Damn damn damn damn damn
I feel so lost and confused.
I dont even kno where to start.
I guess we could start with the insane mood swings..
I one minute im happy as hell, singing and dancing, whatever....then i could snap my fingers and be so depressed i could quite literally kill myself. And i get upset over the tiniest things.
For example, today i went to the skate park at like 8:30pm with my 2 friends Vanessa and Dennis to practice. Well they got cold so we got in the car and just drove around for a bit. We come back, me and Dennis get out of the car, open the trunk and get our skateboards out. But Vanessa just sits in the car.
Im like "Dude, what are you waiting for?" and shes like "I dont wanna get out, its cold and my legs hurt."
And idk why but that made me so mad. I got so pissed, i threw my skateboard back in the trunk, slammed it, swung the car door open and yelled at her to get in the backseat and told dennis to "Get his happy ass back in the fucking car".
Everyones like "Oh you're probly bipolar" blah blah blah. I even did this test online: "Screening for Bipolar Disorder". It sed if ur score was higher than a 25 then theres a really good chane you have it. I got a 37. I told my mom..actually ive told her repeatedly that i think im bipolar and i wanna get it checked out and shes like "Oh no, you're a moody teenager, blah blah blah." Its really goddamn frusterating.
So im streesing from that trying to control my moods, as if the anger part wasnt enough i cry like everyday just out of nowhere. It bitesss.
And now im falling in love with my ex girlfriend all over again. The relationship the first time was terrible and shes a mich better friend. But its how she acts as a friend that makes me fall in love with her over and over. Shes so sweet at first and i can tell she likes me again....but idk wut to do. Should i try it with her again and see if its different or just ignore it?
And my ex bf likes me again too and i never really got over him in the first place. But hes coming back up from Florida this weekend and wants to talk to me with no one else around, "just us". and im like Ohhhhhh no. Hell probly tell me he still loves me like he did before he left and ill be all goo goo over him again. That would suck.
Oh and my ex gf is also like my best friend and she means a lot to me, more than she thinks but i havent heard from her all day. She left with her bro last night but sed she would call me when she got back but never did. Ive called her 4 times, stopped by her house and even had Dennis call her and still no answer. im gettin worried but i cant just break into her house and be like "Hey are you home?" and her parents dont answer the phone or the door so they're no help. Should i be worried?
i need help. bah!
These gardens of angst
In which I stand
Lost and confused
Hungry for more
Eager to cross
This river of tears
Safe in this void
In which I live
Free from despair
Weaving a web
Surrounding my soul
In a world of dying angels
Trespassers on unknown domains
This time I'll burn
For one thousand years
Bearing the truth
Deep down inside
It dies with me
Taste the pure salt
Breathe in your neck
Cut you so deep
Twisting my mind
Living in sin
Wicked and mean
Staring at me
Seems three years - though maybe four
someone drops dead - whom i adore
you love someone - there will be grief
the kiss of death - lips of a thief - goddammit
A dusty stack of photographs
of times i cried - but mostly laughed
commit the past - into blue flame
acrid smoke - cowardly shame - goddammit
At times i'm truly terrified
cause dope and booze - don't help to hide
they're used to mask - a weakling's hurt
it's just like painting - over dirt
Everyone i love is - dead - everyone i love is - dead - all dead
life's a game i cannot win
both good and bad - must surely end
the mirrors - always tell the truth
i love myself for hating you
Everyone i love is - dead - everyone i love is - dead
everyone i love is - dead - everyone i love is - dead - goddammit
All dead - all dead
all dead all dead all dead all dead all dead all dead all dead
all dead - all dead
|Welp, the jig is up, Austin knows about my "problem"...safety pins, skin, bleeding..not good not good. He noticed it in art today cuz i had my sleeves rolled up when he was talkin to me. Hes like "Sticky, you slit your wrist" and im just like "no i didnt" and hes like "Yes you did! I see the slash mark right there!" and i just sed i didnt and hes like "Ok fine u didnt" and continued talking. At least he just dropped cuz he realized i didnt wanna talk about it, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE! *points to friends* Its not like Im proud of it...i have a problem...im sorry...im not sure if he was really worried or ne thing tho...cuz he was a little concerned cuz he kept asking about it, but then he changed the subject so fast that im not sure...I wish he would care..|
Im in a semi good mood today. Goin to my grandpas for a very late christmas dinner with my cuzin. The only reason we wanna go is cuz our cuzin nick might go this time. We love him and miss him a lot so we're crossin our fingers. I hope he comes, otherwise this dinner is gunna be a total bust. I finally found Austin's myspace!! Im so happy! I have such a huge crush on him, its rediculous. I cant help it tho hes just so cute and wonderful!! The only thing that someone has sed to me recently that has meant much of ne thing is sut he sed. We got on the convo of cutting or something in that area and he turned to me and sed "Do u slit your wrist's, Sticky? I hope not." I shook my head, no and he sed "Good, Im glad". It doesnt seem like much but it meant a lot to me. Isnt it weird how someone can do or say something so small its almost unimportant but it can mean so much to you? The thing is I dont kno if I lied to him or not. Depends on if he meant Do i cut myself or Have I ever slit my wrist and tried to kill myself...if its the 2nd thing then i didnt lie. *sigh* found a pic of me and jason in my laundry...dont kno why it was there...im givin all the pics of us to him, i cant stand to look at them it just makes me angry and brings up bad feelings. So he can keep em cuz i sure dont want them.
but on a happy note, i got an avenged sevenfold belt buckle!! It awesome, i love it sooo much! and i got bout 6 cds that i play in my new stereo!! wut a great christmas, i got a new digital camera too...dang, i got spoiled this christmas...
Photoshop.. Such a lovely thing.
Alone is so much easier, once you get used to that idea. You just do what you do.. You don't have to care about anyone/thing, don't have to talk to anyone.. You're just abiding. Living your life in your own way. Alone.
But what about those times when you want to talk? When you need some comfort? Help? A warm hug? A kiss? A touch? You don't get that when you give up. You don't get all that when you're alone.
I hate my life....I kno some ppl have it WAAAAY worse than me but sometimes i just HATE it SO much. I hate the ppl in it, mostly my stepdad, especially today. Hes sayin after highschool im gunna work at McDonalds and im like "Uh, NO IM NOT" and he says "Yea you are" (with a chuckle added to it) and im like "OMG NO IM NOT!!!!!" and he's like "Fine, Burger King then" then he says im gunna become a stay at home mom...NOOOOOOO!!!!! over my dead and decaying body! Im like "stop planning my future!" "Im not planning it, im predicting it" "Well you're predicting wrong!" oh i just wanted punch him in his ugly good for nuthin face. AHHHHHHHH!!!! I hate him the most. Then there's Jason, he ruined my life, broke my heart 3 different times and i finally told myself (and him) that he doesnt mean ne thing to me and im never gunna talk to him again and that im just gunna forget about him...but i have to see him everyday and bring up bad memories and things i regret, like him giving me my first kiss, i shoulda saved that for someone that for someon that actually loved me, not his stupid lying ass. DIE DIE DIE.
Christmas is gunna suck...i have 3 presents under the tree while my mom has 6 and my step dad has 4 or 5 but i kno they went ALL OUT for each other and got each other the most they could and its all kind of expensive stuff...out of my 3 i kno at least 2 of them are socks and a photo album...yippee do da day. I better get either a car or a stereo. All i wanted was a $100 stereo and i kno im not gettin it, obviously. But all their stuff put together is like $200 or more. I hate them..i hate christmas, i hate my life. The only things that keep me dealin with it are, Amanda P., Vanessa, Austin and the fact that im only a few years from movin out and away from the ppl i hate and i wont have to deal with them. GRRRRRR
Eh, so who loves ghosts, huh? ME! We got on the subject of ghosts and hauntings in art class today (that class is always fun...especially cuz austin's there!) But ne ways, my friend beth started tellin me about this ghost thats haunting her house. She says hes been known to throw things in the house, flicker the lights and all that ghostly stuff. Hes been haunting her and her house since she was 8, shes now 15. It gets weirder tho. He has appeared in her dreams and talked to her so she knos wut he looks like, she says hes about 17-20 years old. Oh it gets weirder....he talks to her...in her head, they hold actual conversations, he can get in her head and read wut shes thinking and they talk to each other like everyday. Not only that but he has a crush on her and hes very protective. im like thats soo weird, it seems like it would be very uncomfortable to have someone with you all the time, but hes been around for so long that shes just used to him, they're like friends. She said one time she had a friend over and this ghost posessed her friend while she was sleeping, her friend was like sitting up and talking with her eyes closed and it was the guy's voice and Beth was just like "OMG leave me alone ur freakin me out, i just want to sleep!"
its so weird! She was talkin to him at lunch after that, she was tellin me stories about him and she paused for a minute and shes like "See, he just sed he didnt like me telling you that but he doesnt really care".
At first i was like thats just too freaky, i mean ive heard of ppl talkin to ghosts but ive never heard of one getting inside someones head and talking to them all the time. But after thinking about it, i thought it would be kinda cool, cuz i love the whole paranormal ghost thing and it would be kinda kool to always have someone to talk to. She sed shes never alone tho, hes ALWAYS talkin to her. Hes polite tho..well sometimes...she sed he walked in on her in her bra and underwear and all she heard was "oh shit! Sorry!!" and he walked out. But she sed he's thrown stuff at her before...and missed and then apologized so i guess he is polite, hm...weird?
Inside there's a black hole and no-one knows.
"No one can live in sorrow" - according to Guns N' Roses. Really?
I'm a citizen of the land called "sorrow". I have pain for brakefast, agony for lunch and loneliness for dinner. And I'm alive.
Thinking about it. Why bother? I mean, life is here for me to enjoy. What happenes if you suffer much more then you feel pleasure? Is it worth it?
But what if there's no more strength left?
They don't exist in my world. But there are exchanges of words in temporary company sometimes. Useless.
Ha, this is the part when I fall on the floor, laughing. The Addams family is NOTHING comparing to mine.
Sometimes I just really hate it. At times when it's absent. How can you live without money (and not turning into a criminal)?
I wonder what next in my life will go wrong.
Who guesses right will get an autographed suicide letter.
so yea, in a previous blog i sed something about going to taste of chaos with my mom and maybe taking vanessa...well....im not going...becuz tickets are $30 and my mom thinks thats like the equivalent of like $105 so i cant go. she was like "get a job" im not old enuff for a job" "well wait till u drive then" "by time i get my liscense and save enuff money from my job, the taste of chaos tour will be over..." yea taste of chaos is 2 months before my birthday..im totally fucked, so now my bitchy ass little cuzin is gunna go to it with her wannabe lover (who has a gf, BY THE WAY) and they'll have tons of fun then come back and tell me all about and gloat and brag to me and im gunna have to punch her in the face for it. Yea, we'll see how much u brag about it then...do i sound a little jealous? good, otherwise id be worrying about why my eyes are glowing green. Ill just stay mad and bitch about it to all my other friends who are just as mad as i am that she gets to go. Ill just make plans with someone that day...no ill have a big party and invite all my friends including Josh the junior that shes been dreaming about since forever and rub THAT in her face...of course by then i wont give a rats b-hind about wut shes doing...but im gunna do it ne way..
p.s.-i kno the title says "stupid bitch" but i dont mean my mom, i mean my cuzin is a stupid bitch...if i didnt make that obvious
|Meh so my cuzin called me up to "talk"...more like brag about how she gets to go to taste of chaos and i dont and shes bringing jordan her little love obsession. So i think she just wanted to rub it in my face cuz she knos how bad i wanted to go to it. Sure she took me to see my chemical romance but this is TASTE OF CHAOS its soooo much better i could care less about my chemical buttrape ( no offense, i still like em..). So i told my mom out it and she sed she'd take me . im hopin i can go, if she doesnt have to work that saturday, and im thinkin bout bring my friend Vanessa, shed probly love to go. So haha bitch, ur not as great as u think. GOODBYE|
I did it. I erased all my past entries.
The reason was myself and my inner world. I've been feeling numb and empty for a while now, so I had to empty this place as well, since it IS my world that I'm sharing here.
I will continue writing here and.. That's it basicly.
|ok i have this one friend,Manda, shes like one of my best friends, weve been friends for 4 years...so ne ways, i was talkin to her the other day online and i asked how she was doin and wut-not and she tells me that her fat ass little sister threw the phone at her and bruised the side of her face! and im like "Well, did she get yelled at?" and she says "No, they just told her that she did a good job" and im like thats bullshit! Her little sister NEVER gets in trouble. but then again shes the "baby"...a baby whale, i hate that whore! She said that she gets congratulated and praised for everything ESPECIALLY when she hurts Manda. Its rediculous. Her family isnt nice at all, they yell at manda ALL the time and they tell her shes stupid and its just not right. I feel bad and im so damn close to just goin up to her house and start cussin em out. She needs to move in with me but she wont do it. My family loves her, they think shes great and they feel just as bad. I dont kno how to help, they're driving her crazy, they wont let her dress how she wants and they want to control EVERYTHING even the ppl she hangs out with, see, they dont like me AT ALL they think im a bisexual drug dealer and the influence for mandas problems...WHAT THE FUCK EVER! I hate them so bad, but i dont kno wut to do, i cant help her, all i can tell her is to try and hold out till shes old enuff to move out.|
Hey, just chillin at skool, bein bored...and thinkin bout random crap. Ive been feelin really down about myself lately, tellin myself that im fat and ugly and blah blah blah. So i havent been eating much...and lost 4 pounds, woo! lol im an idiot. My self esteem started out at about a 2 out of 100, then went up a bit. I asked my friend vanessa if i was pretty she nodded and looked at me like i was stupid. i disagreed. she nodded faster and sed "yes u r! I happen to kno that one of our friends would bone u if she was a guy!" i was like, whoa didnt see that coming...then my other friend amanda told me i was beautiful, Jason told me i was perfect and hugged me...tight...like we used to hug, loved it lots. Even last night my step dad told me i was "very pretty" especially when i smile. once again i disagreed but wtvr.
Oh but then stupid me started thinkin about Jason and my self esteem dropped to a -2. He never calls me ne more. Im not his reason for ne thin, Im not his reason to come to skool, im not his reason to do better in skool...he doesnt freak out ne more when he cant talk to me, he doesnt tell me he misses me. He doesnt tell me he loves me. Even after we broke up he would still tell me he loved me. I miss that. It just makes me think that I did something wrong and hes not telling me. What did i do to make him stop loving me? I feel like he hates me or something. Grr.
My funniest/ happiest memory (besides me first kiss with him) was when we were talkin bout how we might get married. He was like "Do you want to marry me? Can you see us married and living together?" and im just like "Hell yea! I cant wait for that!" and hes like "You can see us showering together and everything?" and im just like Was that part of the criteria cuz i did not read that in the handbook!...good times. i wish eveeything was back to the way it shuld be....and now he might even be moving...damn
There's this guy that my friend really likes. i mean REALLY, she knos a little too much about him but i cant really say ne thing cuz i used to be like that too. Well ne ways, I was walkin with her and her friend and the guy she likes walked by and her friend was like "oo, he looked at you!" and shes like "I kno, he always looks at me" Well im not tryin to sound conceited but, i didnt see him lookin at her, i saw him lookin at me. he looks at me all the time! We were in the same classroom (kinda..hard to explain) but he was like staring at me everytime i walked by. And i think maybe the only reason he looks at her is cuz everyone (her friends pretty much) have made it so obvious that she likes him, plus shes pretty much stalking him. I think thats the only reason...i dunno why he stares at me tho, maybe cuz im her friend so he kinda knos me...i dunno. I kinda like him tho, but i cant do ne thing cuz she likes him and i dont wanna hurt her plus i dunno that he likes me or not...even tho he kinda stares and...i dunno, plus there's Jason...See, dont i sound conceited? I think so..someone slap me.
And im not tryin to be mean, i think it would be the greates thing if she could go out with him just...i dunno, i dont kno if she really has a chance...SLAP ME, i feel like im bein so mean
|Thanks for cutting me out of your life. I thought we were friends. Guees I thought wrong. I was just lookin at one of my "friends" website and she has a pic of all her friends except me pretty much. And I kno she has at least 2 pics of me 1 from last year and 1 from homecoming. Now that I think about it, she doesnt even come talk to me in the mornings. We see each other but she doesnt even wave, she'll even walk right in front of me but doesnt do ne thing. The last time we talked was at her halloween party and we didnt really say ne thing, she was too busy with her other more important friends. I'm invisible...but not just her i feel invisible to everyone. I knew i was important..stupid Jason shouldnt lie and tell me i am when obviously im NOT.|
If the image thingy worked then above this should be a pic of a REALLY hot guy! God i hope it worked! If it did then that's Jussi from the 69 eyes. Hot is he not?