't balance out school, work, and my personal life..
..Right now, I'm an emotional mess.. But, out of all the emotions I feel right now, I feel sorry the most.. I don't know why, but, I think I make peoples' lives much much worse than they already are, no matter what anyone says about it..
When I was at work tonight, I was thinking," Why the Hell am I even here doing all of this?"
One answer: For Nicholas.
Let's see.. If I didn't have him I wouldn't care about doing good in school, working to have money, or even being alive for that matter. It may seem stupid to say those things, but they are true.
I need money for when we are older, and for gas so we can drive to see eachother.
I do well in school now so that my dad would allow him to come visit me.
And, the only reason I feel like I'm even living is for him..
.. I feel so.. I don't know.. I hate myself right now, I'm such a fucking dumbass.. And a crybaby..
I'm leaving now..
..If you know me, then you already know this.
And some of the things I can't wait for are:
1.) Nicholas coming to see me for Christmas Break. <33- If he can, which be better he able to.
2.) Going to Hawaii after winter break.
3.)Summer, which means a road-trip, and I'm probably going to go see Nicholas again. He doesn't know about that yet.
And... I'm tired, I have school tomorrow for the first time, and I'm tired, bye.
Love you, Nicholas. <3333
Beh... I told Nicholas I was going to go to bed when he did.. Then I told him, that I wasn't going to because I wasn't tired, but, I lied, I tried to sleep.. I just can't.
..Little boy, it's all your fault!
I keep thinking about you non-stop.. It's getting really bad, in a way that I remember every little detail of my dreams that you're in, and I remember every little thing that you say.
I feel like I need you around all the time, which I can't have, and, I feel like you don't need me as much as I need you.
When you're not around, I'm upset.. But when you come on to say something to me, like you won't be on long because someone is over or something like that, and then you leave, it makes me even more upset because I really don't want you to go..
I'm glad I fell in love with you, and I'm trying not to say or do anything to piss you off enough to make you leave me or say those same things you said when we got into that really bad fight with Amber..
I know I'm stupid, and I say stupid things sometimes.. But, I really don't mean them..
I have so many thoughts right now I can't even think of want to say next and my tears aren't helping me at all at this point..
.. I really really love you, and I can see us being together even when we are older..
But.. That will only happen if you allow it..
I need to go to bed now, it's late.. And I have work in the morning, which you already know about.. So..
I love you, Nicholas..
Sweet dreams and stay safe...
<3 Forever and always..
.... I'm starting not to care anymore..
It seems all of the people I find important don't seem to care anymore, either.
I'm tired of going out of my way to make people feel special.. They don't even act like they care.
I'm tired of crying all of the time.
I'm tired of being yelled at.
I'm tired of all the things people say to me.
I'm tired of being called names.
I'm tired of being depressed and feeling like shit.
I'm tired of people using me and cheating on me.
I'm tired of being lied to.
I'm tired of everything..
... But the thing I'm most tired of..
Is having my heart broken by everyone I come to fall in love with..
It happens every time..
.... I think this might be the end. I just don't fucking care anymore..
...No one else does... So why should I?
It's been a while before posting anything at all.. I've had thoughts about it, but never really did it.
That's what happens when you are really lazy.
Well, since Tuesday my friend Shawna, from New York has been staying with me. She left at one pm today.
It was really fun, I had someone to talk to and keep me busy with something most of the time. We got to go to the mall and blow our money on nothing, drive around for two days, sleep 'till forever... She kept me happy, I wasn't depressed at all, except the last two days.. I was crying really bad after getting onto the computer and talking to some people. I went downstairs so that I could get away from her before she could see that I was upset, and once I did I came back upstairs, to see her standing in the hallway looking at me.
I'm not going to say the reason I was crying here in this blog, I know the people who read it and I don't want them to know about it until I'm ready to say something about it, which could be any time.
..I really don't feel like saying anything else right now, and I'm not going to post anything else for this entry..
|Nowadays, I try not to possess what I don't really need. In fact, I think I have begun to enjoy the activity of keeping or collecting worldly possessions, such as simply staring at the Sun, the moon, the stars and the sky, eventually. Due to I found my life too fat and loaded with too many things that aren't really relevant to myself too many times before. Look at my wardrobe, it is filled with a pile of clothes that looked extremely cool in the boutique, but it makes me feel kind of shy and awkward whenever I go out in the public. Jewelry, cosmetics and other accessories are also included. This got me thinking that I could have saved a fortune if I had not spent it all on the above-mentioned items. How I wish I had my money back! Therefore, I try to think twice before purchasing any products to avoid feeling guilty for buying it later on. Well, I still wish that I could turn back the hands of time somehow so that I wouldn't waste any of my money away, but of course, that's nothing but merely a wishful thinking, I know.|
|I will be accompanying my grandma to visit her dear friend in Paris next summer, which is certainly a good news here. However, there's a far more pressing matter that's needed to be considered as soon as possible. I may have to move to stay with my auntie who's been assigned a new position in another state for three years very soon. The problem is she's already moved to the new location since 2004, but she seems to be homesick and lonely still. Due to all of her family members, her husband and their two sons, have to stay and work here. For this reason, she wanted me to live near her, enrol in the university of her choice, and quit the course that I am currently studying here. Well, I have to admit that I've always dreamed of getting away from my hometown, gain a raw sense of freedom, and start a life in a whole new place, but on the other hand, I'm still afraid of starting all over again, and I am also scared I might just make a stupid mistake and lose it all. The worst thing is I have to be away from my boyfriend for a really long time, and I totally despised it. I've never been away from him before, and I certainly don't want to now. What a painful dilemma!|
..Most of this is mushy, and if you don't like reading this sort of stuff, then don't read it..
I have been sitting here, which figures because I'm a lazy bastard, but as I sit my mind keeps coming back to the thought of you.
.... Your birthday is coming up so soon, you already know because I won't drop the subject of it. I know I've given you your prestent and things already, which was a drawing(for those people who don't know). Some reason I don't feel like it was even close to being enough, I want to do so much more for you but I can't, which really sucks.
Sooooo... I will just write a lot about you instead.
What to say about you first.. Uhh...
-You are so fucking beautiful::
I love your curly brown hair, it looks so soft and playful.
Your nose, it's so cute and round, that's why I call you PoohBear.
Your voice, it's cute and makes me smile when I hear it.
It's not only your looks that I love, it's also your personality. You're so warm and playful all of the time, you have a great sence of humor, which makes me laugh. You are hardly ever down, and really suportive of me, even when I'm being a complete ass.
-We like a lot of the same things::
Music, although we don't like the same things, atleast you enjoy it and I love the songs you made me in FL Studios.
Drawing, we both do it, except I do it more because I have less of a life than you.
Video gaaaames, we like different things in this catagory, also. But, I still like some of the games you play.
Beh... It's hard to think when you keep bothering me about thinking. Stoooop it...
You are just perfect, that is all. <33
Stay the way you are.
Love you more than anything, Nicholas.
Forever x Always.
|I had dinner with my mum last night and it feels really special. We went to this Italian pizzeria and ordered a small-sized chicken and mushroom pizza. Now let me tell you I just love eating the pizza with her, because she likes to divide the pizza into 4 slices. She only takes one piece, and then the rest will always be given to me. It is not that she does not like Italian food. She just seemed to be rather worried about the high calories and all. Well, I love to eat nearly every kind of food anyway, so I have no complaint about her ultimate decision at all. After that, we went to the shopping mall to get my mum a pair of pretty shoes, and we also bought a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables there before heading home as well. To speak my mind, I have not felt this close to her for a really long time, so I guess I have to thank my mother for making all of this happened. Thanks a lot, mum.|