well i find myself in a very good mood right now. i am sitting here looking at some old pictures of when my wife and i was dating and find myself re-falling in love with her again. it really makes you wonder why certain things have to change. this particular picture she has her hair done up with curls in an orange shirt, it was Halloween night and we just got done doing a corn maze and were playing cosmic bowling.

to be honest the only reason i remember that is because of the bowling ball in the picture. i do not remember what happened after bowling, but i think it ended badly with her mom accusing her of not being where we were at. i always hated that about her mom. she seemed to always tear her down when she was the best teenager i ever seen. it was insane, she listened never drank or smoked, or done any drugs. it was unbelievable all because she did not want to. i figured a parent should cut their child some slack if they arent coming home drunk or stoned every night right?

i was not that good, which may be why it took her mom a long time to like me. i was a pot head, and would goto parties and get drunk, although i never did that with her daughter, i used to do it. now after highschool that all seems irrelevant. i have a few friends, who are family members and that is about it. it is really hard to make friends when you and your wife dont care to drink and are as young as we are, as most people dont marry till they are older. without a church, as we are both confused on our beliefs it makes it that much more difficult. really the only people we meet/talk with are at school and/or work.

part of my issue is all of my friends are either potheads or heavy drinkers/partiers. which of course means i cannot hang out with them as my wife does not like it. i never really cared for the friend aspect, i like having my own space. it would be nice to have someone to goto the gym with from time to time, but yea. my wife is somewhat of the same way but as we are thinking about having a child, it is kind of dawning on her that she does not have anyone to talk with when we have our kid and she is at home. so in the midst of that realization ive been trying to think of ways to make friends. bars are not the type of place to do it at as they drink, and chances are they like to party. since she does not drink anymore due to that she wants a kid and follows some of the suggestions of a having a child, she will not drink. probably best.

i dont like going to bars alone, because well when your out of your current state of mind you never know what could happen. especially at a bar with drunk ladies. not a good mix, as i do not want to jeopardize our relationship.

in the end i am very content with my social standing right now. it would be nice to have one close friend to do stuff with who is my age and wont judge me for what i do, but i screwed that up along time ago with a good friend, who it seems i have no clue where he is and could never get him to call me back, although i have talked to another friend of his who he calls monthly. kind of a shotty deal but oh well, thats the story of my life. i think someone is a friend but they arent. simply hanging out with me because i ask. i never get a call from anyone or an invitation to anything. so its not like im really a friend to anyone. the weird thing is that is how it has always been and probably always will be. even the person says they are my friend it really is not so.

anyhow im still in a good mood, just felt like writing all that out. good day.

It was an exciting day with turtles running around the block. Very magical in deed, especially since there are no turtles where I live. In this magical place was a store, which of course was where I worked. This magical store had a specific theme, of which I will not mention. Being right on track to work a butterfly flew down and landed on my shoulder. It very well could have been the middle of winter with how cold it was, so it was interesting. After flicking the butterfly off out of the blue a snow flake fell. This was extremely exciting and weird given that it was the middle of summer.

Well I finally got into work and out of that excessively hot day I was thinking to myself, who here is dateable? And then I saw her. Well she had no interest in me, but it was like a musical, I broke out into song and serenaded her and won her with my voice, well not really but in my head it all worked great! I was never one to get up the nerve to ask a women out but given the days previous circumstances I decided to go out of the ordinary. BANG! I was shot. Shot down cold blooded. Needless to say I was very sad that I did not get a date.

Well I am like a mongoose, not dis waded. The next few weeks to come she seemed to pay attention to me more or less, not sure which but then another day came and I saw snake slithering up and down. Well that was it, this meant something other than just a snake slithering. I got up the gusto to ask her out again, this time I rode up on my stallion in all white, well it also seemed great in my head, but we got off at the same time (not sexually) and walking to the car we talked and decided to make a date. Given that we talked for about 4 hours and was spyed on it was ok.

Anyhow I am tired of writing creatively and that is my tale of how I met my wife.

how can you change yourself?
how can one change themselves?
how can i change myself?

i am not the healthiest or most pleasing person to look at. i am overweight by about 40 lbs and i want to change that about me. i have tried many plans but everything always fails, so i am sitting here asking myself, why do i let myself fail myself every time i try to improve my life style and the way i look?

the best answer i can come up with is that i am afraid to let go. afraid to push myself past the limits i set. i am afraid.

well it is time to stop being afraid and stop pouting about it.

showers are perhaps the best thing in the world. you know no matter how shitting you feel or how fucked up it has been lately a shower can wash it all away. it goes the drain and clears you up to take in what will happen next. i am about to go and take a shower as i feel like shit right now and i want to have a better mentality on the day today.

stop being afraid, stop being afraid! STOP BEING AFRAID!!, let yourself go, let yourself go! LET YOURSELF GO!!

i am going to stop being afraid of the change and just let myself go. i will always wake up at 6:00am no matter what. run for 30 minutes and or workout. i will wakeup at 6:00am tomorrow and run, i will wakeup at 6:00am tomorrow and run! I WILL WAKE UP AT 6:00AM TOMMOROW AND RUN!!

please help me...
please help me...
please help me help myself...
i cannot save you...i can't even save myself...

recently i just made a reservation for something i thought i would never do. reasoning is for her, she wants to do it. the good guy i am i could never deprive her of that thrill because i am scared. hopefully the exhiliration is worth the money and the fear.

to her: i hope you love every second of it because i never stop loving you, hopefully this is proof enough that i would gladly give my life in place of yours.

although no one but me knows who i am talking about that's the way i want to keep it. i love you babe.

Women are way too fuckin emotional. JUST REMEMBER THAT NOT EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET YOU! Shit, the whole fuckin world does not just revolve around you, and for the most part people do not just do shit to piss you off.

Fuck, take a step back and realize that you are not the only corn in the field. The bottom line to this blog for any feminine species who reads it, STOP BEING SO FUCKIN EMOTIONAL!!!!!! PEOPLE DO NOT INTEND TO PISS YOU OFF ALL THE FUCKIN TIME. Damn.