i had no idea a person could change so much. i really regret sending that email...but i felt provoked.
i just want things over with and resolved.
maybe a hug too.
and to curl up in a ball and never wake up.
well...maybe to wake up to a hug and some comfort.
so im staying in Oklahoma.
i found a job at the Santa Fe Cattle Co. down here...as a watiress...i start on monday.
i can't believe i did it.
i guess everyone is disappointed in me.
except for me.
i'm proud of myself. i'm proud that i have the balls to do what i'm doing.
i don't think there is anything wrong with that.
wow. Oklahoma is sure not what i expected it to be. But i love it!
Mostly, yeah, its flat as a fucking pancake, but still...it kinda reminds me a little of central Minnesota...only without all the trees.
i'm extremely happy here. Everyone is friendly (with the exception of stupid drivers down here...trust me they are abnormally beyond the normal scale of stupid)
I can't wait to call this my new home!
i'm going to OKlahoma....
hopefully it will work out
so lets be nice and cheer for me.
who loves fall out boy??
i sure do.
angry lyrics to such catchy music.
its been one of those emotionally exhausting days....fuck...i thought i was totally over those
can't wait for the day i can go home and kick back with a beer and bitch about my day with someone who understand emotional bullshit
ever had one of those days where you should have just stayed in bed??
did you have a shit day too?
tell me about it.
i bet i can top yours
the freedom that i haven't had since i graduated high school. HOLY SHIT!
im glad it was mutual.
on the otherhand.....i'm glad i get to go to OK.
looks like maybe Joe and I will finally work out.
after fucking years of waiting...lol
i'm in a funk.
i've had a cold for almost 2 weeks and its kicking my ass.
not only that, but all of my family and my friends have been telling me the same thing....gee, its not like this is the most depressing time of year...and i still haven't found out if i have financial aid yet.
i'm pissed, i'm tired....and i'm frustrated....because someone is telling me one thing and my head and heart are conflicting on it.
someone sweep me off my feet please.
i don't understand guys...men in general
they say somethings and do another and i just don't understand why they would do something to jeopardize a relationship
he's going to thanksgiving with me...i guess i'm nervous about my family because they don't like the situation that i'm in
it seems like ben is teeing off to one of his friends
i just want a little face time after all week i've been working and so has he
is that too much to ask for?
I DONT FUCKING THINK SO.
i can't believe i'm actually on my own. i mean even though i'm with ben, it feels like its just me.
all these things have changed, and i love him more than anything! but it still seems almost surreal that fate has brough us to this point. that i'm actually doing what i want to do for a change. and i shouldn't let little fancies get in the way of the great thing that i have. reading someone's blog today helped me realize that God has blessed me with ben. and none of us are perfect, its just what we do with the things that we are given that make us who we are.
ok...things will be tight for a while
last night i was so scared.
i was scared that i was going to lose the one man that ive really given my whole self to.
lots of saving money and working...last night was a wake up call.
i don't want to lose him
my family understands that now.
i get my stubborness from them...but my grandma is going to help me by giving me things for the apartment.
and he's coming up tonight...i don't know what i'm going to do...i know he's still mad at me...
and i understand that. i've been acting really immature and irresponsible....all the things that my mom has been telling me that i've been acting...
i just wish i could go back to being the person that i was in high school
that person really had a head on her shoulders.
"who do you think you are? hahaha bless your soul...you really think you're in control?"
i'm back for the summer!!
cool beans right?
tell me how much you love me and how much you missed me!
i'm really hurt and confused.
i don't know what i was feeling tonight. i couldn't communicate it at the time. what i do know is that i messed something up. sure i didn't get a lot of sleep last night, but that doesn't mean that that is the one reason thats making me emotional.
i'm sorry i couldn't tell you that i just wanted to be alone with you. and watching the basketball game with my mom and brother wasn't what i had in mind. i didn't want sex, i just wanted to be alone with you and cuddle. because this is your last weekend here. your last weekend before the summer where i only get to see you once every couple weeks. the summer where we'll both be working our asses off.
its hard when you're just dating to spend time apart, but its even harder when you're engaged. and its especially hard for me because even though you say its going to work out for the best, i'm not used to this. you've become my best friend, my shoulder to cry on. you alone know everything that's going on in my head, you know how to fix my problems, you know what i want out of life. i've never had that kind of relationship before with anyone. i've never been engaged before. i've never connected with anyone on this level before. and that's what makes this hard. because being without you for 10 days was hard enough as it was, and i'm sorry if i'm so clingy. but i just have this thing where if im unsure of something i hold on to the person i most love. and thats you. and i'm afraid that if i hold on too tight i'm going to push you away. and essentially, i'm just an insecure person, i may seem really strong, but i'm really not. i only mananged to hold myself together for my mother when she was with bud. but now that she's been turning her back on me, i've just broken down. i don't feel like the same person i did when you first met me. and i get worried about that. the thing that i'm most scared about is turning into her. and i don't want to put you through that. i want to be the best person i can be for you because i love you that much. you mean the world to me. i've never been so sure in my entire life that you're the person i want to be with the most. i'm just so worried that some outside force is gonna do something this summer. and even though right now i'm acting immature, and i'm overreacting, and i'm being overemotional...i think i have a right to be. i'm just sorry the night turned out like this.
last night i took ben to the UMD v SCSU game
it was a fun experience....game was kind of a letdown
but there's always next year...and at least we made it that far
and then chatting with his sister..lol
just talking with ben, finding things out...i love that
last night we shared a lot
i like that we can still do that
life is cruel
you start looking like shit
and clammy and cold sweating
and you want to be productive and your body just shuts down
what the fuck!
any ideas for promise rings? i like gemstones...so think a long those lines
i feel so broken
and i just keep crying
i try to be happy
and i am sometimes
but then i just dont feel like i'm doing something right or that i'm not pleasing
and i start to cry again
and i cant figure out whether i should stay or go
and i'm scared
because i just want to be loved whole heartedly and i want to be shown that
i just bought 5 pairs of pink underwear
and to think that purchasing those 5 pairs made me feel more grown up and womanly than i ever have in a long time.
i finally feel in control of myself. moreso than i have in a long time.
i just need to get used to this and keep being in control.
i love being myself and enjoying myself. mostly i really like doing things for other people. like my boyfriend.
last night i was able to be there for him. like he was for me. that was so great. it felt like someone didn't need me necessarily but wanted me there, because its true. he wanted me there with him.
that's a great feeling
so it was good
benny and i went to the lake this weekend again
and my grandmother is the best cook ever. i'm not even kidding you
and on the way back tonight we talked about our future. and a big day that's coming up for us in like 2 years...and we want the same things about it
i'm so happy we're on the same page
so this is the new year
and i don't feel any different
anyway, death cab for cutie lyrics aside...
i'm just whelmed
but in love
tonight at work jeramy came in and that was hugely uncomfortable.
i'm sitting in my boyfriends apartment and well...all of his roommates are here...and well. its uncomfortable. so i'm gonna clean
my mom and i had an argument
and she took my apartment keys
so i packed my bags and left
i went to ben's
that's where i am now
and he's gone
and i miss him
but i'm so worried about what's going to happen...what's going to happen?
this is absolutely crazy
i want it to happen
it doesn't matter how long it takes!
in other news...
hmm. maybe there is no other news
happy christmas to all